Chapter 2 #2
My breath caught. If he leaned in another inch, our lips would be touching.
I felt weak at the knees. Literally. Like staring into those gorgeous chocolate eyes erased every tear I’d ever cried over this man.
Broke down every wall I had erected around my heart.
Because, my God, did I want him to close that inch and kiss me.
I was raging with myself - all the dignity I had wanted to reclaim.
Show him what he was missing, that he didn’t affect me, and I didn’t give a fuck what he did, it all went out the window. Because he saw through the whole act.
Just as the smart part of me was winning the argument with myself to laugh in his face and tell him that he was dreaming, the side of his mouth twitched up in a smile. As if he knew exactly the grand exit I planned on making, and that it was NOT what I really wanted. So, the fuck-it part won out.
I closed the gap between us and just brushed his lips with mine.
I heard his breath catch in surprise. I’d still planned on my grand exit, just catch him unawares before I flounced off, but then he cupped my face with his hands and leaned into the kiss and all my composure and grand plans were gone.
Because his mouth felt like I’d died and gone to heaven.
His tongue brushed against mine; his thumb stroked my cheek as he deepened the kiss.
I threw my arms around his neck, feeling his hard chest pressing up against me as I kissed him back with everything I had.
We moulded around each other, pressing every inch of our bodies together as our lips moved in tandem and the heat started to singe between us when he deepened the kiss.
I heard voices as people started to make their way out to the smoking area and I pushed him back, panting.
What the fuck had I done! He was staring at me, his chest heaving from his laboured breathing when a group stepped outside, and I took my chance to bolt.
“Róis, wait,” he called after me as I followed the music back to the ballroom.
I was so furious with myself. All my plans of being strong and reclaiming some power once I realised that fucker was sniffing around were gone now.
He knew the effect he had on me, just like always, and I suddenly felt like that pathetic teenager mooning over him again.
I found Ella on the dancefloor as soon as I entered, the place going bananas to the Saw Doctors “I Useta Love Her Once.”
“Here, girl, I couldn’t find you when I came back from the bar,” she passed me a drink without breaking a step as she kept bouncing along to the song. I threw it back just as I clocked Connor coming into the room.
“Róis, are you alright? You’re all shaky, do you feel sick?” Niamh asked.
“No, no, I’m grand. I just ran in my heels when I heard the song,” I said, watching him circling the dancefloor out of the corner of my eye.
She just nodded and smiled as she indulgently jived with a very drunk Dermot, who kept stepping on her feet, and I joined in the dancing as the song changed to “Galway Girl.”
I could feel his eyes on me as I danced and, even though I was trying to act oblivious, I couldn’t help putting all my efforts into the extra sashay of my hips in my tight pale pink dress.
I was an utter idiot. I was already so mad at myself that I’d lost control with him, I didn't want to contemplate how I’d feel tomorrow without the alcohol to numb it.
But as Ella spun me around and I could see him making his way closer, his eyes never leaving me, I couldn’t help the rising sense of anticipation.
I’d already slipped, what did it matter now?
I could focus on being strong tomorrow. As I felt him close in behind me, his hands landing on my hips, I leaned into him just a bit.
We danced until the sweat was sliding down our backs.
Every time Connor tried to pull me away to talk, I shook my head and turned back to the music.
I didn’t want to talk. I knew he would want to rehash the past in some way and if we started that, the whole illusion that I could just let myself go and enjoy the night would implode in my face.
Ella’s face darkened every time she took a pause in dancing and noticed us together, but she didn’t say anything.
I knew she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of acknowledging how badly he’d hurt me by commenting.
Niamh had already helped Dermot to bed, but I knew I was in for the mother of all lectures once those two had me alone.
As the band announced their last song of the night, I breathed a sigh of relief for my aching feet and for the swimming in my head.
I’d been a lot more careful hitting the drink than most of the other guests, but it had still been a long day.
“You doing okay?” Connor murmured into my ear, his warm breath making goose bumps break out along my arms.
I nodded and smiled before I twirled away from him, ending the dance on a high with Ella. The crowd was shouting “one more tune” at the top of their lungs while the band said their goodbyes for the night.
“I’m just going to the loo,” I shouted to Ella over the chant, before slipping through the crowd and disappearing down a hallway, pulling an Irish goodbye as I snuck back to our room.
I was exhausted. Being around Connor and experiencing a complete rollercoaster of emotions all day long had left me reeling, and I felt so drained.
Ella was in the middle of all her family, some who she hadn’t seen in years, and I knew she'd already be gearing up for her moment to sing “My Auld Man” at the singsong in the residents' bar - which would likely go until sunrise. She wouldn’t even miss me.
As I was slipping into bed after taking off the little makeup left on my face from dancing, my phone pinged. A new follow request from Connor Donnelly. I accepted and within seconds had a message pop up:
Connor - Where did you disappear to?
I debated replying, knowing it would open the back and forth between us and scramble my poor brain even more than it already was.
So, I left him on read and turned my phone on silent.
Tossing and turning as I tried to sleep, I couldn’t stop my mind replaying the time I’d spent with him today, his appearance in Limerick, and how I felt about it all.
No matter what front I put on, that man had irrevocably changed how I viewed relationships just when I had learned what loving someone felt like.
He’d also left me feeling the most unwanted and used I’d ever felt in my life.
It had taken me a long time to build my confidence back up again, to diminish that feeling that I wasn’t good enough.
And even after all this time, I avoided anything close to a relationship like the plague.
I was completely unwilling to ever put my heart on the line like that ever again.
But all it took was a few smouldering glances and choice words to betray myself; a monumental feeling of disappointment washed over me as I thought about our kiss.
It had left me tingling all over, and I should never, ever have allowed that to happen.
When sleep finally washed over me, I was saying the same sentence on repeat in my head: “I will never feel broken again.” And certainly not by Connor fucking Donnelly.
********
I could see the clench in Ella’s jaw as we listened to Ruth’s neighbour Louise recount the latest news on Claire Flynn.
We were perched on high stools around a table in our local pub in Kiltee for day two of Ruth and Sean’s wedding, and Louise was filling us in on a friend of a friend we’d all known from school.
“The makeup didn’t do much to cover up the black eye, but when her brother went after him, she lost the plot. Said Dan hadn’t touched her and now she isn’t speaking to any of her family.” As the rest of the girls at the table leaned in asking questions, I turned to Ella.
“I must go to the loo, will you come with me?” She nodded stiffly and slipped off the stool, following behind me.
Her whole demeanour had changed since Louise had started her story and I wanted to get her away from the table before anyone else noticed, as well as sparing her the details of whatever else the story included.
Not many people knew that Ella’s long-term boyfriend from school was the biggest prick to ever wear a shoe.
He had spent the four years they were together mentally and emotionally abusing her before he hopped, skipped and jumped straight into the physical abuse.
They met when we were in our second last year of secondary school and had been inseparable.
He was four years older, making her the height of sophistication when he arrived in his souped-up Honda Civic to pick her up outside school.
It took a few months before signs started to show that something wasn’t right; the way she dressed changed, who she saw, what she would say when he was around.
So much of who she was and what she was loved for started to slowly but surely disappear before our eyes.
The large circle of friends she’d always kept became smaller and smaller, as Tommy started to take issue with each friend in one form or another.
I tried to talk to her about it when it had all started, but we were basically kids.
Niamh and Dermot still felt like a childhood romance and Tommy was older than us.
So maybe this was normal as we matured and fellas would naturally take priority.
. but even then, it never sat well with me.
Luckily, I always stayed on his good side, making sure I didn’t end up ostracised like everyone else and afforded myself a front row seat to the inner workings of their relationship.