Chapter 7 #2
“You’re washing her off this time, Dad will throw a fit when he sees the state of her,” I warned him.
You had to watch that dog like a hawk; she had this weird affinity for rolling in fox shit but absolutely despised the inevitable bath that came afterwards.
She was five now, so thirty-five in dog years - you’d think she’d know by now to just stay out of the stuff.
Bailey bounded ahead of us, barking at birds as we gave a wide berth to the Fairy fort to our left.
This was Healy’s land, but we had spent our childhood exploring these fields and we’d walked Bailey up here since she was a pup.
Ever since my first memories, we had been warned never to go near the fairy fort on this land.
Mam and Dad had eight to ten stories ready on the tip of their tongue of people who had interfered with fairy forts and the desperate misfortune that befell them as a result.
My parents weren’t superstitious by nature, but one thing they were staunch on was you do not fuck with the fairies.
I don’t think any of us truly believed in fairies, but Irish piseógs ran deep, and even if we didn’t believe little people flew around inside the structures waiting to pounce on us, there was unanimous acceptance as a nation that messing with them would result in catastrophic bad luck.
And why would anyone tempt that? I bit back a yawn as we trudged up the hill with my legs burning from the incline.
“Did you not sleep well last night? You went to bed early enough after you came last in Ludo,” he prodded, knowing how competitive I was about game night.
“I slept just fine,” I glared at him.
“Oh, I thought maybe you were up late messaging whoever it was you were texting all through the game,” he fished for information, and I narrowed my eyes at him.
I’d swallow my tongue before I would tell him about Ronan.
He’d started the exchange last night sending me a video of a girl eating an ice cream all sultry in her car before it hit a pothole, and she had the cone stuck to her head like a unicorn.
‘Made me think of you’ was the message accompanying it.
We traded insulting videos and gifs before graduating to trading pictures that weren’t exactly sexting but had been heading that way before I passed out at two am.
When I asked what he was doing, he replied with a picture of him from the chin down, lying on a couch with a bowl of popcorn beside him.
But minus his top and wearing fitted black pants that clung in places that made the picture indecent.
He looked like he had just finished a bar shift somewhere, and from that angle, the black pants as a uniform were something I was wholly on board with.
When he asked what I was doing, I sent a picture from the same angle, my Marian Keyes book on show but lying on my side so I could push up my cleavage.
I’d had to jump out of bed to change out of my fluffy Harry Potter PJs and into a silky black cami and shorts combo.
“I was talking to the girls in our group chat,” I answered Shea with a blasé expression. He gave me a knowing look but left it at that.
“Sorcha didn’t want to come with you this morning?” I asked.
His long-time girlfriend joined family game night whenever she could make it work around her events job in Dublin, and she had come second last night. Mam and I loved having her around; she balanced out all the testosterone.
“No, she’s had a big week with the C-suite visiting from New York, so she hasn’t gotten much sleep all week, she badly needs the lie-in.” His brows scrunched up in worry as he said it and my heart warmed at how much he cared about her.
“I hope I find a man that cares about me the way you care about Sorcha.” His mouth turned up in a soft smile at my words.
“You will Róis, you’re the best, funniest, kindest person I know.”
“You have to say that as my brother,” I retorted, glowing at his impression of me. I had always looked up to Shea. He had been more like a second father figure than a brother to me, which both Mam and Dad said was the old soul in him. Always taking on the role of protector since the day I was born.
“Actually, I think most brothers would be going for the easy slag instead of showing their feelings. Would Fionn say that about you?” I frowned at that because Fionn could be a little prick.
“He thinks it too, by the way; he’d just never tell you to your face.
You act like you’re made of stone, but I know how much you worry about everyone; the girls, us, the dog even.
And you’d give the shirt off your back to help anyone.
You deserve the best of the best Róis, and you have two brothers who want to make sure that’s what you end up with,” he said a little ominously.
“That sounds like a threat,” I snorted unattractively as he went into scary big brother mode.
“I saw Connor Donelly in town yesterday,” he said, examining me for my reaction.
I jolted in shock at the rapid shift in conversation, I was not expecting that out of Shea.
He didn’t know the ins and outs of what happened four years ago, but he’d put enough together to know that it was Connor who had me crying silently into my pillow for months every night.
“Yeah, and? What’s that got to do with anything?” I responded a little slowly.
“It has to do with the fact that he isn’t good enough to lick your boots, Rosie.
He wasn’t four years ago, and he certainly isn’t now.
It’s none of my business and I won’t say anything else about it, but I wanted you to hear that.
I don’t want you to forget for a minute how outstanding you are and what you deserve.
” I blinked back the tears in my eyes at his speech.
It made me feel so warm and protected to have my brother looking out for me, but I quickly shook it off.
Despite being the only girl in the family, I was the least emotional out of all of us.
I made sure a long time ago that no one - including my family - ever saw any tears that managed to sneak past my eyelids.
So, I just leaned in and gave Shea a shoulder bump instead. “Thanks, Shea.”
Dad had the stove lit by the time we made it back to the house, and I stepped into the toasty kitchen while Shea wrestled with Bailey outside to try and wash the fox shit off her, while she ran and pounced on him to make a game of it.
I chuckled at his continued shouting outside as I made my way over to the kettle to make a cup of tea.
“Tea’s already brewed love,” Dad said over his shoulder from the cooker, where he was frying up some brown bread.
While he looked in great shape for his age of fifty-three, he wasn’t exactly the healthiest with his diet.
Everything that could go into the frying pan with oil and butter, did.
And I knew he only had minutes before Mam caught him at it and launched into another lecture about his cholesterol, which I was inclined to agree with her on.
My phone pinged as I slipped into the armchair beside the stove with a cup of tea, and my heart leapt into my throat as I took in the name on the screen.
Connor - Just meet me once, Róis. Hear what I have to say and then decide how you feel. You’re the type of girl a fella doesn’t give up on, and I don’t plan on making the same mistake twice.
Shea’s words spun around in my mind as I reread the message.
I didn’t want to open myself up to Connor Donelly in any way, but I also felt like I didn’t have closure from what happened four years ago.
As if I still had a wound that I had just put a plaster on all these years instead of truly being able to heal.
And fuck, I wanted to heal. I didn’t want to react to him or feel pain, reliving the memories of the rejection I had suffered at his hands.
Maybe it was time to just rip off the band-aid and let the air at that wound.
He didn’t need to know a single one of my emotions on the matter, but maybe he would say something that I could use to get over the whole thing.
Róisín - No dinner, no drinks. Coffee at Inch Dooney in an hour, you get 30 minutes.
********
The sky was a moody dark grey as I used the back of my windbreaker to keep the wet out from where I sat on the grassy knoll, my hands wrapped around my latte for warmth.
The rain was thankfully holding off but it was still freezing out.
I had arrived a little early, just keen to get there before I changed my mind about seeing him.
Shea’s words were still spinning in my mind, but I couldn’t help replaying the way Connor looked at me before we’d kissed at Ruth’s wedding.
The feel of his eyes on me in the Bounty that night out in Limerick.
Not to mention every touch and whisper we had had over our six months together.
A lot of them right here at Inchydoney. It had taken awhile to scourge memories of him from my favourite place in the world, but now they were rushing at me like a tsunami.
Each one of those interactions had made butterflies launch from my stomach to my throat and back down again, like they were bouncing on a trampoline.
No one had ever hurt me the way Connor had, and I still didn’t understand if it was complete indifference towards me or some perverse pleasure he drew from breaking me in a way I didn’t know another person was capable of.
I guessed that’s why I was here. He may want to fight for me, but I just wanted closure.
To heal the festering sore in my heart that I pretended to the world didn’t exist. The sound of his footsteps pulled me from my spiralling, but I didn’t turn to face him, even as he took a seat beside me.
“Thanks for coming to meet me,” he said softly. I just nodded, still staring out at the high waves crashing along the beach.
“Are you cold? Do you want to sit in the car?” he asked, looking around fidgeting.
“No, I’m fine. Just say what you need to say Connor, so I can go home.” He inhaled sharply before turning to face me fully.
“Róis, look at me, please.” I turned my head in his direction and found myself speared in his dark brown gaze.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you four years ago.
I’m sorry for never explaining myself. I’m sorry for letting you think I didn’t care all this time.
And more than anything, I’m sorry I ever let you walk away.
Whether you’ve moved on or not, I need you to know that. ”
“Why then? Why did you do it?” I could feel my eyes threatening to water and bit my lip so hard I could taste the blood. I’d rather swallow razor blades than let him see my pain. I breathed slowly as I pulled myself together.
“Because I’m a fucking coward. By the time we finally slept together I was already head over heels for you, and after we had sex, I knew I was done for.
I’d always planned on joining the army; it’s a steady career with a good pension and it would give me the chance to see a bit of the world while looking after Mam and Liam.
But while you slept that night, all I could think about was giving it all up to try and be near you.
You were so excited about heading off to UL with Ella and about to start your big adventure, and I was supposed to be starting mine.
But I was ready to pack that in to find something local and beg you to do the same.
It wouldn’t have been fair on either of us.
” He hung his head at that last part, and I could feel my mouth gaping open.
Of all the excuses he was going to come here with today, this self-sacrificing crap was not what I expected.
And the sad part was I believed him too, because that was the type of person I had always believed him to be before it imploded.
I had spent so much of our time together talking about my plans, how excited I was to go to UL with Ella, how nervous I was to be leaving home.
And he confided in me about his loser Dad and the pressure of being a father figure to his little brother.
This latest revelation didn’t soften the blow in any way; it just pissed me off even more.
“And you were so sure of your hold on me, that you thought I’d blow up my plans for my future to be your little wifey at seventeen?
That’s beyond arrogant Connor, even for you.
If you hadn’t tried to make me feel about two inches tall by fucking me off after taking my virginity, I’m sure you would have found we were a summer romance anyway. ” I scoffed, and he smiled sadly at me.
“Not exactly, Róis. I just didn’t want to hold you back, and I think you’re fooling yourself that we were something casual.”
“But you’re happy to hold me back now, is it? Is that what all this ‘I’ll fight for you’ bollocks is about? Because to give you a sharp dose of reality, that ship sailed a long time ago.” I moved to stand up and he grabbed my arm.
“I didn’t deserve you then and I don’t deserve you now, but this time I want to be selfish, Róis.
I want you. It’s been four years, and I’ve never stopped thinking about you, not for one day.
And if you can look me in the eye and tell me you don’t care about me too, I’ll let it go and pine for you in secret,” a faint smile tugged at his lips.
God, he was so beautiful when he did that soft crooked smile.
The way my heart stuttered made me want to punch him right between his gorgeous eyes.
He kept hold of my arm while waiting for my answer, his eyes never leaving mine.
“I…” I tried to get the words out, but when he was looking at me like that, they were lodged in my traitorous fucking throat.
I took a breath and looked away. “I don’t care about you, Connor,” I snapped as I pulled my arm free and stood, looking anywhere but at him.
He laughed softly and I turned toward him sharply.
“When you can look me in the eye and say it Róis, I’ll know it’s over. But for now, it looks like I’m still in the running to win your heart.” He threw me that crooked smile and sauntered away toward his car without looking back.