Chapter 17 #2
While Fionn drove us the ten-minute journey, I replied to Ronan’s last message.
I was disappointed I hadn’t gotten to see him before the Easter holidays thanks to my exuberant thesis celebrations.
He had a mystery stag party the coming weekend for his cousin, so he’d be pretty off the grid for a few days too.
I was surprised how put out I felt at having to wait another week and a half to see him.
Now that the flirty, fun nature of our relationship was back, I was missing him.
More than I’d expected. When we arrived, Fionn waited at the gate while I dawdled before heaving myself out of the car to join him.
He threw his arm around my shoulder as we wound our way along the path to Shea’s grave.
It had a simple wooden cross at the head of the grave while Mam and Dad decided on the headstone.
I shuddered a breath as we stood there and Fionn gave my shoulders a squeeze.
“What now?” I asked. Not sure what we were supposed to do.
“I normally just have a bit of a chat with him, tell him how we’re all doing, maybe throw in a Hail Mary at the end,” he shrugged.
“And do you think he can hear you?” I didn’t mean it to sound as caustic as it did, I was genuinely curious about Fionn's thoughts on the whole thing. He smiled at me.
“No harm in thinking he can, and if he can it means he knows he’s never going to be forgotten and we’re never going to stop loving him.”
I swallowed a lump in my throat at that.
Fionn turned away with his head bowed and eyes closed.
In the last few months Fionn had shocked me more than anyone at how he’d been dealing with everything, in what seemed to be a remarkably healthy way.
I didn’t know how we were supposed to grieve, but something told me Fionn was doing it right.
When he was sad, he was sad and when he was mad, he was mad.
He just let his emotions be, instead of trying to control them.
And he was being open about how he was feeling or when he felt like he needed support.
I envied him. He lifted his head to look at me with a soft smile on his face.
“Why don’t I leave you for a few minutes on your own? I’ll wait in the car.”
I nodded woodenly, suddenly remembering why we were there. As he meandered down the path with his hands in his pockets, I took a shaky breath and tilted my head back to the sky.
“What am I supposed to say to you?” I whispered.
“How about that I feel like my blood is on fire since you died. I hate you so much for leaving me. I hate you for not being here for Sorcha and your new baby. I hate how my life looks without you.” I opened my eyes as it started to drizzle on my face, the rain mixing with my tears.
The days of feeling fierce and never letting my tears fall were far behind me.
“Most of all I hate you for loving me so much that I feel like I have a hole inside me without you.” The tiniest white feather floated onto my upturned nose, and I paused as I looked at it through crossed eyes.
I knew it meant something, I knew people said your loved ones send you signs and to look for them.
But I didn’t believe any of that. If our loved ones could send us signs, I’d expect something more on the lines of tonight’s winning lottery numbers, or red or black on a trip to Vegas.
I gently plucked it off my nose and tucked it into the back of my phone cover all the same, before wiping my eyes and making my way back to Fionn.
********
Niamh had called me distraught as I was getting ready for my date with Connor - she’d heard Dermot had been seen shifting someone in Keileys last weekend and she had entered spiral town.
She’d insisted her and Ella hit the city tonight for a change of scene, and since there was a bus heading there from Kiltee that Fionn had organised with the boys, Ella had agreed.
Connor had booked a restaurant in the city which at least meant I could meet the girls after and try and lend some moral support to Niamh, but what Connor was going to do after the date was still a little up in the air.
. Since he was driving, he wouldn’t be drinking, and Easter Saturday in Cork city was going to be busy and likely a bit messy.
He picked me up on the dot of 6pm and I spent the drive chattering about all things related to my new niece or nephew.
When we entered Luigi’s restaurant in the city, we were shown to a quiet booth in the back with romantic lighting and soft music playing over the speakers.
Connor settled into his seat as the server asked for our drink order.
“I’ll just have a coke please and a vodka and white for her,” he nodded towards me.
I instantly felt my hackles rise. What was he doing ordering for me? Was this the 1950s?
“Ah no, actually, I’ll have a pint of Coors Light please,” I smiled sweetly at the server, who blinked in surprise and then grinned.
“Of course, madam.” An Italian server in an Italian restaurant - I was already excited for the food.
We were far more likely to get authentic Italian here than Margie with the Kerry accent in Kiltee, who did her own twist on a lasagna at Donatello’s.
I mean, it was a nice lasagna but not exactly real Italian…
and I instantly started to regret ordering a pint, thinking I’d be completely full before even touching my pasta.
Connor seemed to be thinking the same thing, judging by the knowing smirk on his face as he waited for me to comment.
“What are you staring at?” I snapped, and his smile widened.
“Can’t I admire a beautiful woman sitting across from me?” he asked in a low gravelly voice, and I snorted at his obvious pivot into sex god mode.
“Admire away, lad,” I said cheerily, winking at him.
He burst out laughing and I joined in, feeling the tension drain away as we relaxed into each other's company.
“So a pint of Coors? Before a three-course meal?” He cocked a thick black brow.
“Are you mad? I’m not having three courses - I’ll burst! But maybe you shouldn’t have tried ordering for me like a caveman,” I sniffed.
He rolled his eyes with that smile still playing on his lips, “It’s what you always drink, Róis. It’s not a big deal.”
I shrugged and gratefully accepted my pint as the server returned with our drinks, thankful for the interruption.
I took a big slug and smacked my lips in appreciation as Connor let out a low chuckle, his eyes locked on me.
I started feeling a bit self-conscious as I put my drink down, and his gaze dropped to my lips, then my neck.
Tracing the line of my low-cut top that showed just the right amount of cleavage.
I could feel a flush spread across my cheeks and chest. He seemed to notice, his eyes slowly moving back up to meet mine.
“Enjoying yourself?” I quipped, trying to hide my embarrassment and anticipation.
“Thoroughly,” he said seriously, eyes still holding mine. “You know, today was the first time you’ve been in my car since you came all over it.”
I choked, beer flying out of my nose. He handed me a napkin as I hacked on the Coors stuck in my windpipe from the shock of his words.
The Connor I’d lost my virginity to had been full of gentle words and reassurance.
I wasn’t sure if that was only because it was my first time, and this sultry fucker with the dirty mouth had been kept hidden from me.
But even when he’d asked me on the date, he’d seemed a little shy and awkward.
He kept his eyes on me with that smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth.
“What’s wrong, Róis? Something I said?”
“Fuck you, Connor,” I wheezed, still trying to catch my breath.
“Well, I’m certainly fantasising about it, Róisín. A repeat performance with you has been on my mind pretty much every day. I’d like a little more room next time though,” he said in that low voice again and it sounded like a promise.
“Who says there’ll be a next time?” I arched an eyebrow, regaining my composure after wiping beer from my left nostril.
“Fate” he winked as I rolled my eyes at him.
The night passed in waves of sexual tension and easy companionship. Being around Connor always felt natural once I relaxed, like something just fit with him. That changed when he steered the conversation beyond the teasing promises and innuendoes he’d been throwing out all night.
“Why don’t we do this again during the week? You could come over to mine,” he said lightly. Two dates in a week felt like a lot to me.
“Oh, you cook now? Where are your Mam and Liam heading?” I deflected.
He shifted uncomfortably, “Nowhere, they’ll be at home. Mam would probably be cooking something.”
That was all I needed to spot the trap he was setting. We had just finished our pasta, lamb ragu for me and carbonara for him, and I had been about to ask him to join me at Rafferty’s to meet the girls.
“Why would I be having dinner with your family, Connor?” I asked lightly, though my voice had a sharp edge that I knew he’d picked up on.
He sighed heavily, “It’d be nice for them to meet you officially.”
I laughed, “What would they officially be meeting me as, Connor? They’ve known me most of my life.”
He started to flounder, and I could see the frustration creeping in as I forced his hand to just say it.
“They could meet you as my girlfriend.”
“No, they couldn’t,” I cut him off immediately. “Because I’m not your girlfriend, Connor. I’m no one’s, and I have no interest in that changing.”
“I know you don’t want to be tied down, Róis, but there’s something special between us. Surely it goes beyond this fear of commitment you’ve developed.”
Oh, the irony. MY fear of commitment - from the man who left me high and dry after breaking me in like a colt.
All my commitment issues were thanks to him, yet he expected me to get over that now he wanted me back.
The arrogance of the man left my mouth hanging open for a second, but I quickly recovered.
“Okay, Connor, since you have me all figured out, let’s say I get over these commitment issues you diagnosed me with. What makes you think it’d be with you?”
He startled, pain flickering across his face for just a moment. My pang of guilt lasted microseconds - I had nothing to feel guilty about.
“Because we’re endgame, Róis, and you know it. You even admitted it in Keileys. I’ve never felt anything like this for anyone else.”
I kept my face blank and shrugged, “Well, it’s not the same for me. I only said that in the moment. I have a romantic life outside you Connor, and I intend to keep it that way.”
“It’s that fucking Ken doll from the funeral, isn’t it?” he raged, cheeks flushed with temper as he demanded an answer about Ronan. “I recognised him from that night I met you in Limerick.”
“It’s none of your fucking business who I do or don’t see. I never promised you or anyone anything.”
His knuckles whitened as he gripped the table, jaw clenched at my words. The server arrived then with impeccable timing to ask if we wanted dessert.
“No thanks, can we get the bill please?” I smiled falsely, while Connor’s stare didn’t leave my face. He shuddered a deep breath, fighting to unclench his jaw and relax his hands.
“Róis-” he started, but I cut him off again.
“Just don’t, Connor. I’m meeting the girls now, and I think it’s better if we leave it there. I’m not interested in anything more, and you’re not capable of keeping things casual.”
“I am, Róis. I can keep things casual,” he said earnestly, and I gave him a sad smile.
“You obviously can’t. This whole thing was a ploy to pull me in so it wouldn’t just be casual. And look at your reaction to me playing the field. I can’t give you what you want Connor.”
“You can. I was wrong to push you. I respect whatever you want to do, Róisín, but don’t just cut me out. Having you back in my life these last few months has been… pretty great,” he finished, giving me a shy smile, and my heart melted.
All I’d ever wanted since he’d dumped me had been for Connor Donnelly to be the one who was besotted and at my mercy, so I could squish his heart like he had mine.
Though these shifts (from the heartbroken old flame fighting for me, to the seducer) threw me off, it was clear the feelings were the same.
Now that I had the power to crush him, I found I didn’t want to.
I cared about Connor - a lot. Too much. And everything he said about what was between us was true, I just didn’t want it.
I wanted Connor for his body and the comfort he gave me when I was with him.
It was selfish, but I was a selfish creature.
I watched him pay the bill and saw the question in his eyes.
“Come on to Rafferty’s with me. Fionn and his crowd are there, so Liam’s probably with them anyway.”
“Sounds good to me,” he smiled, guiding me out of the restaurant with his hand on the small of my back.