Chapter 17
The following Monday, I woke up at the crack of dawn to Mam ominously standing over my bed with a cup of tea in her hands.
“Jesus Christ,” I startled, shoving myself up in the bed. “What are you doing?”
“Language Róisín Tierney! We need to get ourselves ready for the appointment.” I blinked at Mam incredulously, checking she was being serious, then picked up my phone to check the time.
“I know but we might hit traffic love, and we need to find parking and everything. So up you get.”
I grumbled a few curses under my breath, realizing the woman had probably been up since 4am and exercised extreme restraint in waiting until now to wake me.
We’d been buzzing with excitement when Sorcha asked us to come to her thirteen-week scan today, but the Monday of the school holidays meant we’d be dealing with no traffic and Cork maternity hospital at 9am would be more than manageable to get parking.
I held my hand out for the tea Mam was holding as I sighed in resignation.
“Oh no love, this is mine. Up you get now and get dressed so we can hit the road. You know I don’t like driving in the city, so I don’t want to be rushing.”
She wasn’t even the one driving, I was.
When we arrived at the maternity ward a full hour before Sorcha’s appointment, I thankfully convinced Mam to come to a cafe with me while we waited, instead of standing vigil in the empty waiting room.
I was just finishing the last dregs of my latte, Mam nervously drumming her fingers on the tabletop, when my phone buzzed with Sorcha’s message.
Sorcha - We’re just parked now.
We made our way back and exchanged our hellos to Sorcha’s mam Bríd, before being led into the ultrasound room.
The nervous energy was sizzling between the four of us, and I kept asking Sorcha and Bríd inane questions to try and provide some source of distraction.
While we were all buzzing with excitement, we were also completely petrified.
She was just coming out of the first trimester and this was Sorcha’s first scan, our first look at the baby to reassure ourselves that it was healthy and happy in there - growing as it should.
“Hello Sorcha, I’m Emily,” a smiling, ponytailed woman in scrubs walked in.
“Hi,” Sorcha nervously waved back.
“So, you’re here for your thirteen-week scan, is that right?” Emily asked.
“Yeah, I’m thirteen weeks since yesterday,”
“Perfect, I’ll get you to pop up on the bed and pull your leggings down.
I’ll put this gel on your tummy, sorry it’s a bit cold, and we’ll have a look at the baba,” she smiled so reassuringly at Sorcha that we all began to relax.
As she started to move the probe around on Sorcha’s belly, the three of us nearly broke our necks leaning around to try and glimpse the monitor.
After a second Emily looked up and smiled, before flipping it around to face us as she moved the probe again and pointed to the screen where the form of a baby was clear to see.
“Here’s its little toes, and there’s a hand there,” Emily was pointing out body parts, but I couldn’t see anything anymore.
My eyes were swimming with unshed tears, and I couldn’t explain the feeling in my chest. It was like joy and agony were embroiled in a vicious war inside my heart.
I felt like I was coming apart at the seams with my grief over Shea, but equally like I might float through the ceiling with happiness at the new life Sorcha was bringing into our world.
A little piece of Shea. I could hear Mam sniffling beside me, when Emily looked at Sorcha again with a gentle smile.
“Would you like to hear your baby’s heartbeat?
” Sorcha just nodded through her tears, and suddenly we were surrounded by the whooshing sound of a little heart beating.
We all listened transfixed for a few seconds before the sound ended, and Mam’s choked sobs filled the room instead.
The rest of the scan passed in a blur of emotion as Emily did all her checks and confirmed the baby was healthy and growing as it should be.
The sense of relief was immense, and the four of us trekked out of the maternity ward with light hearts and a palpable air of excitement.
We were heading into the restaurant where Bríd had made our lunch reservation, when my phone started ringing.
I waved them on while I stayed outside to take the call, pausing when I saw Connor’s name as a FaceTime on the screen.
We’d had some text exchanges, but I’d avoided going into anything deep with him, especially about the kiss in Keileys.
I quickly adjusted my hair before answering, and his handsome face filled the screen.
He instantly beamed when he saw me and my face automatically answered with the same wide-mouthed grin.
“Hey Róis.”
“Hi,” I answered, a little self-consciously. “What’s the craic?”
“I’m just about to start my shift, what about you?” The smile hadn’t slipped an inch from his face, and he was starting to look like a talk show host - all teeth. I bit my lip to keep from telling him this, really working on that connection between my brain and my mouth.
“I’m just out of Sorcha's first scan,” I bubbled over with excitement and Connor nodded indulgently, making encouraging sounds until I started to run out of steam, his eyes soft the whole time.
“But anyway,” I trailed off, having babbled non-stop for five minutes and getting conscious everyone was waiting for me in the restaurant, so I cut to the chase, “Was there anything up?”
He cleared his throat, seeming a little nervous, “Well yeah, I’m on leave this weekend for the bank holiday and I wanted to take you out to dinner.
And before you say no, we’ve had so much fun whenever we’re together and I just figured maybe we should…
give it a chance you know? It doesn’t have to mean anything,” he finished awkwardly.
He was lying, I knew it and he knew it. Us going for dinner would one hundred percent open the door to something, but he was trying to downplay it as if it could be casual or sexual.
But I didn’t have to open the door, that quickie in the car with Connor and the kiss in Keileys was nowhere near enough to scratch him from my mind, and something about being with him had just felt so right.
Easy. I could keep it that way without anything more coming of it.
I was so determined to keep everyone at arm's length, I didn’t think it would be too much of a struggle to do the same with him.
“Okay,” I shrugged, and he blinked in surprise. “Look I’ve to go, they’re all waiting for me.”
“Sure, I’ll text you the details.” And he grinned before hanging up the call.
********
Fionn had been overwhelmed when I’d shown him Sorcha’s scan picture, we hugged for a long time on the couch where I’d interrupted his mindless scrolling on his phone, while Top Gear repeats played on the TV.
“I just can’t believe there’s going to be a new baby,” he breathed, as he leaned back to wipe his nose on his hand.
“I know, hearing its heartbeat made it so real. I’m already impatient for the next six months to be over so we can meet him.” Fionn's head pivoted to face me.
“Him? Did she find out what she’s having?”
I shook my head with a smile. “No but I just know it’s a boy, a little Shea for us all to dote on.”
“I think it’s a girl,” Fionn shrugged. “If he were here, he’d be hoping for a mini-Sorcha and a little princess to spoil. Look at the way he carried on with you and you're a head melt.”
I gave him a shove before I considered his words. He did have a point, Shea would definitely have hoped for a little girl.
“Can I ask you to do something with me?” Fionn interrupted my musings.
“Ya course, what is it?” I asked, and then instantly regretted it. Fionn's favours could vary from doing a tandem skydive together to burying a body.
“I want to visit the grave, and I was hoping you’d come with me,” he tried to make eye contact with me, but I dropped my gaze.
I was the only member of our family that hadn’t been to Shea’s grave yet.
Mam went every morning since she found out Sorcha was pregnant to lay flowers and ask Shea to look after her and the baby.
As if she needed to stand, staring at the pile of dirt covering his body, to ask him to do such an obvious thing.
Wherever Shea was now, there was no doubt he was watching over the love of his life carrying his child.
Dad and Fionn popped in and out, for a chat as Dad called it.
No one had directly tackled me about the fact that I hadn’t been yet, but I knew they were all starting to pay more attention to me.
Now invitations were being extended to join them a lot more, but they’d been casual enough that I could easily dodge them.
No one had cornered me as beautifully as Fionn had now.
His light blue eyes still watery from his tears of happiness about our nephew - or niece.
“I was just heading over to-"
“Stop Rosie,” Fionn interrupted. “I want us to do this together. Please come with me.” He grabbed my hand, and I made the mistake of looking into his eyes, noting the desperation lining them.
“Okay,” I sighed, feeling a knot tighten in my stomach at the thoughts of standing in the graveyard.