Chapter 20 #2
My night with Ronan left me more confused than ever as I tried to stick to my guns about not wanting anything serious.
After showing me how he could reduce me to a quivering pile of limbs with his dominatrix shit, he woke me up in the middle of the night to the softest brushes of his lips across my face and lips.
When we had sex with just the moonlight bathing the room, slow and deep while staring into each other's eyes, it didn’t feel like just sex.
It felt like a whole lot more, and that terrified me.
I tried to push thoughts of Ronan out of my head since we were right in the middle of exams and I needed to focus, so we hadn’t really spoken much over the past two weeks.
I used studying as the excuse, but I just needed space from him.
Of course, Connor the Sex God didn’t give a fuck what I wanted.
He’d been relentless since the night in Rafferty’s.
It was as if he could sense I’d been spending time with Ronan and was going to crowbar my heart open and shoehorn his way in, whether I wanted him there or not.
His stunt that night had pissed me off, but it killed me to admit I had liked it a little at the same time.
His ruthless pursuit of me made me feel like I was something rare and special, and he’d stop at nothing until I was his.
I was sitting in the library with Sinéad, cramming for our last exam the next day, as I turned it all over again in my mind.
Ella and Sara had finished up Monday and Tuesday, and when Sinéad and I sat our exams tomorrow afternoon, we’d all officially be free.
Niamh called in sick for another week and was camping out at ours while she performed a one-woman investigation into Dermot’s movements.
She found out last night he had a new girlfriend, and given how quickly it had all happened it seemed her instincts had been spot on.
I couldn’t wait to sink a few drinks and celebrate exams being over; everything had felt so tense lately and I just needed to blow off some steam with my real endgame: the girls.
“Róis?” Sinéad nudged me as I daydreamed out the library window, eyes tracking the same robin redbreast hopping back and forth for the past twenty minutes like it was putting on a performance just for me.
“Hmm?” I jerked, snapping out of my trance and shifting my eyes to her.
“I told Mam about leaving,” she said, a slight smile playing around her mouth.
“What did she say?” I leaned in. Betty’s reaction was the only hurdle it seemed like Sinéad would face in her grand scheme to go traveling. Unlike what felt like the full-scale obstacle course I would face were I to go with her.
“She’s proud of me, said she thinks I’m very brave,” Sinéad beamed. “To be honest I think she’s someone on the go.”
I snorted, “Good on her, why do you think that?”
“She just seemed to take it all a bit too in her stride, and when I quizzed her on it, she got all red and flustered. I hope she has though, I’m happy for her.” She said softly.
“When are you thinking of going?” I asked, the smile starting to slip off my face.
Contemplating Sinéad leaving on her grand adventure soured my stomach, but mainly because I didn’t want her to leave without me.
Every time I thought about what she was doing and pictured myself going with her, my heart felt lighter. It felt right.
Her smile slipped too as she answered me, “I’m going to leave after graduation. I haven’t said anything to the girls yet, I just wanted to tell my Mam first and maybe give you a chance to think about it.”
I gulped as I nodded, surprised she was going that quickly. It left the time for my internal back and forth on a short clock.
“Have you thought about what you want to do?” she probed.
“Yeah…. I want to come with you.” She smiled encouragingly, waiting for me to go on. “I -”
I broke off when I saw Sinéad’s eyes round as they darted over my shoulder.
I turned to find Ronan walked towards me, drawing the eye of every woman in a twenty-meter radius as he strode to our table with purpose.
His eyes churning but a sexy little smile on his lips as he caught my eye.
I instantly returned his smile, already feeling the beginning of that glow he always elicited from me.
“Well Sinéad,” he nodded to her, and she smiled back at him with a blush before he turned his attention to me.
“Hey sweetheart, do you have time for a coffee break?” he leaned over and tucked some loose waves behind my ear.
I felt a line of goose bumps erupt in the path his fingers took and turned to face Sinéad, who still had a faint blush on her cheeks, to tell her I wouldn’t be long and to keep an eye out for Cian who was coming to cram with us.
She nodded and waved me off, as Ronan slung his arm over my shoulder as we walked to the campus cafe, holding me close against his body.
We chit-chatted about exams while we waited for our coffee and when we sat at a table, he pulled his chair close to mine so he was crowding my space.
“I wanted to talk to you about something Róisín, but I don’t want you to react.
I just want you to think about what I’m about to say,” he said seriously, pinning me in his gaze with his face uncharacteristically serious.
I instantly reacted - my heartrate increased and my face betrayed every ounce of trepidation as I considered what he wanted to talk about.
He heaved a sigh as he watched my low-level panic and blurted, “I love you Róisín.”
I froze, staring at him with my mouth slightly open as he rushed on, “I think I started falling for you back when you would prod me with your pervert jibes with that cheeky smile on your face. But the more I’ve gotten to know you over the past few months, the more I’m dying to learn.
Every layer I manage to peel back gets better and better. ”
I shook my head, flustered at his declaration, “Ronan, you don’t really know me,” I protested, and he quirked a brow at me.
“No Róisín, you just don’t want me to. But I do.
I know how snappy and sassy you are to everyone around you, but to the people you care about you’re as gentle as a lamb.
You’re vicious to protect the people you love, but you push everyone away to protect yourself.
You’ve crumbled since your brother died, and you're slowly putting yourself back together one piece at a time. And still, you won’t let anyone help you do that.
You do everything you can, so no one gets close enough to see the real you.
But I see you. I love how fierce, and brave, and independent you are.
But what I love most, is that scared, vulnerable side you keep trying to hide from me. ”
I could feel the tears stinging my eyes at his words, and they started to spill down my cheeks.
I felt like I was naked, like even my skin was gone and he could see every secret, every thought I’d ever tried to bury inside of me.
Ronan saw it all. And said he loved it. He smiled softly as he leaned over to catch my tears with his thumb.
He’d always made me feel seen, happy when everything around me had felt dark.
But now, he made me feel like I wanted to declare my love for him right then and there, because I think that’s what I was feeling too.
But it fucking terrified me. I didn’t want to be in love, I didn’t want to be exposed and seen the way Ronan seemed to be seeing me.
I just wanted to run. Because eventually, he’d peel back that layer that would show him I’m not all that special afterall, not good enough for him.
The mystery would be over and he’d see the utter inadequacy that was me.
I could see him trying to keep his face neutral as he read every emotion warring across my face. I still hadn’t said anything, just continuing to let the tears flow down my face while I spiralled.
“I don’t want you to say anything sweetheart, I just want you to think about what I said.” And he leaned in to lay the gentlest kiss on my forehead before he walked away.