Chapter 21
I pushed the heavy door of the exam hall open with more force than necessary, eager to be free of the stuffy room.
That was it - a bachelor’s degree in Law, over and out.
After four years of toil, I was officially finished college.
No more lectures, essays, assignments, and best of all; no more exams. I’d found my final exam in state legislation tricky but felt confident I’d managed a decent grade.
Poor Cian had sweat rolling down his temple, scribbling furiously as I handed in my paper.
I strolled out of campus at a slow pace, soaking in the warm sun that had a hint of summer in the air.
It was my last time walking out of campus as a fully-fledged student and it felt surreal and sad, though I tried not to dwell on that.
My phone vibrated. Expecting another check-in on the exam, my face broke into a grin as I opened Sorcha’s text.
Sorcha - Well Róis, bump wants to know how it went??
Followed by a picture of her bump that had finally popped.
She’d been sending me a picture of her washboard stomach every week for the past month to see if I could notice the bump coming through.
It had just looked like she’d had a bowl of carbonara, but I hadn’t wanted to burst her bubble, so I played along that she was getting bigger.
But now little bump had arrived, loud and proud.
I rang her with an update to pass the rest of my walk home and was just saying goodbye as I pushed open the front door at home.
“Róis, is that you?” a muffled voice called out. I peered into the sitting room to find Niamh looking pale with red-rimmed eyes.
“What’s wrong, girl?” I rushed to her; certain another bomb had come to light with Dermot.
“I just got fired,” she whispered. I paused a second before pulling her into my arms. I fucking knew this would happen the longer she stuck her head in the sand and used our house as her hidey hole.
But I figured this wasn’t an ‘I told you so’ moment, so I bit my tongue and just rolled my eyes behind her back at the situation Niamh was now in.
Heartbroken and unemployed, what a fabulous combination.
“I’ll go make a cup of tea,” I said placatingly, pushing her back gently and making my way into the kitchen.
Sinéad was still in her exam, and Ella and Sara had gone on a road trip to Lahinch that morning to enjoy the sun, the wagons.
So, it was just me on Niamh duty until everyone was back.
My phone buzzed again, and my stomach flipped when I saw his name.
Ronan - Hope it went well, sweetheart x
I had messaged him before I went to sleep last night. I knew I wouldn’t get a wink of sleep if I didn’t say something to him after his declaration yesterday.
Róisín - I think I feel the same, but I don’t want to.
He’d seen it and hadn’t replied, which I guess I understood.
What could he even say to that? I was also grappling with the fact that Connor stirred some fairly strong emotions in me too.
It didn’t feel the same as Ronan, but it was just as strong.
Connor made me feel like he understood me, like he got the reason for every move I made, and he never, ever judged me for it.
He watched and waited in the wings until the moment I needed him, protecting me even when I didn’t want him to.
He had tried to reach me a few times since everything had gone down the night of our date, but I’d been too focused on my final exam and then too consumed with Ronan.
I owed him a conversation though, no matter how much I might be dreading it.
I hearted Ronan’s message and put it to the back of my mind as I heard an audible sniffle from the kitchen doorway and turned to find a forlorn-looking Niamh giving me puppy dog eyes.
After three more cups of tea, lots of crying, raging, and then stalking Dermot on Niamh’s part, the girls finally came home.
Ella unfortunately couldn’t exercise the same restraint as me when she heard the news.
“Sure, what did you expect? I thought you wanted them to sack you when you pulled another sickie.” Tactful as always.
We used a bottle of Sambuca Sara found leftover from a house party to raise Niamh’s spirits while we got ready to hit the lodge, everyone well on the road to langers before we left home.
But Niamh… she was really living her best life.
She’d flashed us her tits twice before we left the house, so we were going to have to keep an eye on her to make sure she didn’t give the whole of Limerick an eyeful that night.
We spent the night dancing like we were back at the teen discos until we were covered in sweat and panting for breath and soon fell in with a group of lads who were deadly craic.
They’d just finished exams too and were from a mixture of Galway and Waterford.
As the night went on, I invited myself and the girls back to their house for a party, I took my role as the group’s sesh hound very seriously.
That quickly escalated into a full-scale Project X style house party the more people me and Donal from Waterford invited while we were shite-talking in the smoking area.
I could see Niamh had her eye on one of them, and I was dying for her to get the ride.
Anything to distract her from that prick with ears, Dermot.
When the music finished and we arrived back at the boys’ gaff in College Oaks with half the nightclub in tow, Niamh disappeared into a bedroom with the best-looking one while me and the girls did a mini celebration dance.
We were all worse for wear at that point and coming into the DMC stage of the night.
Everyone except Ella, who was conducting her own singsong in the kitchen while Donal from Waterford played The Cranberries’ Zombie on guitar (poorly).
Sara was just launching into a retelling of her secret affair with Gary to a shocked Sinéad and I was relieved to no longer be the sole person carrying the burden of that secret.
The house was packed with people having a great time everywhere you looked; singing, dancing and chatting the night away.
But no matter which room I was in or group I was with, I couldn’t shake the restlessness pervading my body.
As soon as I’d join a conversation, I’d quickly make an excuse and leave again.
I’d laugh and clap along to the sing song, only to get irritated within minutes and move on again.
The initial feeling of that burning itch to escape was starting to crawl under my skin despite the exuberant mood and happy faces around me, and as everyone continued to party the night away, I quickly slipped away to walk home alone.
The only place that was starting to give me any solice lately.
********
As I stared up at the twinkling stars at 3am, forlornly thinking about which parts of Shea I missed the most, I was startled by my phone ringing.
I’d gotten home from the party an hour ago and had text the group chat I was gone to bed when my phone started hopping as the girls realised I’d left.
My social battery was running at an all-time low and since Shea’s death, I found myself craving space and solitude more than ever.
Niamh had looked like the cat that got the cream as she’d disappeared with the handsome physiotherapy student, so I was keeping my fingers crossed she’d been ending her night with a bang - preferably a good one since she’d drunkenly shared Dermot had never once made her orgasm in all the years they’d been together.
As my phone buzzed in my pocket, I pulled it out to see Connor’s name lighting up my Facetime.
Reckoning day had arrived and it was time to face the music it seemed.
But even in my drunken state, I’d sussed his strategy.
It was 3am when he’d decided to ring me.
. he knew I’d be drunk and so I was far more likely to answer him. The cute hoor.
“Hello handsome,” I beamed into his shocked face on the camera, taking him by surprise.
He quickly recovered. “Hello Róis, how did my girl do today?” he smiled sexily.
“I’m not sure who your girl is, but I did great.”
“Well done babe,” he said seriously, “but are you forgetting you’re my girl? You said as much yourself. End game, Róis.”
He couldn’t just fucking let it go. I heaved a sigh of annoyance, knowing there was no more avoiding this conversation.
“I was under duress,” I shrugged, and held back a snort as his eyebrows launched into his hairline.
“Duress? I suppose that’s one word for it, Róis. I’d call it right where you’re supposed to be.”
“Pinned up against a wall with your tongue in my mouth?” I quipped, emboldened by the alcohol.
“Yes babe, always. I told you I’ve never stopped thinking about you, I meant I never stopped loving you, Róis.”
I cleared my throat as he grew serious; I had whiplash from the shift in atmosphere. The teasing tone was gone now, and he wanted to get this off his chest.
“I don’t know what you expect me to say, Connor.
That shit you pulled in Rafferty’s was pretty low - I’m not some tree for you to piss on and mark your claim” I stuttered awkwardly.
I’d never stopped loving him either, despite his recent behaviour.
Every time I laughed off my young heartbreak or dismissed what we had as puppy love, I’d been lying. Mostly to myself.
“I expect you to admit you’ve never stopped loving me either, Róis. I know you’ve had flings on the side, but I think you need to stop lying to yourself, and to me.” His jab at Ronan being a fling wasn’t lost on me.
“What if the truth doesn’t make a difference one way or the other?” I whispered, feeling pulled apart at the seams. All because of him. He had to prod and prod until I was forced to face things I didn’t want to face.
“And what’s the truth, Róis?” He growled, his impatience clear on his face.