Chapter 21 #2
“That I’ve never stopped loving you either,” I choked out and the grim smile of satisfaction on his face made butterflies crowd my throat, “but it doesn’t change anything.”
His eyebrows snapped together in a frown, and I disconnected the call before he could reply.
Connor might be capable of forcing my hand on the truth, but he couldn’t change what that truth was.
I’d finally given in to the exhaustion and went to bed after the call, ignoring Connors attempts to ring me back and talk about – what?
I wasn’t even sure. We’d said all we needed to say, he needed to learn that just because he didn’t like something didn’t mean he could strong arm reality to suit him.
Despite the tiredness coursing through my body, I tossed and turned in bed as my brain wouldn’t shut up.
Connor’s dominance, Ronan’s sweetness, the claustrophobia, the pressure of what to do after graduation, the burning searing ache for Shea.
With my mind spinning out, sleep continued to elude me until I heard the girls clatter in the front door at 5am.
I reluctantly got out of bed and joined them, hearing the rustle of food and knowing they’d be whisper shouting in the sitting room and keeping me awake anyway.
Niamh was on a high from discovering there were some men willing to spend the four seconds it might take to discover her clitoris and was raving at me as the sun came up about how she was a reformed woman and only men like Stephen (the physio student), would be in her line up now she was a sex positive Goddess.
Sinéad had excitedly shared her travel plans with the group and I’d kept a strained smile on my face throughout the bubbling questions, and the determined proclamation from Niamh that she was joining Sinéad since she had no desire to be on the dole.
They eventually all turned in as the birds loudly chirped outside, and I got back under the covers, staring blankly at the cracks in my ceiling and feeling more alone than ever.
The next day packing up the house in Limerick was an emotional affair.
The four of us had been there for each other through every tear over boys, every emergency chocolate run for period pain and every stupid prank that made us laugh until our cheeks hurt.
The thought of saying goodbye to this chapter of my life, living with these three girls that were my safe space when life went to shit, caused an ache in my chest.
“That’s a wrap folks,” Sara smiled sadly as we stood in the sitting room.
Void of the Halloween skeleton we’d kept on the wall for three years, Pictures of the four of us that had been framed on the mantlepiece removed and the normal clutter of everyone’s shoes thrown into corners gone.
All of our personal touches that had made this our home away from home.
“It’s probably for the best; you were all starting to get on my tits” Ella deadpanned as I rolled my eyes at her.
“Fuck, I’m going to miss living together” I breathed, turning my eyes to the ceiling to blink back tears.
Moving out of this house was the end of an era, moving on from the best years of my life so far.
But I was determined I would never move on from the friendships I’d made here.
Meeting Sara and Sinéad had changed my whole college experience, changed me too as the little circle of trust I’d maintained around myself expanded to include these two legends into my life.
“We’ll end up together again, I’m sure of it!
We just have to figure out how to be grown-ups for awhile first” Sinéad nodded around at the group, the tone of her voice implying she was convincing herself as much as us.
We all locked eyes before coming in for a four-person huddle as we squeezed each other and a few audible sniffles sounded from Ella.
We were being a little dramatic with our goodbye, we’d be seeing each other in two weeks for graduation, and we had some extreme celebrations planned for after we’d thrown our caps in the air and our academic careers with it.
We’d booked a hotel in the city for the four of us to share a room for our last hooray and despite my heavy heart as we closed the door to number 67 Curragh Oaks for good, I was looking forward to some solitude and alone time.
Walking Healey’s fields with Bailey and taking in the spread of the Atlantic from the cliffs of Incheydoney.
No doubt a matter of days in the house alone with Mam and Dad’s nagging and Fionn’s hogging the remote to watch Top gear repeats would have me longing for this house again, but I knew moving forward meant turning the page on this chapter and figuring out what was in store for me next.
********
Everything was a flurry of activity and chaos when we arrived at UL on graduation day, and the ceremony was just starting by the time I located the girls, and we’d found our seats.
The past fortnight had been spent on some well needed RnR at home with my family.
Morning swims with Mam, walks up the fields with Fionn and movie nights with Dad where the TV volume had probably damaged my ear drums due to his refusal to accept he needed a hearing aid.
There was a buzz of anticipation around the college as everyone geared up to the pivotal moment of receiving their degrees, and everything that had been dousing me in negativity lately faded to background noise as I revelled in the moment I’d been working towards for four years.
Crossing the stage as “Róisín Tierney” was called, I focused on not face-planting and humiliating myself.
Ella had already managed to trip over her own feet right as she got to the Dean, nearly rugby-tackling him as he tried to hand over her degree in Marketing.
I shook the Dean’s hand amid screaming and whooping from the crowd and turned, red-faced, to see them all standing up and waving their arms around like deranged chimpanzees.
Sorcha, swinging her bump in her tight yellow dress and drawing every eye in the vicinity.
As I made my way back to my seat, my chest burning with pride, I felt my neck prickling and looked around.
Ronan stood at the back of the auditorium, leaning against the wall as he continued clapping for me.
I paused in shock for a moment before gathering myself and throwing him a smile as I waved my degree above my head.
He cocked his brow as he grinned back at me.
The fact he’d shown up to watch me graduate filled my insides with bubbles, and when the time came to toss my cap in the air with the rest of my year, I threw every one of my fears into the air with it.
After hugging the girls and making my way to my family for the squeezes and congratulations, I looked around to find Ronan.
We hadn’t really spoken since he’d told me he loved me, and my pathetic message back.
Him being here today meant more than he’d ever realise.
Showing up just to watch my accomplishment without even letting me know spoke volumes on the type of man he was, and how real his feelings were.
I swivelled my head back and forth trying to spot him through the crush of students and their families but there was no sign of him anywhere.
I pushed and shoved my way through the crowd, blinking at the bright summer light once I made it outside, and paused again as I tried to spot him.
His broad fuck me shoulders were a dead giveaway, even with the distance he’d already managed to cover, well past the courtyard by now.
“RONAN” I cupped my hands around my mouth and shouted, much to the chagrin of the fella standing next to me who nearly had his eardrums ruptured.
He paused and turned slowly, and I took a hesitant step forward.
But instead of walking in my direction he simply smiled softly, nodded his head and walked the other way.
My heart stuttered as I watched his retreating figure, why show up and then walk away when I tried to talk to him?
As my family engulfed me again, I pushed every distraction from my mind.
Today was about me, and I wasn’t letting anyone take away my shine of complete self-indulgence.
Professor Walsh found me after the ceremony, and I thought I’d burst from her praise at the ‘A’ I’d achieved in my thesis.
It meant I graduated with Honors and, thanks to Professor Walsh, a referral for an internship at an independent national news agency.
She still wanted me to do my master’s in journalism, along with her referral for the internship, but I was just weighing up all my options.
As the girls and I gathered around for pictures, I noticed a woman standing to the edge of the crowd, conspicuous from the gathering of students and families with a ramrod straight posture in leggings and a t-shirt.
She was catching my attention from the way she stared at our group, and I nudged Sara to point out the odd woman when Sara’s face paled.
“It’s Gary’s wife” she whispered, staring in horror at the woman eyeballing Sara venomously with slitted eyes.
“Fuck, look just go over to her before she makes a scene. I’ll come with you”.
She nodded resolutely and we both cut through the crowd to the imposing blonde, her eyes never leaving Sara once.
“So you’re the tramp that’s been opening your legs for my husband” she spat loudly at Sara.
Well bollocks, looks like we were getting straight down to business.
“Amber, I’m sorry. I know it doesn’t make any difference, but I called it off months ago” Sara replied in a low steady voice, as conscious as I was of the attention we were garnering.
“You called it off?” She laughed derisively, “Oh please spare me, he told me you’ve been panting after him since last year. And waited for your chance when he’d had a few drinks to seduce a happily married man you fucking slut”.
Sara just stared at her open mouthed for a second while I could feel my temper rise at the complete horseshit this woman was swallowing from that sleaze, as well as the character assassination of my friend.
“Listen I should have replied to your message when you asked me, but that is not what happened. The ins and outs don’t matter but you should know that your husband is not who you think he is”.
Amber’s nostrils flared and her hair looked like it was sparking electricity with the rage emanating from her, but Sara cut in again before she could erupt.
“I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you, I truly am. But if you did enough digging to find out about me then I highly suggest you keep digging Amber, because I am not the first and I most certainly won’t be the last… I’m sorry again”.
Sara turned and walked away from the shellshocked Amber, but before I turned to follow, I clocked Amber shift as she went to lunge at Sara’s back. I swiftly stepped in front of her.
“I seriously suggest you don’t do that” I said calmly, “I’m sorry for what you’re going through too but the only one you should be directing that rage at is the sleaze who betrayed you”.
Tears filled her tired looking eyes, and I caught the wobble of her lip before she turned on her heel and stomped off. I’d never felt more relief as I did in that moment that Sara had come to her senses before that situation had managed to become even worse.