Chapter 29 I Will Try To Fix You
I Will Try To Fix You
Wynter fingers shook as they touched the fragile paper.
The letters were indeed worn with time, but still legible.
He didn’t mean to find them at least not intentionally not like that but they were there hidden in a box by the door to his sister‘s room and she’d been distant lately and he was curious.
The handwriting was unmistakable, and it was Hannah‘s flowing and elegant.
The sharp sudden clarity pierced through his mind, and what exactly was going on as his eyes skimmed over the writing.
Dearest Hannah,
I understand that you’ve never wanted me to figure you out, but I cannot help but want to know the depth of you, the real you and not the performance you put on for everybody else.
Sometimes I feel like I’m not good enough to even talk to you-- you’re so much cooler than me and smarter.
It makes me feel oddly inferior. But you don’t make me feel that way, and that means more than you know.
As someone who’s always sort of lived in the background of siblings who have much louder personalities speaking to you amplifies my voice.
I know you’ve been hanging out with my brother lately, but I don’t think it’s anything more right?
I didn’t know you were into boys. I thought you were like me.
But if you just tell me, I’d understand I’m not expecting anything, just maybe an answer at the very least. Writing to you before the summer, pouring my heart out on paper and just letting myself finally live out my truth even if it’s in our own little made up world meant everything to me.
I wouldn’t forgive myself if I wasn’t honest with you about that.
Sometimes I remember what you said about life not being as easy as black-and-white and maybe you’re right maybe we can exist in the gray space together and make our own colors and I hope even if it’s just a little that you feel what I do too.
Yours Jiwon
Jiwon,
I think you’re misunderstanding something.
I don’t feel things the way you do. I’m not built that way.
It’s sweet of you to think that there’s something real here but honestly?
You’re being quite a bit dramatic Wynter was always the one that I wanted, you and I were just penpals don’t think too deeply into it.
I’m flattered that you admire me so much.
It’s adorable but Whatever it is that you’re hoping for you should stop it now you are my friend and that was all that we will ever be if I led you to believe otherwise I’m sorry, but that’s on you.
And don’t go around spreading this kind of thing about me you know my mom‘s Catholic and she kill me at the mention of it. I won’t drown with you I want to float.
Take care of yourself,
Hannah
Hannah,
I don’t even know why I’m writing this maybe it’s because it’s the only way I can make sense of whatever it is that I’m feeling, but I thought you were different and now I see that I was wrong.
I believed in you, and us, or whatever us even was, but clearly you never did.
And I add that the sheer fact that you think I would out you shows that you never really knew me at all.
But if you’d like to play make-believe, I’m happy to oblige, I’m happy to pretend that all the letters we exchange, and all the secrets we shared just never occurred.
If that would make you happy to live in a reality in which it was always Wynter for you, then that’s fine.
I don’t regret letting you in, I just regret thinking you’d let me stay.
Goodbye,
Jiwon.
Jiwon had been writing to hannah all summer long, she knew her before even he did.
That sure explained all the impromptu trips to the post office and coldness she’d had with him lately.
Furthermore these werent just letters they were carefully curated confessions of love and desire between the two, he felt as though he were an intruder flipping through those letters.
He didn’t know his sister liked girls– then again she was never the type to ramble on about romantic love none of his siblings were.
They all faced romantic affection like vines around their throat, like a cruelty inflicted upon their being.
He only wished things wouldn’t be the same for jiwon.
Now it made sense the way she leave the room immediately he and Hannah stepped in, the helplessness in her stare every time he wrapped his arm around the girl.
It all made sense. And he felt terrible about it, how could he have been so blind to his own sisters silent torment?
For someone who prided himself on being emotionally aware this was perturbing.
The truth crashed over him like a tidal wave, drowning him in guilt. He had failed her.
The sound of a door creaking open snapped him from his reverie.
Yesoh stood in the doorway, curls in pigtails, sunburn on her shoulder and deep brown eyes.
her figure a silhouette against the dim hallway light.
He didn’t need to look at her to know the weight of her gaze, the knowledge she had been carrying, perhaps for longer than he realized.
The air between them thickened, heavy with the unspoken.
“Did you know about this?” Wynter’s voice broke through the silence, raw and pained, his words as jagged as the fragments of his heart.
Yesoh’s eyes drifted, and for a moment, she seemed to shrink, the doorframe the only thing holding her up. She didn’t speak right away, the silence stretching thin, taut between them. Finally, her voice was a fragile whisper.
“It wasn’t my place to say.”
“That’s not an answer,” Wynter snapped, and she looked up at him, her eyes glassy. “And that’s not fair.”
“I promised Jiwon,” she said quietly. “She didn’t want you to know. She didn’t want anyone to know.”
Wynter took a shaky breath, running a hand through his hair. “I can’t believe this,” he muttered, the weight of the betrayal crashing over him. “This is why she’s been so upset. This is why she—” He cut himself off, grabbing his coat from the back of a chair.
“Where are you going?” Yesoh’s voice was tinged with worry now.
“To get some answers.”
Yesoh’s words were a slap to the face he could not beleive that he was being told that his younger sisters affair was none of his business.
He crumpled the letters in his hands feeling the kind of frustration and rage he had long attempted to suppress.
He was a wildfire rapidly spreading and ready to turn anything in his way to crisp.
He made his way down the winding path to Mirrorball house, then to March house, Sydney's house.
In search of the cause of all this hurt, in search of Hannah. He knocked on the door frantically.
“What do you want?” She asked, opening the door her voice calm, too calm, as if she didn’t know the hurricane she was about to face.
Wynter shoved the letters into her hands, his fingers trembling as he did so, his anger rising like smoke from a fire. “What the fuck is this?”
“Woah!” Syd gasped never having heard the Kwon boy curse before.
“I— where did you find these?” Hannah muttered.
“That’s not what I asked you, now explain.” He urged but she glanced down swallowing the guilt.
“Your sister and I we were um penpals.” She expressed trying to cover up the truth.
“Penpals don’t write to each other like this,” he shook his head.
“What are you insinuating Kwon, huh?” Hannah folded her arms defiantly. “You don’t get to waltz into my house—”
“Not your house!” Sydney called out from the living room. “You made that bed Han now lay in it.”
“You’re shameless, just because you didn’t want to live in your truth, it doesn’t mean you get to screw around with my family. You don’t get to make my sister look like the fool.” He expressed and it was an incredibly significant moment.
This was the first time anyone had ever seen Wynter get angry.
The first time he ever lost his composure, the first time he ever spoke his mind entirely and without restraint.
Yesoh watched from the doorway her mouth hung open in shock, Sydney, Cahya, and Jax agast from behind the living room couch.
“That’s not what I meant to do.” She chewed down on her bottom lip eyes welling up with tears.
“But it’s what you bloody did. You’re the worst person I have ever had the misfortune of encountering,” he said, his voice low but full of venom.
“You’re selfish. You knew about Jiwon, and you used her, twisted her heart for your own amusement.
You’ve hurt her more than your conceited mind could ever comprehend.
” His breath came in ragged gasps, the words tumbling out like shattered glass. “I regret ever—”
“Ah I see what this is about.” Hannah folded her eyes wiping a tear away. “You know what your problem is, Wynter? You think everyone should care as much as you do. But not everyone’s wired that way, and I’m not going to apologize for being honest about it.“
“You’re right, it didn’t mean anything—because you’re incapable of meaning anything to anyone. You think being cruel makes you powerful, but it just makes you empty.” He declared then tossed the rest of the letters at her leaving her standing there agape and in shock.
But then, he stopped. His eyes darted to the living room beyond the door, where the sound of voices reached him. Sydney. Jax. Cahya. All of them. The people he cared about, were all there, oblivious to the storm that raged within him.
His words faltered. The fury that had driven him here, that had burned through him just moments before, evaporated as he stood there, caught between his rage and the realization that this wasn’t the place for this confrontation. Not in front of them. Not now.
“I’m sorry.” He apologized to them, then back at Hannah. “But never ever to you.”