Chapter 39
39
AGE 20
A s I sit on the deck of Conor’s grandparents’ holiday home in Brittas Bay, I wish the rest of the summer hadn’t gone by so fast. Our time together is almost at an end, and I’m not ready for it.
Viv and I crammed so much in these past few weeks. Camping, swimming, biking, and hiking. Sneaking up Bray Head at night to fuck against the cross. I still get horny thinking about it. Spending three amazing days at Longitude with all our gang, indulging my joint loves—Vivien and music. In between gigs with Toxic Gods, Viv and I traveled the length and breadth of the country on my bike, visiting tons of the main tourist attractions, like the Cliffs of Moher, the Blarney Stone, and Newgrange. We’ve been inseparable, spending every spare moment together. Viv came to all our events and practice sessions, and she’s now as big a cheerleader as Ash is.
Her delight when another A&R scout from a big label reached out was obvious in the extreme. Unlike the last guy who contacted me and then ghosted us, this guy is super enthusiastic, getting back to me within a few hours of sending him our EP and other demo tapes. He’s coming to Ireland in three weeks and plans to catch one of our shows. He sounds really keen, and my brother is practically busting a nut he’s that excited. It feels like it might actually happen for us now, and I’m a little conflicted over it.
We haven’t found an experienced manager, though we did meet with a couple guys Ash found. None of us liked either of them, so we’ve decided to just go it alone for now and see how things pan out.
I’m excited but nervous about the potential outcome for a couple different reasons. And to be honest, most of my headspace is occupied with my girl. My head has been a mess since I admitted my feelings to myself.
I love her.
I truly fucking love her.
I’m completely and utterly head over heels in love with my Hollywood, and I don’t know what to do. I can’t even talk to anyone about it because no one knows my truths. I’m in bits, though I’m able to forget about it when I’m with her and just focus on the here and now. But the instant we’re apart, it’s all I can think about.
I missed her like crazy the week she spent in Cork and Kerry with her parents, Audrey, and Ash, and it’s a taste of what’s to come. Vivien and I argued a lot in the run-up to her parents’ trip. She understood my band commitments meant I couldn’t leave Dublin for a full week, but she didn’t understand my refusal to come for lunch at her place, especially when Ma was going to be there. I felt like total crap telling her I didn’t “do” the parents thing. It’s utter horse shite. If they were any other parents, I’d have been bending over backwards to meet and impress them.
But meeting Vivien’s famous parents was too risky. Viv’s mum was best friends with my birth mum, and our fathers are golfing buddies. They must know Reeve is a twin. They probably also know that Rhett was adopted by an Irish couple. Although I’ve changed my look, that doesn’t mean they might not join the dots where their daughter hasn’t.
Sometimes, I see Viv looking at me curiously, and I wonder if I have any of the same mannerisms as her ex. She never questions it. Why would she? But her parents might as they have the background knowledge Viv doesn’t.
I agonized over it for days when she first asked me to come to lunch, but I just couldn’t risk it. If Vivien learned the truth from anyone but me, it would definitely spell utter ruination for our relationship. Who am I kidding? Even if I had the balls to confess, our relationship would still be over. She would never believe me now if I told her I don’t give a crap about getting revenge on my twin. All that matters now is her.
I’d give up everything if I just got to keep her.
I don’t need fame or money.
I just need her.
I have wanted to tell her I love her so many times since the wedding, but the words refuse to leave my tongue. I’m out of practice saying them, and I can’t get them out of my head.
Maybe it’s for the best.
She’ll never forgive me.
How ironic that I set out to decimate Reeve’s heart yet it’s my heart that will be left shattered when she gets on that plane and goes back to L.A. I have no doubt he’ll be lying in wait for her, ready to swoop in and pick up where they left off.
I clutch the mug of now cold coffee in my hands, gripping it so tight it’s a miracle it doesn’t break. I feel sick. I want to reset time. To go back and do it all differently. But I don’t have a time machine, and what’s done is done.
I got steaming drunk last night after she sang “She Moves Through the Fair” for me. Jamie said she was practicing it for ages, wanting it to be perfect. She sang like an angel. She is an angel. What am I going to do without her? How can I go on with half a heart because I sure as fuck know mine will not function properly without her in my life.
Do I take a risk and spill my guts? Put it all out on the table and beg for her understanding and forgiveness? Or do I just beg her to stay because we love one another and this connection we share is too strong to walk away from? Could I be that selfish to ask her to stay when she doesn’t know the truth? I’m scared to answer that question because I’m just desperate enough to do it. I’ve even considered asking her to marry me, but I’ve got nothing to offer her, and I couldn’t let her tie herself to me without knowing the truth. I’m a conniving prick but not that big of a one.
“You’re in pain,” Conor says, easing through the sliding doors wearing black shorts and nothing else.
“It’s that obvious?” I ask, staring out at the sea in the near distance as my introspective bandmate takes the empty wicker chair alongside me.
“Only to those who know how to recognize it.”
He offers me his joint, but I shake my head. It’s tempting, but my head’s already a mess. Getting stoned won’t help.
“She’s leaving soon. I don’t think I’ll survive it.”
“Don’t let her go, mate.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“It’s as simple as you make it.”
“I wish that were true.” I could have made that my motto at the start, but I didn’t, and now I’m dealing with the consequences.
He clamps a hand on my shoulder. “You’ll figure it out. You always do.”
This time, I don’t have faith in my ability to un-fuck the things I’ve fucked up. If I tell her the truth, she’ll go running straight to my twin, and I’ll have sent her back into his arms heartbroken and hurting like I thought I wanted all along.
That is the last thing I want now.
I don’t want to send her back at all.
I want to hold on to her tight and never let go.
“I’ve fucked up real bad this time, Con.” Setting my mug down on the wicker coffee table, I bury my head in my hands.
“Remember we’re all fuckups, Dil, in our own way, and bad situations don’t always end up so bad.” With those parting words, he gets up and leaves.
I don’t know how long I sit out there before Viv finds me.
“Hey.” My spine locks up at her soft seductive tone. She drops into the seat Conor vacated as I look at her. “Are you okay?”
It hurts to look at her. The pain eviscerating me on the inside is so extreme I wonder if this is what a heart attack feels like. I look away, resuming staring at the sea. “I’m fine,” I lie.
“Dillon. Please look at me.”
I don’t know if I can bear it, but I can’t ignore her either. Slowly, I turn my head and stare into her beautiful face. Concern is splayed across her features. “What is it? What’s troubling you?”
“I’d have thought that was obvious, Viv.”
Her tongue darts out, wetting her lips as she nods. She hands me a hot cup of coffee. “Are we going to talk about it?”
“What’s the point?” I nurse the mug in my hands, willing the heat to seep into my chilled bones. My heart aches when she rests her head on my shoulder. How am I going to live without this?
“I hate this.”
“Me too.” I link our fingers, and we’re both lost in thought as we drink our coffee and stare at the sea.
Tension is palpable in the air, so pungent I can almost taste it.
“You said some stuff last night,” she says sometime later just as we put our empty mugs down.
My panic is immediate, and my entire body locks up. I was completely locked last night, and I don’t remember much after she sang except holding her on my lap and touching and kissing her in between knocking back far too many beers. What the fuck did I say? Butterflies multiple in my chest, and my mouth turns dry.
“You don’t remember?”
I shake my head, trying to calm down. If I’d said anything damaging, she wouldn’t be looking at me with compassion. She’d be glaring at me like she wants to claw my eyeballs out and feed them to me. I doubt she’d still be here if I’d blurted the truth. She’d have run a million miles away from me by now. Rotating my shoulders, I attempt to lessen the tension cording them into knots. “What did I say?”
“That you had something to tell me but you were scared.”
“That’s all I said?”
“You mumbled some other stuff that didn’t make sense.”
“It’s nothing.” Releasing her hand, I climb to my feet, needing to get out of here because it feels like I can’t breathe, and I don’t want to fall apart in front of her. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I just need a little space right now.”
She looks miserable, and guilt has a vise grip on my heart. It seems I’m not done fucking things up.
“I’m going for a walk. I’ll talk to you later.”
I don’t look back as I walk off, struggling to draw enough air into my lungs. When I reach the sand dunes at the back of the beach, I throw up, heaving until there’s nothing left in my stomach. Then I wander off the beaten track, staying away from the busy beach, as my thoughts attempt to strangle me. Back and forth I go, debating the pros and cons of my options, until I feel like screaming.
I wish I could tell Jamie. I’m sorely tempted to because I need his help. But I can’t pull him into this. It would set off a whole chain reaction of things I’m ill-equipped to handle.
I’ve been walking for hours when I finally make the trek back to the house. Ash has been blowing up my phone, but I’ve been ignoring her. Like I’ve ignored Vivien’s messages.
My heart is splitting down the middle, and I don’t want to face either of the women in my life.
I know what I need to do, but I don’t know how to make peace with the decision I’ve reached.
I can’t tell her.
Vivien can never know.
Either way, I will lose her, but at least this way she won’t be aware of my betrayal. I know it’s still gonna hurt her. But not as much as the truth. She’ll never believe me when I tell her I fell in love too. That none of the other stuff matters anymore. Only she does. But my words would fall on deaf ears. She wouldn’t be able to see past my manipulations.
I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t.
So, I’ll take the path of lesser evil.
And hope I can somehow survive when the darkness descends, threatening to bury me under a mountain of rubble I created.