Chapter 12 Voices in the Water by. Lux Veritas
Jackie
“Auntie Jack, wake up.”
I rolled over, trying to get the voice to stop. I had slept like absolute shit for the first half of the night. I had tossed and turned trying to get the nightmare to stop. A nightmare I couldn't even remember. I think there were other people in it, but truthfully the details were completely lost.
When Will woke me up, I was incredibly disoriented.
I wasn’t even sure who Will was for the first bit.
I was so scared and freaked out when I woke up, I practically begged him to stay with me.
I felt pathetic, but he felt so safe. When he had laid down next to me and wrapped me in his arms I had never felt so cared for by a person. It was a strange yet wonderful feeling.
Also his tattoos!
My god I had never expected them. They littered his entire torso and arms, and they all seemed to depict different stories from history.
One looked to be the fall of Icarus, another the touching hands of Adam and God.
There was also a quote on the left side of his chest, I am a man of fortune and I must seek my fortune.
It was all so unexpected to find on the very studious man, yet made perfect sense.
Will had made what was an awful night better.
I was still so exhausted, I just wanted another couple of hours of sleep.
It wasn’t until Will had woken me up and laid with me that I was able to finally fall asleep soundly last night and get the rest I craved.
His presence brought a sense of safety and security that I had never felt in the past. He didn’t just make me feel safe, he made me feel less alone.
I could still smell his woody cologne even now.
“Auntie Jack?”
Maybe if I burrowed deeper into my pillow I could convince Vi that I was still sleeping and she would leave me alone. I turned to hopefully hide in the pillow, but it shifted around me.
Wait.
My pillow shifted?
I bolted up to see that my shifting pillow was in fact Will.
Fast asleep.
Shirtless.
The tattoos on full display.
Wow, they looked even better in the daylight.
“Shit.”
I heard small laughter and turned to see Violet standing behind me. “Don’t swear, Auntie Jack,” she whisper yelled.
“Sorry,” I stated as I untangled myself from Will and stood up. I grabbed Violet’s hand and guided us into the safety of my sister's bedroom, far away from Will. Far away from shirtless, sleeping Will who smelled like the woods and made an excellent pillow.
“Theo?” I asked as I knocked once and let myself into her room.
Theo turned to the two of us from her spot under her covers as we entered and closed the door behind us. “Hi, you two. I was wondering where you went, Vi. I woke up and you were nowhere to be found.”
Theo’s room used to be Nate’s and there were still many remnants of him left throughout.
When we first moved here, Nate gave Theo and I the bigger room and he took this one, the smaller one. The blue curtains he put up still hung over the window. There were pictures of us on the walls, mostly of Theo and I.
There was even a rare photo of the three of us and our older brother Malachi.
He had come out to visit us about two years after we had left.
We had never been close to him. He still lived very close to our parents, meaning we never went to see him unless it was an emergency.
We all looked so young in the photo, so happy.
I needed to give Malachi a call. It had been too long.
Violet laughed at her mom and we both climbed into the bed with Theo. “I went to get Auntie Jack, but she was asleep.”
“I see you woke her up,” Theo said, clearly amused by her daughter.
“I think it was Willey.” Theo looked at me, shock evident on her face at her daughter's words. “I don’t think he was very comfy to lay on.”
I nearly choked at my niece's words that were exposing me. At this point Theo was probably imagining the worst. At least she didn’t mention his lack of shirt.
“He was naked.”
Well, fuck.
“I promise he wasn’t naked… just… well,” I stuttered out. “Just a little shirtless.”
Theo stared at me for a moment before breaking out into the biggest fit of laughter. “Oh my god. You two are so going to do it!”
I jumped and covered her mouth. “Shhhhh! You are going to wake Will up!”
“Do what?” Violet asked her mom.
“Get off of me!” Theo yelled, as I struggled to keep her mouth covered, and continued to laugh. Somehow we had begun to wrestle on her bed with Violet laughing hysterically in the background.
Truthfully, we all were laughing hard. It was these moments I had missed most about moving from this house. It was also in these moments I hoped more than everything that I could get her to move to Oregon and therefore closer to me.
Slowly, after maybe five minutes of our battle, we winded down and laid side by side on her bed with our heads at the footboard.
Violet had even climbed in between the two of us.
I turned to look at Theo, the woman who helped raise me when she was still a child herself.
She looked exhausted, but still breathtakingly beautiful.
She was the greatest, most thoughtful woman, sister and mother I knew.
Life had handed her a really shitty hand.
Honestly, it handed both of us a really shitty hand.
I handled mine with humor and sarcasm but she took it all with grace and love.
She was my only sister and my only true family left as well.
I would never take all she gave up for me for granted.
Yes, Nate was the one who initially raised me, but after she turned eighteen she chose to go to a college close by so she could still live with us.
She took on the main role of raising me for a bit.
I reached over Vi and grabbed her hand and gave her three squeezes.
“Don’t do that, Jack. You’re going to make me cry,” she whispered as she squeezed three times back.
“What did she do?” Violet asked her mom.
I let go of Theo’s hand and grabbed Violet's and watched as Theo smiled at the action and grabbed the other hand.
I looked at Violet as I explained, “Your Uncle Nate would do this. It was his way of saying he loved us. One squeeze for each word. He always said that words, sometimes were just not enough to explain just how much he loved us.”
“I.” Squeeze. “Love.” Squeeze. “You.” Squeeze. “Now do it to your mom, Vi.”
I watched as she listened to my instruction and told her mom she loved her in a way that meant more to us than just words.
What I didn’t tell her is that we learned to do this when hiding from our parents screaming when we were just kids.
How we would be huddled in a closet, or in the attic as they searched the house for us.
If we were found the punishment was… well, severe.
If we hid well enough they would eventually give up.
It was those nights hidden away that he taught us the action.
He would always do it when we were most scared, in the times we thought we were about to be found.
When he ran away from home the first time, when I was twelve, he snuck into mine and Theo’s rooms a few weeks later and grabbed our hands to tell us he loved us in his own words.
He was only sixteen years old when he left that night.
We knew he had to leave, but we also knew he would come back as soon as he could.
Which he did.
“I miss him, Theo,” I croaked and looked at my sister, tears filling my eyes.
“Me too,” she responded as she looked back at me. “But we have to live for him. He gave up everything for us. The least we can do is live a full life with as much joy as we can find.”
I nodded in understanding as she continued now in just a whisper.
“Jackie, live your life for you. Not for Fai. I know about what you went through that year you were gone, more than you realize. I will always owe Fai so much for helping you. But he didn’t save you.
You did. You saved yourself. You dug yourself out of the hole you fell into. You put in the work. Not Fai.”
“Theo,” I began to interrupt but stopped when she raised her hand towards me.
“Let me finish, okay?” I nodded again and sat up with her as we rested against the headboard. “What happened to Nate that night wasn’t your fault. I know you think it is. I have always known. You don’t hide it very well. Hell, it’s why you started drinking the way you did.”
The night Nate had passed was the worst night of my life.
I was barely twenty-one and went out drinking with my friends from college.
I had gotten completely wasted. I told Nate I was going to be home at two in the morning.
By the time three came around and I still wasn’t home, he came looking for me.
He drove around San Francisco, stopping at the usual bars I hung out at hoping to find me.
It was between bars that a drunk driver ran a red light and t-boned him.
He was pronounced dead at the scene. The police called Theo to let her know what had happened.
When I finally walked through the doors at seven that morning, I found her crying on the couch.
If I hadn’t been out so late and came home when I said I would, Nate would still be here.
“But he was out driving, looking for me,” I stated as I looked down at my hands. It was my fault.
“Yes, but you weren’t the one driving the car that hit him. That’s who we blame. Okay?”
“Okay,” I conceded. Logically I knew she was right, but deep down I think I will always blame myself.
“Live your life, Jackie. Please.” Theo grabbed my hand, prompting me to look into her blue eyes that matched Nate’s.
“That man out on my couch? He likes you… like, a lot. It’s kind of sweet.
Don’t let Fai stop you from seeing what it is you have between the two of you.
If you don’t like him, that is totally okay. But don’t let Fai stop you.”