Chapter 23
Dirty
I grunt as I tighten up the bolt on the Honda's cam belt, sweat dripping down my brow and back, causing my tank to stick to my body, and frustration consumes me as it has for the past four fucking days without my girls. It only keeps building the longer Holly takes to speak to me.
I feel like I’m missing a part of myself, and I honestly don’t fucking understand how Anchor, fuck, even Trigger dealt with this kind of shit.
I’m ready to blow.
The bolt jolts and fall to the floor, and I roar out in anger as I climb off the car and throw my wrench across the workshop, causing it to bang against the wall and I breathe heavily.
I can’t fucking do this. Why won’t she just speak to me?
“Well,” Ace mutters, and I glare his way with warning not to open his mouth like he had when we heard Caleb crying over the phone a few weeks ago, because I cannot and will not be held responsible for the beating he’s going to get.
“Not a good time,” I snap before I bend down and grab the bolt, and Ace sighs.
“Fucking hell, you and Hol are really struggling, huh?” he comments and I glare at him again.
“What do you know, brother?” I demand, and he gives me a sad smile.
“I know your girl is struggling with guilt,” he mentions, and I frown as he explains, “She won’t come out to the gates, and Matty explained that when Caleb is around, she looks ready to fall apart out of guilt. He thinks she thinks, she’s taken away his mama.”
“She is his mama,” I growl, and Ace smiles.
“I know,” he agrees, “but taking a life, you know how much it can consume you. Taking the life of a child’s mother that looks up to you, yeah, that shit is bound to fuck you up, and it has fucked her up, Alex, big fucking time.”
I turn away, placing the bolt in the tray as I try to control my breathing.
I feel like a fucking rabid dog that is being held back by a leash and the longer Hol takes to speak to me, the more feral I feel.
Honestly, I never thought I’d have these kinds of feelings towards a woman after what happened with Cheryl who by the way, the cops found in an alley where the Pillars used to deal.
They believe she was part of their group and was killed out of retaliation for whoever they fucked over when they were dismantled.
Holly is my fucking universe, and I’m lost without her, lost without Lyra, whom I’ve only just spoken to on the phone at bedtime, making it even more difficult. Having her yesterday evening doesn’t fucking count, she should be at home always along with her mama.
"She was never a mother to him," I mutter.
Ace hums in agreement but reminds me, "Holly is a mother, so that’s how she’ll see it.
She’s struggling, brother. Matty said this is her way of making sense of things—blocking people out, like she did last week after nearly losing her job.
But now, with blood on her hands, it’s taking her longer to come to terms with it and he mentioned that her father is even threatening to come down because of how closed off she’s become. "
“And what happens when she comes to the wrong terms?” I demand as I face him, “What happens if she comes to the conclusion that Caleb and I are better off without her?”
He shrugs, then mentions, “Kidnap?”
I can’t help the lip twitch at how seriously the fucker said it.
“God help whatever woman falls for you, brother,” I say, and he snorts, “Never going to happen, I like being single, I like the easy life because right now, what you are going through, what Holly is going through, is my kind of fucking hell.”
“If the one comes, brother, I don’t think you’ll have a choice. I felt the same way as you, but then in walked Holly—”
“Don’t you mean, in shoved Holly by your seven-year-old?” he asks, cutting me off, and I chuckle but agree.
"Yeah, in shoved Holly by my stubborn seven-year-old and she took my breath away instantly. I knew not to fight the connection, despite being dead set on not meeting her. She’s my fucking everything, brother.
When you do fall—which I believe you will—it will knock you on your ass," I say but he shakes his head as my phone beeps.
“Like I said, never going to happen,” he says in denial, and I chuckle as I get my phone out of my overall pocket, opening up the text thread between Dad and me.
Dad:
I have Lyra at the clubhouse, she’s spending the weekend.
“Fuck,” I choke, and Ace questions, “What?”
“Lyra’s at the clubhouse,” I answer before running towards the door not giving a fuck about the garage or the car I’m supposed to be servicing, Ace right on my heels.
My little girl is home, she’s fucking home.
Now I just need her mama.
***
I rush into the clubhouse ten minutes later, and instantly my eyes latch onto Lyra running around with Caleb, and everything in me loosens seeing her here, where she is safe, just as Ace chuckles, “As I said, let her have the breather.”
“Holly didn’t even ask,” a voice says to my right and I lock eyes with my dad, who explains, “I walked into her classroom and Holly didn’t even ask why I was there.
She packed Lyra’s things and just asked if you were having her for the night or the weekend.
I told her the weekend, and she didn’t argue. ”
Fuck…
“I haven’t lost her yet,” I choke, hope building.
Dad squeezes my shoulder and admits, “I don’t think you’ll lose her at all.
Even if you did kidnap her and tie her to your bed, she’d stick around.
She’s just struggling,” he clears his throat and I look his way as he adds, “What happened brought stuff up for her. She said her first boyfriend cheated before he died…”
I frown but nod, not really seeing how that can compare to what happened, I mean, the cheating shit, yeah, that probably did bring back some memories, if she had seen it with her two eyes, but the dying bit, it doesn’t make sense.
I open my mouth to question my dad, but Lyra’s, “Daddy!” echoes, and I look at her sharply, my heart pounding as she runs my way, every brother and woman all grinning from ear to ear at her endearment for me.
“Fuck,” I choke just before Lyra throws herself at me, and I catch her, but instead of spinning her like I normally would, I hold her tight and whisper, “Hi baby girl…”
This is the second time now I’ve felt lost without her around, without Hol, and I fucking mean it, it will be the last time.
“I overheard a conversation with Hol and Ly earlier,” Dad admits as Lyra lays her head on my shoulder, holding me tightly, “Ly was scared Hol would be upset if she called you daddy and Hol, fuck son, she encouraged her.”
“Oh yeah, you definitely haven’t lost her,” Ace mutters from beside me, and I kiss my daughter's head, holding her tightly to me while a plan forms in my head, one where I will kidnap my girl and tie her to the bed, making our family whole again.
“Dad,” I say softly, “I need you to watch my kids for an hour,” and Ace mutters, “Uh-oh,” realizing I’m taking his advice but I ignore him.
I need to go see my girl, whom I haven’t seen since that day at school, and I need to bring her home where she belongs.
***
I climb off my bike three hours later, stars shining above, eyes fixed on Matty’s bungalow and yes, I said Matty’s. He transferred the lease without her knowing this afternoon, while I watched the kids play before dinner with the whole club, the old ladies taking over the cooking.
No one wants food poisoning from the clubwhores that were down to cook tonight. Don’t get me wrong, some really do try, but others are better off cleaning.
Hol’s car is parked up. Matty’s not around—he’s meeting up with a hookup, like the man whore he is now that his stalker has been arrested, making this easy for me, for us.
I walk to the front door and not surprised as it opens and finally, I see my girl. Her eyes shine as they meet mine, and I don’t think. I walk right up to her, wrap my arms around her waist, and lift her up, needing to feel her body pressed against mine, to have her arms wrapped around me.
She doesn’t hesitate to wrap her arms around my head as she brings her legs up and wraps them around my waist and my tension eases.
“Fuck, darling,” I choke, finally feeling at home.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers and I hold her tighter and press my face into her neck, breathing her in for a few minutes before I give her the choice.
“Come home, baby,” I plead after a few seconds of us just holding each other, and I tense when she shakes her head.
Fuck, I’m going to have to tie her up…
“Darling—”
She cuts me off and whispers, “I just need time.” I squeeze her tighter, fucking hating that term, but it doesn’t deter her.
“I'm not saying we're over. I'm just saying I need a little space to get my head around everything that has happened since we got together. What happened four days ago—it was a lot, Alex. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty. I know I shouldn’t pull away from you, from Caleb but I-I… All I’m asking for is some time.”
Fuck, when she says it like that, how can I say no?
How can I kidnap her when she’s only asking for this one thing?
Kidnap her, do it, tie her to our bed and worship her until she stays, the devil on my shoulder encourages, and is there an angel on the other side going against the little devil? Like fuck is there because there never has been…
“Please, Alex,” she rasps as she squeezes her hold on me, feeling my emotions, and I sigh.
Fuck’s sake.
“Okay,” I grumble, and she pulls back so we make eye contact and raise a brow.
Her hair is in its usual bun, and the urge to yank it down and kiss her burns inside, but I squash the feeling, knowing she needs this.
Fuck, she did kill Cheryl, and even though I would rather have her lean on me, as Matty explained, she’s had eight years of depending on herself.
“Okay?” she confirms with a raised brow.
I have the urge to walk to my bike with her in my arms, because, let's face it, her skepticism is well earned, but honestly…
“Yeah, okay,” I sigh, not happy about it.
“Now, don’t get me wrong, darling. If you had said we were over, I would have hauled you over my shoulder, taken you home, and tied you to the bed.
But I can understand you needing some time after what you walked in on, with the shit that has happened to your job, your home, and then what you did to save me.
I fucking get it. I don’t like it, but I get it.
You have your independence, and it’ll take more than a few months to get you to rely on me. ”
Her whole body melts, her mouth parting a little, awe etching her features, and I grin, I can’t help it.
“I just made you fall for me a little more, didn't I?” I confirm with a smirk and she scrunches her nose up before pushing herself away from me a little, causing me to place her feet back on the ground, and she says, “Go away.”
I chuckle as I cup her cheeks and gently run my nose along hers before pressing my lips against hers, which instantly tingle with her touch, and I murmur, “One week, darling, that's how long I'll give you, but don’t expect me to stay away from Lyra. That amazing little baby girl called me daddy today, and it is a role I will honor.”
Holly melts even further, and I can see the love she holds for me, but I also see the pain, the guilt.
“One week,” I remind her before pressing my lips hard and fast against hers, our tongues instantly touching, just to get my fill before I push away and walk out without looking back.
If I don’t go, then I’ll throw her over my shoulder.
One week, just one week.