Chapter 17
CHAPTER 17
Dana
Fucking… fucking… asshole!
Dana stalked through the Dungeon, heading toward the exit. A few couples were inside, but most seemed preoccupied with each other, which was good, because it meant as she marched past, she attracted little attention.
And she didn’t want attention right now because what Kurt had just done…
The fucking asshole .
As she stormed up the steps, the blood pounding in her ears and the heaving of her chest brought her to a halt. She clenched her hands, forcing herself to try to calm. He shouldn’t have the power to make her feel this way, to have this control over her except when she chose to give it to him. In the past, Dana had given Kurt control on her terms exclusively, but this time? This time he’d demanded, and she’d given in. And that—that sensation of the situation being completely out of her control—that was what had her standing here right now. Because even though her anger was writhing through her, another feeling lurked beneath the surface, too. A sense that was almost…
Relief.
Dana shook her head. No, that… that wasn’t possible. She couldn’t be feeling that. That didn’t make any sense. Anger was clouding her judgment. She needed to get her thoughts together, settle herself down, and push away the anger so she could come at this rationally, without emotion.
She glanced toward the bar. A drink. A drink to give her a moment to calm the chaos and turbulence in her head.
She headed toward the counter where only a few people were scattered along its length, and she’d barely taken her stool when the young woman tending approached.
“Evening! What can I get you?”
“Bourbon, please.”
“Absolutely. Any one in particular?”
“You pick.”
“Ooh! That trusting, huh?”
Dana smiled tightly. “That needing of someone to make a decision right now other than me.”
“Yeah, been there, done that.” The bartender smiled. “I’ll be right back.”
Dana drew a deep breath and released it slowly. Glancing back toward the steps from the lower level, she looked for any sign of Kurt coming after her, but he didn’t appear. At least the jackass was self-aware enough to know better than to follow her. She turned away and gazed down at the bar top, the overhead lighting reflected in bright dots on the dark glossy wood.
I can’t believe he did it.
But he had. And she’d let him. And the realization of both those things warred with each other inside her head, along with a question that applied to both.
Why?
Movement brought her face up as the bartender set a glass in front of her. Two ice cubes and a smoky amber liquid filled it three quarters full.
“Try it,” the woman ordered with a grin.
Dana picked up the tumbler wordlessly and took a sip. “My trust was well-founded. ”
“And you just made my night,” she replied cheerfully. “Is there anything else I can get you?”
“No, this is perfect.” Dana took another sip.
The bartender nodded. “Okay, well, let me know if something comes up.” She turned and left, and Dana looked down into the glass in front of her.
At least one thing about this evening has gone right…
She was still staring into the tumbler, trying to gather thoughts that careened off each other like cat-nipped kittens, when movement to her right drew her attention.
Derek Hawkins came to a stop beside her. “Evening, Ms. Aziz,” he said politely, taking the stool next to her. As he did, he narrowed his eyes. “Are you okay?”
Dana had no idea how she looked at present. Turning away quickly, she scrubbed beneath her eyes where tears had recently stained her face.
“I’ll be fine.”
“Okay.” There was a moment’s pause, then he asked quietly, “So, how did things go?”
She snapped her head around. No. He… how could he have…?
“You knew.”
Mr. Hawkins shrugged. “He and I talked.”
Resentment flashed through her, stoking the anger she’d been trying to push down. “Fuck off.”
Mr. Hawkins’ body tensed, but as he leaned toward her, his voice remained calm. “Darlin’, I’d really appreciate you changing that tone when you’re speaking to me. I don’t need you to like me, but you will address me civilly.”
The fuck I will. She didn’t voice the words, though. For some reason she bit them back, letting them stay in her head rather than cross her lips. Instead, she snapped, “Fine. Would you please leave me alone, Mr. Hawkins. ”
“That’s better,” he said evenly, but he made no move to do as she’d asked. “Now, can I ask you a question?”
“No,” she fired back.
“What I want to understand,” he continued, ignoring her answer, “is why you’re fighting so hard against something you so clearly want, especially when someone you care about wants the same thing.”
“You don’t know me,” she retorted, her tone bitter. “You have no idea what I want.”
“Is that right? Then tell me I’m wrong.” He gazed at her patiently, his expression almost amused. “Well, go on, Ms. Aziz, tell me I’m wrong.”
She clenched her jaw, eyes burning with every bit of anger and frustration that raged within her. “Oh, you think you’re very clever, don’t you? Well, let me tell you something, Mr. Hawkins, despite your arrogance, you don’t know everything.”
“You’re right, I don’t.” He tapped a forefinger to the bar. “But for the purposes of this discussion, I don’t need to. I know enough from what Kurt told me and what I’ve observed of you to draw my own conclusions, right or wrong.” He paused, looking expectantly at her.
“So,” he continued when she refused to take the bait, “I take it from the look on your face he followed through on what he intended.”
“If you mean being a complete asshole and punishing me, then… yes, he did.”
“And you don’t think you deserved to be punished, do you?”
“No, I don’t,” she ground out the words.
“And why’s that?”
“Because I never actually agreed to it,” she spat. “We never negotiated punishing or disciplining me. ”
Mr. Hawkins tilted his head, a frown creasing his face. “Wait, he didn’t tell you what he intended to do?”
Dana swallowed. “I mean, in vague terms, yes, but not the details.”
“That’s not what I asked,” he replied brusquely. “Did he tell you he wanted to discipline and punish you before he took you down to the play floor? Because if he didn’t, that’s a problem.” His gaze bored into her. “Ms. Aziz?”
She flicked her hand back and forth. “He… he did, but still…”
“Stop,” he countered. “If he communicated to you what he intended to do, that’s all I’m looking for.”
Dana pursed her lips then nodded.
“Fine.” Mr. Hawkins blew out a short breath. “So, knowing that, I want you to be perfectly honest with me: why didn’t you stop him, if you didn’t want him to follow through on what he proposed?”
“I would have,” Dana grumbled, “if I’d known exactly what he was going to do.”
“So, once you were at the point where it was clear how he was going to punish you, you tried to stop him, but he continued anyways?”
“N…” Dana’s voice faltered.
“Ms. Aziz.”
“No. I didn’t,” she answered softly.
“Because at some level, deep down, you wanted what he did, didn’t you?”
Anger tried to flare back to life. “That’s bullshit. I… I?—”
“You what?”
“I…” And the flame died along with her retort.
“Let me be clear to you”—Mr. Hawkins pointed across the room—“that man is going to walk out of your life if you can’t figure this out. And after what he’s told me, I wouldn’t blame him. You can only watch someone being self-destructive for so long before a line has to be drawn.”
“I’m not self-destructive,” she replied sullenly. “That’s nonsense.”
“Is it? Because I’m pretty sure there’s more than a few folks who see things a bit differently.” Mr. Hawkins cocked an eyebrow. “Let’s look at this from a different angle: if Kurt had an opioid addiction, would you just silently stand by while he suffered, or would you try and help him overcome it?”
“That’s a ridiculous comparison. I don’t have a drug addiction.”
“But you do have a problem.”
Dana waved her hand dismissively. “Kurt’s the one who has a problem.”
“Yes. He has a problem watching you do things that could get yourself hurt, or even worse, killed.”
“I haven’t?—”
“You didn’t break two ribs in South America going where you were expressly told not to?” Mr. Hawkins shot her a challenging look. “You didn’t get trapped in my mine the other day being where you shouldn’t have been?”
Dana looked away, taking a slow breath. She didn’t owe Derek Hawkins an explanation for anything, and there was no reason she should feel as defensive as she did right now.
So… why are you still sitting here? Get up, tell the man to fuck off, and leave.
But she didn’t. Instead, she turned back to him. “And I suppose discipline will cure me of that.”
“No. But it might make you think twice. It might give you incentive to stop and consider the consequences of your actions.”
“I’m not a child. I’m an adult.”
Mr. Hawkins barked out a laugh of derision. “Who acts like a petulant child when someone tries to stop you from doing whatever it is you want to do. Believe me, I’ve dealt with that behavior plenty of times in the past.”
“I’m not one of your Littles,” she fired back.
“Tell me something I don’t know! At least they have the self-awareness to recognize when they’re behaving like spoiled brats. You’re in complete denial.”
“You… asshole !”
A smile turned up the corners of his mouth, but there was no humor in the gaze he leveled at her. “Ms. Aziz,” he said quietly, “I’m going to give you one final warning; talk to me that way one more time, and I will get up from this stool, and you and I will never speak again. But mark my words, you won’t like who I talk to next.”
Dana’s eyes went wide. “So, is this how you handle things in your little BDSM world here, Mr. Hawkins? By making threats?”
“It is when someone can’t abide by one simple request,” he replied calmly. “It really isn’t that hard, and I’m pretty sure if you put your mind to it, you can. Now, whether you choose to do so is a different thing entirely. I’m simply saying if you don’t, there’ll be consequences. No different than what Kurt’s asking.”
Dana picked up her glass and slammed back the last of her drink. This conversation was not going the way she’d expected, and she was irritated with herself for remaining seated here at all. Mr. Hawkins was practically a stranger; they’d only known each other for a few days. So why in the hell was she even entertaining what he was saying to her?
Oh, you know the answer to that…
“So… what?” she said, setting her empty glass down. “I don’t have a say in what I do anymore? I have to be some kind of mindless obedient slave for Kurt?”
“Oh, come on now.” He snorted. “That’s horseshit, and you know it. You know he’d never ask that of you.”
“Well, it sure as hell seems that way to me!” she replied.
“No. What he’s asking is for you to listen. To listen to him when he tells you you’re being rash. To listen to him when he warns you you’re taking a risk you shouldn’t. You’ve been in the lifestyle long enough to know one of the most important aspects is communication, but you’ve been topping from the bottom. Cherry-picking when it suits you, and that needs to stop.”
“So, all I have to do is listen and obey?”
“No! All you have to do is listen , and if you choose not to obey, accept his discipline and punishment if your decision leads to something bad happening.”
Dana leaned back her head, staring up at the ceiling. “Still seems pretty much like a one-way street.”
“Except it isn’t because you do have a choice. You don’t have to obey. You can do whatever you want in each and every instance. He can’t—and won’t—ever force you. But you will have to accept the consequences every time you do choose to do things your way rather than what you and he have agreed upon.”
She brought her gaze down to meet his, her jaw clenched.
“Not only that,” he continued, “ he has to listen to you, too. It’s not just his way or the highway. He knows that. ”
“Oh, does he?” Her doubt was matched in both her tone and the look she gave him.
“Yes, because we discussed that’s the only way this works. Communication. Negotiation. Understanding. Compromise. He may not always agree with you, but he has to listen and acknowledge your side of the story, too. And he has to accept that sometimes you’re right and he’s wrong, and he needs to let you do what you need to do.”
“And the tiebreaker?”
Mr. Hawkins regarded her with a shrewd look. “You already know the answer to that.”
Dana glanced away. She did know the answer. It was part of the reason she was still sitting here when a large part of her said she should’ve walked away ten minutes ago.
“You make it sound so easy,” she said, looking back at him.
“Oh, good lord no!” he shot back. “It’s going to be difficult as hell. Discipline is probably one of the hardest things to establish between two people, especially the kind that’s not kink-scening in a club or play in the bedroom. At best, I give the two of you a forty-sixty chance of making it.”
“Wow. How generous.”
“I’m just being realistic. Same with you as I was with him.”
They both stared at each other in silence.
“So… now what?” she asked quietly.
Mr. Hawkins looked away. “Well, I suppose that all depends on what you do next.”
Dana followed his gaze. To where Kurt stood watching them .
“Are you willing to try and work this out? Is that something you truly want?”
“Yes,” she whispered, not taking her eyes off Kurt.
“Then I suggest you stay right here.”
Mr. Hawkins slipped up from his bar stool and began to leave. He’d barely taken three steps before he stopped and turned back to her.
“Before I go, Ms. Aziz,” he said, “I want you to know it’s been a genuine pleasure meeting you. Still only give the two of you a forty-sixty chance, but… you’re an incredibly strong woman, and that, honestly, is hot as hell. Mr. Ellery…”
He looked to where Kurt waited before glancing back at Dana with a smile.
“He’s a very lucky man.”