Chapter 30
It’s not supposed to feel like this , she thinks. It’s not supposed to hurt this bad.
She doesn’t understand if losing the idea of him is what hurts…or learning what Dieter was under the surface all along. She doesn’t know what that says about her.
Curled up in the dark of her room, all the shades pulled, Kara clicks through her phone, seeking the old voicemail she has saved, the one with no name attached to it anymore. The one she can’t bring herself to delete.
Clicking play, she lifts it to her ear, as if preparing to hear a guilty secret.
Dieter’s voice lilts into her eardrums, playful and charming as he babbles to her about his polo match and how he nearly got clobbered by Cliff Donahue, switching to how he needs her to fire his gardener because the man is being a complete ass on purpose-
Closing her eyes, she plays it again. And again .
Of all the ended relationships Kara’s gone through, she can’t understand why this is the one that feels like someone stuck their hand in her chest and ripped out all of her insides, grinding them into the dirt beneath their feet.
Dietrich Bittinger is a monster of the worst kind and she shouldn’t resent his absence.
It’s amazing that in comparison, suddenly Nicholas Havenwood-Calais doesn’t seem so horrible. He’s nearly a saint when stacked up beside Dietrich Bittinger.
Nick was right about him all along and I never listened to him. I thought his jealousy and his past with Dietrich were clouding his judgment. But he was trying to warn me the whole time.
It’s Nick’s phone call that pulls her out of her strange miasma of misery. His voice is hesitant when she answers, surprisingly not full of that typical arrogance of his. “I’ve been trying to get ahold of you for a few days. I thought about what you said and…then when I didn’t go to the station, and I didn’t hear from you…” His tone sounds guilty, unsure. Not his typical self. “I know you meant to ghost me out of your life again after our past two meetings. But I still couldn’t get what you said out of my head. I thought it was too late for us.”
Sadness compiles on top of what already suffocates her. She can’t seem to muster the energy to speak, but somehow she barely manages, “I haven’t been ignoring you, Nick.” She saw repeated missed calls from him in her phone history. She couldn’t have answered even if she wanted to; she’d been a captive at the time.
A part of her remembers what Dieter mockingly told her; about Nick and Claire calling it off. Kara can’t even begin to hope it’s true. It could just be another cruel game. She can’t take much more of that.
“Then, why the complete radio silence?”
Where to even start? A moment of hysterical laughter almost creeps out of her lungs. Mad and insane, twisted from the horror of all her experiences and discoveries in the past few days. It’s not something she can even bring up over the phone. Especially not if it’s still being tapped by that goddamn nightmare man, Navarro.
Her voice cracks terribly. “Do you think…do you think you could come over today? And see me? Please?”
He sighs, likely remembering the first and last time he came to her apartment. The conversation they had. The shameful, filthy thing they did. “Are you sure you’re ready for me to come back?”
A well of emotion swells and Kara smiles sadly, feeling her eyes pricking. It takes all her strength to shove Dieter out of her mind. “Something bad happened. Something really bad. It’s why I didn’t call you back. I couldn’t .”
There’s silence for a moment as Nick digests her words. “Oh, Christ .” His voice sounds strained. “Tell me it wasn’t- no. Wait. Don’t say anything. Are you safe? Alright?”
She’s not alright, but she hopes that someday, she will be. “Yes. Just please. If you have time-”
“If I have time? ” He replies, aghast. “I’ll make the time. I’m heading over now.” He’s never been one to be interested in being ‘available’, as it were. This immediate response, this urge to come and make sure she’s okay is stunning.
Once upon a time, she would have never dreamed of allowing Nick into her home. Not ever. When they first met, she never trusted him- and with good reason . But now? Now her reasons to stay away from him seem so distant and silly, if it’s true that he and Claire have officially broken off their engagement.
He understands her. He knows her, and things about her that no one else understands. There’s a dark intimacy between them that can never be replaced. If only he would put his own happiness first and not his disgusting mother.
Maybe together, they can find a way to heal. With all this external bullshit out of the way, maybe they can focus on themselves instead of everyone around them.
When Nick arrives at her apartment, his normally stone cut features soften when he takes in her drawn appearance. “ Kara .” His voice, a strangely soothing balm. Those blue eyes, trailing her face with familiarity, a visual caress. Concern is clear in his gaze.
It occurs to Kara that he’s never looked at her like this before. Worried for her .
A sad grin shapes her mouth, a useless expression. She feels beat and broken on the inside and knows she has healing marks along her spine that he cannot see. “That bad?”
He comes forward to her, hand outstretched. “What…did he do? How? ”
Without any specifics, Nick already knows exactly who is responsible for her miserable appearance. A strange thing occurs to her then, a momentary fear. “Do you know what he’s involved in? With the torture warehouse?”
Nick doesn’t hesitate to cup her face, searching her eyes, allowing her to see all the truth in his. “I’ve had suspicions. When you called about the paid off witness, my suspicions became reality. But you know as well as I that he is untouchable.” He pulls her against his chest, wrapping her in his strong arms tight, meaning to give comfort-
Kara gasps in pain, flinching.
Nick lets her go immediately, looking haunted. Eyes, wide with dismay. “ What did he do to you ?”
Dieter . Pain slices her like a thousand thin papercuts.
“You’ve always known.” It’s hard to keep her voice from wavering. “You’ve known what he is. And you tried to warn me.” A crack in her tone, ugly and raw. Regret is a wound, oozing and seeping into her heart. “And I never listened to you. It’s all my fault, I did this to myself.”
“Don’t say that. You didn’t do this to yourself.” Those tropical, electric blue eyes sharpen on her face. He takes in her bloodshot eyes, the darkness lingering there. Inhaling long and slow, Nick exhales, looking away. “He finally played a bad hand. I never wanted you to be mixed up with him. Dieter never misses a chance to interfere with my life. I just hoped he wouldn’t…not to you. He plays games with everyone.”
She doesn’t intend to tell him about what happened. There’s no need. “You didn’t want me digging, because you were afraid Dieter was behind it.” He hadn’t been trying to screw her; he’d been trying to save her. Kara feels even worse.
His face is grim, bitter. “Things were lining up. And I already know there’s no way to get Paxton free of this. It’s too late. But nothing was worse than you telling me you’d figured something out…and then I couldn’t get a hold of you anymore. And I couldn’t be sure if you were just cutting me out of your life like you said you would…or if something happened.”
Stepping over to her again, he gently placed his hands on her arms, pulling her close. “Is this okay?”
“Be gentle,” Kara whispers as she presses her ear against his heart. “I’m injured.”
A growl rumbles in his chest.
“I’ve got bad luck when it comes to men,” Kara says bitterly. “I always resented you for making me enjoy things I felt I shouldn’t want…but Dieter? He takes the prize for terrible.”
“Do I even want to know?” Nick sounds bitter because the idea of her with Dieter probably stings. A fresh wound with salt still present.
“Absolutely not.” She can almost feel the ache of the cane slamming into her back repeatedly. Something cracks inside of her. The idea of being vulnerable in front of this man…it scares her even as it feels like something she needs to do. “He twisted me up inside. He made me feel things I didn’t want to feel for anyone. And he’s a monster .” Her voice cracks. Kara presses her face into his chest, wanting to hide from her shame. “I’m disgusted with myself. What does it say about me, that I could be with someone like that? ”
Silence falls over them. Nick slowly walks her over to her couch, helping her sit down gallantly. He’s always had those wonderful practiced manners, displaying them at the oddest of times. “May I sit by you?”
He’s asking her permission and that… makes her heart hurt worse. They’ve come such a long way from what they once were. Once upon a time, they didn’t meet up and talk. Once upon a time, Kara feared him and hated him. Once upon a time, there was only dark lust. Now, there’s understanding.
Kara nods her consent, feeling the warmth of his body as he sits down next to her. His thigh brushes hers, making her nerves tingle.
“It says nothing about you,” Nick tells her quietly as he strokes her hair. “People fall in love with monsters all the time. Sometimes, monsters can change. Sometimes, they can’t. It isn’t a reflection of you. I’m a monster-”
“You’re not a monster, Nick.” Kara tells him, holding one of his hands in hers. “You’ve done bad things. Bad things to others. Bad things to me . Things you shouldn’t have done, but you acknowledge that. You don’t want to be the boogeyman.”
Nick is looking at her furniture, probably judging its low value. Kara isn’t in the mood to feel self-conscious about the quality of her environment. He can probably see the dust on her end tables. Okay, that’s a bit embarrassing.
He flips over their entwined hands, looking at the lines of her palm. He traces them, tickling her skin, making her nerves tingle pleasantly. Nick’s voice is distant. “You always kept me at a distance, the way you never did with him. I was so jealous of how easily he could make you smile at him. I never could figure out how to fix that.”
Giving him a glower, Kara says, “Because you’re engaged . That's what needs fixing .”
“Except I’m not.”
That stray dog named hope raises its head in Kara’s chest. Wounded, but hopeful. “What do you mean? Is it true?”
“Claire and I.” He swallows thickly, preparing himself. “We broke off the engagement. I’m not engaged anymore, Kara. I wanted you more than I wanted whatever that farse of a marriage entailed. I thought about our last meeting. About what you said. How I shouldn’t allow my mother to keep owning my life.”
The words fall like heavy stones, crashing to the floor. Kara stares at him in shock, unsure if she’s still in reality. He did that for her? To be with her again? Gave up the family power, ruined his-
“What about your mother?” Kara whispers in horror. She hates that awful bitch and she’s never even met her. She never wants to meet Delphine Havenwood-Calais, because if she does, Kara is certain that she will do terrible things that will land her in jail.
He looks grim. “Displeased, as ever. I don’t live up to her standards as a son.”
“Why though?” Her eyes burn with unshed tears. “Why would you give that all up when I’ve been nothing but difficult and-”
Nick’s stony features are unreadable, but his eyes aren’t shadowed. “Being with Claire was never going to make me happy for reasons you understand very well. It took me time, but I realized that if this meant you and I couldn’t be together ever again, it wasn’t worth it. I told my mother I was done trying to be what she wanted. Done being a pawn on her chessboard. I’ve moved on with my life.”
Kara clutches both of his large hands, trembling with something that must be happiness. This can’t be real. This can’t be true. But it is, she sees it clear as day on his face. He chose Kara. “No. You’re moving forward . Freely.” She gives him a small smile. “I’m proud of you.”
A half-assed smirk shapes his mouth as he scoffs. “I’m glad someone is.”
Placing a hand on his arm, Kara nods in understanding. She knows what going against his mother means for him. Going against the person responsible for so much of his past suffering. “Sometimes it’s hard to pull away from one’s abuser.” She thinks of her father and blinks the image away. “Especially when we love them.”
Nick’s jaw clenches and unclenches visibly with emotion.
Speaking of dealing with one’s abuser-
“God, and now Gale won’t be dealing with my father’s legal issues.” Kara groans miserably, realizing this. “I’m going to have to deal with him. I’m going to have to face him again.”
“I can help you,” Nick tells her. “I’m quite the catch in the courtroom, you might have heard.”
Kara laughs, a part of her wanting to cry. She doesn’t know if she’s happy or sad. Or all of it, all at once. “I’ve heard you’re quite the slimeball in court. But that you dress sharp. Nice shoes and flashy ties. And the judges seem to swing your way. Unfairly, I might add.”
A sly grin shapes his mouth, chasing the sorrow away. “All I’m hearing are the complaints of someone who loses in court.”
“ You made me lose the Debra Mills case!”
“Semantics.”
They wrap themselves in a close embrace, soaking in the simple comfort of human contact. The sort that doesn’t hurt.
“Ask me to stay with you,” he breathes against her hair, sucking her into his lungs as if she’s the only air he’ll ever breathe. “Tonight. Every night. I’ll let you try to fix me. I’ll try.”
Kara inhales sharply, heart pounding. Is he saying what she thinks he’s saying? “Why would you want that though? You don’t…you never cared about committing and-”
“I never had someone I wanted to commit to,” Nick replies without shame. “But it’s important to you. And I want you, everything about you.”
“I’m still…I mean, look at me . Do I look like the sort of individual you want to be involved with?” Kara says bitterly. “I’m all sorts of messed up. I was involved with a freaking sociopath and I-” She can’t say the words. She can’t admit that a part of her nearly loved Dietrich Bittinger.
Nick gives her a tight, pained smile, nodding his understanding.
"You accept me for the shit I am and you aren't afraid. And you aren't afraid of wanting to help me . No one has ever wanted that for me." There’s a certain tightness around his eyes and Kara knows he’s thinking of his mother, the power-hungry woman that she wishes she could make disappear.
Kara wishes she could make his dark past never be, wish away all his deep-seated trauma, but she can’t. The same way as she can’t wish hers away. But together, maybe they can find ways to heal and cope. Maybe, there’s a way for them to make something better from their shared horrors.
Perhaps there’s hope for them after all.
“Say something.” His voice is subtly a plead.
Carefully, she curls herself wordlessly into his side. Melding them together, so that their bodies share heat. The world outside vanishes, leaving just two people embracing in comfortable silence within the safety of her apartment.
“Stay with me. Tonight.” Her voice is soft, hiding the excitement within her heart. He wants to be hers.
“Just tonight?” He presses, being a hint of an arrogant shit.
“Every night,” Kara replies. “Except the nights I’m sick of you and your ridiculous arrogance.”
He throws his head back and laughs, the sound genuine and beautiful to her ears. He enfolds her in his strong, familiar embrace, his lips brush her ear and he whispers, “I’m sorry he hurt you, sweetpea. If I can, I’ll make sure he won’t again.”
Somehow, those are the most perfect words he’s ever spoken to her.