Chapter 13 Deuce
ONE MONTH LATER
I had finished a twelve-hour shift, and I would be off for the next three days.
Waverleigh had taken Sevyn back and forth to her therapy appointments the last couple of days, but I was picking her up as a surprise today.
We hadn’t seen much of each other, since she had been asleep every night when I got in.
I took my usual seat at the far corner of the room, just out of sight so that I would not be a distraction to her. The minute that I sat down, I saw her fall. She had been working on walking without the aid of a cane.
I did something that I seldom did; I rushed to her assistance. I wasn’t sure if it was because I had missed her so desperately or what. Both Derek and I always encouraged her to remain strong and not rely on self-pity whenever she failed at something, but to press through it to achieve her goal.
At the moment, I didn’t give a shit about any of that. I just wanted to be by her side.
“Hey, it’s all good,” I declared, lowering beside her to help her up.
She looked more mortified when she noticed that I was there than she had been before. I immediately regretted my decision to race to her side, but I didn’t back down.
“I feel like such a failure sometimes. I feel like I’ll never be able to do anything on my own again,” she whimpered.
After I had her standing, I gripped her chin and stared into her eyes.
“You can’t think like that, and you should quit saying stuff like that.
You’re strong, smart, and independent, but your resolve has been weakened by life’s challenges.
I see the fire in your eyes, and I know that strength and determination lives inside of you. Tap into it and uncover it. Okay?”
“You’re right, Deuce.”
I walked away and watched as she continued the remainder of her exercise. I had stopped by Off The Bone, a popular barbeque shack, for our dinner. I didn’t want her to have to worry about waiting for me to cook or reheating anything.
We took turns cooking. It usually took her a lot longer than me because she had to use the cane to navigate around the kitchen.
But she would start earlier in the morning.
When she had first started cooking, I told her that she didn’t have to worry about it.
I would cook because I had to eat one way or another, but she insisted that she wanted to do her part, so I let her.
I drove us back to my place after her therapy appointment concluded. She was mostly quiet on the ride home, and I was lost in my own thoughts as I had been all day. At some point, she turned on the music and bobbed her head softly to a Jovi Noelle soundtrack.
“Aren’t you going to eat?” she asked, after we arrived back at my house and I had laid the food out for her.
“I will. I’m not hungry right now, so I’ll just take a shower and then eat.”
“Okay. You want me to wait for you?”
“No. You’re good.”
I headed into my room and closed the door behind me. I fell onto my back and pressed my fists against my closed eyes. If I could press all the thoughts, memories, and pain away with that simple action, I would. But I couldn’t, so instead, I remained on my back resting for as long as possible.
Eventually, I stripped out of my clothes and put my gun, badge, and all my equipment away before I padded into the bathroom to shower. My home had a roommate layout, with the master bedroom on one side of the house and the other two bedrooms and two bathrooms on the opposite side.
The living room, dining room, and half bathroom sat in the middle of the space. That was one reason I hadn’t minded bringing Sevyn back to my place when she lost hers. I knew that there was enough space for us to peacefully coexist without getting in one another’s way.
I had planned to sell my home and find something that was more suitable for Lena and me. I had wanted her input on the house that we bought because I wanted her to be happy.
Knowing that she was carrying my child made me certain that our house wasn’t perfect for us.
As much as I loved my home, I knew that I wouldn’t be okay with having our baby, or a small child as they grew older, on the opposite side of the house.
It made it difficult to protect them or know what was going on with them.
Unfortunately, Paul had made sure that I wouldn’t get that opportunity. He stole from me what he couldn’t build with Lena.
It wasn’t fair. It was so damn unfair. The thought of that stung my eyes and pierced my heart. I tried to push the thoughts and emotions of my loss to the back like I had done so many times before.
But today, they weren’t having it. Lena and my child were having their say in my life as they rose up to demand their rightful place. They wanted my heart ripped and bore open to grieve them properly.
I was gutted and opened wide for the world to see. My pain was so raw and naked that it felt like I had just lost them. There was nothing that said this grief was a little over five months old. It felt every bit as raw as if I had lost them today.
Sobs racked my chest and choked me up so thoroughly that I felt like I was fighting an unseen entity.
I pressed my forearm against the shower tile and rested my head against it.
The water poured over my head, across my shoulders, and down my back as I cried viciously.
It was impossible for me to find peace and strength in the midst of my grief.
I had busied myself with Sevyn so much over the last four months there hadn’t been enough room or time for me to grieve. Despite the rawness of my pain, I tried my best to stifle my cries so that I wouldn’t alert or alarm Sevyn.
But as the pain gripped me in its throes and wouldn’t let go, I beat my fist against the tile wall, pleading for mercy. It was elusive, and I felt the moment would go on forever. There was no way that I could be complete or healed. I would always carry the brokenness, the emptiness around with me.
I felt the energy around me shift more than I heard or saw anything. Slowly, I lifted my head and found Sevyn standing there watching me. Empathy filled her eyes.
I noticed that she had changed out of the clothing that she wore earlier. She was comfortable in a tank top and leggings.
“Sevyn.” I choked out her name, my voice thick and filled with pain. My brother and I had been taught that boys and men didn’t cry, and if they must, it should be done in secret. Well, my secret was out, and I wasn’t ashamed.
She limped to the shower. I didn’t bother to stop her when she stepped inside, still fully clothed, and wrapped her arms around my waist. She hugged me tightly, and she felt so perfect in my arms.
I inhaled her sweet aroma of lavender and vanilla. I angled my head and rested my cheek on the top of her head as I hugged her. She rubbed my back gently and absorbed my pain, giving me the strength that had previously been elusive to me.
I gave into the moment and let the tears continue falling. I didn’t bother to hold them back, but I no longer sobbed. My pain and grief were silent as I stood there in the shower with Sevyn, the steam rising around us and enveloping us in a very personal and intimate moment.
I knew that what I was feeling was wrong, but there was no way that I could hide my erection from her. It hung heavily between us like a live being, pressed against her leg, hanging down my thigh.
“Deuce, whatever is haunting you, you have to let it go. I don’t know what it is, but I know that we were built to overcome hurt and pain.
Whatever it is that has you wrapped so firmly in its grip wasn’t meant to destroy you.
It may cause you to buckle, but I swear that it won’t destroy you.
It came to build you stronger. I promise that despite what you’re feeling in this moment, you’re going to be okay.
“You have a beautiful heart. You are a protector, and you are my guardian angel sent from Heaven. I know there are blessings waiting around the corner for you.”
Fuck! I knew that her words were meant to be encouraging, but they only drove the knife even deeper into my heart because she had no idea of the weight that I was buckling under.
She didn’t know my grief, and she could not know the burden of guilt that was strapped to my back making sure that I didn’t rise again.
But for her sake, I reached deep inside and soaked it up. This wasn’t the moment for revelations though.
“I know,” I replied softly, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.
She tilted her head back and stared into my eyes. Sevyn reached up and slowly dragged her hands over my beard. She never broke my gaze as she whispered, “It’s just as soft as I imagined.”
“You imagined me?” I asked in a deep, husky voice.
“Every time I look at you, and every night that I dream of you.”
“I never could have imagined you, beautiful,” I replied.
I didn’t stop her when she tipped up on her toes and pressed her lips against mine. I should have felt even more guilt over my actions, but I didn’t.
I took what she gave, greedily kissing her in return, until she buckled in my arms. She opened her mouth at my pressure and allowed me to consume her warm, sweet mouth. I could tell that she had eaten because her mouth was tangy and sweet like the barbeque sauce that I ordered.
My hands reached down and gripped her soft, plump ass cheeks, and she pressed up into me, pushing off her toes. I used that as the leverage that I needed to boost her up into my arms.
Sevyn wrapped her legs tightly around my hips, and I could feel the heat from her core pressed against my stomach muscles. I grew harder, needier, and even more desperate as she moaned into the kiss.
But slowly, memories of Lena and my unborn child infiltrated my memory. Images of Sevyn crying into the shirt that belonged to her husband in their former bedroom clouded my mind, pushing out the desire and sexual tension I felt.
I knew that as much as I didn’t want to, I had to let her go.
I wanted to bend her over and take her raw in this shower with her screaming my name and begging me not to stop.
The thought of her bent over gripping her ankles while I rammed into her had my erection growing harder like steel as she jumped at the feeling of it beneath her.
When her eyes fluttered open with my tongue down her throat, that was all the reminder that I needed to back up. I released my mouth’s grip on her, and I slowly released her from my arms.
“I’m sorry, Sevyn.” I apologized as my chest heaved up and down, and I wished that my erection would subside as well.
“No. It wasn’t you. I was the one who came and invaded your shower and took advantage of you.”
I sloped my head to the right and stared at her in disbelief. “You didn’t hardly take advantage of me.”
“It could be done, you know. I might only be five-four to your what?”
“Six-one,” I replied.
“Right,” she stated, bobbing her head. “But it doesn’t mean that I cannot take advantage of you. Women do, you know.”
“I know they do, but this ain’t that,” I replied, pointing between us.
She bit her bottom lip and apologized. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” I replied, brushing my lips against hers softly before I pulled back.
She was dripping from head to toe in water from my shower. I didn’t regret it though. Not at the moment anyway.
“Get your little hot ass out of here before you make me break every vow that I’ve made to myself and that badge in there.”
She giggled, stumbled out of the shower, and made her way to the bathroom door. I noticed something though. She didn’t have her cane with her like she usually did.
“You’re going to be sick if you don’t get out of those wet clothes,” I scolded when she hesitated on her way out the door to look back at me.
She backed the rest of the way out and closed the door behind herself. I resumed the position I had earlier when she found me. With my head resting on my forearm and my forearm pressed against the shower wall, I recalled different memories.
These were memories of Sevyn wrapped around me only moments before.
Memories of how her small breasts felt pressed against my chest as her nipples grew hard and poked through the soft fabric of the cotton tank top.
Memories of how hot her pussy felt pressed against me, and how she softly grinded into me as we kissed.
I wrapped my hand around my thick, aching dick and closed my eyes. Slowly, I pulled my hand down the length as those tortured thoughts gripped hold of me and turned my pain into pleasure.
My balls tightened as I imagined my dick pressed into her soft heat instead of against her thigh.
My pelvis rocked forward, imagining rocking into her like that.
The more I thought about her, the more I jerked off until I felt my release overtake my brain.
I could no longer conjure a simple thought.
All I could do was exist in the moment and allow a river of cum to pour forth from the head of my dick and seep down the drain.
And only when I had finished releasing my nut did I allow the guilt of that action to take hold of me.
I was fucked. I was falling for that girl, and there was no going back.