17. Theresa
The full moon rested near the horizon by the time Theresa pulled into the parking lot at her apartment building and walked up the staircase to her floor.
A heap of clothing blocked her threshold. As she got closer, she realized that the pile of clothing was actually a person sleeping in the hallway.
Derek.
He stirred as she tried to reach over him to unlock her door.
“Theresa?”
“Go home, Derek.”
“What time is it?” He straightened himself and looked at his watch, his eyes opening wide. “Five a.m.? It”s five in the morning? Are you seriously just getting home now? Where have you been all night?” His words were harsh, scolding her.
“Sorry, ”Dad,” I didn”t know I had a curfew.” She pushed past him and unlocked her door. “You can go home now.”
He reached out his hand to stop her from closing the door. “Where have you been all night?”
“Out.”
“I was worried about you.”
“That”s not my fault.”
Something sparked in his eyes, and he pushed her door open, walking past her into her living room. “Sit.” There was a demanding tone in his voice that she hadn”t heard before.
She closed the front door to her apartment and kicked off her shoes, throwing her purse on the small table next to her door. She walked past the doorway to her living room, glaring at him, and then continued into her bedroom. Five minutes later, she walked out again wearing a clean t-shirt and sweatpants.
“Why are you here?”
“Something happened to you last night, and I want to know what. I”m worried about you.”
That wasn”t what she expected him to say. She ignored the rush of guilt that washed over her, realizing that he slept on her doorstep because he was worried.
People didn”t worry about her. Why should he?
“I”m fine.” She sat on the couch and studied the pattern on one of her throw pillows.
He got up from her reading chair and sat next to her on the couch, his leg nearly touching hers. “You say that all the time. Why don”t you just admit when something”s bothering you?”
“Because nothing is bothering me,” she muttered, hoping he”d believe her. Hoping she”d believe herself.
“You”re lying.”
“I don”t lie.”
“You always tap your finger when you”re trying to hide something.”
She curled her hands into fists. Did she really do that? Why would he notice?
“You can”t do this.” She spoke without looking at him.
“Do what?”
“This.” She shifted and raised her eyes to look at him. He needed to see she was serious. “You can”t act like you care about me and want to be my friend or something and then ignore me for a month.”
It was his turn to shift uncomfortably on the couch. “I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
“Then leave me alone. Go back to your apartment, take your girlfriend out on a date, and live your happily-ever-after.”
He let out a loud puff of breath like he”d been holding it for too long. “I needed some time to think.”
“I told you things that I never told anyone before. I”ve never shown anyone my yearbook. I thought I could trust you, but that was my mistake. I don”t even know why I told you. But I messed up and told you, and now I regret that. Why did you show up at the soup kitchen? That”s my place. My place! Everyone else hates me. People at work hate me, they don”t care if I”m alive or hurt. The soup kitchen is the only place I have where people are happy to see me. They actually care about me, and you ruined it by going there!” She plastered her hands to her face, covering the tears that had started spilling out. “Why did you have to go there?”
“Because I couldn”t do nothing.” His voice was rough, raw. “I couldn”t hear what you said and forget it. I like you, and I can”t stop it even though I should. You”re always on my mind, like a puzzle I can’t figure out but need to. The more I learn about you, the more I want to know. And that’s not good because I can’t drag you into the mess between Mel and me. But you push people away, and I wanted to know why. So I went to the soup kitchen to volunteer and see what you see there. I didn”t know you”d be back tonight, or I wouldn”t have gone.”
Theresa tried to push his words out of her mind. He said he liked her. He could only mean that as a friend. And she didn”t do friends. “I don”t want you in my life.”
“That”s exactly what I”m talking about.” He stood up and started pacing. “Why do you have to push everyone away? I know you had a rough time. You told me about your sister and mother. But you”re still pushing everyone away. And I want to know why. Because from what I can tell, the real Theresa, the version of you that you”re hiding so deep down, is someone special. The volunteers at the soup kitchen wouldn’t stop talking about how great you are. Over half the people who came for food asked about you specifically, by name. They love you there. You have friends. You just don”t realize it. You”d have even more friends if you trusted people.”
“You ignored me for the past month!”
He looked like she had punctured his heart with those words. His shoulders sagged and he stopped pacing. After a second, he sat back down on the couch, burying his face in his hands for a moment before looking back at her.
“I don”t know what to do. Mel has been my future for years, and I never allowed myself to want anything more. Until now. I swore I”d never cheat on her, emotionally or physically. But I was scared that I”d cross that line if I didn”t figure things out on my own first.”
Theresa sank back, wanting to disappear into the couch cushions. “You”re playing a joke on me.”
His face fell. “What?”
“You can”t possibly be serious. I don”t know what you”re trying to do, but you can”t possibly be telling me that you like me. People don”t like me. You can”t like me.” She started to shake. “I”m not a good person.”
“But you are. You just don”t see that about yourself. I see it.”
“What about Mel?” Theresa whispered.
“There hasn”t been anything there between us for months. Years, even. We both know it, but there”s never been a good reason to admit it. Until now.”
Her run-in with Mel yesterday morning popped into her head. She looked so in love when she talked about Derek, and why else would she want birth control if they weren”t getting intimate together?
“What”s your angle? What”s your game here, Derek?”
“What do you mean?”
“This. You. Everything.” Her thoughts were getting muddled, and it was hard to make sense of anything. Probably because she”d been up for nearly twenty-four hours, and because nothing he said made sense.
“I didn”t mean to tell you about my sister in the hospital. I didn”t mean to need your help for anything. It was better when I hated you. Why did you have to be nice to me? You aren”t part of the plan. Everything was ok before. I had no problem dating men who only wanted a trophy wife, men who were rich and would have more than enough money to support my mom and sister, if I ever even found them. But you—” she pointed her finger at him and took another deep breath “—You”re messing up everything. I don”t know how I ever trusted you, but I did. I told you more things than I”ve told anyone. I even showed you proof of how everyone in my life left me. And then you disappear, even though you live right next door, and show up at the only place that means anything to me, and now . . . now!”
She inhaled deeply and forced herself to look him in the eye for the last part. “Now you tell me that you like me, but I’m not falling for it. I don”t know why you want to hurt me. You think it”s fun to mess with my feelings, act like you like me when no one likes me, and then go home to your girlfriend and laugh about how you messed with my emotions!”
She took a breath to say more, but Derek interrupted her. “That”s not true! I”m not playing any games here. I”m just confused. I”m trying to figure out why you keep insisting that people don’t like you. I lost count of how many people at the soup kitchen like you. I like you too, even though I realize that you don’t feel the same way.”
“I never said I didn”t like you.”
“You blocked my phone number and changed the lock to your apartment.”
“You kept coming in here!”
“Because I wanted to help you! That”s what nice people do.”
“So you were just being nice. You admitted it. You were only helping me because you felt bad for me.”
“Does it matter? Why else would I have kept checking in on you? At first, I only helped because you needed it, but it turned into something more.”
“You don”t know me at all. There”s no way you could possibly like me.”
“I know enough about you to know that I like you.”
“Don”t lie to me, Derek.”
“I swear, I”m not lying to you.”
Theresa studied his face. He was convincing. That much was sure. But she”d just seen his girlfriend, and she asked for birth control pills. She definitely didn”t need them for cramps or hormonal problems. She had something else on her mind when she smiled and asked for the pills. Derek.
But she couldn”t confront him about that. Even exhausted, patient confidentiality laws stopped her from telling him about Mel. She could lose her nursing license if she mentioned meeting her.
“You need to leave. Whatever feelings I have for you are pointless. I need a rich man, someone who can take care of my twin and my mother. Someone who is so rich that no one will think twice about ignoring me. Or looking down on me.” She tried to sound convincing, like she believed the words she was saying, but her voice cracked. She covered her face with her hands so he wouldn”t see the lie in her eyes.
“You”re already everything you need to be. You don”t need a man to take care of you. Look around.” He waved his hand to gesture to the apartment. “You”ve built your life. You are taking care of yourself. You don”t need anyone to do that for you. You”re probably the strongest woman I know. And that”s what makes me want you so much.”
“I can”t do this.”
“Yes, you can.”
“Go home and call Mel. Your girlfriend.”
He reacted to her words like someone had poured a bucket of ice water over his head. She pushed away the part of her that hurt from his reaction.
“That”s not what I want.”
“It”s what I want.”
He hesitated for a moment, then rose from the couch slowly, as if the couch was trying to pull him back down and keep him in the room. “I”m sorry I showed up at the soup kitchen tonight. I won”t volunteer there anymore. I didn”t mean to invade your space.”
Theresa sniffed, trying to keep any more tears from escaping. She said nothing as he walked to the door, watching him leave from the corner of her eye.
Why did she feel worse watching him leave when it was the right thing to do? And why didn’t he mention Mel’s return, that they were back together and happy?
And why did she ever allow herself to dream that someone like him might actually be capable of wanting someone like her?