20. Theresa
“Good morning.” Theresa focused on smiling at the surprised nurse in the break room. “Did you have a good weekend?”
The nurse, a recent graduate, smiled slightly and nodded before stepping out of the room without saying anything.
The next person she greeted acted in the same way, like Theresa was the one being weird.
By afternoon, she overheard one nurse ask one of the front desk women about her, joking that the ‘ice queen’ could smile. Emily suggested that she bring in donuts for the office staff the next day instead of giving up.
The donuts earned a few genuine smiles and many suspicious glances.
One nurse gave her a genuine smile when she offered to go on a coffee run before the staff meeting on Thursday. It felt awkward, but also nice, to be friendly with her coworkers.
By Friday, one of the nurses said good morning to her and looked like she meant it. The woman at the front desk showed her a picture of her new granddaughter. And, for the first time in a long time, she sat and chatted with a coworker during a mid-morning break instead of sitting alone.
It felt weird. But Emily said that it would start to feel normal one day. Maybe she”d been alone for so long that she forgot what it felt like to be welcomed or belong. Not that she felt like she belonged yet, and she still wasn”t sure her coworkers would care if something bad happened to her again, but it was a small step in that direction.
A small and exhausting step.
By the time she left work late Friday afternoon, a shower and take-out delivery of Chinese food sounded perfect. She’d barely finished putting on an oversized t-shirt and sweatpants when someone knocked on her apartment door.
“Hey, Derek.” She answered the door, regretting her choice in clothing immediately. “I’m kinda busy.”
He held up a bag of take-out food. “Someone left this in front of your door. Didn’t want it to get cold.”
“Oh, thanks.” She took the bag and peeked inside, the smell making her stomach growl. “Um, I ordered too much. Want to join me?”
“You just said you were busy.”
Shoot. She’d only said that because she wanted to look cute and hadn’t had a chance to comb out her hair yet. “Can you come back in ten minutes?”
“Sure.”
She closed the door before he could ask anything else and raced to her phone.
Emily answered on the second ring.
“I need help,” Theresa said, skipping all the small talk.
“What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”
“I like a guy.”
“Oh?” Emily’s voice raised up.
“And he’s coming over in ten minutes to eat with me.”
“Tell me everything! What’s his name? Is he cute?”
“It’s Derek.”
“Your neighbor?”
“Yes.”
Emily let out a loud squeal. “He’s so cute, and nice. I guess that means everything ended with his old girlfriend? Megan?”
“Mel. And yes. They broke up. And he likes me. I think I like him too.”
“So what’s the problem? Why do you need help?”
“I have no idea how to make a guy like me!”
Emily let out a loud sigh on the other end of the phone. “I find that hard to believe. You go on more dates than anyone I know.”
“It’s true. But I’ve never had a boyfriend, not one I liked. I have no idea what to do.”
“Just be nice. Talk with him. Loosen up and have a good time. Ask him about himself and learn about him. And then answer his questions honestly. Let him get to know you.”
“What if he changes his mind? What if he stops liking me?”
“Then you do what everyone else does after a breakup. Watch too many movies, eat too much ice cream, and eventually move on.”
“You make it sound easy.”
“Give it a try, Theresa. He already likes you. Just be yourself.”
“But you told me to be nice. Which is it? Do I need to be nice, or do I need to be myself?”
“Both, Theresa. You are a nice person. Just let that side of you show.”
It was Theresa’s turn to sigh now. “People don’t like me, Emily.”
“He does.”
“I don’t know why.”
A knock sounded on her door again.
“He’s here, Em, I have to go.”
“Relax, Theresa. Have fun. This is a good thing.”
“Right.” Theresa hung up without saying goodbye, and opened the door again. “Come on in.”
He stepped through, carrying a six-pack. “Brought some drinks to share.”
She wrinkled her nose and then stopped, twisting her mouth into a forced smile instead. “Thanks.” But her voice came out oddly high-pitched.
“My brother told me about this brand. Non-alcoholic fruit seltzers.” He held up the cans, pointing to the label.
“Oh, thanks,” she repeated, this time with genuine emotion. “Those look good.”
“I know you don’t drink, so I thought you might like these.”
She stepped past him into the kitchen to grab some plates and serving utensils for the Chinese food. “I don’t know why I ordered so much. I guess I was really hungry.” The plan seemed so much better when she drove home from work. After getting the food, she’d knock on his door and say that the restaurant made a mistake and gave her someone else’s order, which would explain why she had so much food. But he messed up the plan by finding the food outside her door, and now she looked like a woman who ordered far too much food to eat alone on a Friday night.
“Thanks for sharing.” He cleared his throat before continuing, focusing on piling food on his plate while he spoke. “I’m glad I ran into you tonight, actually. I wanted to ask you something.”
She opened up a can of the seltzer and handed it to him before getting one for herself. “Yeah?”
“Do you want to go out on a date? With me? There’s a thing, for my work, on Monday night.” He sounded nervous, like her response actually meant something to him.
“Derek, I . . . um, that’s nice of you to ask,” she said hesitantly, “but . . .” What could she say, in a nice way? “Um, I think I hear something in my bedroom. I’ll be right back.”
She rushed to her bedroom before he could stop her and grabbed her phone. Emily didn’t answer.
Shoot. Now what? Was she supposed to agree to a date with him? Why couldn’t he be like one of the men from the dating sites, strangers she didn’t care about? If she did go on a date with him, and he changed his mind about liking her, then what? And he would change his mind, because she was unlikeable.
She returned to the kitchen and sat at the table opposite Derek. “Sorry about that.”
“Everything ok?”
She nodded, taking a sip of the bubbly seltzer. “I, um . . .”
“Look, about the date. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot, and I just thought that maybe we’d have a good time. That’s it.”
“I don’t think?—“
“Just one date. Two people sitting down to eat a meal together. Like we are doing now. Except next time, I’ll pay.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Shoot, you already have a date, don’t you?” His face fell, but he recovered quickly.
“No, I don’t. I’m not dating anyone right now.”
“Then you’ll go out with me?”
She took a deep breath and tried to think about what Emily would tell her to do. Let her walls down, be honest. “I don’t know how.”
“Don’t know how to what?”
“I don’t know how to date. I’m horrible at dating.” She covered her face with her hands, regretting taking Emily’s advice.
“What do you mean?”
She shook her head, still covering her face. “I’m not girlfriend material, Derek. People don’t like me, at least not after they get to know me.” Better that he realized now that she was not worth dating, and he’d be better off with a different girlfriend. They could pretend they didn’t see each other when they passed in the hallway, and eventually, one of them would move out of the building.
“Alright. Forget the date. I take back the invitation. We can still hang out, though. I owe you dinner anyway, so I’ll order the food, and we can eat at my apartment, or yours. Maybe stream a movie after we eat.”
Theresa shook her head. He didn’t understand.
“Or we can volunteer at the soup kitchen. Together. I bet we can convince Cherie that we can serve food without starting another fight. Or, I can be your personal driver again and take you to all the dangerous streets of the city, as long as you promise not to break your ankle again.”
She lifted her gaze to meet his, peeking at him through her fingers. “Are you serious?”
“Whatever you want. I don’t care what we do. I‘m done trying to fight my feelings, done trying to pretend that something doesn’t exist between us.” He leaned in closer, touching her hands gently and moving them off her face. “I like you, Theresa. And you like me. Admit it.”
“I— I?—“
“I get that people in your past have hurt you. I understand that it’s hard to earn your trust. But I also wish you could see yourself the way I see you. Someone who’s incredibly strong, generous, and passionate.”
Her eyes started to sting as he spoke. Why was he being so nice? And why did she feel so exposed?
“Give me a chance. I can’t stop thinking about you, and I won’t stop asking you for that date.”
“What about after that date? When someone better comes along?” Her nose tingled, the way it did when she tried to hold back tears—it was probably turning red. She hated that about herself. Her nose always turned red before she cried.
“There won’t be someone better.”
“You don’t know that.”
He studied her face for a moment before responding. “I will treat you with respect, no matter what. If things don’t work out between us, I’ll be honest and kind. I will never call you names and never turn my back on you, never yell at you. And if you decide that I’m not good enough for you, or that you want someone different, I’ll respect your decision. But give it a chance.”
Everything he said made her want to trust him. Believe him. He looked at her in a way no other man had before, like he actually cared about her. Not because of her looks or her age, not because he wanted a girlfriend he could show off to any rich buddies. Her hair was combed but still damp, not curled or styled. And what man asked out a woman wearing sweatpants and a faded shirt that didn’t show off a single feature?
He knew more about her than most people, possibly even more than Emily, and he hadn’t run away yet. He’d seen her at her worst; she’d called the police on him and stole his stereo. But for some reason, he stuck around. He drove her around for hours, not prying into her actions but patiently taking her from one place to another. When she fell and broke her ankle, he was the first person she thought of to call for help. And he kept helping, day after day, until she made it impossible for him to help anymore. Yet, he didn’t stop showing up.
He made her feel things too. After years of pushing everyone away, she didn’t want to anymore. Being around him made her realize that she had missed out on life. He made her feel more than she’d felt in years, and for the first time, she didn’t want to be lonely anymore. She wanted to trust him. She wanted him more than she wanted to prevent getting hurt.
“Ok,” she whispered, looking into his eyes even though it scared her. “Yes.”
The corners of his mouth turned up into a grin that reached his eyes. “Can I kiss you now?”
She lowered her gaze to his lips, nodding enough for him to see. He wrapped one arm around her waist, resting his hand on her lower back. He cupped her cheek with the other hand, tilting her face slightly as his lips found hers.
Her last kiss was in high school before her sister’s problems and she worried that she would do it wrong. But as their lips met, she knew if she did it wrong, it would be ok. It felt right. She felt herself relax the tiniest bit, enjoying his luscious lips. The kiss lasted only a moment but left her out of breath. He pulled away too soon, resting his forehead against hers.
No one had ever kissed her that way. Like he wanted her, and only her.
Without letting herself think, without letting the fear and insecurities seep in again, Theresa wrapped her hands around the back of his head, his hair thick and softer than she’d imagined. He groaned and smiled, giving her all the encouragement she needed.
She pressed her lips against his, claiming him with another kiss. He responded immediately, deepening the kiss until every fiber in her body wanted him. His lips confirmed everything he’d said. He saw her, understood her, knew her, and despite that, he still wanted her.
This was real. Whether she deserved it or not, and whether it would last or not, she’d found someone who made her feel things she thought she’d never experience again.
She felt wanted.