Chapter 8
Lennie
Ican’t decide if I like the photograph better as an oil painting, or as a portrait, like most of the others.
Like the one that Levi purchased from me.
It came out perfectly. The way I figured it would.
The whole batch of them, that is. Secretly, I develop the ones that I took of Levi and me.
In another lifetime, under different circumstances, we would make the perfect couple.
His blonde, soft features, complementing mine.
His large, burly body, juxtaposed behind my petite frame.
But it's not just that. It's the way he looks when he's in front of the lens with me.
Well, maybe it's not just with me, maybe he's just incredibly photogenic.
I'll never know unless I see him in other photographs.
So, I hop on social media, in hopes that he's got a profile somewhere.
He does.
There are tons of pictures that he's posted of horses and nature.
Some of them are even portrait worthy. He's listed the ranch as his place of employment, so I know that he must be on social media regularly.
There aren't any pictures of him except for one of him holding a fish in the air, one evidently that he just caught.
Even digging back years, it's just random pictures here and there of him with various horses and nature.
It says a lot about him. After giving up on Facebook, I head over to Instagram.
There is still nothing there but repeats of some of the photographs from Facebook.
But, then I find something interesting. It seems that Levi has more than one social media account.
The first one I found was just using his first and last name.
But the second one I find, he's listed himself on Facebook as 'The Jeans Guy', giving a nod to his name.
That's where I find it. He's been tagged in a photo with a girl by the name of Shelly Givens.
She's taken a selfie of the two of them, in what appears to be a backdrop of a backyard, and he's not even looking at the camera.
It's almost like she took it without his knowledge.
She does not look like his type. For starters, she's at least a decade older than him, if I were to guess, and she looks kind of rough around the edges.
She's blonde but not a natural one, and her haircut looks homespun.
The wrinkles at the edges of her eyes aren't from smiling happily, as the shot shows her with a blank face, and a fake smile.
Like she's one of them types that puts on a show for social media.
One of them annoying ones that makes like her life is so goddamn perfect.
Levi looks lost. I'm guessing that this is before she got pregnant, or before they knew, anyway.
I find myself staring at the photo and wanting so badly to post the picture of us on my social media page.
If I'm evil, I'd do it, and I'd tag him, too.
But I won't. Jealousy does not suit me well.
My gaze goes from one screen to the next, comparing the photographs, mentally patting myself on the back, even though I know that he's not mine.
But I can pretend. That's all I've ever known.
That's probably all I ever will know, and I'm okay with that.
I've been blessed with so much more in my life, that whether or not I find someone to love for real, is irrelevant.
And just as I'm about to do something stupid, and actually post something on my private Facebook page about a new friend, my phone vibrates in my pocket.
I see that it's Trisha and she's at the door, even though I closed hours ago.
She sure knows where to find me. If I'm not home, where else would I be? I let her inside. "What are you up to?"
It's always her first line.
"I was just working on some pictures I took earlier. It's so late. Why aren't you home in bed?"
She shrugs. "You know me."
Trisha is a night owl. But it infuriates me, because she can function on like three hours of sleep, whereas I'm a zombie with less than seven.
Tomorrow, I open late and stay open late, so I can get away with it.
She sees the picture of me and Levi still up on the screen.
Her face says it all. Eyes bright, hands on cheeks, mouth wide open.
"Oh my God! Are you two dating? This is so exciting! "
"No, we're not dating, and it's never going to happen, either, so stop getting your hopes up."
"What? Why?" She sits down on the guest chair and turns my laptop to face her, so that she can get a better look at the photograph of Levi standing behind me, smiling into the camera lens.
"Because he's with someone else."
"So? People break up."
"And she's pregnant."
Her eyes widen. "With his child?"
"No, Trisha, with Elton John's love child. What do you think."
"Alright, alright. No need to get testy." She mutters, dipping her head down. "So, if he's with someone else, then why is he taking these cozy little shots with you?"
I shrug. "I don't know. We were out taking pictures of this," I click over to the batch of photographs I took digitally, "And I took a couple of test shots. That's what we ended up with."
"He is a mighty fine specimen, if I do say so myself."
"He's not a piece of meat, Trisha."
"Well, of course, he's not. But he sure makes a great cowboy."
"He's also studying to be an architect."
"Ah, so he's got a brain under that hat, does he." She licks her lips. "I bet you he's also got one nice package in his shorts, too. I stole a peek when I was at your place and he dropped you off."
I snort a laugh and slap her playfully.
"Yes, you know, don't you." She growls. I can tell that she's growling because when she does the veins in her neck protrude.
"Stop!" I giggle.
"Oh, man, but it's too bad about the baby thing, though." She shakes her head. "Unless, maybe he doesn't want to stay with her?"
"Which is irrelevant, since he'll still be committed to her, and she looks like she won't take no for an answer."
Her eyes widen. "You've met her?"
"No, but I did check her out on social media. Some Shelly Givens. Hard looking."
She gestures feverishly with her hands. "Show me! Show me!"
I love this girl. She even learned sign language so that we could talk about people at events.
I also taught her how to read lips, and she sometimes corrects me when I start falling out of my speech patterns, and I start to sound like a deaf person again.
We went to this snooty family gathering on her side one year for Christmas, and stood in the sidelines, signing to each other how fat this person got and how stupid this one is, and so on.
Trisha's the best. Nobody suspected a thing, since all her family knows that I'm hearing impaired. They didn't bat an eyelash.
"Oh, what a tart! Look at her!" She comments. "And he knocked her up? What does he see in her?"
"I don't know. But she may be different than she looks. Looks can sometimes be deceiving, don't you know."
Trisha places a hand on mine. "You are like a million times prettier than she is. And the fact that his smile is so warm and wide in that picture with you just tells you that he's over her."
"I'm not competing, Trisha. How can I?" My question is rhetorical.
"Well, how do you know that he's going to stay with her? I mean, look at that mug on him in that photograph?"
"You're basing his happiness on the fact that he's going to be a daddy with this woman on one picture that he likely didn't know was being taken?"
“I know. You’re right.” By her tone she’s fishing. “I want to meet her. Let’s go stake her place out or something.”
“First, neither of us knows where she lives, and second, you can come to the Copper Cove Hoedown next weekend and see her there. At least that way there won’t be a restraining order after.”
“She’s going to be there?”
“Everyone is going to be there. And anyone that knows anyone that will be there is going, too. You know how it works.”
“I do, But she’s from Dallas.”
I shrug. “That’s what Levi said. That she’s coming.”
“Did he say whether or not he was going to share the fact that he was hanging around with you tonight? Taking cozy pictures with you?”
“We’re just friends, Trisha. And that’s all we can be. Like I said.”
She doesn’t say anything for a beat. “Man, this bites. The first good fit you’ve had with a guy and he’s not on the damn market. Why couldn’t he be stupid or ugly.”
“Because I can’t have everything, that’s why, Trish. Look, I’ve got a fantastic career, more money than I need, a supportive family, and great health. Why should I also get to have the man of my dreams?”
She gives me a look. “Are y’all saying that you don’t deserve it?”
We’ve been through this before. “You know that’s not what I mean. It just means that I can’t have it all.”
“But you’re deaf, Lennie. You already don’t have everything.”
She doesn’t mean that to be as harsh as you think.
Trisha loves me to death, and she would never say anything or do anything to hurt me.
She simply means that I don’t have everything.
She’s not intentionally trying to point out a flaw that I can’t change, or rub that flaw in my face, either.
“Trisha, you know that me being deaf has been a gift more than a curse.” I gesture with my hand.
“Look at the skills I have because I can’t hear. I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”
“Lennie, I love you for seeing it that way, but you also see it that way because you don’t know what you’re missing out on. You were born deaf. You’ve never heard birds chirping or the sound of music, and you’ll never be able to hear the man you love tell you that he loves you.”
I wait a beat for emphasis. “But I’ll feel it.”
She bites her lip and cradles my face with her hands. “You will. God, you are such a beautiful person, Lennie. But you deserve to have everything you want. Maybe Levi isn’t it.”