Chapter 5
On Tuesday morning, Fred stood outside the church office, tapping his fingers against his leg. He’d been standing there for two minutes—long enough for Mrs. White to glance up from her desk twice.
This was the right thing to do. He knew it was. That, however, did not make it easy to do. Slowly, he pulled the office door open. No turning back now.
“Is my dad in there?” he asked Mrs. White, as he gestured toward the closed door to his dad’s study.
“He sure is, and so is your mom.” Mrs. White smiled at him just as she always had whenever he asked her a question. Even when those questions had been rather ridiculous and designed to add some entertainment to the story during Sunday school class back when was in grade three.
Fred hesitated. Talking to dad would be hard enough. But Mom, too? Should he wait?
“Go ahead. Knock on the door,” Mrs. White encouraged him. “It looks like you have somewhere to be.” She pointed at his jacket which bore the Drummonds’ logo on it.
“Thanks.” He did have to get to work soon, so he tapped on the door and waited for his dad’s usual “enter,” but it never came. Instead, the door opened.
“Hey, Mom.” He gave her a hug. “Can I talk to Dad?”
His mother squeezed him tight. “Are you okay?” she asked rather than answering his question.
“Yeah, I’m good.”
One eyebrow arched over a questioning look. “You were rather quiet on Sunday during teatime.”
Fred shrugged. “It happens.”
She placed a hand on each side of his face and tipped his head to look down at her.
“Not as often for you as for Eddie or Brandon, but more often than for Henry.” She smiled.
“You may be all grown up, Freddie dear, but you’re still my boy, and I know when things are not right.
” She pulled him down further and kissed his forehead.
“But I’ll let you discuss whatever it was that you were thinking about with your dad. ”
“How did you know…” He began to ask as she let him stand up again.
She shook her head. “You tap your finger on whatever surface is near you when you’re thinking. You always have.”
“I tap all the time.” At least, he did when it was not possible to hum whatever tune was in his head.
“Nope. I’m not buying that,” she said. “You were tapping the ‘I’ve got a problem to sort out’ tune. It has its own rhythm.”
“Seriously?” His mom kept track of things like that?
“Yes, now, I hope that you have a good day at work after you’re done here. But remember, I have two ears that work just as well as your dad’s do, and my viewpoint might be helpful since I’m not a pastor or a boy.” Her eyebrows flicked up a couple times as she smiled.
“I know, Mom. Remember, I’m the one who talks to you the most of all us brothers.”
“I know, but you’re all grown up and… well… things change.”
Fred wrapped her in a hug. “Nah, you’ll always be my Mommy.”
She laughed. “And you’ll never get married if you keep calling me that.”
Yeah, that’s not what was going to keep him from getting married, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to share what was keeping him single with his mom just yet. Maybe some day.
“I hear,” he said instead, “that cool bachelor uncles are all the rage.”
She swatted playfully at his arm. “You would need a niece or nephew to be an uncle, and I don’t believe for one minute that God intends for you to be single.”
“You don’t believe any of us are going to be single,” he countered.
She shrugged. “Maybe Brandon.”
Fred was certain his eyes couldn’t open any wider. Had his mother just admitted that one of her children might not get married? That was a first.
“He’s always been good on his own. The rest of you need someone.
” She gathered her coat from the chair in front of his dad’s desk.
“That doesn’t mean I’m not still praying he will find a wife.
Just like I am for the rest of you.” She went behind the desk and gave his dad a hug and kiss. “See you at the diner at six.”
“Date night?” Fred asked.
“Yep,” his dad replied. “You can never give those up once you find the right girl.”
It was not the first time Fred had heard his dad say something along those lines.
“So, what can I help you with, son?” He busied himself shuffling the papers on his desk.
Fred blew out a breath and rubbed his hands on his knees. He didn’t want to say this, but it had to be said. It truly did. “I think…” He swallowed. “I think I’d like to step down from the worship team for a while.”
His dad’s hands stopped as he gave Fred his full attention. “You want to step down from the worship team?” he asked as if he hadn’t heard correctly.
Fred nodded. “For a while. I don’t think it’s forever.” He hoped it wasn’t. He loved playing, singing, and hearing the congregation praising God with him. But right now, he had to step back.
“Um.” His dad pulled out a pen and notepad. “Is there a reason for this desire?” The fact that Fred’s request baffled him was written plainly across his face. “You have wanted to lead worship since you started guitar lessons when you were seven.”
Actually, that was why he had chosen to take guitar lessons. “Yeah, I know, but I…” He shrugged. “On Sunday, it felt like God was saying to take a step back from some stuff.”
Esther to be specific.
The right side of his dad’s mouth lifted in a bit of a smile. “Some stuff or… someone?”
“Both?”
His dad’s pen and notepad were discarded as he leaned back and folded his arms. “Esther?”
Fred closed his eyes and sighed. “Yeah. She’s dating Steve, and it’s weird.”
“I can see how that would change a friendship,” his dad said, “but does that mean you need to stop doing what you love?”
“I asked God what to do, and I’m pretty sure He said to step back.
So yeah, I think I have to give this up.
At least for a while.” He wished he didn’t, but he didn’t have peace about keeping his position on the worship team either.
It had been a long two days. “Steve seemed a little less than happy to see me in Esther’s classroom on Friday. ”
“Why were you there?” his dad asked.
“She needed help with the Christmas program practice, and then, I offered to help her with some things she needed to have cut out before Monday.”
His dad’s head bobbed left and right as he absorbed that information. “I could see how that might make a fellow jealous if he sees his girl with her male best friend working together, but that’s a him problem, not a you problem.”
Oh, Fred knew that. But still… “I just don’t want to be a stumbling block at the beginning of a relationship.
It likely wouldn’t be an issue if they had been dating for a while.
So, I thought it might be best if I just step back for a while.
Let things get settled however they are going to settle. Ya know?”
His dad sighed. It was a resigned and slightly disappointed sound, which matched perfectly how Fred felt. “That seems wise. As your father, I’m proud of you for making what I know must be a hard decision.”
Hard was putting it mildly. Painful, soul-crushing, as welcome as pouring salt water on a hang nail, all those might be better descriptors for the level of difficulty this decision presented. But it, unfortunately, felt like the best one.
“As your pastor,” his dad continued, “I’ve got some mixed emotions. On one hand, I’m pleased to see your willingness to sacrifice on behalf of others. On the other… it’s almost Christmas. You’re kind of needed.”
Fred nodded. “I know. I thought about that, so if you’ll start looking for someone to take over my place, I’ll stay on until all the special services and programs are over.”
“Can you stay until mid-January?” his dad countered.
“You can schedule the worship team so that you’re not on at the same time as Esther for now, but it’s going to be tough to find someone at this time of year.
” His dad leaned forward. “In fact, you could just schedule Esther to not be on your team until she and Steve have the whole dating thing sorted out. I hate to see you sidelined and then, have whatever is happening between Esther and Steve fizzle.”
“But there’ll be someone else eventually.”
Not that he liked that thought any better than Esther being with Steve. He stood and paced back and forth behind the chair.
“Maybe. Maybe not.”
To be honest, Fred hoped both for the fizzling out with Steve and the maybe not options. As much as he didn’t want Esther with anyone, he also didn’t want her to be alone. He knew how much she had always wanted to be a mom. And all of those thoughts left him feeling guilty.
“But if stepping back is what God is asking me to do…” He stopped behind the chair he had been sitting in and drew and released a deep breath. “Then, I have to give up what I love. We’re supposed to offer everything to Him, right? Be a living sacrifice?”
His dad looked like Fred felt – devastated.
“I can’t argue against that reasoning – even if I want to.
” His dad shook his head. “You’re so gifted.
I can’t imagine God doesn’t have some other way for you serve with your talent.
” He put his elbows on his desk and, leaning forward, rubbed his temples.
“Okay. I’ll make an announcement that we have a need for more worship leaders and see what response we get, and at the same time, I’ll pray about how you can still use that musical gift of yours for God’s glory. ”
“Thanks, Dad, and I’m sorry.”
“There’s no need to apologize, Fred. We’ll get this sorted. God will come through. Just you wait and see.”
Fred pressed his lips together tightly as he nodded. He hoped his dad was right, and not just about the worship team. Fred had been praying for God to come through where Esther was concerned for six years now. Unfortunately, the answer to that petition seemed to be no.
“He can work even this out for good,” his father assured him.
Fred blew out a breath and let his head hang forward as he leaned heavily on the back of the chair in front of him. “I want to believe it, Dad. I really do.”
“He’s a good Father. Even better than me.”
Fred chuckled at that. “That’s even harder to believe.” In his mind, no one had a better dad then he did, and to imagine God as even better was asking a lot.
“Well, I’ve made plenty of mistakes.” His dad chuckled. “And I remember being short tempered with you boys more than once, so maybe if you scrounge up some memories of those failings, you’ll be able to see the difference.”
“Yeah, but that was mostly Henry’s fault.” He gave his dad a teasing smile.
His dad laughed. “Not always. I’ll give you that Henry wins the prize for best pot stirrer, but you all did your fair share of causing trouble.” He stood. “Are you okay?”
Fred nodded slowly. “I’m not happy, but I’m fine.” He blew out a breath and shrugged. Fine might be stretching the truth a bit. Resigned to his fate was more accurate. “I really think this is what I’m supposed to do.”
His dad stood and held his arms open. “Are you too old to give your dad a hug?”
“I don’t ever plan on being too old for that.” He rounded the desk and wrapped his arms around his father.
“I’ll be praying about this for you, son,” his dad said as he held him tight.
“Thanks, Dad. I’ll be praying for me, too.”
His father squeezed him tightly one more time before letting him go. “God’s got a plan for you. Even in this. He’s never without one.”
Fred nodded his agreement and waved as he closed the door to his dad’s study. He wished he felt as certain about that as his dad sounded.
“It’s done, God,” he whispered as slipped into his car. “I just wish it didn’t hurt so much.” He gripped the steering wheel. “If I have to give up Esther, can you please help me find a way to still do the thing I love? Please, please, don’t make me give up both.”