Chapter 4
“So what did you think?” Esther moved away from her computer to get the cup of cocoa she had put in the microwave to warm up.
She had made sure to introduce Steve to her besties at church today, and tonight, she wanted to get their input about him. Hopefully, they’d say something helpful that confirmed for her that she was doing the right thing by dating him.
“You weren’t wrong. He’s handsome, even if he is a dad.” Mandy’s answer greeted Esther as she returned from the kitchen to the small dining room attached to it that she used for her office.
“Is that all you thought? That he was handsome?” She pushed back a stack of books to place her mug next to the computer and then, tucked her legs under her as she settled onto her chair.
This was how she almost always ended Sundays – a virtual chat with her friends, while each of them indulged in some self-care sort of thing.
Mandy was wearing a face mask and camped out in her bathroom.
Rosalie was polishing her nails.
Tiffany – who was the newest member of their group – was meal prepping.
And Esther was sitting with a cup of hot cocoa and doing nothing, which was a definite treat for her, since the rest of the week rarely had a lot of nothing time. Teaching came with a mountain of homework and extra duties.
“He seems nice.” Mandy’s words were not a ringing endorsement. Actually, they were rather generic, which had Esther’s insides twisting more than they had already been – since Friday at school, after Fred had left her classroom.
“His little girl is adorable,” Rosalie said. “I met her when I was in kid land today. You taught her last year, right?”
“Yeah, I did. Madison’s great. She was a wonderful student, and a great friend to her classmates.”
“I guess that means he’s doing well with being a parent then,” Tiffany said. “That’s a good sign.”
These were the sorts of comments she needed to help her anxiety calm so that she could think.
“I thought so, too.” Steve was a great dad from everything she had seen last year, and it was kind of nice knowing how a guy you were dating was going to be as a parent – even before the relationship reached the point of being serious enough to consider marriage.
She smiled as an image of sharing a cup of cocoa on a Sunday evening while tucked up together on the couch with Madison popped into her mind.
That was where her love of warm chocolatey drinks had started.
On the couch with her mom. There was just something special about mother-daughter snuggles.
She sighed silently. Hers had ended far too soon.
“What’s that smile about?” Mandy asked.
“I was just thinking that I’d love to be Madison’s mom.”
“Oh! You’d be amazing at it,” Rosalie said. “I’ve always said that you were born to mother kids – whether that’s in your own home or a classroom.”
“Thanks.” Esther could always count on Rosalie to lift her spirits. Encouragement just seemed to flow from her without an ounce of effort.
“Hold up,” Tiffany inserted. “You’ve only been on one date. It might be a little early to be thinking about minivans, primary suites, and what to pack in a pink kid-size bento box.”
Esther shrugged. “I suppose. But … I can’t help myself. I’d pick being a mom over anything.”
“She’s always been like that,” Rosalie confirmed.
“And,” Esther continued, “I guess I’ve got a soft spot for little girls with moms who don’t want to be part of their lives.”
“I love ya, Esther. I really do, and I know your mom’s leaving did a number on you.
But you can’t save them all. Maybe not even one.
” Mandy was the matter of fact, tell-it-like-it-is friend in their group.
“Because to save even one, you’ll have to marry the dad.
So might I suggest that you focus on if you can see yourself as a second wife to a divorcee.
” She gave Esther a look that was all too familiar to her.
It was the same one that she had worn when she told Esther that she could do better than Fred as a date for the hayride all those years ago.
“You don’t like him?” Disappointment coloured her words and settled into her heart. Why couldn’t Mandy ever just be happy for her when it came to guys she wanted to date?
Mandy sighed. “No, I like him. I just don’t know if he’s right for you.
Like I said, you’ve got all that baggage from your dad’s divorce.
Do you really want to take on more baggage of the same sort?
” She held up her hands when Esther huffed.
“I’m not saying don’t date him. I’m saying don’t rush into anything just because you love his little girl. ”
“You really know how to throw a wet blanket over a fun time,” Rosalie said. “Let her make her own decision.”
Esther couldn’t agree more. This was how Mandy had always been.
If there was a negative side to things, she’d see it, and if she thought it was in the best interest of her friends, she’d forcefully make her points known about why something was not a good idea.
Most of their friends just put up with it and moved on with life, but for Esther it hadn’t been, and still wasn’t, so easy.
“I’m not going to make this decision for her,” Mandy snapped.
“Well, there’s a first,” Rosalie muttered.
Rosalie was not only great at encouraging those whose spirits needed lifting; she was also a guardian of those whom she thought needed protection.
Esther loved her for it, especially since she fit in both categories.
She might look like she had everything under control to most people, but Rosalie knew her insides were more organized chaos than orderly files and piles when it came to all things dating.
“Hey! I’ve grown up,” Mandy protested. “I only give advice now. I don’t tell people what to do.”
Mandy knew Esther’s secret weakness, too, which made it easier for her to persuade Esther to make decisions based on her advice, rather than what Esther really wanted.
“Is there some context that I’m missing?” Tiffany asked.
“Have you ever watched that old movie Mean Girls?” Rosalie asked.
“Wait a minute! I was not a mean girl – ever!”
“Says you.” Rosalie turned her attention back to Tiffany. “Let’s just say she liked to be the queen bee whenever we allowed it, and you know how sweet Esther is.” She smiled as if that was enough of an explanation.
“I value my friends’ opinions on things.” Even to her, Esther’s defence of herself sounded like a lame excuse for having been convinced to give up on the guy she had a massive crush on.
Had? Who was she kidding? She still liked him. If only she had been more secure in who she was back in grade eleven, then, maybe now she wouldn’t be dating a guy and trying to convince herself that she could like him enough to be his daughter’s mom.
This wasn’t how things were supposed to be.
Two nights ago, she was supposed to have sat next to Steve in a dark theatre and felt some sort of tingles when he held her hand.
She was supposed to have sighed with satisfaction after he kissed her good night.
He was supposed to have been eager to come to church to hear her sing.
None of that had happened as it should have. Not a single solitary thing had gone as it was supposed to.
And that had her naturally wobbly feelings about dating wiggling and jiggling like a bowl of warm jello.
“Well, don’t let us form your opinion,” Rosalie said. “What do you think of Steve?”
“Steve’s … great. He’s solid. Steady. A great dad. Handsome. Kind.” She barely held back a sigh. She should have just said what Mandy did. Dating Steve was nice. And it still was not a resounding endorsement of their relationship.
“But?” Rosalie prompted.
Esther swirled the cocoa in her cup. She wanted to protest that there wasn’t a but. However, the truth of that word sat heavy in her chest. There was a but.
“It’s just different.” She didn’t dare look up at her friend for fear that she would see through that answer.
“How so?” Rosalie pressed gently.
That was easy. And yet so hard to say.
“He’s… not Fred.”
She buried her face in her hands so she wouldn’t have to see the expressions on her friends’ faces.
She was supposed to be over Fred. She had said she was.
She had been saying it since she was eighteen and still six years later, it was a lie.
An absolute, bald-faced lie. And had never been anything but a lie.
“Hello. New girl here,” Tiffany said. “Missing context again. Are we talking about Fred Bennett?”
“How many times do I have to apologize for that?” Mandy asked. “I really didn’t think he was good for your image back in high school. You were on a career path, and he was on a play with engines path. Grease does not look good on cashmere.” She sighed. “I know. I was dumb.”
“Was?” Rosalie teased. “Remember how you talked about Trish when she first arrived?”
Mandy stood. “My face needs to be freed from this mask, and I’m not sure I want to continue this conversation.”
“Sorry,” Rosalie called after her. “But you do remember asking me to keep you accountable to developing kindness, right?”
“Unfortunately, yes,” came the reply over the sound of water running in the sink.
“I’m still confused. But wait one minute before you explain, because I need to blend this smoothie.” A slash mark over a speaker popped up on the screen where Tiffany was.
“Do you think I’ll ever stop comparing guys to him?” Esther asked Rosalie.
She replied with a shrug. “Maybe when you find someone you love more?”
Esther sighed. “Maybe it just takes time. It’s not like I had a crush on Fred from the first time I met him.
” Though she kinda had. “And it’s not like we live in a romance novel.
” Though she wished she did. Fixing things would be so much easier then.
In a romance novel, you’d just need an eraser or a delete button.
However… “In real life things take time.”
“Tell that to Lacey and Will,” Mandy grumbled. “Or Trish and Henry or Ava and Eddie.” She shook her head. “Soon there won’t be any single guys left for the rest of us who have been crushing on them forever.”
“Well,” Esther said, “I’m of the opinion that this relationship with Steve should be given more than one date to determine if it’s for the long haul or not.
” She needed at least three dates according to what Fred had told her class before it could be counted as an official relationship.
“We’re going bowling on Friday. That should be fun. ”
Tiffany unmuted herself. “What did I miss?”
“Only that Esther is going on a date with Steve again on Friday to try to convince herself that she can learn to love him,” Rosalie said.
“That is not what I’m doing! I’m doing my due diligence in determining if this is the man God has for me.” She grimaced. “Of course, I suppose, if I want to do that, it means I need to pray about it, huh?”
“You suppose?” Tiffany eyes widened. “Esther…” She shook her head. Out of the four of them she seemed to be the most eager to add things to her prayer list and to talk about things of God.
“I know. I know. It’s what I should have done from the beginning.” But what if she didn’t like what God had to say?
“Uh, yeah.” Tiffany said as she nodded her agreement. “Promise me that you’ll start praying about this tonight.”
“I will.” She blew out a breath.
“Don’t be afraid of His answer,” Tiffany added with a small encouraging smile before letting her eyes flick to the others in the group. “Now, what’s the history between Esther and Fred, and does it mean I shouldn’t flirt with him?”
“She’s loved Fred for years,” Rosalie said, “and the one time he asked her out in high school, Mandy here advised her to say no because some other, better, prospect might come along. And now she’s doomed to compare every guy she meets to him until some guy she can love better comes along.”
“Ah, so no flirting with Fred. Got it.”
Esther laughed. “It’s not like I have a claim to him. He’s never even hinted since back then that he might be interested in dating me.”
“It probably would have been better for you to go out with him and then been dumped.”
“Mandy!” Rosalie cried.
“What? It’s not like the relationship was going to work. He’s gone out with several other people since then.”
Esther hated being reminded of that.
“Why don’t you ask him out and find out?” Tiffany suggested. “It’s not like we have to wait for some guy to approach us.”
Mandy gasped.
“What?” Tiffany said. “There is no verse in the Bible that says the man has to do the asking. I can still be a perfectly-acceptable-to-God Christian woman and ask out the guy I like.”
“I suppose,” Mandy allowed. “But if he’s not the leader before marriage, will he be after?”
“He will be if you let him be. He just might need a little encouragement. That’s all I’m saying. According to my aunt, guys don’t always get things as quickly as we think they should.”
Could it really be that simple? Esther turned her mug back and forth by its handle. “But what if it ruins a friendship?” That was the excuse she had given to Fred when she had turned him down.
“Do you honestly think it won’t be ruined when one or the other of you marries someone else?
You do know that your friendship can’t stay the same with Fred now that you’re dating Steve, because Steve deserves first place as far as any guys go – maybe not at first, but if you’re serious about him.
” Tiffany snapped closed a lid on a delicious-looking salad.
“Yeah, I know.” But knowing didn’t change the ache in her chest. One date, and already, her friendship with Fred felt… different.
“Fred seemed happy that my date had gone well.” The thought did nothing to quell the pain in her heart about leaving him behind. She dropped her head back on her chair and looked up at the ceiling. “I guess that tells me something, huh?”
“Maybe,” Tiffany said. “And maybe not. I really think you should find out if he likes you before you settle for someone who doesn’t stir your heart as much as the lady in Song of Solomon had her heart stirred.”
Again, Mandy gasped.
“Don’t tell me you refuse to read that book of the Bible,” Tiffany teased. “Remember, I know the real Mandy, not just the church Mandy.”
“Wow. I sure sound like a major loser tonight. I’m so glad I could be here.” Mandy was pouting when Esther lifted her head off the back of her chair enough to see her screen.
“We all have our issues, Mandy,” she said. “None of us are perfect.” But, oh, how Esther wished she was. Then, she’d have said yes to Fred all those years ago, and she’d know one way or the other now, instead of yearning for something that simply couldn’t be.