Chapter 16
16
The sun lit up the room through the open curtains when Amber’s lids finally fluttered open. She blinked a few times, clearing the sleep from her just-opened eyes. Her mouth was a little dry, her head a little fuzzy. It took her a second to come around, and then last night slammed into her memory. Wow . What the hell was that repeated in her head, an endless ticker-tape question. She’d had sex with Tyler. More than once. They’d reached for each other in the night, and those times had been slower. Less hurried love making, but somehow even more meaningful. She blushed, remembering the way he’d held her close when he pushed into her, whispering her name as his brown eyes levelled her with a look of pure obsession. Perfect, mind-blowing sex. Each time, they’d drifted back to sleep, wrapped in the other, as if they’d been doing this forever.
Her whole body ached in a delicious way, the crumpled bedsheets wrapped around her. The pillow smelled like him. She knew before she even moved her head that he wasn’t asleep next to her. She reached a tentative hand across; the bottom sheet was still warm from his body. She sat up, propped on her elbows. The room was empty. Their clothes were littered across the floor like strewn rose petals, the bed a tangled mess of duvet. This is… bad. Did he leave? She thought of the past before she could stop herself. All the times she’d woken up alone, and her heart clenched. Wait… Amber looked at the clothes again. Tyler’s clothes were still there… which meant…
‘Morning, beautiful.’
He was standing in the doorway, a tray from her kitchen in his hands. She couldn’t help but ogle the sight of him. The thick, dark hair she’d run her fingers through last night was ruffled, shooting off in all directions. His stubble was thicker than he normally kept it, making his jaw look all the more manly, rugged. She shivered, remembering him running it along her neck the night before. Her bare breast. She was pretty sure she had stubble rash on her skin from that jaw. When her eyes finally lifted back from his boxers to his face, it was only his eyes she saw then. He was looking at her as if she was the best thing he’d ever seen.
‘Hello, handsome.’ She smiled back, feeling silly all of a sudden for having been caught ogling him. His returning smile could only be described as triumphant. ‘I thought you’d gone.’
His grin dipped a little as he nodded to the tray.
‘I went to make breakfast.’ He went to take a step, but his foot fell back to meet its mate. ‘Did you want me to be gone?’
‘No,’ she said without hesitation. ‘It’s just…’
‘I know.’ He came over to the side of the bed, putting the tray down between them as he sat back against the pillows. ‘You don’t have to say anything. I’m not going anywhere, Cherry. After last night, I don’t think I’d have enough energy to get down the stairs.’ She blushed again, remembering him carrying her to the bedroom like an absolute sex god. ‘You need to eat.’
She smiled, sitting up to match him, taking in the contents of the tray. He’d made them both eggs, white, buttered toast, bacon that was well done and crisped up just how she liked. Two glasses of orange juice and two mugs of steaming hot coffee sat side by side. ‘Wow. This looks amazing.’
He shrugged, but she spotted the tiny, satisfied twitch of his full lips. ‘Tuck in,’ he commanded. They sat and ate together, his legs coming back under the covers. It was so weird, so easy. Tyler had stayed over before, but never like this. Never post coital, wearing nothing but boxers. Never having stayed the night in her bed. Wrapped around me like the world’s best, sexiest blanket.
When their plates were empty, the juice drank, they finished off the coffee. She eyed him over her mug, bare chested against her headboard. She’d never done this with Bradley. He was normally only up for a quickie in the mornings, or he was running off to get showered and start his workday. Even on the weekends, he’d never made her eggs and coffee in bed. Never laid beside her, looking at her as if he had all the time in the world, and nowhere else he’d rather be.
When he saw her looking back at him, he laughed. A low, easy rumble. ‘What?’ he teased. ‘Panicking?’ His gaze was easy, but she’d felt him tense up through the mattress.
‘No, not panicking. Just… well, I didn’t expect it. Not that I mean, it… but… well, yeah I did mean it, but… not “it” it.’ When they locked eyes again, he laughed. Which made her giggle. ‘Come on, you know what I mean.’
‘I do,’ he pushed, ‘but I’m more interested to hear what you’ve got to say.’ He finished the rest of his coffee. ‘I enjoyed last night.’
‘So did I.’
There it was. That little smile she was beginning to love seeing splayed across his lips. She’d seen Tyler laugh and smile a million times, but never quite like that.
‘You’re different, you know. You seem…’
‘I’m happy, Amber. Last night for me was a long time coming. I didn’t think it would happen that way, but I don’t regret it.’ He set the mug back on the tray, reaching to take her hand in his. ‘You thought I’d be gone, but you didn’t want me to be. Right?’
She nodded, a lump in her throat at his words.
‘So that means you don’t regret this either. I really think we could?—’
His phone cut him off, making Amber jump. It rang out loud in the previously tranquil bedroom. Like a gunshot scattered sleeping birds in the peaceful forest. He sighed, reached and pulled it out of his jeans pocket. She looked at the caller display, and her morning glow ebbed away. It was the agency he’d signed up with for his job hunt.
‘Shouldn’t you get that?’ she said when he made no move to pick up the call.
‘I’m not answering it.’ The smile she loved on his face was gone now, his jaw set hard. He reached for her hand, as if he was expecting her to jump from the bed. She had to admit, she had considered it. In the light of day, the future loomed large between them.
‘It might be a job offer,’ she probed.
Tyler’s sigh was loud in the room. ‘I’ve already been offered one. In London. And I’m not interested in taking the job, Amber. To be honest, I never really was.’ His throat worked. ‘I don’t need that now.’ He huffed out a laugh. ‘I mean, Jesus, I was only going to leave because we’d stopped talking. When you told me about the baby plan, it kinda brought up some stuff. I was about to call the agency off.’
The phone rang again, and Tyler cut the call off. Threw the phone down on the bed.
‘Tyler, you got a job?’
He pressed his lips together. ‘They offered me a job in London. Chef Ainsley’s new place had an opening.’ Amber baulked .
‘James Ainsley, the chef you worship?’ Ainsley had his own chain of exclusive restaurants, best-selling cookbooks and a regular celebrity slot on morning television. Tyler had nurtured a major man crush on him for as long as she’d known him. To be offered a job there would be amazing for his career. ‘Why the hell wouldn’t you tell me that?’
He shrugged, but for once, he didn’t meet her eye. ‘Because I wasn’t going to take it, Amber. We’re good now. There was no point. I’m not leaving you.’
‘Tyler, that’s insane! You’re wasted here! That’s your dream!’
‘No, Amber, it’s not. I’m good. I know we have some stuff to sort out, but I told you. I’m not going anywhere.’
‘You weren’t going to tell me, were you?’ She thought back to everything he said last night. Everything he’d been doing for her. The menus, the dishes, spurring her on. He was putting everything on hold for her. He’d fallen in love with a baby that wasn’t his, and now what? If he stayed, he’d be doing the same thing. Following her dreams, at the expense of his own. Raising a child he didn’t really want. Her heart swelled and broke at the same time. She couldn’t cope with it. She couldn’t do it to him. He’d let her do it, and then what? Would he end up resenting her? ‘Tyler, that job would be amazing.’
‘I’m not taking it, baby. I don’t want to go to London. I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d be like this. There was no point discussing it.’ His scowl deepened when his phone started ringing again. He ignored it. ‘I’ll call them back later, tell them I changed my mind.’
Amber shook her head. This was all such a mess. Tyler couldn’t do this. She cared about him too much to drag him into her chaos a second longer. She had to stick to the plan. Be on her own. Cut ties, and try to salvage what she could out of this whole thing. He’d hate her, but she could live with it. In the long run, he’d be happier. He’d realise one day, once he was following his own path, that this was the right thing to do.
‘Tyler, I need you to go.’ She scrambled out from under the duvet, knocking the tray flying. ‘We can’t do this.’ Tyler didn’t move for the longest time as she babbled on, throwing on the nearest top and sweatpants she could grab from her drawers. ‘Jesus Christ, it’s such a mess. I have to open up, get the Slug organised.’
The phone stopped ringing, and after a second, started right up again.
She grabbed his clothes from the floor, passing them to him as he rounded the bed and came to stand in front of her. He looked so sexy, standing there in her bedroom clad in his black boxers. She tried not to look, even though later she knew it was all she would think about. Last night would torture her forever.
‘Amber, take a breath. Don’t be mad about London; I don’t care about the job. We need to talk about this, make a plan.’
‘Oh yeah.’ She laughed bitterly. ‘I’m full of those, Ty. But I’m not costing you yours. I have so much baggage, I could fill my own airport. Don’t you see?’
He shook his head. ‘See what? You panicking, when we finally did this? I want you, don’t you get that yet? I want you. So much. All of you. Everything you are. Everything you want. I’m in this. When it comes to you, I’m on board.’
‘So you’re going to stay. Run the Arms with me, see my dreams happen. Raise a child that’s not yours?’
He swallowed. ‘If you still want to do the baby thing, then yes. I mean, the Arms comes first, right? The rest might take me a minute. I want you, Amber. That’s the point. I’m not leaving.’
She felt the tears hit her cheek. She couldn’t do this to him. It felt like she was trapping him like Lauren had. She wasn’t going to do that to him. She would rather lose him for good than see the light slowly seep out of him. She couldn’t bring a child into that kind of environment. Tyler left London to avoid the same thing. Her parents hadn’t wanted a kid. Look how that had turned out.
‘Please, just go. I should never have done this.’
‘Sweetheart don’t do this.’ He looked stricken. ‘We can sort this out. Let’s finish breakfast, get dressed. I’ll help you set up the bar.’
She shook her head, dressed now. Pulling her hair back into a pony, she avoided looking at him. ‘Please, just go.’
‘No,’ he rumbled. ‘You’re upset.’
‘Yeah, I’m upset, but I still need you to go. This won’t work, Tyler, okay? You have your own life to live. I have the Arms to get, and the baby plan.’
‘You were going to do that alone anyway,’ he cut in. ‘I can help, be part of it. I am part of it.’
‘Tyler,’ she sighed, folding her arms over her chest to hold herself together. ‘This was a mistake, okay? I got carried away, but I am going to make this right. I’m sorry, but this…’ she gestured between them, ‘is not happening. You should ring the agency, go to London.’
‘Coward,’ he spat. ‘You want this, and there’s a million excuses not to, but I don’t care. I’m scared too, but you’re the one running. Not me. Don’t do this, please. Amber, not now. I don’t care about any of it. I just want to be with you. You can’t do this. Not now. It will fucking kill me.’ Kill him? I already want to die. One thing she was sure of, other than the fact that she was pushing away the one person who truly knew her, was that she’d never find this again. When he left, that would be it. She would spend the rest of her life alone. But at least he will get his dream too. Be happy. Even if he hates me.
‘I can’t do this,’ she said, her voice breaking. ‘It’s too complicated.’ And then she lowered the boom. ‘You’re my friend. That’s all you’ll ever be. We want different things.’ I want you, but you deserve so much more. You deserve to put yourself first for once. I want that for you more than I want you for myself. No more staying behind for a woman who had only just realised what she had. What she was throwing away, despite every cell in her body yearning for him. ‘I’m sorry. If that makes me a coward, then fine. It’s about me. What I want.’ What I want for you. ‘I won’t have a baby with someone who doesn’t want the same things. I grew up with parents like that, I won’t do it to my own kid.’
He looked at the floor, the knuckles of his fingers white as they gripped the clothes in his hands.
‘The baby? Amber, I know I was against it, but that’s no reason for us not to try. I thought… maybe we’d do it together. Maybe you’d change your mind. Wait a little while.’ His face was stricken, confusion marring his features. And then she saw it. The way she could get him to leave, to give up on her and put himself first. ‘I don’t get it. I don’t see what changed from last night. I’m not leaving ’til you tell me the truth.’
‘No, Tyler, you don’t get it. How could you? I have a plan, and you are not part of it. I want the Arms, to be a mother. That’s not going to stop; I’m not waiting. You don’t want this, and I can’t afford to waste time. I don’t want you to either. You deserve that London job. I want that for you.’
‘I get that, but?—’
He fell silent when she raised her hand.
‘No, you don’t. Life doesn’t just wait for everything you want. Things have an expiration date. Plans, eggs. We rushed into things last night. We didn’t think about the consequences.’
‘Bullshit,’ Tyler rumbled, thrusting his jeans on and pulling his top over his head. ‘You’re freaking out about the London thing. None of that is us!’
She shook her head, moving out of the bedroom.
‘There is no us. I’m sorry.’ She balled her fists at her sides. ‘I want you to go. ’
‘Amber…’
‘Tyler, leave. Please.’
She left him then, going to sit on the couch in the living room because her legs felt like they were about to give out. She didn’t cry until she heard the door to her flat close behind him.