Chapter 34
FAITH
After five days of moping around Amy’s flat, red-eyed and barely functioning, replaying that awful boardroom scene over and over again, I couldn’t do it to her anymore.
Despite her pleas, I left the city. Besides, everything reminded me of Curtis.
If I saw a well-dressed man, a Porsche, a black car, an older character building, the letters C or K, even a donut, I thought of him.
It was getting ridiculous. My mental health wouldn’t be great at Momster’s, but even that would be better than riding out the pain at Amy’s place. Once I found somewhere to live that didn’t involve sleeping on the couch and hairy-belly sightings, I’d get my five boxes sent over.
I’d only been back in Braidesville on the outskirts of Scranton, Pennsylvania for one day, but I wasn’t wasting any time.
In a moment that felt full circle, I’d spent a couple of hours visiting every store within fifteen-minutes’ drive of the place I used to call home.
It wasn’t as bad as I thought. I’d gone to school with the manager at the main grocery store, and she said they could use an on-call casual.
She took my details and was going to let me know in the next few days.
I’d also gotten into a conversation at the local law firm, and they wanted their website redone—copy, design, and pics.
I gave them one of my old cards, and they were going to get back to me ASAP, so that was something.
Next was finding an apartment. I was sitting on Mom’s couch—at least I didn’t have far to go to bed, ha!
—on my laptop. There were a few one-bedrooms available within ten minutes’ bus ride of the places I’d applied.
The two I could afford were modern—when you counted the 20th Century as modern—and one was inhabited by a hoarder, if the pics were anything to go by, but they were better than nothing.
I got on my phone and made appointments to see them tomorrow.
By the time I hung up, the growly noise of Mom’s holey-mufflered car vibrated through the house as she pulled into the driveway.
She soon walked in the door, returning from her shift at the local hospital.
Brandy and her dad were both still at work, meaning my first full day in this house hadn’t been as bad as I expected.
Coming here on a Monday was strategic on my part.
Even in my devastation, my survival instincts were intact.
Mom shut the door, her gaze finding me straight away. “Please tell me you haven’t been sitting there all day.”
Just breathe. When I’d arrived yesterday afternoon, she’d eagerly hugged me, but it wasn’t long before the “I told you so” started, all the while Brandy sniggered from her recliner.
“Nope. I visited every shop and business on Main Street. Megan at Spicer’s said they had a casual job going. She’s talking to the boss tonight. It wouldn’t be a lot of hours, but it’s a start, and that law firm wants their website redone. They’re going to get back to me in the next few days.”
Mom sighed. “Honestly, you need to give that marketing stuff away. It’s brought you nothing but problems. That job’s too good for you, and you know what I say about that.”
My eyes widened in mock curiosity. “No. What do you say?” Mom would miss the sarcasm, but I didn’t care anymore.
It was my own fault I was back here. I deserved all the mom “wisdom” she could dish out.
Maybe it would leave a scar that I couldn’t ignore that would stop me before I dated any man ever again, rich or otherwise.
Rich men were just poor men with more money.
They all had the ability to be dickheads and disappointments.
Why hadn’t Curtis been different?
Pain lanced through my chest, and I placed my hand on my stomach, blinking back the burn of unshed tears.
It was hard to take a proper breath. Since when had a broken heart felt so real, like it was tearing itself apart from the inside out?
As much as I was angry at Curtis, I understood why he’d shut down that day and pulled away from me—his family was everything to him, as was his father’s approval.
But I was nothing.
Mom’s mouth had been open to likely chastise me, but she stopped, her forehead furrowing. “Are you all right?” Her voice was gentler than normal. Seemed she did have a heart. It just wasn’t always functional.
I must have it bad if I was considering opening up to her.
I forced the tears away and took a steadying breath.
“I know this is all my fault for being stupid, but it does hurt. I really thought Curtis was the one. You know?” My eyes burned.
Argh, not again. I’d spent the last week crying.
I didn’t want to shed any more tears. I was tired.
Being heartbroken was more exhausting than running a marathon with a flu while carrying a fully grown panda.
When was the undercurrent of anger in my blood going to swell and take over? I was so pathetic.
Why did I have to fall for him? Oh, that’s right, he was gorgeous—irresistibly so—creative, kind to people who weren’t me, and even after he showed me that he was a grumpy bosshole, I fell for his nice-guy act as soon as he played it.
He needed my help, and I’d been there for it.
Were there anti-gullibility classes I could take?
I’d imagine they’d be called “asshole aware” classes.
Hmm, maybe I should set that up when I finally got over Curtis…
in ten years from now. My life would mean something if I could save other women from making the same dumb mistakes I had.
My mother put her handbag on the coffee table and sat next to me.
Her tone was kind, at odds with her words.
“I’m sorry, honey. I’m going to say I told you so because I did.
If only you’d listened to me. I know you think you’ll be enough for these rich men, but you can’t be.
No one is.” A hurt look crossed her face.
She’d been devastated by my father, and I’d known that, but I finally put myself in her place.
If I’d gotten pregnant and Mark or Curtis—whoever the lucky father would’ve been—had rejected me and my child?
My heart would break for myself, but it would break into fifty more pieces for my child.
I might not agree with my mother’s warning methods, but maybe I was starting to understand her.
I braced for the explosion that heralded the end of the world. Hmm, nothing. What a surprise.
“Why can’t you just go for someone nice who’s at our level?
There’s a young man I work with. He’s a very good nurse, and he loves to play boardgames.
He’s balding, and he mightn’t have all his teeth, but I don’t think that matters.
And you know, if your man isn’t good-looking, there’s less chance he’ll stray.
That Curtis fellow was way too handsome for his own good… or yours.”
Oh, hell no. That escalated quickly. Her dating advice had secured her Bob, so excuse me for not wanting to follow it.
Also, was that one of Bob’s chest hairs on the cushion next to my leg?
I jerked my leg to the side to avoid it.
“I know you mean well.” I couldn’t help it and coughed.
“But I’m not ready to date. I’d like to stay single while I get my life in order. ”
Staying single until I got over Curtis would mean my productive ovarian years would be well behind me, so I was aiming for something more reasonable, like a year.
I also didn’t bother arguing that he was more than a pretty face.
He had his own demons, and when it came down to it, they were stronger than his feelings for me.
There it went again, that sinking feeling as my stomach tried to drag me through the couch to the floor.
“Oh, honey, if you wait that long, I’ll never have any biological grandchildren.” She stared at my jeans and gasped. “You didn’t go job hunting dressed like that, did you?”
The strength to argue was as nonexistent as my pride right now. I pulled a horrified face and lied. Seemed I was getting good at that lately. “Of course not! I wore my skirt.” Life was bad when lying made your life easier.
“Just as well. I was beginning to think you’d learned nothing through this whole fiasco.” She looked at the ceiling and shook her head.
Ah, the torture I put her through. Poor woman.
It was time to wrap this conversation up before her pep talk left me more depressed than before we started.
I stood and looked around. There was nowhere to leave to, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me.
“Anyway, I’m going to view a couple of rentals tomorrow.
” I had enough saved up for about three months of living by myself.
And if both those jobs came through, I’d be able to see that proverbial light at the end of the tunnel.
The long-term goal was to have my own successful business.
All my focus and energy would go into that.
A man would never have the power to take my financial independence again. It was my new line in the sand. A hard line. One that I would never cross.
“You know you can stay on the couch as long as possible. There’s no pressure from my end. But don’t let Bob know I said that. He feels guilty for walking around without his shirt on, but it’s his home, too, you know. He should feel comfortable here.”
Not guilty enough to actually put the damn shirt on. Also, it used to be my home, yet no one gave a crap that I didn’t feel comfortable here. Why did my mother have to be so damned disappointing?
I breathed it in and breathed it out.