Chapter 24 #3
Yeah, that was stupid. I knew that, no one was immune.
“How long has this been going on?” My mind recalled all the time we’d spent together.
I didn’t see any of the signs. Granted, I didn’t honestly know what the signs looked like, but if Aldridge had been high any of those times, I would’ve known.
Right? “Are you getting high regularly?”
“There was a time when I couldn’t go a day without it.
My addiction started my second season in the league.
I was young, partying, making up for lost time.
All these people wanted my attention. I was famous and rich.
It was harmless at first, pop a pill at a club chase it with a drink.
The shit just took the fucking edge off. Evened me out.”
“And then?”
“And then I was doing lines in the bathroom. Before long I had my own dealer who made house visits. I could get high whenever I wanted so that’s exactly what I did.”
I stared at him with my arms pinned across my chest and my mouth hanging open.
Aldridge squinted, examining my tense facial features. “Shit, you’re judging me.”
“No. But this is a lot of new information, Aldridge. You don’t think this is a lot?
” My mother was right. I was a judgmental bitch.
I’d been that way my whole life. If I didn’t agree or understand something, I condemned it.
The hardest drugs I’d ever done was edible weed in college.
Cocaine, heroin, fucking meth, I felt painfully out of my depth.
What’s the correct way to respond to news like this?
“I get that. But honestly if I didn’t tell you, I’d probably do something stupid tonight. It’s who I am. You need to know if we’re going to do this … you need to know.”
“I love who you are Aldi. I do. I’m just trying to wrap my head around this.”
“No, erm … I get it. I totally understand.” He encased his arms around his body and took several steps back. The chasm between us growing wider.
“Don’t do that, don’t withdraw.” Making my way back over to him, I rested my hands on his arms. “Please, I’m listening. This doesn’t change the way I feel about you. I love you, Aldridge. I just need to understand.”
Before tonight, I’d only ever witnessed Aldridge cry two times.
The day his dad came to family weekend on campus drunk and embarrassed himself, calling Aldridge a disappointment and me a gold digger.
And the night he was drafted. I think that was the first time he actually breathed all four years, because the pressure placed upon him was so great.
“I felt alone and lost, and the drugs made me feel lost in a different way.” He pushed a tear away with his thumb before going silent.
It was brief, but if I didn’t know better, I’d think he was back in that lonely space.
“Anyway, eventually it got bad, and I decided to go to rehab in the off season, and I’ve been working to stay clean ever since. ”
“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
“Because of the way you’re looking at me right now.” Fresh tears rolled down his cheeks.
I made an attempt to fix my face, plastering on a smile, but that felt wrong.
Words escaped me, each answer just spurred a new question.
Burying my head into his chest, I let go and sobbed against him.
I knew my response was disappointing and that made me cry harder.
Aldridge held me tight, and I could feel his body shake against mine.
I blew out a long breath. “Why the shower?”
“I just needed to shock my senses, and it was either punching a wall or hop into a cold shower. Pete said—”
Lifting my head, I looked at him. “I’m sorry who’s Pete?”
“He’s my sponsor.” My brain started making connections.
He’d come in here to call his sponsor, that made sense.
“Pete helped me process my feelings and accept that using right now would make everything ten times worse. I knew that of course, but sometimes when you’re in it it’s hard to see the forest for the trees.
He also told me if you were going to be a fixture in my life then I’d have to let you in on this part of it. ”
“I want that. I want you to feel comfortable enough to share that stuff with me. And I’m here to support you in any way you need. You don’t have to do this alone.” I rubbed his back while he still held me in a secure embrace.
“Yep, I was just afraid of losing you.”
“Because of this?”
“Yeah, like you said, it’s a lot.”
“I did say that, but collectively and independently we’ve navigated through all types of shit. And will find our way through this too.”
“This is not something we get through, baby. This will always be there, and I need you to understand that. Because loving an addict, even a recovering one, is not for the weak of heart. So, if you want to tap out, I totally understand.”
“Aldi, I’m not tapping out and I’m not leaving you. Fucking look at me.” His eyes reluctantly met mine. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“I wouldn’t blame you if you needed space to process everything.”
“We’ve had enough space. I hope you’ll add me to the roster of people who you can call and vent to when like … you … think—”
“Using. You can say the word.”
“I don’t want to trigger you or say the wrong thing.”
“It helps to be honest. Call it what it is. I’m an addict.” Aldridge scrubbed his face. “Be real, how much am I scaring you right now?”
“I’m not scared.”
He raised a dubious eyebrow.
“I mean I am but not for the reasons you think. You being okay is important to me. And sometimes I think you take on too much and I just want to be able to lighten your load. You don’t have to always have it all figured out.
And when you’re struggling, and you feel vulnerable, I want to be your soft place to land.
Your judgment free soft place. I want you to know there is nothing you could do or say to make me stop loving you.
Because not even time or distance could do that.
So no, you’re not scary to me. I’m actually really tough.
I once fought off a guy who was trying to grab my purse.
I kicked him in the nuts and then slammed my palm into his nose, breaking it. ”
“You are so brave.”
“So brave.” We both shared a much-needed laugh.
“I’m sorry to dump all this on you.”
“I’m just happy you finally let me in. You know if you want, we can find the nearest NA meeting. I mean it’s only seven o’clock I’m sure we could find something.”
Aldridge nodded. “That would actually be … yeah that would be great.”
“Good, great. Thank you for trusting me with this.”
Aldridge pulled me closer, his lips trembled against mine, filled with all the words he still wasn’t quite ready to say. I never entertained the thought of walking away. If the last few months taught me anything it’s that we’re stronger together and I wasn’t going anywhere.