45. Asher
Asher
I’m not an emotional person. I never have been. I shut that shit down when I was young, I guess trauma can do that to you or something. I don’t know, I think I heard that somewhere.
But for some reason I’m unable to sleep after we all clean up and settle into bed. Rae is exhausted, rightfully so, and Grayson is too because the two of them seem to be asleep as soon as they lay down.
Not me.
My mind won’t stop.
I’ve never felt like this about someone before, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I admitted as much as I could earlier and I know she wants more, but I’ve never said those three words to anyone before.
Never.
My family didn’t love each other; that’s a fucking fact. My parents never told each other or me they loved me. My grandma was so in love with her religion and herself that was all that mattered to her. She made sure I knew it, and how I went against everything she believed in.
I heard Audrey and Charlie say they love each other once I moved in with them, but by that point it didn’t matter to me. I was an obligation to them, nothing more.
For the first time in my life, I actually feel it. Love. I just can’t bring myself to say it. I’m sure Grayson and Rae have said it to each other their whole lives. They probably say it to their family daily, then to each other.
I can’t take it anymore; I get up from the bed because sleep is clearly not happening for me any time soon, and I walk out to the living room of the hotel room.
I find myself standing in front of the floor to ceiling windows that look out onto the city.
From up here it doesn’t look much different from Denver, especially at night.
Both cities shine bright, which was something Seaside doesn’t have.
When I looked out there at night all I saw was the vast darkness of the ocean.
It felt fitting for me. The bright lights, a penthouse, this isn’t me.
“Asher?” Rae’s soft voice calls, and I see her standing in the doorway of the bedroom; she’s in the T-shirt I managed to pull onto her before she collapsed on the bed.
“Go back to sleep,” I turn back toward the window because I’m sure she’s too tired to fight with me.
Instead, I feel her arms tentatively wrap around my bare middle, and her head rests against my back. I relax, even though I didn’t realize how tense I was.
Turning around, I take her into my arms. “I made sure to tire you out. You had a big night. Go back to sleep.”
She shakes her head, but I can see her eyes are fighting to stay open. “Not until you do.”
“You have Grayson to cuddle with,” I say sharper than I intend.
“It’s not the same if you’re not there too.”
Her words hit me harder than I realize. They’re so simple, but everything with her has so much more behind it.
“Are you okay?” she questions gently.
I look back toward the window, my head dropping with a sigh. “I don’t belong in your world, Rae. I don’t know why you want me in it.”
She shakes her head, forcing my gaze back on hers. “Yes you do. Most of all I want you in my world. Why don’t you believe that?”
I hesitate; I never talk about my past, and I wonder if she’ll look at me differently once I do. But maybe that’s exactly what needs to happen. Leading her over to the coach, I sit down and pull her onto my lap.
“What do you know about my childhood?” I ask because I’m sure our families have talked. Conversations I’ve never cared to know about, but I’m sure she knows something.
Rae shrugs. “That you’re Audrey’s half-brother she didn’t know about until right before you moved in with her.”
I clench my jaw, because of course she would hear that story and not that Audrey knew about me, but never talked to me or anything before she was forced to. That’s something I have to work out with my sister, not Rae.
“We had the same dad. I don’t know what happened with him and her mom, but he was a real piece of shit to mine. They both were addicts. I can’t remember a single time either of them hugged me, but I know every single time my dad laid his hands on me.” I clench my jaw at the memories of his fists.
Rae tenses, but lets me continue, lost in my need to explain to her why she shouldn’t want me in her life.
“They both died when I was ten, and I was brought to live with my grandma, my dad’s mom. At first, I thought it would be better. She would always talk about how much she loved my dad and how perfect he was, though I never knew why.”
I think back to that time, especially the first time I brought up that hitting his son wasn’t something she should be proud of.
“She was extremely religious. I quickly learned that because I didn’t believe the same and talked back to her that made me the enemy.
She wasn’t any better than my parents, but her abuse looked different.
” I shake my head, thinking about her punishments.
Being locked in a closet, the belt, forced to kneel on hard wood for hours.
“She died when I was fifteen, and I was relieved I’d never have to deal with her.
But at that point I didn’t believe family was anything good.
Audrey and Charlie took me in because they had to.
I got to see what a perfect life she had while mine had been shit.
You all had everything, and I just wanted to get away from it all. ”
I don’t even realize how tense I am until Rae tentatively runs her fingers through my hair, the blunt tip of her nails against my scalp is surprisingly calming.
“I don’t think they took you in because they had to. I’m sure they wanted to. She didn’t even know you existed. I’m sure she wanted to get to know you,” Rae tells me softly, but I can’t stop the scoff I let out.
“She knew,” I spit. “She didn’t want me to ruin her perfect little life she had.”
Rae rolls her lips together. “Why do you think that?”
“Because how would she not know about me? Our grandma mentioned her to me and what a fuck up she was. Always threatened I was going to turn out the same all the time.”
“Have you ever talked to Audrey about any of this?” She continues to run her fingers through my hair, and her voice is soft; I’m sure to try and keep me relaxed. It’s working, but it also helps to have her on my lap like this.
I shake my head. “No, we’ve never talked about the past.”
“Maybe you should.”
I don’t want to tell her that I don’t want to.
That I’m sure it’ll just lead to a pointless fight, but I don’t want to ruin this moment with her.
Or this night that is supposed to be all about her.
Instead of replying, I scoop her up with one arm, and she wraps her legs around my waist as I carry her toward the bedroom.
“Asher,” she whispers my name, and I pause, looking at her. Her blue eyes shine even in the dark. “I couldn’t imagine my life without you in it. I lo—”
I cut her off with my mouth on hers because I can’t have her say those words to me, not when I’m unable to say them back.
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to say them, but I kiss her in a way I hope she understands that I feel the same way.
She melts into my kiss as I carry her back to the bed, laying her down on it careful not to wake Grayson up.
We settle under the blankets, and she rests her head on my chest, keeping me trapped, which I’m sure is her plan, but I don’t mind. Having her in my arms actually helps quiet my mind. Or maybe it was letting out some of my past to her. Either way, I’m finally able to close my eyes and fall asleep.
Once we get back to Denver, it’s like we get back to normal life. Well, my new normal. Which is Rae telling Grayson and I she has to work and we’re a distraction.
She’s not completely wrong about that, but Grayson has his own job to get back to.
And me, well I have recovery and figuring out what the fuck I’m doing.
After a couple days where physical therapy has me pushing my limit, and then I go to the gym to completely wear myself out, I keep going back to my conversation with Rae. I want to see her, but she’s deep in working on her duet with Noah, who I guess is kind of a cool guy.
But I’m not going to think that if he keeps taking my girl away from me even if it is for work.
After going back and forth with myself, and a few more sleepless nights, I decide to do what Rae suggested and talk to Audrey. It may completely ruin the tiny semblance of a relationship we have. Because she doesn’t know everything I went through.
That’s how I end up at Audrey and Charlie’s condo. I want to stay home, but I push through because I know no matter what, if I’m staying in Denver, I’m going to see Audrey. Either we’re going to coexist or somehow actually have a relationship.
Unlikely, but we’re both adults now and never really talked about the one thing we have in common which is that we were born into the same unfortunate family.
“Hey, how’s it going?” Charlie opens the front door, and we slap our hands together in greeting as I walk inside.
“Pretty good.” I nod, taking in the condo like I always do, but I try not to let my judgment take over like it always does. I spend so much time at Rae’s house and in her world that I can’t really judge.
“Saw you in some pictures with Rae.” He raises an eyebrow. I just shrug. I don’t know what we’re telling people, or if we are saying anything at all.
“Wasn’t just me.” I shrug.
“Saw that too.”
“If you’re trying to get info out of him, you know you’re not going to.” Audrey closes her laptop she was on at the counter as we walk into the open kitchen and living room area.
“Do you expect me to walk in here and spill all my secrets or something?” I attempt to joke, but it comes out harsher than I intend.
“At least then you’d be talking.” Audrey folds her arms across her chest.
Charlie walks up to my sister, and I already feel the tense energy between us that always happens when we’re together. The one that leads to us arguing and why we’ve never been able to have a productive conversation.