35. Confessions of an Emotionally Stunted Twin
CONFESSIONS OF AN EMOTIONALLY STUNTED TWIN
I’m maybe stalling the inevitable in talking through everything with Kate and Ben, but sue me.
It’s not like I’m scared to talk about my feelings, it’s just…well, yeah I’m fucking scared.
She’s still here, joking with my family, smiling and drinking a fruity canned drink. She didn’t run away. She could be back in Tampa by now, but she’s still here, and that’s all I need.
I think I’ve been hiding this sense of anxiety that fills me on a nearly daily basis.
But when I’m with Kate, it quiets. I’m not sure how to tell her that without sounding insane.
Or asking her to be with me and my brother—openly in front of the world.
She’s been through so fucking much and I’m not sure if what I want to ask is even feasible.
She’s sitting across from me at the bonfire and she tilts her head, staring at me, before standing up and dusting off her legs.
“Gavin, can we take a walk?” she says.
“Ooo, someones in trouble,” Lincoln sing-songs and Ben smacks him in the chest.
She glances over at my brother, and even though I can’t see her face, I just know she’s reassuring him as she grabs my hand, interlacing our fingers and we begin walking down the shoreline.
Warm gentle waves caress my feet as my toes dig into the sand with each step, and we don’t speak until the laughter of my family is far behind us.
“So,” she says.
“So.”
She squeezes my hand and turns to face me. The moonlight kisses her feminine features as she stares at me. Her thumb rubs over my knuckles.
“We’re not just friends?” she asks, a small smile appearing on her face.
“No. We’re not just friends.”
“What does that make us then? What does this mean to you?”
I run my free hand through my hair and try to take a moment to collect my thoughts, unfortunately none of the eloquent words I want to say slip out of my mouth.
“It means I fucking love you, okay?”
She blinks at me a few times, shock taking over her features, before she tilts her head back up to look at me. Her eyes are crystalline as the Caribbean sea as she stares at me.
“You love me?”
“Yeah. I…God, I’ve never done this before, okay?”
She grabs my other forearm so that both of my hands are in hers and I can’t fidget.
“What does love mean to you?” she asks.
I wonder when she became a shrink, and I think about saying that, but that would be the part of me that self-sabotages things speaking.
“It means I hate when you’re not around.
It means that when you're with me I feel calm. The only other person who ever makes me feel that way is Ben, but it’s different with you.
I want to tell you my secrets, I want to share my day with you, and I want to learn more about art from you.
You’re beautiful and smart, and fucking complicated, but I like that.
I was happy being single, beyond content with it, but the thought of being single and not having you in my life makes me feel like shit.
The idea of you just thinking you’re our friend, of just thinking of me as a friend makes me want to scream.
You’re not my fucking friend, you’re so much more and I wanted to wait and make sure that it was something you wanted before I said anything.
But I knew that if I came here without you the whole time, I would be wondering what you were doing back home and if you were missing me too. ”
I take a deep breath, realizing I absolutely spilled my guts to her, and look down. A small tear falls down her cheek, and I use the back of my knuckles to wipe it away.
“I love you too and it also scares the shit out of me,” she says and it feels like I can exhale, like this fear I’ve been holding on to is washed away and I don’t have to worry anymore.
Instead, I grab both sides of Kate’s face and lean down so I can kiss her frantically.
She returns my kiss tenfold and I know without a doubt I’ve never felt a kiss like this. I didn’t know a kiss could feel like this, all the emotion of us spilling our feelings is wrapped up in this one press of our lips.
Her arms wrap around my neck and I slide mine down to her waist, lifting her off the ground and kissing her passionately.
We part from the kiss, our chests rising and falling as she hugs me and I hug her back.
“I’m scared that you two could break me worse than Will ever could. Please don’t break me, Gavin.”
“I won’t,” I tell her honestly.
Now that I have her in my arms, now that I know she feels the same, I’m never letting her go. Nothing will ever be this good, ever.
“I’m scared of what people will think.”
“My family will accept us. Your friends will. Fuck what anyone else thinks,” I say.
She nods against my neck. “I’ll try. For you and Ben, I’ll try.”
I place her down on the ground, leaning forward and kissing her again, before we part and stare at each other.
“What does this mean when we go back home?” she asks, biting her lip.
In the bedroom, I have no issue with taking control, setting the stage. Usually in life I don’t either, but navigating this relationship feels different.
“We make our own rules. We do what feels right. Our agreement was exclusive. Things stay that way. We take you on more dates for sure. We have more sleepovers, and no more of this ‘ just friends' bullshit.”
She smiles, grabbing my hand and squeezing.
“I can do that. Yeah, I can definitely do that,” she says, her head leaning on my shoulder as the beacon of the fire leads us back to my brothers.
My chest feels lighter. This lie no longer looming over me as I wrap an arm around my girlfriend’s shoulder and we drink way too much and I can’t control the grin on my face as we stumble back to the house as the night comes to a close.
Kate’s hands are gripping both mine and Ben’s shirts as she pulls me down for a kiss and then does the same with Ben.
“I’m a lucky lady,” she says, pure happiness radiating off of her. I feel guilty she hasn’t had a chance to really sit down and talk with Ben, but it seems like she’s ready to talk with her body. “I need you both so bad.”
“What do you want?” I ask her as Ben starts kissing his way down her collarbone.
“Both of you,” she whispers out and I shake my head, grabbing her jaw and kissing her.
“Gonna need more time for that,” I tell her, plus I’ll need her not to be drinking and love drunk when we both take her at the same time. “You want to be fucked so good you don’t even know what the word friends even means?” I ask, tugging on her hair and exposing her throat more for Ben.
“Fuck yes.”
“Then get on your back, Katherine. We’re gonna fuck that word out of you,” I tell her and she complies as we do just that.
The term friends with benefits gets completely fucked out of all of our systems.
“Kate,” I whisper, attempting to wake her up.
We stayed up too late fucking, even my thighs are sore. So much for renting a condo, hopefully no one in the family heard the noises coming out of our room last night.
Ben is pouting in the corner. Mostly because everything is settled with me and Kate and he hasn’t gotten to say his peace just yet.
“I’m sorry. You have all today,” I tell him.
“Kate, baby, you gotta wake up or we’re going to miss the boat,” I say, ignoring my brother’s petulance.
“Ugh. The boat,” she moans into the pillow.
I slap her ass, which just makes her groan even more. “I’ve got ginger ale and motion sickness patches for you, just in case.”
She lifts up from the pillow, her eyes slightly puffy as she looks around.
“Where are we?”
“My parents’ place. We didn’t make it over to the condo.”
“Oh god,” she groans. “Five minutes,” she whispers as she gets ready for the boat ride.
She puts on a bathing suit, puts on an insane amount of sunscreen and wears a long sleeve flowy cover up and pants, along with a massive sun hat and sunglasses.
When she comes out of the bedroom, she places a hand on her hip.
“What?”
“Nothing. You’re just fully protected from the sun.”
“Yes, as you two will be. Prepare to be sick of me when it comes to SPF. Ben, come here,” she says.
My brother hops out of his chair like his ass is on fire as she has him sit on the edge of the bed. She soothes sunscreen on his face like he’s a child and I can’t help but grin as I watch.
“Oh, don’t think you’re not going to get the same treatment in a few minutes,” she says, as she makes sure my brother’s ears are coated as well as the back of his neck.
“It’s nice,” Ben says, shutting his eyes, letting Kate do whatever she wants to him.
“See, Ben is such a good boy,” she jokes.
“Do we really need to go on the boat? We could just stay in all day,” Ben says, his hands lightly gripping the back of Kate’s thighs.
“You know, that’s a good idea.”
“Nope. We’re going on the boat. Sunscreen me up and let’s go. I don’t want to spend the next four months hearing every Sunday how we hid Kate away from the family and didn’t participate,” I say, knowing my family way too damn well.
Skipping out on a family activity is a sure fire way to have my mom up my ass, and she’s already going to be with her interest in Kate.
“I hate to admit it, but he’s right,” Ben grumbles as we switch places and she lathers me up. I won’t admit it, but it does feel kind of nice.
“Alright, now where do we need to go to catch this boat?” Kate questions as we climb down the deck and I point out to the ocean, where a catamaran is anchored in the distance.
“Uh?”
Ben laughs, grabbing her hand. “There’s a tender to take us there,” he says, as we walk in the previously made footprints in the sand and climb into the dingy.
Kate holds on to her sun hat as the small boat whips across the water to the back of the catamaran.
I get out first, helping Kate up the ladder, and my brother follows suit.
The second we’re on deck, my mother is ushering us over to the table and plying us with fruit enhanced water and nearly forcing us to eat a solid breakfast.
“I don’t need anyone passing out on the boat. Don’t think I didn’t hear you and your brothers stumbling into the house well past midnight,” she scolds with no heat.
There’s a lot I could say for my family, that they’re loud and invasive as fuck. But truthfully, I couldn’t be anymore grateful for the parents and siblings I have. I love them and I love Kate. Part of me can’t believe I still said it to her, that I said it to anyone.
There must be a stupid, not usually present smile on my face, because my mother stares at me, her eyes hidden behind sunglasses, but I can feel her happiness radiating through her.
She’s happy because she can feel my joy and that joy is in the form of the woman who’s covered every inch of her skin away from the sun, and my twin brother who helped me build the life I have today.
Maybe it’s a vacation bubble, or possibly I’m still living off the high of finally saying those three words, but the smile stays on my face for the rest of the evening as I spend the day with the people who mean the most to me in the entire world.