34. Double Your Standards
DOUBLE YOUR STANDARDS
Am I having a breakdown in this bathroom that looked like the beach threw up in it? Yes?
How the hell am I supposed to go out there and show my face when their mother just politely asked me if I’m fucking both of her sons. The answer? Yes, clearly I’m fucking them both, but are we more?
I’ll just die in this bathroom. At least there’s pretty baskets full of shells for me to admire in my last moments.
Here lies Doctor Katherine Janette Morley, cause of death? Embarrassment mixed with confusion.
Why…why the fuck did I agree to come on this trip? Part of it was post-pegging bliss with Ben and how sweetly he asked, in combination with the tender sex I had with Gavin when he initially asked me to go.
When I pulled away from the situation, my plan was to take a step back and just accept that this could never be anything more than it ever was.
And then…then I gave in, because I didn’t want this to end.
Then Gavin shocks me on the way here, saying we’re not just friends and then his mother asks me which one of her sons I’m fucking.
What a complete nightmare.
I’m scrolling on my phone, seeing when the earliest flight out of paradise is when there’s a little tapping of knuckles against the door.
“Kate, can I come in?” he asks.
I know it’s Ben, because Gavin wouldn’t have asked.
I take a deep breath, cracking the door open, and go back to sitting on top of the closed toilet seat.
“You okay?” he asks, getting down on his haunches and rubbing my thighs.
“I shouldn’t have come, Ben. This is…it’s too much.”
“My family or what Gavin said?” he asks, and I search his face before looking away.
“I don’t know, both.”
“If it’s about my family, that’s just how we express our love by giving each other shit. My parents aren’t blind and they aren’t judgmental. Even if I want to slap Lincoln right now, I really owe him a thank you for breaking them in when it comes to out of the box relationship dynamics.”
I clear my throat and look at him. “And what Gavin said?”
“I don’t know if talking about how I feel about you in the powder room is the best place, but I feel the same, Kate. You haven’t been just my friend for a long time. Is…do you not feel the same?” he asks, so softly if I wasn’t so intently watching him speak, I’m not sure I would have heard it.
I immediately run my hand through his hair before cupping his jaw.
“No, you’re right, we haven’t been just friends for a long time.”
He takes a deep breath of relief, nuzzling against my hand and squeezing my thighs tighter.
“Are you worried about what my family thinks, about what other people will think?”
I know my face is flushed; I hate admitting that I care what people think and instead of saying anything out loud, I just nod.
“Alright, well, I think that’s something we can work through, if you’re willing.”
Am I willing? The answer is a resounding yes. No one has ever made me feel the way these two do. I know Savannah and Chelsea won’t be going anywhere, so I shouldn’t give a shit about people who don’t affect my daily life.
“Now, what do you say we get out of this bathroom and get back to dinner? Gavin and I will protect you from our family,” he says, and I squint at him. I’m not sure there’s a human shield large enough to protect me from the Carlson family.
I put my hand in his, and it feels like I’m taking the biggest leap in this relationship. There’s still so much more to be said between the three of us, but if I want this to work, I’m going to have to put this fear to the side.
There’s not only the fear of what people will think, but also the fear that by giving my heart to both of them, if they break it, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to piece myself back together.
Deep down I know the fracture they would cause would be twenty times worse than the scars Will left behind.
If I fully commit myself to them, they truly have the power to destroy me.
It’s a horrifying notion, but the way Ben’s warm hand holds mine, and the soft press of his lips at the crown of my head soothes me, I know they’re worth the risk.
I said I wanted to live my life and I thought that exploring my sexuality was the way to do that. In a way it was, it led me to Ben and Gavin. But truly living feels like taking the risks, loving myself and opening myself up to loving others. I owe it to myself to try.
So even though I’m dreading the conversation at the dinner table, I take each step against the dark hardwood floors until I’m back in my seat. Polite smiles are directed at me, and Gavin’s hand lands on my lap, giving my thigh a reassuring squeeze.
“So what’s the plan for tomorrow?” Gavin says, acting like I didn’t have a complete melt down during dinner.
“Steve’s going to take us out for a catamaran and snorkel,” his dad says excitedly. “I was thinking about taking the spear fishing equipment. What do you think?”
“I think you’re sixty-eight years old and taking a weapon on a rocky vessel is a dumb fucking idea,” his wife snaps back and I smile.
“Damn, Maggie, can’t a retired man enjoy his life?” he says back.
“Yeah, only if he’s still alive to live it. No spearfishing.”
The older man grumbles as Aiden and Jessa talk about the snorkeling equipment and Lincoln worries about the safety of his children on the catamaran.
The chatter is loud and animated and even though I ran away from this earlier, it fills a hole in my chest. I instinctively knew this part of me was missing, but seeing it laid out at a table makes it so clear.
I’ve missed the banter of a family. Sure, growing up when it was me and my parents, it was quiet, but we still had our moments where we were the ideal family unit.
Then there was aunt Helene, and we were a family of two, but the sense of community and comradery that came along with being her niece was visceral.
When I married Will and his family became mine.
That one was the most contentious out of the three, but it was still a family.
There were inside jokes, memories, and laughter that connected us all.
It’s been years, Chelsea and Savannah have been my family, which I couldn’t be more grateful for, but this feels like a different sense of the word.
“You know, I was thinking about spearfishing tomorrow. Maybe dad can just so happen to watch while I’m doing it,” Ben says, his arm resting on the back of my chair.
“Benjamin, don’t you start with me,” his mother Maggie says.
“What?” Ben says innocently.
“Don’t what me. Don’t encourage him.”
“Just what we need, my children watching their grandpa get stabbed in the chest with a fish spear on our dangerous family excursion,” Lincoln deadpans across the table.
“That’s enough talk of fish spears. They’re banned from the catamaran. The picnic and drinks will be packed in the morning. Kate, do you have any drinking preferences?”
I shake my head, realizing I’m now part of the conversation.
“Nope, I like everything.”
“She sure does,” Lincoln whispers, and his wife clearly steps on his toe as he nearly jumps out of his seat.
I smirk to myself. Maybe I made the right decision to stay after all.
I don’t get a moment with Gavin alone, and that brief conversation with Ben in the bathroom was hardly enough to put me at complete ease.
Luckily, though, it’s just seven of us out on the beach now. Gavin and Aiden are getting the fire going as I sit with Jessa in beach chairs, my feet buried in the sand, waiting for Ben, Penny, and Lincoln to come back with drinks and snacks.
“You hanging in all right?” Jessa sweetly asks.
“Yeah, I think so?” I reply, it’s more of a question because truly I’m not sure.
I mean logistically, I’m alive and not running away. But mentally my head is still a mess trying to figure out how the rest of this weekend is going to go, let alone what life looks like when we’re back in Tampa.
“You know, I met the family on a trip to the vacation house, too. I like to think of it like a Band-Aid. You get it over with and then they become your family right away,” she says, her dark brown hair flying around her face from the sharp breeze flying over the waves.
I take a deep breath and appreciate her words. The idea of also inheriting a family along with letting myself really fall for Gavin and Ben is an enticing thought.
I may ogle Gavin as he stands next to his brother, joking and laughing while discussing the best way to start a beach fire.
Jessa clears her throat. “If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s fine. Aiden told me you’ve been having problems with your ex and, well, I’ve been there if there’s someone you want to talk to, someone who can understand the betrayal.”
I blink and turn and look at her. It feels wrong to unload on a somewhat stranger. But when I’m around Jessa and Penny, I feel like I do around Savannah and Chelsea. It’s a sense of ease and trust. That I can be myself without judgment.
“How did you stop worrying about getting your heart broken again?” I ask, low enough that I know Gavin wouldn’t hear.
Jessa nods a few times, like she’s curating the perfect answer.
“It’s difficult giving yourself to someone when you’ve been hurt before.
When I met Aiden, I had this crush and, of course, I was attracted to him.
Then the more I got to know him, the more I realized how gentle and kind he was.
I knew that even if I gave him my heart, even if we didn’t end up together forever, he would always treat me with kindness.
But lucky for me it worked out and I never have to think about that again. Aiden is my person.”
“I thought Will was a good person. I’m still not sure how we wound up here.
I’m afraid that if I let them in, the same will happen.
That it will be good at first and then at some point, the same thing happens.
We stop caring and fall into these routines we can’t get out of.
That the person who was once my world becomes the person who hurts me the most,” I say, not knowing why I’m getting so deep with her, but I need someone to talk to or I’m going to lose my mind.
Jessa taps my hand. “Maybe it’s time to double your standards, literally.” She laughs. “Gavin and Ben aren’t Will. Do they do any of the things that your ex would do?”
“No,” I shake my head. “I couldn’t see them going and getting another woman pregnant or staying with me out of duty. I also definitely don’t see them harassing me over company shares, so there’s that.”
Jessa blinks at me. “Oh, Kate, we have way more in common than you can imagine.”
She tells me about her father, and how he was never in her life but gave her shares of his company when he passed.
Her half-brother couldn’t stand it thinking the shares all belonged to him.
The relationship between her half-brother got so bad that she sold her shares to Aiden, making him the biggest share owner and him taking over the business and buying her brother out completely.
She doesn’t talk to her half-brother anymore, but it seems like he took that money and found something he enjoyed versus the obligation of continuing his father’s legacy.
It’s wild seeing how different and similar we are.
We make sure to exchange phone numbers, and I do the same when Penny comes back to the beach holding a basket full of supplies to make s’mores, while Lincoln and Ben are carrying the cooler.
Ben brings me a seltzer of some sort and leans over the back of the chair, wrapping his arms around my collarbone.
“You doing okay?” he asks with a kiss to my cheek.
“Yeah, I think I’m going to be fine,” I say, and I actually mean it.