Chapter Six
A utumn
Autumn stared at the man who’d just walked in the door as she willed herself to remember who he was, hoping that by taking in everything about him, she could spark some memory that was buried in a place she seemed unable to reach.
Earlier, she’d listened to the doctor ask her absurdly easy questions that should have rolled off her tongue without hesitation.
Instead, her mind seemed like a canvas, not blank, but smeared and spattered in paint colors she couldn’t name or recognize.
The experience had been terrifying, so much so that she wasn’t sure she’d even begun to process the feeling.
At least Autumn knew her name, but that was about the only thing about herself she could recall.
When she had successfully conjured up the information, it had been an almost automatic response, but at the same time there had been no memories attached to the name, no picture in her head of going to school and writing it down on a test or seeing it on a birthday card from when she was younger.
Everything in her mind existed in a fog of bewilderment.
It was scary and disorienting. To stay grounded, Autumn clung to the steady beeping of her heart monitor like a rope from a ship as she was tossed among the turbulent waves of confusion that threatened to drown her.
If her heart was beeping, at least that meant she was alive.
That was something to be grateful for, even if that life was one she seemed to know nothing about.
After staring for what felt like an eternity, Autumn finally found her voice.
“Who are you?” she asked the stranger who stood before her.
There was something about him that seemed familiar, but she couldn’t grasp it.
Perhaps she merely wanted him to be familiar so she could feel normal.
Though to be fair, she had no idea what her normal was anymore.
The man stepped toward her hesitantly, an air of hopelessness hanging about him that seemed incongruent with his features.
His shoulders slumped forward and his mouth turned down at the corners, but that was a stark contrast to the sharp nose, square chin, and large frame that projected strength as well as the blue-green eyes, crinkled slightly at the corner, that exuded nothing but kindness and affection toward her.
It was as though he was feeling the same tumult of emotions she was, and while she didn’t wish her current state on anyone, the thought brought her a little comfort. At least I’m not alone.
The man weaved a large hand through his long, wheat colored hair as he took a seat next to her. “Hi, Autumn.” He smiled, but it was shaky, looking as if it could slip off his face at any moment. “I’m Felix.”
He glanced at the doctor who was studying the interaction between the two of them, his eyes filled with uncertainty.
Doctor Finley seemed like a kind woman and she had explained all of Autumn’s injuries to her as plainly as possible, but Autumn still didn’t quite understand what was going on, only that she knew next to nothing about who she was.
Doctor Finley smiled at the man Autumn now knew as Felix. “You can keep going, but it’s best to not overwhelm her with too much information. Just stick to the basics.”
She turned and smiled at Autumn reassuringly, though it did little to squelch the feeling of panic that pinged around in her chest. Her mind was an empty bottle she wanted filled as quickly as possible if only to displace the loneliness she was feeling.
She wanted a lifeline, but even though she knew little else, Autumn realized that damaging her brain further was a bad idea.
Apparently, she was going to have to live with the slow and steady approach.
Felix turned back to her, his expression determined. “I’m your best friend and roommate.” His expression turned slightly hopeful as she let what he’d just told her sink in.
Autumn stared at him as she waited for that information to register.
She imagined a little brain cell dressed as a business intern running down to a storage cabinet and pulling out a file, only to find that it was empty.
No images or anecdotes from their shared past, no information to help her know what to feel, simply another blank page she would be relying on someone else to fill.
She stared at him a moment longer, scrutinizing his demeanor as she tried to determine whether or not she could trust him.
The logical side of her was absent, but every fiber in her body leaning toward his made her feel as though the answer to her unspoken question was yes.
Despite the heavy mood hanging over the room like a dark cloud and his own defeated posture, there was still a lightness about the man that lessened her panic.
It was barely there, but when the world was a great unknown and your life felt equally uncertain, every little bit felt significant.
Autumn tried for a smile, but wasn’t sure she quite pulled it off. “Hi, Felix.”
At the sound of her voice, his eyes sparkled, yet his face remained slightly haunted.
Once again, she was hit with that sense of aching familiarity that had come over her before.
His eyes were beautiful, and as they peered over at her, there was a longing there she felt all the way down to her bones.
It was the same feeling she had about needing to know more about herself.
She wanted so badly to remember who this man was and what they were to one another so that she could say anything to wipe that pitying look off his face, but her memory was still as absent as it had been before he entered the room.
The longer they stared, the more the loneliness written all over his face pierced her soul.
Is this how it would always be? A hollowness never to be filled, her heart empty of all she’d loved before?
Autumn felt her lip wobble before the first tear fell, and soon she burst into a sob, burying her face in her hands to hide from the shame and disappointment she felt.
“I’m sorry,” she cried, her voice trembling.
Strong arms wrapped around her, and as frightening as it was to be surrounded by virtual strangers, to know nothing about the world you’d woken up in, something about the intimate way Felix held her felt right enough that she sunk into his chest and let him attempt to soothe her worries, her body relaxing even as she sobbed against him.
Autumn’s mind may not remember him, but clearly her body recognized the man.
While she may still feel like she was being tossed around in a sea of uncertainty, Autumn felt safe in the knowledge that someone was there to hold her through it.
Felix cradled her head gently as Autumn cried into his shoulder, the front of his shirt becoming soaked with her tears.
“It’s okay, Auts,” he crooned at her. Rubbing her back, he continued to make shushing noises as her body slowly stopped shaking from the emotional release. “We’ll figure this out. I promise.”
Autumn knew a sum total of zero about the man whose arms encircled her and whether or not his words would ever come true, but hearing the conviction in his voice helped to end her crying jag. She sniffled as she pulled back, brushing the wet spot she’d created on his shirt. “Sorry I cried on you.”
Felix smiled at her. It was slightly less precarious than before, and it helped soothe her frayed nerves and weary body ever so slightly.
“No worries. It’s not the first time it’s happened, and it probably won’t be the last,” he said affably.
His eyes lit up again, giving her hope that her life wasn’t a complete, unmitigated disaster, but only just. Glancing down at his arms that were still around her, he balked and moved back into the seat next to her bed. “Sorry.”
Autumn didn’t tell him that it was okay if he stayed there, that his arms around her had her feeling secure and protected for the first time since she’d woken up in the stark white box that was her hospital room.
The nurse had referred to Felix as her emergency contact, so clearly she trusted him with her life, and he’d said that he was her best friend, but she didn’t really know that.
Her body seemed to relax around him, but she wasn’t certain she felt confident that was enough at the moment.
It seemed as if she was just going to have to trust herself, her past self that is, and hope that because she’d counted on Felix before, she could let herself do it again.
Ignoring her still somewhat troubled thoughts, Autumn merely nodded at Felix before turning back to the doctor. “What happens now?”
The woman spoke to the two of them about hospital procedures, discharge timelines, and best practices to help her memory return.
Autumn tried to listen intently, but she kept getting distracted when she would see Felix reach for her hand with his, only to draw it back looking downtrodden.
She was happy that he was respecting her boundaries, but for some reason it also made her feel guilty.
None of what had happened to her had been in her control, and she’d felt so alone when she’d regained consciousness after her surgery, but something about seeing Felix curl into himself like that gutted her nearly as much as hearing the details of her accident and subsequent injuries had.
Reaching out slowly, Autumn patted the back of his hand, the hair near his wrist soft and springy against her dry fingertips.
The simple touch seemed to help his mood, but when he flipped his hand over to hold hers, she withdrew it, not ready to accept his touch again just yet.
He nodded with understanding and looked back to the doctor, but the look of disappointment in his eyes was unmistakable.
Felix was either ridiculously easy to read, or she knew him better than she could identify.