Chapter 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven
ZOE
Mate. Am I Sebastian’s mate? I stare at the ceiling, alone in my room, feeling cold and lonely. I miss Seb. I miss his warmth. I miss his steadiness.
It was just sex. Don’t mistake lust for love, the spider says. Her voice is so strong now, and the little sleep I’ve gotten since I left Seb’s side has been polluted with her dark presence.
“Shut up!” I yell. “It was never just sex!”
You’ve known him for eleven days. It couldn’t be anything more than that. He’s a dream. He’s a story you’ve made up in your mind.
“Maybe it is fast. And maybe it won’t be forever. But even if these feelings I’m having aren’t permanent, they’re real. He was never just a hookup. He’s brave and he’s good and he treats me like a queen. Even if it’s not forever, it could be the start of forever, and I’m willing to give it a shot.”
There is one way to tell. You could ascend to the Gold Room and use your power to look into the future. You would know in minutes whether or not your relationship works out. You could peek in on your future children. You could know if this seed of love for him might actually last.
“No. I’m not doing that. I only ascended to help Seb. I don’t use for personal gain anymore.”
She laughs. To help him? After he violated your privacy and your autonomy? He brings you here, of all places. A free home completely under his control. Sounds more like a trap. You’re not his mate. You’re his prisoner.
“That’s not true.”
Oh? Just try to go to Beltane without him. See what happens.
I throw the covers off me and stomp to the shower.
I need to wash the filth off me. The filth of that ring.
Of my addiction and her chilling, spidery voice.
Of the way I jumped into something with Seb I don’t completely understand.
Of how I hurt him last night, rejected him, when deep in my heart, I do feel an attachment to him, one that shouldn’t be possible in such a short time.
I step into the spray and let the hot water pour over me, wishing it could take my skin off and I could grow back a different person.
I remember hitting rock bottom with gold dust, but I don’t remember ever feeling this low.
It’s like I’ve been dropped into a deep, dark well.
I can see a tiny circle of light above me that must be my one-time happiness, but reaching it seems impossible.
The walls are slick. I may never climb out again.
But I force myself to go through the motions of life anyway.
I learned this the first time. The shower, brushing my teeth, eating, dressing, doing my hair, spraying on perfume.
If I look normal and act normal, and I cross off the days standing between me and gold dust, eventually, normal will be normal, and the dust will become a distant memory once again.
My living room is filled with boxes from my apartment.
Patrick offered to put anything I wanted into storage, but I haven’t had a moment to unpack.
But I find one marked closet and dig out my Beltane dress and saddle-brown ballet flats.
It’s a flowy, hunter green maxi dress featuring peonies and pomegranates in a pattern of spring greens.
I wear it for Beltane every year. I fasten the necklace my mother gave me for the season around my neck, the gold disk that dangles between my collarbones depicting a rudimentary engraving of a maypole.
I take a quick look in the mirror before digging out my leather backpack-style purse and throwing my wallet, phone, and some essentials into it.
At the last second, I toss in a notebook and a pen. I promised to help Seb, and no matter what is happening between us, I plan to make good on that promise. And that means I’m not going to miss the chance to research some things in my parents’ magical library.
In the late afternoon, I head up to the big house and hear voices coming from the dining room.
“With any luck, it won’t last long. Because I am personally going to hunt down Roman Cifarelli, and I’m going to cut the Saint’s Order off at the knees,” I hear Seb say. Why does that name sound familiar?
“What about the witch?” another voice says. “Can she help protect you?”
“No. I won’t ask any more of her. It’s killing her. We need to find another way.”
“Sounds like you’ve come to care for the woman. Are you making the right decision for dragons…or for her?”
“It’s my call, Lucas. Yes, I care for her. I’d go so far as to say I love her.”
The other voices hiss.
“Happy? That’s what you wanted, for me to admit it, yes?”
“Does she feel the same way?” the voice asks softly, almost a whisper.
“No,” Seb says. “She has rejected the bond. So, you see, I have no problem being the one to go after Roman, come what may.”
“Damn it. I’m sorry, Seb. That’s awful.”
“No wonder you look like shit.”
I stiffen, not even daring to breathe. It’s true I got angry and left. Things were moving too fast for me. But I didn’t reject him. What exactly is he signing up for?
I clear my throat and stride the rest of the way to the dining room, not surprised when the voices I heard before go silent. Seb looks like hell. He’s got dark circles under his eyes, and his hair stands up in wild tufts. And when he looks at me, his eyes go dead. No spark. No gold.
“Hi,” I say to the room.
Seb stands, his full attention focused on me. “You look beautiful. Stunning, really.”
“Thanks, but…”
“Let me introduce you to my two brothers, Ellison and Lucas.”
“Nice to meet you,” I say politely, then I turn back to Seb. “I was wondering if I could get a ride to my parents for Beltane?”
He stands. “I’ll take you. Let me get changed.”
See. He’ll never let you out of his sight, the spider says.
“Actually, I think it would be better if you could just have your driver take me, if that’s all right. I know how busy you are.”
His face falls, the beaten-dog expression taking over. It’s like each of my words has been a knife in his gut.
“My apologies. I thought maybe…because you’d asked me—”
Oh, that’s right. I did ask him. Instantly, I feel like a huge jerk, and I’m about to renege and ask him to come with me. But he’s already pulled out his phone. “William will meet you at the front door in five minutes.”
“Thank you.” I walk away, my heart heavy.
If he’d wanted to go with you, he would have tried harder to come, the spider says.
Shut up. You were wrong. I’m not a prisoner, and he is letting me go, I think back to her.
My heart squeezes painfully. I wanted Seb with me tonight, and once again, I’ve made a choice based on a lie my addiction told me.
Now, I’m stuck with the consequences. Yanking Seb’s chain and asking him to go now would just confuse things.
I see William pull up outside and open the door, but Ellison’s whispered voice comes through the wall. “Are you really going to let her leave? Alone?”
“She’ll be safe with her kind tonight. Besides, she’s a witch, not a dragon.”
“But how will you stand it?”
I walk out the door to Seb’s low growl.
An hour later, I arrive at my parents’ house just as the sun begins to set. When William drops me off, he gives me his number and promises to stay in the area until I’m ready to go. I walk up to the door alone, the smoky scent of bonfire flavoring the air.
For a second, I just stand there, listening to the voices inside.
It’s been a long time since I was welcome to enter this house without knocking.
A long time since I called this place home.
But as I raise my fist to rap on the heavy farmhouse door, emotion catches in my throat.
I wish I were a person they could be proud of.
I wish I weren’t keeping secrets from them even now.
The door opens, and I’m surprised when I see Jeremy standing on the other side.
He gives me a warm smile. Jeremy is only four years older than me.
When I was a freshman in high school, he was a senior, and as witches, we grew up in the same circles.
Only, he decided to pursue psychiatry, while I pursued my music career.
And now, he’s my doctor. It’s weird, though, to see him in social situations like this.
“There’s our girl,” he says with a shake of his sandy brown hair. “We were wondering when you would arrive. But where’s the dragon?”
“Excuse me?” I ask. How would Jeremy know about Seb?
“Your mom told me you were working for a dragon and that he’d be coming tonight.”
A flare of hostility goes off inside me, shadowed by a ring of protectiveness. It’s a deadly time for dragons right now. Not that I don’t trust Jeremy or my mom, but why is that relevant?
“Who told you my boss was a dragon?” I say lightly. “And he couldn’t make it. Something came up.” I shrug.
“He’s not a dragon?” Jeremy asks. “Your mom seemed to think—”
“Oh, Jeremy. You know Anita. She always has to have something to talk about.” I roll my eyes.
“All you need to know about my boss and my new job is that it’s going great.
I’ve never felt more creative or productive.
And I am looking forward to thanking the goddess tonight for the fruits of all the hard work we put in to get me to this point.
” I give him my warmest stage smile and walk past him toward the back of the house, where I know my family will be.
Jeremy strides along with me. “So, what have you been working on?”
“I don’t want to talk about work,” I say.
I’ve planned this. I knew he would ask, and I don’t want to lie, so I prepared the truths I could share.
I look him in the eye and say, “Suffice it to say that I planted a seed this week that I hope will grow into the most beautiful tree, and I’m just not ready to expose that seed to the sun.
It needs time in darkness. I’ll share when I’m ready. ”
He frowns. “There shouldn’t be secrets between us, Zoe.”
I snort. “Why? Because you’re my therapist? I don’t think that’s how it works.”