Chapter 6 #3
“At current count, six of them have woken up thus far. To my dismay, more will be waking up sooner than later. Only one has a reputation, but according to the idiot in the corner, that’s normal.
The first one wakes up hungry, rampages a bit, and the rest are a bit more leisurely about getting out of bed, which means the wise are prepared with a herd or two of cattle to toss at them while they’re waking up.
The nasty business in Georgia was necessary, alas. Try not to let it worry you.”
If she thought I wouldn’t be worrying, she was crazier than her husband, and I’d already gotten a glimpse at the Devil’s insanity. Rather than call her out, I drew a steadying breath and replied, “As long as I’m not required to feed my cattle to a dragon, this is fine.”
“Your pets are fine,” she assured me. “The dragons can afford their feeding bills, I promise. How is the little colt you rescued doing?”
“Zenzi is taking good care of him from the looks of it. When I brought them in for the night, he seemed lively.” I would have a lot of work ahead of me taming the beast, but I held some hope the loaned mare would teach him his manners before I started earnest work with him.
“Are you someone I can talk to about a small issue?”
“Sure. What do you need?”
“Did Lucifer make any progress on registering my colt?”
“He did. The previous owner put up a fuss, but the paperwork has been filed. The colt’s registration name is Long Shot Once in a Blue Moon, as the asshole doesn’t see any value in the horse.
I recommend that you call him Moon for his barn name.
For the record, that’s the name picked after Lucifer started posturing and making promises about what would happen if the idiot gave that poor foal a shitty name. ”
Did drama follow Lucifer like a demented puppy—or worse, my frizzle? “Please thank him for me. If you could email me with the registration information so I can track it, that would be appreciated. After dumping a colt without even trying to find him a nurse mare, I don’t trust him.”
“I wouldn’t trust him, either. But don’t you worry about that waste of air. Lucy promised a rather long and extended visit to the dungeons should he try anything. Moon is yours, and that’s that.”
I narrowed my eyes. “I will need to ward my place against theft, it seems—especially the theft of my livestock. If anyone does anything to my animals, I’ll be earning a trip straight to hell for some discipline.”
The Devil’s wife laughed. “You’re going to have to try harder than that if you want a round in the dungeons as a fucking asshole. However, arrangements can be made if you want to be the discipline.”
I sucked in a breath. “If someone hurts my animals, I can discipline them in hell?”
“Absolutely.”
“I want first crack at animal abusers, please. Can you get that written into my performance bonuses? If I do a good job, I relieve some of my frustrations. I’m sure I can be violent under the right circumstances.”
The first and last time I’d socked someone, a boy in my class had kicked a dog.
I’d knocked his lights out, earning a suspension for three days.
Upon learning the kid had kicked a dog, he’d gotten a ten day suspension and a day in court for animal abuse.
My suspension had been stricken from my record.
His had been upheld, and he’d been given a warning he might spend some time in juvie should he continue his unbecoming behavior.
Darlene made a satisfied sound. “There is always room in the dungeon for those wanting a round with the animal abusers. I’ll make certain that incentive is written in for you. Have you had dinner yet?”
“I was about to start making something. What that something is is to be determined.”
“How does pizza sound?”
“Pizza sounds like I don’t have to cook.”
“I’ll be over in ten minutes, and I’ll even bring the lout and put him in one of your corners so you can enjoy his downfall, too.”
Before I had a chance to say anything, Darlene hung up.
Having ten minutes to work with, I accepted she’d be meeting me at my worst, took the time to wash my face and hands again, and pulled out three plates and cups, and went to work making a pot of tea.
With five minutes to blow, I went out to the chicken coop, retrieved the frizzle, and decided to indulge the pullet until dinner was over.
A few moments after I released the beast on the kitchen floor, Lucifer appeared with a succubus with spotted, feathered wings and a snow leopard’s distinctive tail. The succubus held a box of pizza up in the air as though it were a priceless treasure.
The pair stared at the chicken, who waddled over to them and threw herself against the Devil’s feet.
“I will rip your horns off if you steal my bird,” I informed him, placing my hands on my hips. “That chicken is mine.”
The Devil stared down at his feet. “What are you doing to your animals? Animals should not like me.”
“You abused your brother so she’d feel better. Why wouldn’t she like you?”
“I am the Devil, Crystal. Most animals don’t like me all that much.
I took precautions at the feed store to minimize the consequence of my presence.
” He eyed my frizzle. “What the hell kind of chicken is this? She looks like she stuck her beak in an electric socket. I thought my brother healed those wretched fiends.”
“She’s the frizzle, Lucifer.”
“Right. I forgot about the frizzle. I just wasn’t expecting her to look so…”
“Frizzled?” I suggested with a grin.
He sighed but nodded.
Darlene laughed, headed to the counter, and set the pizza box down.
“Don’t mind him. It’s been a long day, and he’s been trying to unravel future possibilities for most of it.
His brain probably looks a lot like your chicken right now.
She’s wretchedly ugly yet adorable, though. I’d be bringing her inside, too.”
“She cried when I left her in the coop. I’m going to have an indoor chicken at this rate, and I don’t have a bed for an indoor chicken.”
With a hiss, Darlene turned to her husband. “Indoor chicken bed, now.”
The Devil wisely teleported away in a flash of golden light.
The succubus smirked, bounced over to me, and engulfed me in a hug.
“You’re a delight. You’re new, and you’re already driving Lucy absolutely wild.
I can’t wait until you’re fully settled and can join the rest of the minions.
He’s told me it’ll be a while, though. I’m not sure why, but I’ve learned to accept it when he fully puts his foot down.
He’s being secretive about you, and I’m not sure why. ”
“Secretive? How? He’s just showing up in public and threatening to send people to hell if they piss him off.”
Darlene bowed her head and sighed. “He’s always like this. He’s either sullen, energetic, or chaos incarnate, and he’s being chaos incarnate today. Dare I ask what else he’s done?”
“He bought me the trailer. He claims I’m being punished. Yes, I’m being punished with a trailer big enough for four horses and a nice tiny apartment I can live in when I’m going to races.”
“That idiot.”
“If my punishments involve being given really nice trailers, I really don’t mind.”
“It’s not a punishment if you like it,” she replied with a laugh.
“Don’t worry about it. Lucy is all about the balance right now, so he must feel you’re due good fortune.
You’re probably a goody-goody. Goody-goody girls get the best toys when my idiot of a husband is involved.
Goody-goody girls also get the best boys. ”
I spent a few long moments thinking about the tall, dark, and handsome from the feed shop. “Does he gift wrap the best boys?”
“Only if the best boy is an incubus, an escort, or can be convinced. As such, nobody gets their men wrapped often, forcing the goody-goody girls to get rough. It would solve a lot of problems should he just let us throw the people we want together at each other and let the problems solve themselves. Without clothes, of course. That helps with the problem resolution.”
I stared. “That won’t work with me, by the way.”
“Yeah, I could guess judging from your status as a virgin. Lucy does like corrupting the virgins into frequent indulging. It’s a devil thing. Demons, too. Really, we just love spreading the joy.”
I reminded myself I was being paid a fortune to put up with the Devil and his family. “I don’t suppose you know anything about this dragon that has a castle in the lake?”
“He’s not bad as far as dragons go. He’s trainable.
There’s a lot to be said about trainable men of any species.
You should have at least a few months before he comes calling, maybe longer, so enjoy the freedom while it lasts.
If you need a little work to keep you busy, I’m sure we can figure something out, although it looks like you’re keeping yourself busy enough without help. You have how many chickens?”
“Close to a hundred,” I admitted. “I do use magic to help with my chores, though. It’s one of the benefits of being a hedge witch. With a little elbow grease on my part, things tend to go mostly right around here when it comes to the plants and animals.”
“You have an impressive number of wards in place, that’s for certain. If I’m not mistaken, you have one that lets you cuddle with alligators?”
“Alligator cuddling has happened a time or two,” I confessed. “It was the only way I could go near the lake without risking life or limb. I quite like the lake, and I enjoy alligators when they aren’t trying to eat me.”
“I’m just saying, you probably shouldn’t try to claim the dragon as a pet.”
I raised a brow at her. “If his castle proves to be uninhabitable, I’m pretty sure if he stays at my house, he’s my pet dragon.”
The Queen of Hell blinked, and after a few moments, her brows furrowed. “You know what? I can’t argue with that, can I?”
“You really can’t. Let’s eat all the pizza before Lucifer gets back, then we can make him go fetch us more so he can have some,” I suggested.
“I like the way you think.”