Chapter 30
Oh, Honey
Cam
Before he and Allie left the room, Cam barely had time to hug Odie before Dette grabbed him and dragged him away from the reunion, only to mutter, “Are you going to make a move on Allie, mijo? You know, in some way other than hovering around her like a thundercloud?”
“We haven’t... moved... together since the bunker. Well, since the truck crapped out.” He grimaced. “I’m going to wait for her to let me know what she wants.”
Dette snorted. “Oh, honey.”
Ugh. Dette’s oh honeys were lethal, guaranteed to make him feel three feet tall.
“You’re so capable in so many areas of life,” she continued. “Luckily, it’s only with women that the stupid comes out.”
“She’s got other options. It would be selfish for me to... to... I don’t know. Try to keep her.”
“Then what is all that dog-in-the-manger shit with Zachary?” The look on his face must have been miserable enough that she moved out of oh-honey and into mom mode. “Laurel fucked you up good and proper. But Allie’s not Laurel.”
“She’s... fragile. I don’t want to hurt her.”
This time, Dette outright laughed. “Fragile? She’s had plenty of reasons to avoid people, so she was brave as hell to even come out of that hidey-hole of a bunker.
Ever since she’s been with you, she’s shown you what a badass she is.
Hell, she’s worn herself out trying to show us that we should keep her—all the while half expecting us to ditch her most of the time.
Then she defused a full-on impending battle between two groups of innocent people by walking up and telling them a joke. Dios mio, what more proof do you need?”
Cam swallowed, but before he could answer, she sighed and stepped closer. “She’s not swinging a battle-ax, but don’t confuse that with weakness or fragility. Seems like it’s past time for you to come to terms with your fragility. Show her you’re worthy of her.”
She paused and gave him a loving, pitying look. “Allie’s heart is yours to lose at this point. Don’t be stupid.”
Then she patted his cheek and walked back to the group.
Cam went back to Allie, still gobsmacked by that parting bit as they headed out of the lab and down the hall toward their room.
“That was a lot,” Allie murmured.
Christ, was it ever. “I’m glad they got some of their old shit out. That’s going to make things less tense while we’re here.”
“Mal really doesn’t seem to like you.”
“He doesn’t and never has. As far as he’s concerned, I’m a juvenile-delinquent poor-little-white-boy who should have been turned over to the proper authorities. He told Key adopting me was going to bring them nothing but trouble.”
“What an asshole.” Allie’s indignant glare made him smile a little.
What more proof do you need?
Cam sighed. “He wasn’t all wrong, though. If you recall, I was a pretty messed-up kid.” He led them through the hallways and up the stairs to the dorms. “Our room should be down this hallway.”
“Cam, you know Key and Odette love you. You’re their son.”
“Not to Malcolm.” Never to Malcolm. “I’ve made my peace with that, mostly, but it hurts Key that he doesn’t accept me.
And when Key’s hurt, Odette feels it, and then I want to break his damn face.
” Cam sighed then opened a door to their left.
“Hopefully, we won’t have any flare-ups between us while we’re here. ”
They stepped into their room, a typical dorm situation with bunk beds and a desk and chair but with the addition of a mirror and a dresser that held some basic hygiene products —deodorant, facial wipes, hand lotion, hand sanitizer, wide-toothed comb—plus a basket of snacks and bottled water.
Cam was gratified to see a small window looking out on the lawn and other buildings. Too much time inside four walls without seeing the outside made him antsy after traveling in the open for so long.
Allie looked around. “Wow. Definitely feels like I’m eighteen and back at U of I, worried about my first day of classes.
” She paused. “Does the Plant have contact with anyone in Champaign? Did the university get overrun? It’s only two hours south of the city.
That’s one of the reasons I ended up going there.
” Her mouth went sad. “Close to family.”
His chest tightened. “I don’t know. But that’s a good question we can ask Malcolm. Tomorrow.”
Allie nodded and went to stand at the window, holding her elbows. “It’s nice to have a view. I got used to being underground after a while, but it would be hard to go back now that I’ve been outside so much.”
Cam wanted to go to her, put his hands on her tense shoulders, but he kept his distance, sensing there was more she wanted to say. Instead, he said, “Me, too, but I kind of miss the bunker.”
She turned to him, her arms still a barrier between them. “Same. But I miss it because it was the last place we were really able to be together. Before everything crashed down on us.”
It was the opening he’d been waiting for.
“Allie, I need you to know that I’m sorry I freaked out yesterday.
I respect what you can do—so fucking much—but I don’t know if I’m ever going to get used to you risking your life every time you seek something like that.
” He sighed, swallowed hard. “When Laurel would fight, I would watch her rush out into things head-first, like you did yesterday. It scared me every time, worrying that she’d get hurt or worse. ”
“I’m not Laurel,” Allie said, a decided edge in her voice.
Her arms were on her hips now. Angry Allie was something new.
“I know that she was this perfect warrior-goddess, but that’s not me.
” She snorted. “I mean, I have heard so much about her, you know? Every now and again, someone will say something about some cool shit she pulled, or they’ll look at me and say how glad they are that you’re finally over her.
” She glared at Cam. “I am beyond sick of hearing about Laurel Goddamned Motherfucking Jennings!”
The fire in her eyes, the flush in her cheeks, had his emotions all mixed up—shame for bringing up Laurel again, fear of driving Allie away, arousal at how magnificent Allie was in this moment. How had he ever thought her fragile?
Cam took a deep breath. “I need to get out something else about my relationship with her. Because you’re right to be pissed—you deserve better—but I have to clarify. Please.”
Allie raised one hand in an impatient gesture, a queen humoring a courtier.
Choose your words carefully, Hale. “I loved her, but I’m not sure why.
I keep asking myself what I loved about her most, and everything I come up with is battle- or sex-related.
” The shame that seeped into him then was for the idiot he’d been.
“I don’t think I ever knew her favorite color or even her favorite food.
I don’t remember any conversations with her, really—she thought talking about anything but the next day, the next step, the next move, was pointless.
Sex and fighting. Shared trauma from the Zs. That was all we really had.”
Allie raised her eyebrows and crossed her arms over her chest. “So?”
“So.” Cam shook his head. “She didn’t want my love, and I refused to believe that.
I thought if I was there for her, she’d finally work out whatever shit she was dealing with.
That was on me, not her.” Struck by that, he remembered what Jessie had said back when Allie was still recovering.
You cannot fix this woman’s problems. Jessie had said that because she’d borne witness—as had everyone in their whole group—to how he’d tried to “fix” Laurel.
I am such a fucking dumbass.
He could see it all so clearly now, and when he considered Allie’s perspective, it was even worse. “God, I was pathetic.”
Allie sighed and shifted her weight a little. “Not pathetic. You cared about her. You like helping people, caring for them. You wanted to take care of her.”
“I did. I wasted a lot of time trying to get her to let me in.” Cam took a step toward her, heartened when she didn’t move away.
“Allie. You’re out in the real world now, not the bunker.
You’re part of our group—our family—and that’s the case whether you and I—I mean, you’ve met lots of other survivors now.
Obviously, I’m not your only option when it comes to. .. companionship.”
Her mouth sagged open.
He barreled on, even though the words were like acid. “Zachary likes you. Hell, Mal was hitting on you.”
Allie narrowed her eyes a little. “Mal likes messing with you. I doubt much of that was about me.” She seemed to be ignoring the Zachary part.
How could she not understand? “Angel,” Cam said, unable to keep the melting need from his voice. “Have you seen you?”
“Not recently.” Then she blinked. “I haven’t had a mirror. Oh, fucking hell. My hair probably looks like a rat’s nest.” She put up her hands as if to fix it, looking over toward the mirror, and he moved closer to her.
“Missing the point.” He gently took her hands in his, stilling their restlessness. “It’s not only how you look,” he said. “It’s how you are. It’s what you are. You... shine. I’ve never seen anything like it.”
Her eyes, brown and full of confusion, fixed on his now. He wanted to drown in them. Forget the rest of the world.
She frowned, but she didn’t pull away. “‘Mixed’ is an understatement when it comes to these signals, Cam. Are you trying to tell me you want me, or are you trying to tell me you want me to be with someone else?”
“Allie.”
“No more bullshit, Cam. No more hiding behind our baggage, no more letting the past factor in. What do you want?”
He licked his lips, leaning in. “Angel. For the record, I want you. In every possible way.” His voice went low, raspy.
“But if you don’t want me like that—if you want to be friends?
Allies? Partners?” He nodded, keeping his eyes steady on hers.
“I’ll be that. I want you in my life. Period.
But I’m ready to do that on your terms, not mine. ”