Chapter Twenty-Three #2
“I think you’re doing a great job,” she says shyly. “Kara’s been having a hard time and is not really herself. But before her parents died, she always talked about how cool you were and how much she wanted to be like you when she was older. She loves you.”
The words hit hard. My chest tightens. I wish more than anything that she had just opened up to me. I need to find her. “Thank you, Olivia. That means a lot. You’re a sweet girl. I know how much Kara values your friendship.”
“You’re welcome,” she says.
“I’m almost at the house,” I tell them. “Keep me updated if you find anything.”
“Same to you,” Sam replies.
I end the call as I pull into the driveway of the A-frame.
The place looks hollow, like it’s holding its breath.
I open the front door slowly, not wanting to startle Kara if she’s inside.
I pray she is. Room by room, I begin my search.
I even check the closets. When I step outside to check around the house, I already know she’s not here.
My heart sinks with the terrible feeling that I’ve let my family down.
How did it get to this point? What could I have done differently?
A thousand ideas rush in, each one useless now. None of it matters if I can’t find her.
I text Sam. She’s not here.
The words feel like defeat. I get back in the car and start driving. Then, like a spark in the dark, it hits me. The one place I should have checked first.
When I finally get to Memorial Park, the sun is lowering, painting the sky in amber and rose. The October light can make everything look nostalgic, even grief. The trees are on fire with color, leaves crunching underfoot as I start down the path along the pond.
The park is alive with life this evening.
Dogs are tugging at leashes, couples relax on blankets cuddled up in conversation, as other people stroll through laughing and chatting in their privacy.
I continue along the path with ducks resting on the pond.
As I pass more people, the scene tugs at my memory of Annie’s surprise birthday picnic that Bill once orchestrated with family and friends.
I still see her laughter when she realized it was all for her.
One of the reasons I chose this park for the trees and bench.
As I’m walking, my first thought is that if she’s here, I’m going to yell at her for scaring everyone.
For putting us through the torment of wondering if she’s okay.
For being irresponsible. But then I turn the corner of the path to see her sitting on the bench between her parents’ trees, as if in an embrace by them.
Relief floods me so fast that it nearly knocks me over.
My anger fades into nothing. I walk over quietly and sit beside her.
“I’m so mad at you,” I start, but my voice breaks, betraying everything underneath. She doesn’t look up, but I know she saw me coming. “I love you, Kara. More than you’ll ever understand. I’m so glad you’re okay. You scared me, Gigi, and everyone who cares about you. Why would you do that?”
“I don’t want to live with Gigi,” she says, her voice cracking. “I miss home. I miss Maisie.” Tears form in her eyes. “I want Mom and Dad. I want them back so badly.” The sobs rock her body.
I reach for her and draw her into my arms. She doesn’t resist. Her head falls against my chest. I hold her as tightly as I can. Her grief becomes mine. The sound of her crying shatters me, bringing tears to my eyes. There isn’t a thing I can do to take the pain away. All I can do is hold her.
As her cries slow, I kiss the top of her head.
“Baby, losing both your parents is the worst. You and Maisie didn’t deserve this shit.
If I could trade places with them, I would.
In a split second. Bill was a great man.
The best husband, dad, and the best brother-in-law I could have ever hoped for.
Annie chose well. I loved him so much. I was proud to call him family.
Then there’s Annie…” My throat tightens.
“She wasn’t just your mom. She was my best friend.
My anchor. The one who loved me unconditionally.
The only one who I knew would always have my back no matter what.
She was the best mom. When the universe took her from me, I didn’t think I could go on.
Then I was brought back to life by you two girls.
The two pieces of the most important person in my life.
She and your dad live through you and Maisie.
I see it in you both every single day, and it makes my heart smile.
As long as I have you two, I have Annie and Bill. ”
“Aunt Allie,” Kara says as she clings tightly to me, her head still against my chest. “The day the accident happened”—her voice trembles—“Mom and I got into this stupid fight. I said something awful. It’s the last thing she ever heard, and I can’t forgive myself for it.”
My heart twists. “What did you say, sweetheart?” I continue holding her tightly against me, cherishing every moment I have with her. I need her and Maisie as much as they need me.
“I screamed at her.” She pulls back to look at me as she wipes her tear-streaked face.
She’s furious with herself. “I told her I hated her, that I wished you were my mom.” She covers her eyes with her hands as she weeps furiously.
“I love you, Aunt Allie. But I want my mom back.” Her bellows rip me apart.
“Oh, honey,” I say, pulling her back into my arms as my own tears fall.
“Annie knew you loved her. She knew. We all say things we don’t mean in the heat of the moment.
Anger has a way of speaking for us when our heart hurts.
Annie knew you didn’t mean it. I can promise you that.
She loved you too deeply to think otherwise.
She forgave you as soon as the words left your lips.
I know she’s watching over you both right now. ”
Kara sniffs as she catches her breath. “I’m sorry, Mom,” she whispers. “You were the best mom in the world, and I didn’t mean it. I’d give anything to have you back.”
Oh, my heart. I hold her tighter as the sunset spills gold and fire across the pond, the world stilling around us. I wish life wasn’t so harsh. Why do things like this happen to certain people while others never have to experience such tragedies?
As we sit embracing, a monarch butterfly drifts by, circling us once before landing gently on Kara’s knee. Neither of us dares to move. We just watch until it flutters away.
Kara looks up at me, eyes shining. “That felt like a sign.”
“I think it was.” I kiss her forehead, my heart full. “I have no doubt it was your mom saying she forgives you and loves you.”
Kara nods her head. I can see the lightness of the moment filling her.
“Ready to go home?” I ask.
“Yes.” She wraps her arms around me again. Thank you from above for the help today. I missed my girl. I think she missed herself as well.