Chapter 21
I took my foot off the unicorn and she tried to escape, but I grabbed her in a headlock, pinning her against my side. The pressure and awkward angle popped off the oversized unicorn head. She had a lot of long blonde hair.
“Hot in that mask?” I said.
She squeaked something.
“I bet you’re getting calls about the fight near Van Dorn Street?”
The dispatcher said, “Yes sir, we are. First responders inbound.”
“It was us. And some furry people. They destroyed my car. No casualties.”
“Are you hurt?”
“I’m a private detective, here with a Deputy US Marshal, detaining the culprits. Tell your first responders not to shoot,” I said.
“Copy that, authorities already on scene with suspects,” said the dispatcher, and he cut away to relay the information.
I lowered the phone.
Manny was crouched next to the inert gorilla. Manny’s shirt was torn at the seams across the shoulders and he bled from his mouth.
“Those animals kicked your ass,” I said.
He grinned and winced. “Was Theo here?”
“Didn’t see him, but I assume he was.” I spoke to the back of the blonde lady’s head, still pinned under my arm, “Do you know Theo Cardot?” She didn’t say anything so I squeezed her a little tighter around the neck. “Hey little lady. I’m talking to you.”
“I’m not a lady. I’m equine.” She coughed and stretched her neck. “A prejudiced cop like you doesn’t even know what that means.”
“Means you think you’re a horse.”
She didn’t respond. Hard to be tough when you’re held in a headlock. She wore dark sneakers and the pink bikini and I could see several tattoos.
“Do you know Theo?”
“Let me up,” she said. “You don’t treat unicorns like this! This is fur-secution! You’re a bigot and a pig.”
“Fur-secution,” I said. “That’s clever.”
“Shut up.”
“If you promise to sit down, I’ll let you go.”
“Fine. Fine.”
I released her. I knew she wouldn’t sit, and she didn’t. She tried to run so I grabbed her back, and she sobbed and I said, “You’d think a unicorn could run faster.”
“Shut up.”
“You should’ve galloped.”
“You think oppressing the endangered is funny?”
“You’re a furry?” I said.
“I’m therian and I’m equine. Can you fucking listen?”
“I identify as hard of hearing,” I said.
“That’s not real.”
“I agree. What’s your name?”
“Narcissus,” she said.
“What’s your real name?”
“Narcissus the Beautiful.”
Manny stood with a grunt. By the tension in his face, I suspected the animals had twisted his knee.
He tugged out his badge and pressed it close to the unicorn’s face.
“I’m a Deputy US Marshal, beautiful horse.
Know what that means? Means I’m not a cop from this neighborhood, se?orita.
I’m a federal. Means I take you to jail, it’s not a jail around here.
Means it’s a jail with scary people who think unicorns should be taught lessons, where you don’t get to keep your tail.
So answer the question or it’s an awful night for you. ”
She started to cry.
“What’s your real name?” I said.
“Nar… Apple Daniels.”
“Apple is on your birth certificate?” I said.
“Yes but my human name isn’t relevant.”
Manny looked up at the tree and I thought he was asking God for patience not to smack the girl in the back of her head.
“Where’s Theo?” I said.
“I don’t know Theo.”
“You guys destroyed my car, Apple, and you need to talk about Theo.”
The sirens grew close.
Her voice even smaller, “No one said you were cops.”
“Why’d you destroy my car, Apple?”
“I didn’t,” she said.
“You think that’s how I left it?”
“I mean, it wasn’t me. I’m sorry about hitting you. I shouldn’t have. Unicorns are peaceful,” she said. “Let me go.”
“Why’d you jump us? Why destroy the car?”
“They said we were gonna scare someone.”
“It worked, Apple. I nearly peed.”
“My name is Narcissus.”
The dispatcher came back and asked more questions and I said, “Suspect is pretending to be a unicorn.”
“I’m not pretending,” she shouted. “I’m equine. It’s real.”
“Yeah we know this furry crew,” said the dispatcher.
Some onlookers ventured down the street. One of them pointed and called, “Narcissus! We know you! The horse from online.”
I looked at Apple. “Unicorns get online?”
Still pinned and bent over, she made a noise of disgust. “Just… Ugh, you don’t get it.”
“Where’s your antler?”
“It’s a horn and you’re making fun of me,” she said. “Which is racist.”
“What’s the gorilla’s name?” I said.
“Maximus. Maximus the Brave.”
“Never mind,” I said, and the police arrived.