Chapter 27
An odd thing—I liked Dr. Buchanan more than Mr. Baxtor, despite Buchanan hoodwinking me.
Baxtor hadn’t stood or shaken my hand or smiled.
He only reluctantly offered me a chair and he didn’t see me out.
Buchanan would’ve been a much more congenial host, I was sure of it, though he’d likely pick my pocket.
He lied fluidly and fluently and I’d been easily suckered.
What to do with this information, that was the question. Turned out, Mrs. Armstrong the grimalkin school receptionist had good instincts, at least as far as Dr. Buchanan went. But I didn’t want to tell her. Nor did I want to tell Mrs. Buchanan.
Because I was already in the neighborhood, I swung by the Mason District Police Station and asked for Detective Hendricks.
I was buzzed through and given directions to his office.
Hendricks—tall, strong, mustache, glasses, suspenders— stood to shake my hand because he wasn’t an aloof wannabe-elite academic.
“Didn’t expect to see you so soon. Narcissus the unicorn and Max the gorilla,” he said, “are both out on bond. After chatting with an attorney, their story is they were trying to stop a rival furry gang from ruining your car. How about that? Everyone got confused and attacked the wrong people, they say. The gorilla even mentioned he should sue your deputy marshal pal.”
“The name Theo or Twitch the squirrel never surfaced?” I said.
“Nope. Prosecutors will accept a plea, misdemeanor assault, and that’ll be that. Until we see them again for smearing poop on windows or something absurd and they suck up more tax payer dollars. Man those kids need jobs or babies or something,” he said.
“Got phone numbers?”
“You want to call these animals?”
“What could be more fun,” I said.
“No phone numbers, sorry. They claim to be phone-less. They all claim it. Max the gorilla has no permanent residence, just crashing at girlfriends’ houses.
I can’t provide you Narcissus’s address, that’d be illegal, but what I can do is leave this folder open and go to the bathroom, and I’ll see you later. ”
He left. In the folder I found Narcissus the Beautiful’s information. Real name Apple Daniels, she lived five miles from here in the Newington suburbs.
I drove there and got a coffee at the cafe across from her four-story building. According to the information on the front door, she had the penthouse. Well well well, unicorn makes good.
I drank the coffee outside in the November chill, the sky a scudding gray and the traffic a consistent frantic race, everyone late.
Sitting at the table on the sidewalk, my sedentary afternoon felt presumptuous.
I got cold and ordered a second coffee and wondered what I was doing.
Hoping the unicorn showed up with a squirrel and they’d both apologize and convince me all was right with the world, and that Sophia Cardot was in great hands?
The unicorn made an appearance during my third hour of surveillance, before dinner, the light still bright in the leaves that hadn’t fallen.
She tramped out of her building and cocked her head back and closed her eyes, like she’d been working at a desk for seven hours and needed a breather.
She stretched her neck and lit a cigarette and smoked it while leaning against the brick of her building, not seeing anyone that walked by.
She wore jean shorts and fuzzy slippers and some kind of strapless corset top that could’ve been lingerie or could’ve been something you’d wear at a party.
Over the whole thing she wore a fur coat open.
A guy pushed out of the same doors, adjusting a jacket. Handsome fellow, could be Zorro’s stunt double. He found her and nodded and they talked for ten seconds and he walked off.
She lit a second cigarette and hurried across the street, closer to me.
She set the cigarette down on a cafe table, like saving her spot, and she went inside and came back with a big to-go coffee.
She dropped to sit at the table and cursed about something, and she smoked the cigarette more.
Didn’t sip the coffee yet. In the light of day, she was an attractive woman.
Good bones, good skin. Fake blonde hair, lots of makeup, thin, boobs that were hard to miss. But she hadn’t smiled yet.
She finished her cigarette and looked around and our gazes met. She frowned, trying to place me, and she did a jump and said, “Oh my gawd.”
“Hiya Apple.”
“What the hell?”
“I came so you could apologize,” I said.
“Apolo— I mean, what the hell?”
“You hit me with a bat.”
“This is illegal,” she said. “Don’t touch me.”
“Where’s your ears and horn?” I said.
“Don’t.” She pointed at me. “Don’t. This is fur-secution.”
“I hear you and the gorilla will probably plea it down to a misdemeanor. Good for you,” I said.
“Shut up. What do you want?”
I drank coffee. “What can you tell me about Twitch the squirrel?”
“I’m not telling you shit. You threw me in jail and I had to spend the night there and it cost five grand to get out,” she said.
“The police threw you in jail. I’m just the guy you attacked with a bat,” I said.
To her credit, the logic of my statement seemed to land and some of her ire softened. “Well. Whatever. Jail sucks.”
“Especially for a unicorn in a bikini?”
“Yeah especially then,” she said. She fished in her fur coat and seemed disappointed at not finding cigarettes. She finally sipped her coffee. “What do you want?”
“Information about Twitch. Also known as Theo Cardot.”
“That’s all?” she said.
“That’s all.”
“I’m sorry about… About the bat and your car. I didn’t even know…”
“You were obeying orders, I assume.”
“Not orders, really. More like a group project. Are you recording this?” she said.
“No.”
“Promise?” she said.
“I promise. Far as I see it, you and me are even.”
“Are you a cop?”
“I’m a private investigator from Roanoke.”
“Why’re you so big?”
“Good breeding,” I said.
“Breeding?”
“Mix a horse with a narwal and you get a unicorn. That kind of breeding.”
“I don’t get it,” she said. “Are you trying to be in my videos? Because I’m done working for the day.”
“No thank you.”
She snatched the coat closed like finally realizing it was chilly. “Do you want something?”
“Tell me about Twitch the squirrel.”
“That’s all?”
“That’s all,” I said.
“He’s a dork.”
“He’s not in charge of your furry community?” I said.
She snort-chuckled. “Twitch? Hell no. Little nerd.”
“You jumped us at his request.”
“He musta begged Maximus and we had nothing better to do.”
“What do you know about him?” I said.
“Nothing. He comes to our stuff. He’s kinda cute but he’s quiet.
Like a geek. He used to brag about being a tough guy but not anymore.
He doesn’t matter much, you know? Remember in high school, those kids on the outside of the group that hung around to say they were a part of something?
That’s him. He’s fine or whatever. I don’t know much other than that. ”
“Is Maximus in charge of the herd?”
“Yeah kinda. He’s the biggest.”
“Where can I find him?” I said.
“Maximus? I’m not saying shit about Maximus. He gets mad, it’s awful. Go ask someone else about Maximus.”
“He’s king of the jungle?” I said.
“Yeah sure. And I don’t piss off the king.”
“What about for a hundred bucks?”
“A hundred…” She laughed and smiled. It was a good smile, changed her whole face. “Mister, I make forty grand a month doing the videos. What would I do with your hundred bucks?”
“Forty grand making unicorn videos?”
“Guys are weird and stupid, what can I say.” She shrugged.
“When’s the next furry gathering?”
“I don’t know. I don’t always go, only when I’m bored.”
“Bored with Apple and want to be Narcissus for a night?” I said.
“I’m Narcissus all day, in the videos. Bored with life. What even is life?”
“It’s better when it’s not about yourself.”
“Huh?”
“What were the instructions for the group project, when you jumped us?” I said.
“Forget I said that. I didn’t mean it. You could use it in court.”
“But I won’t.”
“I’m not saying anything else without my attorney,” she said.
“Unicorns and their attorneys.”
“You want to make a video? We could, I guess. What’re you, like, thirty-eight? You’re kinda cute, in a strong older man way.”
“Sounds fun. But no.”
“You have a wife?”
“Sure. And she asked me not to sleep with unicorns,” I said.
“Then she’s cringe.”
“If she made videos like you, she’d make more than forty,” I said and I stood.
“Yeah? Is she hot? Can I see a picture?”
“No.”