Chapter twenty-six #2
I rolled my eyes then fell backwards onto my bed as everything grew quiet. For a moment neither of us spoke.
“Don’t move,” she said.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“You need emergency treatment.”
I frowned. “What does that mean?”
She pointed dramatically. “Heartbreak protocol.”
Before I could ask what that meant, she disappeared out the door. About ten minutes later, she returned carrying enough junk food to survive a natural disaster. She had a giant bowl of popcorn, a bag of Doritos and two king-size Snickers bars.
My eyes widened. “Sahara, you bought all that?” I asked.
She sat everything on my desk. “You look like you’re one bad thought away from setting something on fire.”
I laughed. “That’s fair.”
“I know.”
She tossed a Snickers bar at me. and of course, I caught it. It was my favorite candy bar. The sweet gesture made my chest tighten because it reminded me that even though I was thousands of miles away from home, I wasn’t alone.
Sahara climbed into her bed and opened the Doritos. “So...”
I already knew that tone. “What?”
She crunched loudly on a chip. “What are you gonna do about Monique?” she asked.
The question immediately made my stomach tighten because I really didn’t know what I was going to do. Part of me wanted to forget Monique existed. Part of me wanted to scream at her. And part of me wanted answers… lots of answers.
My fingers slowly slipped into my hoodie pocket and touched the business card. The one I had taken from my father’s hotel room with Monique’s phone number on it.
I stared at the Snickers bar in my hand. Then quietly said, “I have no clue.”
But for the first time since learning about the little boy, I wasn’t sure that was true.
︵?︵?????︵?︵
Two days later, I finally did texted her. Not because I wanted a relationship with Monique or because I wanted to forgive her. But because I wanted answers.
That was it. Nothing more, nothing less.
The entire morning, my stomach was in knots. By lunchtime, I felt like I was going to throw up. By three o’clock, I was pacing my dorm room.
Sahara sat on her bed watching me wear a path into the carpet. “You know, most people would’ve sat down by now,” she said.
I stopped pacing long enough to glare at her. “You’re not helping.”
“I’m just saying.” She popped a piece of gum in her mouth. “You’ve walked enough miles in this room to get back to Georgia.”
Despite everything, a small laugh escaped me. Then a knock sounded at the door and my stomach immediately dropped to my ass.
Sahara’s expression softened as she gave me the thumbs up signal. “You got this.”
I wasn’t so sure, but I opened the door anyway. And there was Monique. For a second, we just stared at each other… neither of us speaking.
Then she offered a nervous smile. “Hello, Devyn.”
I simply stepped aside. “Come in.”
Her smile immediately disappeared, which was fine with me because I wasn’t in the mood for fake friendliness. Sahara stood from her bed and looked Monique up and down. Then looked at me.
“If you need backup, just say the word.”
I groaned dramatically. “Sahara.”
“What?” She pointed towards the hallway. “I’ll be close.” Then she looked directly at Monique and said, “Real close.”
Monique blinked twice but didn’t appear afraid. I wanted to laugh and I almost did, but this was not the time.
“You’re too much,” I commented.
“I know,” Sahara replied.
She squeezed my shoulder then disappeared into the hallway. The room immediately felt smaller, quieter and more awkward.
I looked at Monique. “Let’s go.”
She followed me to the elevators that took us downstairs to one of the study rooms. The moment the door closed behind us, I turned around to face her. All the anger I had been carrying for days came rushing back.
“So, my dad mentioned that you have a son.”
There was no greeting or small talk. I just got straight to the point. Monique closed her eyes briefly like she was processing what I had said. Then she opened them again and looked at me.
“Yes, but I asked your father to give me the opportunity to tell you first.”
“Well, he told me,” I said. “How old is he?”
“I’m sure you already know the answer.”
“I want to hear you say it.”
Her shoulders fell as she sat in the uncomfortable space. “He’s ten.”
I laughed a sharp, bitter laugh.
“Ten, huh?” My question was met with silence. “Ten,” I repeated. She still didn’t say anything, so I shook my head then finally looked at her. “Why?”
The question came out louder than I intended. “Devyn…”
“No.” I held up my hand. “No, because I really want an answer to my question.” The tears immediately burned behind my eyes.
“I know you do.”
“No, you don’t.” My voice cracked. “If you knew, you would’ve been here.”
Monique flinched. I didn’t care though because I was tired of being the only one hurting.
“Do you know what it feels like to find out your mother left you because she didn’t want to be your mom and then turned around and had another child?” I asked. “One that she raised!”
Her eyes filled with tears, but I didn’t care.
“Do you know what that feels like Monique?” I asked. “Huh? Do you?”
“No,” she simply replied.
The answer shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. For a second, I just stared.
“No,” she repeated. “I don’t.” Her honesty kind of threw me off because I wasn’t expecting that. “I don’t know what it feels like to be you.”
“Clearly.”
She nodded. “You’re right.”
For several seconds neither of us spoke. Then I asked the question that had been haunting me ever since my father told me.
“Why did you stay for him?” I asked.
The tears finally spilled down her cheeks, and I just stood there and watched them fall. I watched her struggle to try to find words. And honestly, I was happy to see her struggling because I had spent fourteen years struggling.
Now it was her turn. “Why him?” My voice cracked and betrayed me. “Why did you stay for him and not for me?”
“Devyn…”
“Just tell me why!” I cried.
The question echoed through the room.
“Was something wrong with me?” I asked.
Her entire face crumpled. “No.”
“Then why wasn’t I enough?”
She immediately shook her head. “It’s not that Devyn,” she said.
“But that’s exactly what it feels like.” I wiped angrily at my tears. “You left me.”
“I know but...”
“And you left my daddy.”
“Yes, I did but…”
“Yes”
“You left and never came back!” I cried as more tears slid down her face. “I’m sorry.”
I laughed bitterly. “Yeah right.”
“Devyn.”
I shook my head. “Don’t.”
“What?” Monique asked.
“Don’t sit there and cry now!” I snapped.
The words were harsh, but I meant them. “You wanna know what’s crazy?” I asked sarcastically. “I bet if we hadn’t run into each other downtown, you never would’ve looked for me.”
“That’s not true,” she said.
“It is true! For the past fourteen years, you put me and my daddy out of your mind and acted like we never existed!”
Her expression shattered. “Do you think I haven’t cried over the years?” Monique asked.
Her question caught me off guard. “What?” I asked.
“You think I haven’t spent years crying because I walked out on you?”
I stared at her in total shock and silence. If she expected me to react to that, she was sadly mistaken. She left me so she didn’t get to act like the victim.
She laughed a soft, broken laugh. “I missed every birthday, every Christmas.” My chest tightened as another lump rose in my throat. “Every first day of school, every recital.”
I swallowed hard because how did she know about my recitals?
“I missed every awards ceremony.” She sighed heavily as her voice cracked. “Every milestone.”
The room suddenly felt too small, like I couldn’t breathe.
“I missed everything,” she concluded with tears in her eyes.
I looked away because I didn’t know what to do with that information.
Then she whispered, “And I deserved to.”
For the first time since this conversation started, I didn’t have a comeback or an insult. I wasn’t even angry anymore. Just confused because that wasn’t the answer I expected.
I expected excuses, blame or for her to tell me she had no choice. Instead, she sat there looking broken. This was too much.
“I know you probably hate me.”
The words barely came out, but if that was what she thought I sure wasn’t going to tell her anything different. I looked down at the table then back at her. For a moment neither of us spoke.
Finally, I asked the question that had been sitting in my chest since the day we met on the sidewalk. The question I had been afraid to ask and the one that mattered most.
“When you left…” My voice cracked. “Did you ever love me?”
Monique immediately started crying. The kind of crying that came from somewhere deep.
“Yes Devyn. I loved you from the time you were born and never stopped.”
The answer came instantly and without hesitation or extra thought.
“Every single day.”
And for the first time since I met her, I wasn’t angry. Not because I forgave or understood her, but because suddenly I realized something. This conversation wasn’t ending today.
If anything, it was only beginning.