Chapter Seventeen
Owen
“Here we are,” I said as I opened the gate outside of Dad’s cottage, gesturing Darcy through it as I fought to calm my racing heart. This was simply dinner as friends, nothing more. But no matter how many times I told myself that, it didn’t help.
“Wow, this is gorgeous,” Darcy said, an awestruck smile on his face as he looked around at the front garden, where the last of the summer blooms basked in the remnants of the evening sun. “It’s like a palace garden.”
“Dad’s pride and joy. Well, part of it anyway. The back garden is just as impressive, especially now me and Matthew aren’t churning the grass up. He’s got a load of fruit and veg beds out there too.”
“That’s amazing. I can’t even keep succulents alive. I’d like to, but I forget about them.”
“A good garden is a lot of work,” I said as we walked towards the front door of the terraced, honey-coloured cottage.
It was part of a row that sat on a quiet street overlooking the bay.
“This garden, and the ones at the castle, are Dad’s pride and joy.
They’re his lifetime obsession. I don’t think he’ll ever stop wanting to be out in them, and I don’t think he’ll ever retire either.
He’ll still be lurking in the castle rose garden when he’s ninety, terrifying the new under-gardeners with all his questions. ”
I was only half joking because I genuinely didn’t think Dad would retire. It would be easier to pry superglued LEGO apart.
Matthew had tried suggesting it once, before Dad had gone in for surgery, and Dad had turned around and said he intended to die in those gardens, and nobody was going to stop him.
Neither of us had brought it up since. And I didn’t think anyone at the castle had either. Besides, even if they did force him to retire, he wouldn’t listen. He’d simply turn up for work again the next morning and dismiss any attempts to escort him off the grounds.
“What’re you saying about me?” Dad asked as he opened the front door, smiling wryly as he looked between me and Darcy.
“That you’re gonna be a menace to society until you’re ninety,” I said with a grin.
“Ninety? Pfft, why stop there. Better make it a nice, round hundred.”
I chuckled, because I believed him. He was stubborn enough to make it happen.
“Nice t’ see you again, Darcy,” Dad said, stepping back and waving us inside. “Come on in. Don’t stand on ceremony.”
“Thanks for having me,” Darcy said, bending down to slide his shoes off and tucking them neatly alongside my sandals.
“It’s lovely to have you. Anyone who’ll put up with this one is worth getting to know.”
“Hey! I’m not that bad,” I said. “You’re acting like I’m a difficult stray cat.”
Darcy chuckled. “Don’t worry, I don’t think you’re like that. I mean, I’m still baffled you like going in the North Sea at half-six in the morning.”
“It’s nice. Peaceful. Good for the soul.”
“I don’t think my soul would like being frozen.”
“It’s not that cold. You get used to it.”
“Which is it?” Darcy asked teasingly, a smirk playing across his lips as he followed me into the kitchen. “Not that cold or actually cold but you get used to it?”
I rolled my eyes, wishing I could smack his arse playfully and pull him in for a kiss.
But it would mean admitting there was something between us to my dad, and I didn’t know how Darcy would feel about that.
“It’s cold but after a few minutes you don’t notice it.
And it’s perfect when it’s hot because it cools you down after you’ve spent the whole night sweating your arse off. ”
“Hmm, maybe if it’s baking hot again next year, I’ll try it.”
“I’ll hold you to that,” I said casually, not really thinking about what I was saying until it was too late.
Darcy stared at me, an eyebrow slightly raised and mouth half open, like he was trying to figure out if I was joking or not. He poked his tongue between his lips, then squeezed his mouth closed, his face falling as emotion warred on his face.
“Next year?” Dad asked, his gruff voice slicing through the air as he bent down in front of the oven to check on whatever he’d made for dinner.
It smelt like toad in the hole. “You planning on being here then? ’Cos if Darcy’s convinced you to stay put for more than ten minutes that’s a bloody miracle. ”
“N-No… I… er, I don’t know. I haven’t made any plans.” Panic rose in my stomach as a whirlpool of emotion opened in my chest. I didn’t want to commit to anything. Couldn’t bring myself to commit to anything.
I’d never wanted to settle before. Staying in one place had only ever made me miserable, like I was trapped in a cage with no way out.
I’d tried it once and it had ended so painfully I’d vowed never to do it again. It was easier to keep wandering and make surface-level connections with a million people than open myself up to the possibility of something real. That required vulnerability, and I’d never been good at that.
I wasn’t sure if I knew how to put my heart on the line and show all the parts of myself to someone. It was easier to focus on making people happy, spreading joy and love and leaving a soft imprint on their heart before I moved on. Letting myself into their lives but never into mine.
Because if I did that, nobody ever noticed I was lonely and afraid.
But now… things had started to feel different. This summer had felt different. And it scared me more than ever before because I’d never expected my plans to shift so much, for one man to shake the foundations of my life and introduce the idea I might want something new.
I couldn’t blame Darcy though, because he’d never even realised he was doing it.
Neither had I.
And now I was tempted to give up everything for him. For a man I’d known for less than four months.
What the hell was wrong with me?
“I mean, you’re welcome to,” Darcy said quietly, not really looking at me as he twisted his hands in front of his chest. “Come back that is. To Lick It!”
To me.
I could hear it in his voice even if he hadn’t said it.
And then he tilted his head up, his eyes meeting mine, longing shining out of them like a beacon. It was beautiful and terrifying in equal measure, and it felt like I was being pulled under by a current I couldn’t see, drowning in my own emotions as I fought against the tide.
“I… I… I’m sorry… I can’t do this,” I said, turning on my heels and walking straight past him towards the front door. I knew leaving was ridiculous, that walking out was childish and petulant and wasn’t going to solve anything.
But I did it anyway.
And I hated myself for it.
“Owen, wait,” Darcy called after me, his feet smacking on the floor as he strode after me. But I’d already gone out the door barefoot.
“Owen! Where’re you goin’? Come back,” Dad added.
The note of surprise in his voice was almost the most painful part, and I knew I’d disappointed him because he’d raised me better than this.
He’d always tried to encourage me to talk honestly about how I felt, even if it hurt, but somewhere along the line I seemed to have forgotten that.
I didn’t know what I was doing or where I was going. I just didn’t want to be there. Because if I was there, I’d have to finally confront reality and all the emotions I’d been doing my best to avoid.
If I could have magically teleported myself to the other side of the world, I would have done.
Yeah, I wouldn’t have any of my stuff but at least then I’d be free.
The thought stopped me in my tracks, the cooling air caressing my skin and sending a shiver down my spine as the sun set over the moorland.
Free… that was such an odd way to think about it. When had I ever not been free?
I wasn’t trapped or imprisoned in any way. I never had been. What I wanted was to avoid the possibility of being hurt. And I was willing to let other people suffer so I could take the easy way out.
Fuck, that was pathetic.
Would I really do that to Darcy because I couldn’t open myself up to be vulnerable?
Apparently, I would.
The realisation was like a punch in the gut, almost making me double over as I reeled with my own selfishness.
I stood barefoot on the pavement, halfway down the road, watching as orange and pink light spilled across the sky and dusted the horizon with gold.
Part of me wanted to move, to do something.
The rest of me didn’t know how. It was too stunned by the revelations, like my body was frozen by a glitching piece of software.
“Owen.” The way Darcy said my name was like another punch. He sounded so fucking sad, and I couldn’t bear it.
Had I made anyone that sad before?
Probably.
I’d just always left before I’d seen the consequences of my actions, blissfully ignorant of what I’d done.
“I’m sorry,” he said and I turned to see him hovering behind me, his shoulders hunched and sadness etched into his face so deeply I wondered if it would ever come out. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“It’s not you,” I said, wishing I knew how to take a step towards him. “It’s me.”
“I know you don’t plan on staying. It’s not who you are. And you don’t have to come back if you don’t want to. Just… I know it’s selfish of me to ask but don’t forget me? Please? I won’t forget you.”
“I could never forget you, angel.”
“Really?”
“Of course not.” I took a shaking step towards him. “I’m so sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologise,” he said. “I always knew it would end this way. I… I shouldn’t have gotten so attached. It’s my fault, really.”
I frowned, completely lost by what he was saying. “What? Why?”
“You said at the start you’d be leaving at the end of your contract—you’ve always been clear you never stay. That this… what we were doing… it was only for the summer. I knew that was the case, but I did it anyway.”
“Did what?”
“Fall for you,” he said sadly, his voice cracking slightly. “So this… I did this to myself. I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable.”
“N-No, angel. No! This is not on you,” I said, taking another step towards him as my head spun. Shit, what had I done?
No, fuck, not this. I hadn’t meant for this to happen. Had I?
“It’s okay. Please, don’t worry about me.” He slid past me, slipping out of my hands like a ghost. “I’m really glad I met you, Owen. And I’m sorry.”
“Darcy, please. Wait! I can explain.”
“You don’t need to. It’s okay.” He smiled and I felt my heart shatter. “Goodbye, Owen.”
He walked away and all I could do was watch, reeling from the fallout. Finally, for the first time, facing the consequences of my selfishness.
Something I couldn’t blame on anyone but myself.
What the fuck had I done?
And how the fuck did I fix it?