Chapter 24
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
“Oh, Phoebe,” Anna gasped, her expression clouding with dismay.
Phoebe quickly shook her head, hoping to dissuade her sister from feeling the exact same emotions she had fought off for so long – pity.
“I should have known better,” she whispered furiously. “I knew that I had responsibilities and requirements – and if I had focused on those instead of being distracted by the silly matters my heart desired, I would not have been so weak as to find myself in this pathetic situation.”
“That is hardly your fault,” Anna told her sadly. “You cannot help who you want. You have no say in how your heart makes decisions over its affairs. All you can do is deal with the aftermath and come to a conclusion on what is to be done concerning what you have discovered. Will you tell him?”
The very thought of showing Edward her bloody, bruised heart that trembled at the very inkling of his mentioned name made Phoebe feel even sicker than she had been earlier. The idea mortified her to no end.
“I cannot!” she hissed. “What would he think of me then? He had explicitly drawn a line between us and I went ahead to put myself in such an unsavory situation. He doesn’t love me, Anna, and he never will.
I thought that we could at least be companions during this marriage but he has made it quite clear he has no sort of interest in me – not beyond the matter that I was married for.
All he needs from me is to do as he expects. ”
Phoebe wished the words did not cut her as she said them. She wished she felt brave enough to face what lay ahead of her, as boldly as she wanted to be. But with every passing moment that dawned in the light of her realization of her feelings for her husband, she could not help but crave him.
She wanted Edward to look at her only, to worry about her and mean it, to say that she was his – in every sense of the word. And every second that passed without that reality, was a second closer to the demise she was certain her broken heart would lead to.
But still... a part of her did not mind perishing at the mercy of her feelings.
“Phoebe, that is no better than sentencing yourself to a fate worse than death. Those feelings will smother you, sister. Even if he doesn’t return them, they deserve to see the light of day and be given a chance to flee eventually when you learn to let them go.
If you hide them, you will only make yourself miserable and eventually, it will put a strain on your relationship,” Anna said gently, still holding onto her hands, her grip tight and somewhat shaky.
Phoebe felt somewhat guilty for being a cause of concern.
“Forget about it. It is rather shameful of me to bring up such a childish concern. Regardless of what happens or what I feel, I will ensure that our marriage perseveres. I will not let you or Rowland down,” she stated resolutely.
“Let us down? Whatever do you mean?” Rowland questioned, finally arriving with a glass of what appeared to be cold water and some crackers and cheese with thin slices of ham.
“You took your time, brother,” Anna eyed him warily as retrieved the glass of water and handed it over to Phoebe. “Did you get lost on your way to the table that was quite litereally meters ahead of you?”
Rowland eyed her in annoyance and sniffed.
“No, I merely thought it would be better to get her something she would be able to take in easily. Water is a much better option and given the mildly hot weather we are having today, it would be best if the water was cold. And crackers might be easy to ingest but they lack substance.”
Phoebe managed a smile of appreciation after she had drank most of the water offered to her.
“Thank you, Rowland. I am truly grateful,” she said sincerely.
Rowland gave Anna a look, as though he was gloating over his accomplishment and Phoebe felt her heart grow warm with fondness.
Anna pointedly ignored their older brother as she shuffled even closer to Phoebe, looking her in the eye as she told her softly,
“You have done plenty, Phoebe. We would not have the peace that graces our lives without you and we will forever be grateful to you. But we do not wish for you to continue to put yourself ahead of us. You are important to this family, Phoebe, and you deserve an even better life than what you have worked to give us. And you are allowed to take it, without much regard to us. We will be fine, sister. Take care of yourself.”
Her younger sister sounded so... sad as she said those words, as though it had broken her to watch Phoebe break herself over the years in a bid to give her siblings a better situation than what they lived in and she couldn’t help but nod slowly.
“I will do my best,” Phoebe replied, wishing that she would be strong enough to keep her words.
With everything crumbling around her, it was all she could hope to do.
“I do not understand what you both are speaking about –” Rowland began with a surly frown.
“Likely because it is a matter that are not meant to reach the ears of a gentleman,” Anna sighed.
Rowland glared at her without heat and held the plate he had assembled with clear painstaking attention.
“But, surely Phoebe can muse about the situation while she eats,” he continued.
It was heart warming, seeing her brother so concerned and attentive, so Phoebe managed to stifle her dwindled appetite in an effort to eat some of what he had prepared.
It was a difficult feat, but his proud nods motivated her to continue until she had successfully managed a little more than a few bites.
She liked being in the midst of her siblings again, as she had missed their closeness.
She missed watching them argue without heat, missed noticing the way the corners of Rowland’s lips curled in amusement as he fully understood that he was getting under Anna’s skin.
And she adored the way their youngest sister always sat up straighter or drew herself to her full height in a bid to make sure Rowland knew that she was not afraid of him.
In the midst of the hopelessness, they were her light.
Her mind eventually wandered to her husband and she found her gaze drifting on the passionate conversation Anna and Rowland were having about a gentleman that ‘most certainly had not winked’ at Anna earlier.
She found him sooner than she expected to, flanked by men and women who seemed utterly enthralled by his very presence.
She understood how they felt, had gotten to know first hand, just how special it was to be within his vicinity, had felt the warm rays of his attention.
And it was an odd feeling, the mix of pride and devestation that came from being away from him, watching others be permitted to revel in his attention.
“Phoebe! There you are,” Jane cheerfully exclaimed as she spotted Phoebe in the pavilion. “I have been looking for you all over! I would like to introduce you to some dear friends of mine – oh, my apologies, was I interrupting?”
Phoebe glanced at her siblings in uncertainty but Rowland simply nudged her forward.
“Go on. I must go chaparone our little sister as she parades around the garden like a swan with a ribbon around her neck,” he stated with a long suffering exhale.
Anna reached out to pinch him and Phoebe turned to address Jane.
“You are not, do not worry. These two were just about to abandon me for much more exciting adventures,” Phoebe managed to tease, already feeling uneasy as her siblings bowed to the duchess in preparation to leave.
But first they gave her a hug each, along with a kiss on her cheek and she hoped the warmth their love provided would linger for a long time.
“All right, come along,” Jane prompted, taking Phoebe’s hand and pulling her to feet.
As soon as she was standing, Phoebe could tell something was amiss.
The world seemed to tilt on its axis and the corners of her vision darkened slightly.
Whatever strength she had recovered while she had been with her siblings faded away briskly, leaving her feeling as though she was wading through deep waters and was barely managing to keep her head up.
She managed to step out onto the garden grounds once more, but her legs were shaking horribly. She could hear Jane voice her concern once more, but the words sounded distant as she inhaled deeply but still felt as though she was short of breath.
The world dimmed again and this time, she fell into the abyss.
Edward had sensed something was not right with Phoebe from the moment she had stepped into the carriage. He had thought that perhaps she had taken issue with the sudden request to appear at a social gathering afterall, but she seemed pleasant with Jane and Thomas when the hosts came to greet them.
Still, the unease never faded, even as he watched her siblings fawn over her. He had not wanted to leave her side but inevitably did, slipping away while she was distracted, but nonetheless, he continued to check on her discreetly.
He had seen Jane approach her with the intention of introducing her to a few of her closest friends, had glanced away to keep up the pretense of indulging in the curiosity some of the guests had about his marriage.
And when he looked back at Phoebe, she was crumbling to the ground.
The glass he had been holding slipped from his fingers and he did not even excuse himself as he marched forward, his heartbeat echoing so loudly in his ears, it drowned out every other noise around.
Phobe’s face was so pale as other guests clamoured around her and Jane who might have been screaming for him or her own husband – he still couldn’t hear anything other than the sign of his furiously pumping blood.
He didn’t know what it was he said but the guests wore startled expressions that turned fearful before they quickly backed away from his wife.
“What happened?” he snapped, drawing her into his arms as his heart continue to sink.
Phoebe did not stir as he stroked her cheeks and it was because he was close enough that he could notice the thin sheen of sweat around her forehead.
She felt so... frail in his hold. Had she not been eating well? How long had she been ill? How could he not have noticed?
“I-I don’t know. She just fell –” Jane stammered, tears filling her eyes.
“Send for a physician to head to my estate at once. I will be taking her home right now.” He said as he lifted his wife off the ground and into his sturdy hold.
Thomas appeared at Jane’s side, helping his wife up as he told Edward,
“Go. We will send for him.”
Without another word, Edward left the party, hurrying out to where their carriage was waiting.
“Take us home. Quickly,” he ordered the coachman.
Phobe shivered in his arms and curled closer to his chest, still clearly unconscious and every moment that passed with her like this, the more helpless Edward felt.
Had his home always been this far? Would they make it in time? What if there was something really wrong with her? What was he to do?
“Phoebe,” he whispered, pressing his lips to her forehead. “Please... we’re nearly there. We will get you some help soon.”
He did not know what he was begging for, only that he was too desperate not to.
After what felt like ages, the estate appeared in sight. The carriage had scarecely rolled to a stop before he got out with Phoebe cradled carefully in his arms. The staff looked alarmed at the sight of their duchess in that state but he wasted no time barking orders.
“Light a fire in her room and fetch a bowl of cool water to wipe her down. As soon as the physician arrives, send him up to her room.”
Once he had spoken, he carried Phoebe to her room, praying with everything within him that it was not too late. His words felt hollow within his chest as he worried that she might be beyond help and that caused a wave of nausea to wash over him.
As he set her down in her bed, the servants moved around in a flurry of movements, doing everything they could to make their duchess comfortable and it was extremely unsettling to realize that he had done all that he could for the moment.
The irony of the situation mocked him, because he had been so focused on his own weak lifespan and the idea of his death, so afraid of how broken Phoebe would be in the aftermath that he had never considered that she might be the one who would fall ill.
It was jarring, the possibility that his cowardice might have cost him his only chance to have been honest with her.
The physician arrived soon after and requested the room to properly assess Phoebe’s condition. While Edward would have preferred to stay, he did not think he could handle being of no help what so ever and retired to the hallway to lurk about.
Maude approached him as he paced around, her face impassive even though her eyes were rimmed with red as she spoke,
“The duchess is a fierce and strong woman. She will be all right, Your Grace.”
“What if she isn’t? What if my selfishness was what compromised her health? What if I am the reason why she is in this state and I never get the chance to make things right?
The housekeeper sighed deeply, her shoulders slumping as she considered his words.
“Well then, perhaps your time would be better spent praying for her recovery instead of berating yourself,” she replied.
Edward had never prayed for anything, not even himself. He had long since accepted his fate because he felt there was no reason to expect more from life when he was all too aware of the cards he had been dealt by life.
But for Phoebe... he dared to hope for better.
The physician soon emerged from her room and Edward wasted no time approaching him.
“Is she all right? What is wrong?” he asked, the worry in his veins still as strong as when he had watched her faint.
The physician sighed deeply. “She is awake now, Your Grace. She seems to have overworked herself recently and is in need of good rest. And a filling meal, as it appears that she has not had much appetite recently. Perhaps offer her more soups and porridge.”
“We will prepare some at once,” Maude declared before making her way to the kitchen.
Edward wanted to be relieved, but the old man added with a wry expression, “You should speak with her, Your Grace. I believe a conversation is in order between you two.”
His words reignited the concern in Edward and before he could question what the man meant, he bowed to the duke and took his leave.