Chapter 25
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
“Have you told His Grace the news yet, Your Grace?”
Phoebe felt as though her strength had been sapped out of her body completely. It had been a strange experience, to wake up in her bed after she had crumbled at Jane’s garden party.
A part of her was worried for her new friend and she hoped that she had not ruined the party completely. And the other side of her attention was doing its best not to crumble in the face of the physician’s question.
He took her silence as a sign that she might have not heard him and repeated the question, this time adding the detail she was afraid to face.
“Have you informed His Grace about the child yet, Your Grace?”
Phoebe shook her head, squeezing her eyes shut, desperate to pretend that this was simply a terrible dream, but all too aware that it was not.
She’d had her suspicions but had been too afraid to entertain the thought as she could feel her body change drastically over the last few weeks. She sensed that the unrest was due to the fact that she was yet to come to terms with the truth — or rather, what it would mean for her.
“Your Grace —”
“I will tell him,” Phoebe said quickly, her gaze pleading. “P-Please, let me be the one who tells him. Do not give him any clue as to what is really wrong with me.”
The physician, a kind slim man with a rather eccentric mustache who had introduced himself as Mr Adam Gilbert, studied her for a moment and then sighed.
“As you wish, Your Grace. But I implore you to take better are of yourself. You are no longer solely responsible for just one person now, but two. Eat properly and allow yourself to get better rest.” He instructed as he put his tools back into his leather briefcase.
“I will,” Phoebe said and hoped that she meant it.
Mr Gilbert bowed to her and took his leave, giving Phoebe a moment to her thoughts.
Everything was falling apart so quickly, and she found herself once more displaced by the situation around her.
She did not know what to make of things, what she could dare to hope for from the future that lay ahead.
But she knew that regardless, she would have to face her present to get there.
There was a gentle knock at the door and she knew before she responded that it was Edward.
“You may enter,” she called, the familiar pressure of fear rising up in her throat.
Her husband walked in, his gaze fixed on her for a few seconds, as though he was assessing her well-being from where he stood. The hope that she had thought had long since perished stirred in her chest but she paid it no mind because she knew it was of no use.
“Are you all right?” he questioned, approaching her bed but not making it all the way to her side, leaving some distance between them.
Phoebe looked down at where her hands were clasped together over the covers that had been pulled over her and for the first time in a while, she missed her parents in a way that made her feel as though she was a child all over again.
She felt so utterly alone, so terrified of what she held within her and what it would mean for them and all she wanted was for her mother and father to be by her side, holding her hands and supplying her with the courage and strength she needed.
“I… I do not know,” she mumbled, willing herself to look up at him. “I have something I need to say.”
Edward nodded, the motion so stiff, it looked foreign on him. Phoebe swallowed, inhaled deeply and exhaled the words that had been churning within her for longer than she was willing to admit.
“I am with child. I was not sure at first but… I suspected as much for a little while. And I did not want to tell you… because you would have left me.”
Tears filled her eyes and this time, nothing she could do would have stopped them from spilling in front of him. And it seemed that once it started, it would not stop. Heavy sobs wracked her body as she forced herself to continue,
“I… I do not want to lose you, Edward. It was never my intention to let things get this far. Even though I know that this was merely to be an arrangement, I couldn’t help but fall in love with you.
Not because of the things you did for my family, but because of who you are.
I have witnessed your kindness and strength, your determination and courage and slowly, all of those things grew to be quite endearing to me and I couldn’t fight how I felt anymore.
But I understand that is not what you want.
I know that you have no intention on going back on your word.
“And I do not expect you to. I only wished to say it so that I could finally breathe before you leave. I promise, I have no expectations of you and I will not assume to believe that this changes anything.”
Edward watched her silently and she wondered if perhaps he was waiting for when he felt it was the right time to leave. Except that when he did move, it was not away from her but towards her.
His embrace was a safe as she remembered it, the warmth that surrounded her as he wrapped his arms around her frame slowing down her thoughts and fears as though they were threading through thick syrup.
Edward said nothing, simply holding her until she calmed down slightly. Then he leaned back slightly, and drew her in for a kiss.
Phoebe had entertained the thought of never being able to kiss him again — amongst other things — and the very idea had devastated her beyond belief.
It hurt her greatly and she wondered if she should regret ever learning of how he tasted and how strong he felt beneath her fingertips, immediately feeling foolish for even considering it because she would never want to give up the things she had discovered about him.
And now, with his lips moving hotly against hers, desperate and insistent, she could only give in to it, clinging to him desperately.
When he eventually pulled back, he pressed a kiss to her cheeks, then her forehead before he kissed her lips again, the pads of his thumbs gently wiping away her tears.
“I have been such a fool, my love. Truly. And I sorry, Phoebe. I am sorry for hurting you. It was never — I didn’t want this.
I know my intentions might say one things and my actions have spoken otherwise.
But I really did believe that I was protecting you.
I never wanted to make you feel like this,” he murmured, his thumbs rubbing gentle soothing circles over her cheeks.
Phoebe leaned into his touch, asking slowly with the fear that this moment might be a dream,
“Why? What were you trying to protect me from?”
Edward inhaled sharply and she worried that he might want to withdraw from her and reached out to cling to his shirt. But Edward didn’t leave, only shifted slightly with a look of discomfort on his face before he spoke up again.
“I was born with weak lungs. As a child, it meant that during my early years, I could not keep up with my peers because I’d often run out of breath during games.
But as I got older, I got stronger and it simply became an inconvenience that would manifest every now and then.
This is… until my father passed away from the same disease when I was fifteen.
Suddenly it was clear that this weakness was not simply something that would linger in me for most of my life, but would take me before I was ready.
The devastation was difficult to deal with, especially as I watched my mother lose herself to grief, unable to cope with the loss of my father.
And when she eventually died, my fears only grew.
I am… terrified of dying. Although I claim to have made peace with it, the concept of simply slipping away one day is still daunting.
“However, that fear is dwarfed by how scared I am of leaving you behind to cope with my passing. I saw what it did to my mother and the thought of leaving you by yourself to pick up the pieces after I’m gone…
I only wanted to protect you, Phoebe. You have lost so much already and I wanted to spare you from the heartbreak.
But I only hurt you and I am so sorry. I am sorry, Phoebe. ”
Phoebe felt her heart break for her husband. Edward had always looked utterly unshakable and strong, brimming with unending confidence. Unbeknownst to her, he had been carrying around a terrible secret.
Suddenly, she recalled what she had been told upon her arrival at the estate about the Duke taking his tonic every night before bed and realized it was likely his medicine that he took every night.
She tugged him closer, gently resting her head in the crook of his neck and sighed deeply.
“It must have been so hard for you, shouldering all of that all by yourself. I am sorry that you had to deal with all of that pain alone, Edward. But you have a wife now. That is what marriage is meant to be? Sharing the good and bad? We should be able to revel in all of it, and if we do our best, together, there is no obstacle we cannot overcome,” she said softly.
“Aren’t you afraid?” he questioned after a few seconds of silence. “I do not want to die. I do not want to leave you, but I need to face the fact that it is a likely possibility.”
“I am terrified. Very much so. However, I love you too much to stay away. You aren’t going to die today.
And maybe not tomorrow. Rather than asking the question of when that would be, I would rather dedicate my time and strength loving you in every moment until then.
And then I will continue to love you for ages after that.
I want us to work together to create a good home our child deserves, while we can. ”
Edward inhaled shakily, his grip around her tightening slightly — not enough to be uncomfortable but rather keeping them close enough that she could feel his heart beating wildly against her chest.
“I love you,” he whispered into her hair.
Phoebe pulled away slightly so she could kiss him again, smiling at the way her skin absolutely tingled from the mere proximity between them.
She could feel her heart rumbling with satisfaction and she dared to let herself dream about what this might mean as Edward nibbled her lips lightly, his tongue sliding against hers when she opened her mouth to let him in.
Her hands slid up his shoulders and into his hair, and she used the leverage to keep him close enough to let her kiss him as much as she wanted.
“I love you,” she told him, her eyes softening as she asked. “Will you stay? Please say that you will.”
Edward pulled her into a hug again, heavy hand leaving gentle strokes down her hair and back as he nodded.
“I will darling. I’ll stay with you.”
When Maude brought a bowl of soup for the duchess, the Duke collected the bowl from her and firmly insisted on feeding his wife.
“I can do it,” Phoebe protested as Maude shuffled around with a bemused expression as she fluffed up the pillows so Phoebe could rest against them comfortably.
“I want to do it,” Edward replied sternly but his tone was fond. “Let me take care of you, darling. You need to recover your strength as soon as possible.”
Phoebe blushed and relented, feeling as though she would endure much more embarrassing occurrences as long as Edward remains by her side.
“Eat as much as possible, all right? After all, you are now eating for two,” Edward pointed out as he held out a spoon laden with soup.
Maude gasped and both of them turned to her, watching with amusement as she bowed and apologized profusely before slipping out of the room in a haste.
“She must be thrilled,” Phoebe remarked before she ate the spoonful of soup.
“I am sure she is. I know I certainly am,” Edward nodded, scooping up more soup.
“Because you are one step closer to accomplishing what might be your final filial duty?” Phoebe teased lightly.
Edward huffed, smiling fondly.
“No. I am about to start a family with the love of my life. It has been so long since I have wanted to relish in the joys of being alive and you make me want to live, Phoebe. What more could I ask for?”
Touched, Phoebe reached out to him, endeared when he offered a hand to her to hold almost instantly.
“Whatever happens, we’ll face it together. I will always be by your side, Edward. Always,” she promised seriously.
Edward’s smile grew and he raised her hand to his lips, pressing a kiss along her knuckles as he said,
“I know. And I am all the more excited for what is to come.”