Chapter 13
Camille
I’ve been driving for an hour, checking every damn place I can think of where Holden might go and growing more panicked by the second. Not a damn day has passed where I haven’t thought about them…all four of them. I've wanted to see them, to just talk to them, but I never thought that the next time I saw them would be like this.
While part of me knows that everything Cole said the day I walked out was probably a result of the stress and a long, hard day at work, the other part of me, the part Dalton destroyed, believes he meant every damn word of it.
I’ve already got tears streaming down my face when I spot a familiar form sitting on a bench near the river about two miles away from our street and I don’t hesitate to pull over. I climb out of my car and run to him, the sound of my feet hitting the ground making him turn and his soft blue eyes meet mine with tear stains that match my own and it breaks my damn heart.
“Holden!” I barely get his name out before he’s moving, running right at me and into my open arms. We hold each other so damn tight, both of us trembling with sobs.
“I’m sorry, Cam! I’m sorry! I swear I won’t fight with Cody anymore! I’ll be good, I promise! Just…please come back, Cam! Please! I’m so sorry! I didn't mean to make you leave!” Every damn word…every unnecessary apology is like a knife to my heart. None of this was his fault, but he’s been holding the blame, letting it rot and fester within him this whole time. God, we’ve failed him, so damn badly!
“Hush, bubs, none of that. This isn’t your fault. I’m the one who’s sorry. I’m so sorry I hurt you and so damn sorry I walked away. I promise you I love you and I only did what I thought was best, but I hurt you and I’m so sorry for that. This is my fault, bubs, one hundred percent my fault. You didn't do this to us, Holden. This is my fault.” I hear a car door slam closed and feet hammering into the ground, but I don’t let go. I need to hold him, to hold onto this moment before it inevitably slips away.
“Holden! Thank god! Are you alright? Are you hurt?” As much as I don’t want to, I let go and take a step back, letting Cole see for himself that Holden’s okay.
“I’m sorry, dad! Please don’t be mad at Cam anymore! It’s not her fault! I’ll be good! I won’t fight with Cody and I’ll be good now! I just want Cam back!” And now Cole is there, whispering the same words I did, telling him it’s not his fault, that he did nothing wrong. He glances at me, his arms still holding Holden tightly to him as he mouths the words ‘thank you’ while tears stream down his cheeks. I force a smile that I damn well know he won’t buy and nod my head.
“I’m sorry, bud. None of this, not a damn bit of it, is your fault. I got mad and I said a lot of mean things that I wish I didn’t say and I hurt a lot of feelings. I’m the one who screwed up, not you, not your brothers, not Cam…me. You have every damn right to hate me, Holden…every damn right. I'm sorry, buddy, so damn sorry.” Holden is shaking his head before Cole even gets the last words out while I’m standing here, one arm wrapped around my waist and one hand covering my mouth to muffle the sobs I’m desperately trying to choke back.
“I don’t want to run away, dad. I don’t hate you, I swear I don’t! I want to go home, dad, I want to go home.” I turn and head back to my car, walking away from them while leaving my heart in pieces at their feet and pulling out my phone on the way. I text grams to let her know we found him then text Matt to let him know what happened since I know Holden ran away while Sarah was meant to be watching the boys.
As soon as I reach my car, I climb in and close the door, but I can’t bring myself to start it, not when a fresh wave of tears is already falling and my heart feels like it’s stuck between shattering and mending, all the jagged pieces struggling to fall into place while slowly bleeding me dry in the process…then there’s a knock on my window before the door’s pulled open.
“Cam…can we talk? Please?” God, I’ve both dreamed of and had nightmares of this moment. Sometimes he’d declare his love and apologize, other times he’d twist the knife, digging it deeper until my heart just...stops beating.
“Cole…I…you should get him home. I should get home.” I can’t even look at him because I know…in my bones, I know…that if he says he meant those awful, painful words…there will be no putting myself back together. I won’t look at him...can't look at him...because then I might see the truth and I sure the hell don’t want to let him see me break.
“Please, Cam. You don’t have to say anything, just…just listen. I said the worst shit to you…I hurt you…I hurt our boys. I was wrong…so fucking wrong. I was stressed and I had a shit day, but none of that was your fault…or theirs. I was scared, I was angry and I was holding onto all that stress so I didn’t pile it on you, but then I fucked everything up.
"I took it all out on you and you didn’t deserve that...you didn't deserve any of it. All you've ever done is take care of us and be there when we needed you, sometimes even when we didn't realize that we needed you. I’ve wanted to apologize a thousand times, but I was a fucking coward and I thought you wouldn’t be willing to give me another chance…god knows I don’t deserve one, but I have to try…for me…for them…for us.
“I spent two years being so damn angry at the world, barely surviving from one day to the next, but then I saw you, sitting on the ground and taking care of our boy…and you changed everything, Cam…you changed me. You rewrote every line of my damn life and weaved yourself into our story so damn seamlessly. I fought it so fucking hard, but you just walked in and knocked down every damn wall I had built and I knew I didn’t stand a chance, Cam.
"I don’t want to go another day without you, baby. I love you, the boys love you and we need you…we need the light you bring into our lives.” I finally open my eyes and let my head turn toward him…finding him kneeling on the hard, gravel covered asphalt like he doesn’t even feel it biting into his knees through the denim that covers them…like this declaration was worth enduring the pain.
“I…I’m scared, Cole.” Yes, it’s a vague statement, but it’s heavy and true. I know he can read the weight of it, that he can feel the unspoken meaning. I’m afraid of losing this, afraid of losing them, afraid he’ll change his mind…afraid to trust that this isn’t another thing the universe will pull out from under me the very minute I finally feel steady on my feet again.
“I know, baby, and it’s my damn fault you’re scared, but if you can find it in that big, beautiful heart of yours to give me a second chance, I’ll show you that this is real…that we’re real. I love you, Cam. I love you so fucking much that I’ve felt like I’ve been dying everyday we’ve been apart. Please, baby, please…I’ll beg if you want…I’ll do anything you want me to, just name it. I miss you, the boys miss you and our whole damn world has been shit without you.” I take a deep, trembling breath, letting his word wash over me…letting them sink into my marrow and feeling some of the fractures in my heart mend.
“Okay…and…Cole? I love you too…all four of you…so fucking much.” He practically lunges at me, barely missing hitting his head on the roof of my car as his right hand gently grabs my neck and his left grabs my waist while his lips…those amazing lips…they’re on mine and reaffirming every damn word…every syllable. When his lips leave mine, I’m breathless, a complete wreck in the best way.
“Let me take you home. I have a lot of shit to make up for, but first, I think the boys would like to have dinner with their favorite person and then…then we’ll talk. Okay?” I nod my head, a small, involuntary smile curling my lips.
“Yeah, Let’s go home.”