Chapter 24
The memories came in waves. Jumbled echoes of lives long past flashed before my eyes, one after another, starting from my first life.
Each wave was painful, but nowhere near as excruciating as what I’d experienced in the temple.
Wherever Jyuri had taken me had made the process more bearable.
I was thankful for his—albeit reluctant—intervention.
Though, he never checked on me, not until the process had fully completed.
By which point, I was not the same Nairu he’d saved, and I cared little for the Fae who had killed me on more than one occasion.
“It was necessary,” he’d explained when I questioned why I’d recalled memories of my death at his hands.
“Between Zaelos taking full control of your body and your blood on my hands, there is no choice. It is my failure to destroy him that led to his and your continued rebirth. I must bear the burden when things go too far.”
He was right; I knew. Letting Zaelos go free would’ve been catastrophic to the realm.
Still, the phantom pain of Jyuri’s icy hot fire turning me to ash lingered as though it’d happened only yesterday.
It was always quick. Merciful. I could picture the face he’d made each time we failed.
It was so unlike the expressions of the Jyuri I knew from my present life.
Was it pity? Guilt? It was something far too human.
Jyuri had left me alone for several nights after that, sending in an attendant, a Fae under his employ named Firoan, to deliver food and drink and care for me. Tonight was the first night Jyuri had entered the room and stayed long enough for us to have a conversation.
“Can you move your body yet?”
I shook my head. “Very little. Have you found Alandris?”
“No. When summoned by the Divine Council, he is beyond even my reach. He never disappears for more than a few days. I expect to locate him soon.” He took a seat at the side of my bed and frowned.
“I am not sure why, but I expected you to be more… hysterical. You are rather pitiful like this. It’s perturbing. ”
I huffed a laugh. “I suppose I am a bit numb to it at the moment. I’m trying to come to terms with who… or what I am.”
There were eight different versions of me, and each of them had their own story, most of them cut incredibly short.
Eight different Saintesses and their Keepers.
Eight different hopes, desires, and dreams. My soul remained at the center of them all, the one commonality between them, and for the first time, it was whole.
And while I struggled to discern which facets of my personality were my true self, I knew one thing for certain—I would fulfill the promises from my seventh and eighth life.
I had not forgotten my first friendships, nor my first love, nor my utmost desire to be free.
Jyuri leaned back in his chair. “Regrettably, we don’t have time for you to wallow in your sadness. I saved your life by bringing you to the Faewilds, but you cannot stay here long. We need to get Zaelos out of you before it’s too late. The magic here can only contain him for so long.”
“I’m in the Faewilds?”
He held up a finger, a wide grin rising to his face. “Ah, yes! Welcome to the Winter Court. I had to skip the proper introductions since you were dying. You are staying in a private hot spring within my territory. You can repay me the cost of your visit later.”
“I don’t intend to make any deals with you. If I recall correctly, you made a bargain to protect me,” I hummed. “Where is Zorinna, anyway?”
His smile fell. “I would not allow her to come here. It is not safe. Typical dangers of the Faewilds aside, your magic is too volatile now that you’ve regained your memories.”
“I imagine she took that poorly.”
“Imagine all you’d like,” he sneered. “She isn’t coming here. I do not care if she begs on her hands and knees.”
Now, that would be a sight. Not one likely to ever come true. “Zorinna is a dear friend, but I can’t imagine her ever entertaining a deal with a Fae, even if it were to help a friend. She is too reasonable for that. She would find another way. What made her do such a thing? What did you do to her?”
Jyuri stood abruptly. “What did I do? What did I do! He could not handle your death! What choice did she have?” His yellow eyes shined with unbridled rage, and the already chilled room grew frigid. So quickly had he exploded. “None of you deserve her.”
“What—what did she offer you?”
He shook his head, closing his eyes. “Ask her yourself after you live through this. That is the least you can do to repay her.”
I didn’t bother him with any further questions.
Testing the limits of his temper while I was incapable of moving my body seemed unwise.
He’d already proven back at the Consortium that his bargain with Zorinna didn’t mean he couldn’t hurt me.
I was certain there were plenty of things, plenty of loopholes he could exploit, which would make me wish for a death he could no longer give me.
It was another reason I could not fail this time.
Jyuri had been the one to end me in the past before Zaelos could take over my body.
With Zorinna’s bargain, that wouldn’t be a plausible backup plan this time, and I wasn’t certain anyone else would possess the power to stop me.
In my past lives, when Zaelos had begun to blur the lines between our two souls, I’d been near unstoppable.
And if what Zaelos had said the last time I’d died was true, I might not have another chance…
my soul might not be able to handle another fracture.
I didn’t know if that meant my next death could put an end to this cycle, or if it meant Zaelos would succeed, either way I would not take that risk.
It took one more night before I could move, and another night after that before I could walk more than short distances on my own.
Jyuri made himself sparse, except to inform me that there was still no word on Alandris’s location, so I took to exploring the area he’d left me in by myself.
I was growing stir-crazy inside the room with nothing to do but dwell on the past—several pasts.
The building itself was made of dark wood with a vibrant, turquoise-tiled roof that curved at the edges and paper-thin white partitions in lieu of walls.
A veranda surrounded the building on all sides, with stone pathways leading from the front and back, one towards a small hot spring, and the other towards the front gate.
A wooden fence surrounded the entire area, which I dared not venture beyond.
As expected of the Winter Court, a thin layer of white coated everything except the warm, bubbling spring.
It was hauntingly beautiful, in a way only the Faewilds, a place ripe with old, untamed magic, could be.
I stared down into the clear spring water, startling at my reflection.
At first glance, I looked no different from before, but there was something harrowing there in my eyes.
A culmination of the desires of too many lives.
Some wanted revenge, some wanted peace, and some wanted love, and I felt like I owed all of them a resolution.
Remembering their suffering wasn’t enough—I owed each piece of me freedom from the life we’d had to live.
The only way I could do that was if I defeated Zaelos. Only one of us could possess this body—this magic.
Shadowy tendrils slithered beneath my skin as if in answer.
So it still answered me in a place where Zaelos couldn’t reach.
That was good. I needed to be capable of commanding the magic on my own, without his influence.
No, more than that. I needed it to answer to me, and only me, when we both beckoned it to the surface.
Twirling my fingers, I manifested a writhing ball of shadow in the palm of my hand.
It came to me more easily than it ever had before.
This was barely a drop of my magic. I could reach so much deeper.
That wasn’t the greatest revelation, though.
It didn’t hurt; it left no marks, and for the first time, I could take in a full breath.
This was how magic was supposed to feel.
“You didn’t waste any time.” Jyuri’s voice appeared from behind.
I turned to face him. “I never realized how wrong it felt when I tapped into my magic before. It wasn’t supposed to hurt, I knew that much, but I didn’t know it would feel so…”
“Good?”
“More than good. It’s amazing.” I swallowed.
“I remember my first life—how weak and broken I was. That was partly why they chose me to be Zaelos’s vessel.
They weren’t cruel enough, at the time, to outright abandon an orphaned girl who could provide little to nothing to the community.
Zaelos provided the perfect opportunity for them to dispose of me in a way that would not weigh too heavily on their conscience.
It was for the betterment of our people, after all.
Who would question the decision to sacrifice an innocent girl if it meant saving the rest of them?
“I was so weak I didn’t even fight them on it.
What was I going to do? I had no magic, no physical prowess, no will.
I could have run for the wood, but I would have been dead within the week.
My choice was survival, hoping for the strength to repay them someday for everything they’d done to me.
” I gritted my teeth. “This magic is mine. I am strong enough now to give them what I know they deserve, and yet…”
Jyuri’s lip curled into a faint smirk. “You are questioning if it is just?”
“The people now living in the Northern Expanse are not the same people who betrayed me in my first life. Do I have the right to punish them for the actions of their ancestors?”
“Ah, Humans are so humorous.” He took a few steps closer. “Those with power are the predators, and those without are the prey. This is a simple fact. Whether it is morally right is something only you mortal folk struggle with. Punish them if you so desire. Don’t if you do not.”
I sighed. If only it were that simple. “Their elders forced them into their way of thinking. They see their god and their Saintess as the only thing capable of saving them from damnation. The rules, rituals, and beliefs they grew up with are normal to them. It is all they know.”
“Then you pity them.”
“I was one of them.”
“You owe them nothing,” Jyuri replied. There was a hiss of anger in his words that I hadn’t expected, but I got the feeling it wasn’t on my behalf. “Those worthy of your love and mercy would not put you in a situation where you had to sacrifice yourself for their benefit.”
Frowning, I answered, “I suppose not, but I can’t make a decision today. There are more pressing matters. If I cannot master my magic and defeat Zaelos, none of this will matter.”
The change of subject seemed to quell his simmering temper. “That is why I’m here.”
My heart thundered in my chest. “You’ve found Alandris?”
“He is in Val’Naeris.”
“That isn’t far from the Consortium at all. Why aren’t we going there now?”
In answer, he pulled forth a crinkled letter from his robes, and I reached to grab it. One glance was enough. I’d know that penmanship anywhere.
Jyuri,
I’ve been called to Val’Naeris on council orders.
As I’ve been doing everything to prevent them from choosing Val’Naeris as their next target, I haven’t had a chance to write.
This decision was likely designed to test my loyalty.
I cannot let them corrupt my home, even if it costs me this ruse.
I have already allowed too much by wrapping the Mages Consortium up in this business.
Please keep Nairu safe. If things go poorly, you know where to take her.
Alandris
“What is this supposed to mean? I thought the council wanted me dead. What do they want with Val’Naeris?”
“They do want you dead. They want everything and everyone who threatens the sanctity of their Goddess of Light, Alessiantha, dead.” Jyuri’s eyes grew dark.
“Much has happened since your last life. They have their claws in nearly every major city in Lustria. The Goddess of Light has amassed an enormous following in a short number of years. They won’t stop until she is the sole figure of the people’s worship.
That is how the Cardinal intends to attain total power over Lustria. ”
I scrunched my eyes, shaking my head. “That’s impossible. Many worship the old gods.”
“Everything is possible through enough bloodshed.”
“Alandris… he will not let them harm Val’Naeris. His estrangement from his family doesn’t change the fact that those are his people. His kingdom.”
“And you will not let them take him.”
I shook my head. “No. I will not.”
Jyuri shrugged his shoulders as if bored. “I assumed as much.”
“You will help me save Alandris and Val’Naeris.
” I narrowed my eyes. It was not a question because I knew too well his weakness.
His bargain. If Val’Naeris was at stake, Zorinna was at stake too.
She would go there with or without Jyuri, and he would never allow the latter.
“There is no question in your mind, so why have you come to me to ask? Why are we not there now?”
He pulled forth a bottle of liquid I recognized—the one to shut Zaelos out.
“You will need to keep him locked away for the entire duration of our little adventure. I cannot afford to have him rise to the surface while I am slaughtering a thrall of zealots.” He paused, sighing.
“I’m here because I cannot willingly lead you to your death, and consuming so much of Amorphael’s concoction could very well kill you. You must accept it willingly.”
“Done.” I snatched it from his hands. “But I must ask… why did you wait for me at all? I would have expected you to have half the city burned to the ground by now.”
He sneered, sharp fangs on display. “The stupid worms are hiding. I needed bait.”
“Alandris will kill you for using me like this.”
“He can certainly try.” Jyuri smiled. “I take it you agree to my plan?”
I returned the smile. “Of course I do, but we aren’t going alone. You are powerful, but you are not omnipotent. I want the best shot at success.”
“Already done. Zorinna informed them of the circumstances, and they wouldn’t take no for an answer.”
I smiled. “That does sound like them.”
Jyuri rolled his eyes. “Mortals.”