Chapter 32
As much as I loved Elle and appreciated her stepping in, I needed space to breathe.
I didn’t want to talk about how I’d nearly lost my mind back in the training room and murdered Quinn in cold blood.
I didn’t want to think about how it’d been my own doing, Zaelos sleeping soundly in the corner of my mind.
There was no one to blame for my actions except for myself, and that made what happened so much harder to swallow.
Zaelos would be in utter bliss, mocking me for my failures if he uncovered this specific memory. I could hear it in his voice, clear as a bell—not so holy now, are you, Saintess?
He’d be right to say it, too. As irritable as Quinn was, he hadn’t slighted me in a way that merited his death.
I’d taken a heavy blow from him, but my emotions had boiled far beyond what was a normal reaction.
My pride wounded, embarrassment warming my cheeks, rage had exploded inside of me until the only thing I could taste was a thirst for revenge.
My friends had been right. I was too unpredictable.
Stepping out of the Mages Consortium and into the fresh evening air was an instant relief.
I slumped down against the outer wall, tilting my head to the sky to feel the last rays of sunlight against my face.
When the warm orange and pink tones inevitably faded into the deep blue of night, I’d have to face myself.
But for these few remaining moments of the in-between, I would allow myself peace.
Loud, heavy footsteps sounded to my left, but their rise and fall was far too familiar for me to bother opening my eyes. The low-pitched grunt of the man plopping down next to me confirmed who I’d already predicted as the interloper of my last quiet moments of daylight.
“What has my girl looking like someone shit in her porridge?” Kaz asked, bumping my shoulder with his.
I let out a wistful sigh, not the chuckle he was looking for. “I’m debating leaving and starting a new life, preferably somewhere far, far away, where no one will ever find me.”
“As Alandris’s best friend, you’d leave me no choice but to stop you. Lustria isn’t exactly paradise, but I’d hate to see him set half the land on fire in his pursuit of you.”
“Seems dramatic, no?” That had me smiling, just a little.
“Only as dramatic as planning to exile yourself,” he returned.
“The idiot heart in my chest doesn’t seem fond of the thought of leaving him behind, either. My mind, though, understands that sometimes you need to leave love behind to protect it.” I opened my eyes to glance at Kaz. “Unfortunately, the two can’t seem to reconcile.”
“I wasn’t kidding when I said he’d set Lustria on fire for you. I’m glad it made you smile, but it’s also the truth.”
I huffed a mirthless laugh. “Oh, I’m aware of what he’d do for me. His lack of self-preservation is actually concerning. That’s part of the problem. I’m destroying everyone around me, and I feel powerless to stop it.”
Kaz dropped a hand on my shoulder, and when I met his eyes, all humor had left them.
“We all have our reasons for helping you. We love you, if that isn’t obvious enough, but we also want to spare Lustria from a war that will destroy it.
This has become so much larger than you, Nairu.
There are others I want to protect, too.
Others who have been harmed by the Divine Council’s machinations and will continue to be harmed until they are eradicated. ”
“You’re a good person, Kaz.”
He snorted. “Say that again after I’ve finished what I needed to say.”
I nodded. “Go on, then.”
“We need you strong now, Nairu.” For a moment, Kaz was lost for words, but he eventually settled on what it was he wanted to say and continued.
“You’re going to fuck up, more and probably worse than you did today, nearly maiming Quinn.
But you can’t give up on yourself every time it happens.
You will not beat Zaelos in strength of magic alone.
It is a test of will. So, the next time you lose control, make it count.
Gain something in return. Don’t let him see you weak. ”
“That’s an interesting method of inspiring,” I replied, though in truth, it was exactly what I needed to hear—Kaz’s specialty. “Thank you, Kaz, truly. I haven’t changed my mind about you being a good person, even if you lost a bet to be the one that had to come out here and give me a pep talk.”
He flicked me in the side of the head hard enough my teeth chattered.
“OW! Fucking hells, have mercy!”
“Language, Nairu! Those pirates gave you quite the mouth.” He stood from his spot, offering me a hand up. “And I didn’t lose a bet. I volunteered. Now, come on. Everyone’s waiting.”
I’m not sure where I expected Kaz to drag me to, but it wasn’t to a seedy tavern in the town just outside the Consortium.
I nearly choked on air when I stepped inside the aptly named Crooked Pint and saw everyone huddled together at a table in the corner, wooden mugs of ale in various stages of drink in front of them.
My entire crew sat on one side—Lorian, Kaelias, and Makatza, while Zorinna, and much to my surprise, Jyuri, sat across from them.
My smile only fell when I realized Alandris was not amongst them.
Kaz answered my looming question before I had the opportunity to ask it. “He’s fine. Council business. We expect him back tomorrow. He didn’t have a lot of time to leave a note, so we didn’t want to worry you with vague details.”
I accepted the answer for what it was, moving to take a seat next to Zorinna.
Someone passed an overly strong-smelling mug in front of me, and my mind instantly returned to the Minstrel’s Menagerie in Fernfallow.
My first ever drink, if I recalled correctly.
Definitely my first amongst friends. I gripped the mug in both hands and gulped down a mouthful.
The taste was awful, but damn, was it good.
“Do we have an audience?” Jyuri asked, and I knew just what he was asking. Is Zaelos listening?
I shook my head. “No, I drowned him out for now. I don’t know how long it will last, though. The potion seems to have less and less effect, and I have little left.”
Jyuri and Zorinna exchanged a glance before he continued. “I was worried that may be the case. Let’s make this meeting brief, then.”
“What is this meeting exactly?”
Lorian answered this time. “We need to decide when we will leave for the Soulseer, and who is staying behind.”
I tilted my head. “Why would anyone be staying behind?”
The table went quiet.
“In case I fail….”
“It’s a contingency plan,” Zorinna finally said. “Should Zaelos overpower you, he will be near unstoppable. Those remaining at the Consortium will warn the necessary parties to prepare—for war.”
I chewed at my lip, turning to Jyuri. “I thought you’d be able to stop me? If it came to it. Perhaps not kill me, but subdue me, at least.”
“I will begrudgingly admit I am only able to go head to head with you because your power is split between Zaelos and yourself. If one of you are out of the picture…. Here in this realm, I am weaker. I am no match for the bit of my Queen’s power that he stole, not while I am out of my domain.
” He turned his head, as though admitting such pained him.
“I will go to the Soulseer, regardless. Should you fail, I can at least delay the inevitable.”
“Then, I will go as well,” Zorinna spoke up.
Jyuri narrowed his eyes at her. “No.”
“What do you mean, no?”
“You are this realm’s best chance at survival. You hold more political sway than anyone else here. Only you might succeed in convincing the King of your land that a genuine threat is coming.”
“I will stay with Zorinna,” Kaz said before she could further argue. “The Mages of the Consortium trust me. I can rally them.” He turned to her. “This is where we are needed, Rin.”
That seemed to finally sway her. With a long sigh, she ceded. “Fine.”
“Makatza and I can man the Phoenix Heart,” Lorian added, instantly earning a look of confusion from Kaelias. “Kaelias will stay behind and defend the Consortium.”
“I am your knight,” Kaelias signed quickly, his hands shaking so faintly I would’ve never noticed if I didn’t know how perfect his signs normally were. “You are not going anywhere without me.”
“It was not a request. It was an order.”
Kaelias raised his hands once more before letting them slam down on the table, clenched into fists so tight the skin around his knuckles turned pale.
The room had grown so tense I couldn’t help but fidget with the hem of my shirt.
What was I supposed to say to them? My friends who were sacrificing everything for this one chance.
My friends who were separating into groups, which felt a lot like ‘those who will die at the Soulseer’ and ‘those who will live on’.
Was I supposed to promise them it would never come to that? How could I know for certain?
Kaz’s words struck me all at once. We need you strong now, Nairu.
Clearing my throat, I met the eyes of each of them.
“I cannot promise you I will succeed in destroying Zaelos and separating our souls. I can only promise that I will give everything to protect those I love and to protect Lustria. Tonight’s meeting will not be our last, I assure you.
I will do everything in my power to prevent that.
Zaelos has taken everything from me. Every single life I’ve lived, every person I’ve loved, he has stolen from me.
I do not intend to make this easy for him.
I know I have asked much of you through the years, but I have to ask for one more thing.
Have faith in me. Until the final moment, do not give up. ”
Kaz was the first to raise his glass, a huge grin sprawled across his face, until one by one, arms raised to meet his. “I’ll drink to that!”