Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
Ellie stirred slowly, that awareness creeping in before she’d even fully woken up.
The warmth beside her was the first thing she chose to focus on rather than the date and the heaviness that came with it.
She lay painfully still, her body suspended somewhere between sleep and reality as she placed a hand on the arm draped over her waist. That soft rise and fall of someone else’s breath against her back was something she’d been missing, and she’d almost lost it all over again just days ago…
but Alba was here, exactly where she should be, and Ellie knew this day wouldn’t be as terrible as it usually was.
Ellie slowly opened her eyes. The moment she did, the ceiling came into view, and everything else rushed in before she could force it away.
The date and the loss. The…knowing. Only this time, it didn’t hit full force.
It sat heavy, it always would, but having Alba here did change things for Ellie.
She didn’t feel so overcome with grief this morning.
It would arrive, it always did in one form or another, but in this exact moment, she didn’t feel as though her heart was being ripped out of her chest.
Ellie swallowed, her throat constricting as her vision blurred a little. She was scared to move for fear of her tears falling. It wasn’t that she didn’t want Alba to see her that way, but she wanted to rewrite Eloise’s birthdays and anniversaries. She wanted to feel a little stronger each year.
You’re already stronger.
Alba’s arm tightened around her and pulled her in closer.
Ellie smiled as she exhaled a slow breath, resting her hand over Alba’s where it now lay against her stomach.
This was the difference this year. Ellie wasn’t alone.
Still, she felt it beginning to rise. The ache was building, coming in intense waves, emotion now lodged in her throat.
Alba stirred behind her. It was nothing more than a slight shift and an inhale, but Ellie felt herself beginning to break…simply because she knew Alba was about to wake up and they would have to face this day.
Her hand brushed against Ellie’s stomach before stilling again.
“Morning.” Ellie lay there frozen when Alba shifted closer and pressed her face into the back of her shoulder, and then everything inside of her cracked.
Alba lifted her head, her hand sliding from Ellie’s waist to her arm as she leaned in. “Hey…”
A sharp, uneven breath tore out of Ellie, her body curling inwards as her hand flew to her mouth and a sob escaped.
“Ellie.”
“I-I can’t—” She gasped, her voice breaking as the tears fell fast. “I-I can’t do this today.”
Alba wrapped her arms around her and pulled Ellie into her chest. “Hey, hey…” she whispered, anchoring her as Ellie turned into her and buried her face into her shoulder. “You do what you need to do.”
It wasn’t controlled, and it certainly wasn’t quiet. It was everything Ellie had been trying to hold back, spilling out at once as her fingers clutched at Alba’s t-shirt, her body shaking against her. “I miss her,” she sobbed, those words raw and torn from somewhere deep. “I miss her so much.”
Alba held her tighter, one hand cradling the back of her head. “I know.”
Ellie shook her head. She still couldn’t make any sense of it all.
That was one of the things she’d struggled with most. An explanation and a reason why her daughter had to be the one who died.
God, she wished saying it out loud would somehow change everything.
But it didn’t, and it never would. “She should be here,” she choked.
“She should…she should be downstairs, she should be—”
Her words broke apart, lost in another wave of grief as Alba’s hand moved gently through her hair, over and over again.
“You don’t have to do anything today,” Alba said as she pressed a kiss to Ellie’s forehead. “Not a single thing.”
Ellie nodded against her, but it wasn’t convincing at all. Nothing about this felt manageable, and nothing about it felt like something she could get through. Still, Alba didn’t let go of her. She just held her, let her cry, and let her fall apart without trying to fix it.
Then slowly, the intensity shifted. It wasn’t gone, but Ellie felt as though she could breathe a little. Eventually, her grip on Alba loosened, and she drew back. “I’m sorry.”
Alba pulled back and lifted her hand, brushing a thumb beneath Ellie’s eye as she caught a tear. “Don’t you dare apologise for that.”
Ellie let out a shaky breath and closed her eyes. “I thought I could hold it together. I thought having you here meant I wouldn’t be miserable.”
Alba regarded her with a small, understanding smile. “You don’t have to hold it together, babe. Please don’t ever think that.” She brushed her thumb beneath Ellie’s eye again and smiled. “How about I make us some coffee, and we just lie in bed until you feel as though you want to move?”
“What if I don’t want to move at any point today?”
Alba lifted a shoulder. “Then a day in bed it is.”
Ellie considered that idea for a moment.
She’d love to spend the day lounging around here, but she knew it wasn’t a good idea.
She needed something to keep her busy…or even just to get up, shower, and dress.
That was more than she’d done last year.
“No, I’ll come down with you. I don’t want to lie here all day wishing things could be different. ”
“Okay.”
By the time they’d slowly moved around the bedroom, a hug and kiss offered when Alba believed Ellie needed it, it was another twenty minutes before they’d made it downstairs.
The first thing Ellie noticed was how different her home felt this morning with Alba in it.
It felt less empty…but also less suffocating.
Ellie moved towards the kettle, her hands a little unsteady as she filled it, while Alba hovered nearby. “Need me to do anything?”
“No, thank you.” Ellie cleared her throat as she reached for her phone on the counter. “I’ll just check I don’t have any messages and then we’ll decide on breakfast.”
She looked down at the screen, finding the usual names waiting, and so many messages.
Thinking of you today.
Sending love.
She’d be so proud of you.
Ellie swallowed and set her phone down again before she could get pulled into it. She could respond to people later, or maybe even tomorrow. They’d understand.
As the kettle clicked off, her phone started to ring.
She eyed the screen, and her heart dropped.
Colin. He always called her if it was a tough day, and she appreciated that her ex-husband thought of her in those moments, but Ellie wasn’t sure she could do this right now.
She was barely hanging on. Still, she wouldn’t ignore his call. It didn’t feel right.
“Hi, Colin.”
“Hey.” Colin’s voice was careful, it often was during these times, but Ellie wasn’t fragile. She was just…sad. So very sad. “You okay?”
Ellie gripped the edge of the counter and forced a smile. “Yeah.”
It may have been a lie, but Colin didn’t need to know her emotional state, not really.
“I just wanted to check in,” Colin said. “Make sure you weren’t on your own today.”
Ellie’s gaze landed on Alba. She was just standing there watching her with that beautiful smile on her face. “I’m not. I’m with my partner.”
“Your…partner?”
“Yes. I was going to call, but things have been hectic at work and then this day arrived before I’d really had the chance to sit down and think about it, but yes…I’m dating.”
“Oh, that’s brilliant. I’m really happy for you.”
Ellie knew Colin was genuine when he said that.
Neither of them had ever believed in bad blood, not when they’d been through such a tragic loss with one another.
“Thank you. I’m sure we’ll bump into you at some point around town.
” Ellie chewed her lip as she looked down at the counter.
“And in case that does happen, you should know that I’m dating a woman. ”
“So long as they make you happy, I don’t care who you’re dating.”
Ellie wished other people could have the same reaction. If her own ex-husband could be supportive, then the likes of Susan and Jeanette had no right to react the way they chose to. “Thanks, Colin. I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but you know…life gets in the way, doesn’t it?”
“It does, but that’s a good sign, El. It means you’re living.” Colin shifted on the end of the line. “Would Eloise like her?”
Ellie gazed back at Alba, who had now taken over the coffee duties, strolling around her kitchen in her cute little pyjama shorts. “Yes. Eloise would have loved her.”
“Then all I ask is that you tell her how amazing our daughter was. Tell her about the fun, the laughter, and that ridiculously infectious personality. Play the videos and open the photo albums. Just…keep her alive inside of you, El. That’s what I do.”
Ellie swallowed down the lump in her throat and closed her eyes. “I know.”
“And do something meaningful today. Don’t sit in that bloody house if you don’t have to. I went to her grave on the way to work this morning and tidied her up. She looks gorgeous again now.”
“I…was going to head there this afternoon, but I don’t know if I can face it today.”
“Well, love. She won’t hold it against you if she knows you’re out there doing your own thing. She always did make sure she wasn’t a bother.”
“I wish she had been. I wish she’d have bothered me morning, noon and night.
I wish I’d known her as a stroppy teenager, complaining about boys…
or girls, while she refused to do her homework at a set time.
” Ellie’s bottom lip trembled as she fought back tears.
“But she was too perfect and deep down, I never would have wanted her to be any other way.”