Chapter 30
I Don’t Know How
Itake a deep breath, making my way off the porch. Stepping off the last step and onto the dirt, dizziness fills my head. All I can see is swirls of gray with black spots.
Until I can see something else. Somewhere else. I know I’m not actually there, but it feels so real. So right.
I’m no longer on the porch, I’m in a place that feels almost real. Like a vivid dream. A little hazy.
I’m standing in a cozy living room with a big fireplace built of gray slate stones. A leather couch stands in front of me, covered in plush pillows and warm blankets. It’s almost dusk outside. That special time of the evening when the sky is red and a couple of stars shine through.
A breeze drifts by out the windows, rustling red, orange and yellow leaves on the trees. It’s the peak of fall, colors painting the hillside and golden grass blanketing the ranch. A small group of cattle grazes in a nearby field. The Tetons standing silent guard above it all.
Strong arms wrap around me and I’m hit with a sense of deja vu. It’s a familiar touch, one that makes me feel safe.
Loved.
Then, I hear him.
“Hey,” Miles’s rough voice brushes my ear as he hugs me closer to his firm chest. His scruff brushes against the outer shell of my ear, sending shivers up my arms. “How about we take a ride up to Ember Meadow?”
Fireworks go off in all of my nerve endings. I’m wrapped up in his warmth, already burning up from his contact like a heat map everywhere our bodies meet. But, it’s not the urgent need I usually feel when I’m close to Miles.
It’s a comfortable feeling this time. Not rushed.
I feel safe and secure, wrapped up in his arms, like I’m meant to be here.
My heart bursts with an overwhelming sense of…
something. It’s a new feeling, one I can’t quite put a finger on.
Like light escaping from the darkest parts of me, bursting out into the air like a firework.
I like it. I hear myself giggle, turning around to look at him.
Just as I turn to look into his eyes, the vision goes blurry, then gray again. I blink rapidly, willing it to come back so I can live in that life just a little bit longer. But, it doesn’t.
My chest hollows out, the feeling leaving me so quickly I can barely believe it was there in the first place. I stand in the hot sunlight, feeling emptier than I’ve ever felt in my life. Tears well up in my eyes at the loss of that overwhelming, life changing feeling.
I’m back on the porch steps. It’s the end of summer, and I’m walking away from Miles forever.
“You’re extra quiet this morning,” Hazel hums from the passenger seat of my car.
“I’m just tired.”
She laughs, “I can practically hear you thinking. I’ve literally never seen anyone think as loudly as you. It’s a talent.”
Hazel is right. I’ve been lost in thought the entire drive, replaying the daydream in my mind over and over again. Or hallucination. Whatever it was.
It seriously messed with my head. My brain is self-sabotaging. Right when I’ve finally gotten up the courage to leave and move on with my life the way it was before, I start imagining what it’d be like to have a future here.
It’s like my head knows that the logical thing to do is leave, but it’s killing my heart.
“Is this about Angry Cowboy? Did he say something to you that upset you? We can turn back around and go kick his ass. Although I’m not sure that’d work out so well, but we could at least yell at him. Rough him up a little bit,” Hazel throws a few fake punches into the air.
“No, he didn’t upset me,” I laugh. I shift around in my seat a bit, unused to talking about this kind of thing. For Hazel, sure, but never for me. “I’m just having a hard time leaving, I guess, and I don’t know why. Maybe I spent too much time here.”
“Kate. It’s okay to not want to leave. Most people feel that way when they go to new places and have awesome experiences like you had,” she says. I keep my eyes focused on the road ahead.
My voice is quieter as it comes out. “It’s more than that. I feel like…” I belong here. “I just don’t want to let it go. I don’t want to go back to Juniper Ridge. This has never happened to me before and it’s really freaking me out. I’m not even this attached to my own apartment.”
“Is it Miles?” She asks again.
“No. Yes. I don’t know. It’s not just about him. I love my new friends here, I love the mountains and the town and the little coffee shop. I love the sunsets that make the entire sky glow. I love the people. I love the cabin and spending time on the ranch.
“Then there’s him. I feel like I want to melt my body to his every time I’m around him. He drives me insane most of the time, and the rest of the time makes me feel like I’m the only person in the world. I’m just so angry. I was finally getting to know who he really is, spending time with him.
“It was scary, but it was addicting. And then, it all came crashing down. I’m just so upset it all had to end. I don’t know, I’m not very good at describing all of this. I probably sound like a crazy person,” I let out an awkward laugh, and glance over at Hazel.
“How was everything last night after I left?” She asks. I told her this morning that I stayed over at the cabin, but didn’t mention Miles did too. I think I’m still processing everything that happened.
I sigh. “We kind of… spent the night together,” I mumble.
“What!?” Hazel yells. “You were with Miles all night? Did anything happen?”
I feel my cheeks start to heat. Usually I have no problem telling Hazel about anything but this feels different. More real. “Of course something happened, it’s Miles. I cannot be trusted around him. We agreed it was the last time. Well, last few times anyway.”
“Katie!”
“What? I can’t help it. He’s just… him. You know?” I say, looking over.
She’s staring back at me, wide-eyed with a smile bigger than I’ve seen on her in a while. “Oh my god,” she spits out after a few seconds. “You’re in love with him.”
“I am not,” I roll my eyes.
“You are.”
“No, I’m not. I’m not a ‘fall in love’ type of gal, Hazel.” My hands start to sweat on the steering wheel. Is Hazel right? Am I in love with Miles? There’s no way.
“Seems like you are, for the right person,” she sing-songs, turning back to face forwards.
My hands start to shake as I think about this summer.
The way my heart beats faster when I know he’s around.
The fireworks in my stomach when he gets close, or winks at me from across the room.
How dizzy I feel when his deep baritone laugh cuts through the air.
When he touches me and it just feels unexplainably right.
“Holy shit. I think I might be in love with him.” My jaw hangs open as the realization hits me like a truck.
“Hah! I knew it was about him,” Hazel shouts. She takes one of my hands from the white-knuckle grip I have on the steering wheel, sandwiching it between her own. “Hey, it’s okay. This is great. I’m so happy for you, Katie.”
“This is not great. This is terrible,” I yell.
Hazel jumps a bit at my exasperation. “I can’t be in a relationship, I’m not equipped for that.
Look at my parents. One or both of us will get hurt for sure.
Miles has a perfect, loving family, I don’t fit in with that at all.
He was married before, he definitely knows how to be in a long-term relationship.
I’m just not that kind of person. Plus, we live in different places.
” I take a deep breath, trying not to freak out, but I’m not doing a very good job at it.
“Oh Kate,” Hazel breathes. “I hate that you think of yourself like that. Of course you’re capable of being in a relationship.”
“How do you know? What if I’m not? Aunt Millie hasn’t been with someone since I’ve known her and she’s fine!”
Hazel sighs, and I can tell she’s thinking about what she’s going to tell me. Sometimes I wish I would slow down more often and think like she does instead of blurting things out as soon as they pop into my head.
“Of course you’d be fine on your own. You’ve always been independent, you can take care of yourself. But, you don’t have to be alone all of the time. Just because Millie is alone doesn’t mean you have to be. You can still be badass and be in a relationship. People do it all the time,” she says.
I blink away the tears welling up in my eyes. “But what if I’m not good at it, Hazel? What if I end up like my parents? What if I hurt someone, or get really hurt?”
“Then you deal with it as it comes. There’s probably going to be some hurt, even if it all works out in the end. You can handle it. I know you can.”
“I just don’t want to hurt him. He’s been through enough. I don’t know how to love him,” I whisper. The words fall out of my soul and I feel a weight being lifted off of me. Deep down I knew why I was scared, but saying it outloud is freeing.
“Babe, no one knows how. You just do. You both try your hardest to work at being together and being decent humans. You’ll both probably get hurt at some point, but that’s okay, you’ll get past it. Or you won’t. But you know what?” Hazel smiles.
I nod, encouraging her to continue. I’m not sure I can get a word out without sobbing right now.
“It’s all worth it in the end. My parents have gone through some rough patches over the years, but they bring each other so much joy it cancels out the pain.
They created a beautiful life they love.
They laugh with each other on the happy days, and cry together on the sad days.
I want to have that. A best friend to go through life with, and a partner all in one.
I want you to have it too. You deserve it, and you’re capable of it,” Hazel beams.
I pull into a parking spot at the small Jackson Hole Airport right as the tears start to flow from my eyes. Hazel reaches over from the passenger seat to pull me into a big hug I didn’t know I needed.
“It’s hard, Hazel,” I sob, not sure she can even understand me.
“I know,” she whispers.
Hazel stays with me until I finally dry my tears and manage a watery smile.
“Alright. Go,” she urges, waving her hands at me like she’s pushing me away.
I laugh, “Go where? I’m not the one with a flight to catch.”
“Go get Miles, dumbass,” she yells. “I didn’t go through that whole speech for you to just drive home anyway.”
My heart pounds so hard in my chest I’ll be surprised if she can’t hear it. “Right now?”
“Yes, right now, when else?”
“Well, I was thinking I’d head home and think about it for a few days.”
Hazel laughs, gathering her purse and phone. “So you can talk yourself out of it? I don’t think so. You’re going to start this car once I’m out and head straight back to that ranch. I want a full report after. I’m holding you to this,” she says.
My stomach tumbles over itself. She’s probably right, if I don’t go talk to him now while I’ve got the courage, I might not ever go back. Especially if enough time passes. By the time I get the guts up to do this again he could have moved on.
Wow. I don’t like that thought.
“Okay, I’ll go, I’ll go,” I concede.
Hazel smiles, stepping out of the car, “My work here is done.” She grabs her suitcase from my trunk while I hop out of the car to give her a hug. I’m so glad she was here for my meltdown-freak-out. My heart feels just a little bit healed.
“Thank you,” I whisper into her dark brown waves.
She hugs me a little tighter, then lets me go. “You don’t need to thank me, that’s what best friends do. You can repay me one day when I have enough time to date.”
I giggle, “You’d have to spend time away from the ranch and Wade to date.”
“Nevermind then, I don’t want to date. I want to die a lonely spinster with only my horses to keep me company.”
“If you insist,” I deadpan. “Thanks for coming up to see the cabin, I really appreciate it.”
Hazel’s eyes crinkle at the sides as she gathers her bags. “I wouldn’t miss it.”
Then, she’s gone and I’m left standing next to my car feeling like I could scream, throw up, cry or laugh at any moment.