Chapter 1 Indiana
Indiana
PRESENT DAY
“Mama, I want to see Harley on Saturday,” Noah says as we drive to school.
I sneak a peek at him, his dark brown eyes laser focused on the cars as they pass us.
“Sure, baby. I’ll call her mom later. Maybe we can go to a movie. Ooooh, we can get popcorn and I’ll make sure to get extra M the ache remains as painful as it was the first night I found out my brother was taken from us all those years ago.
I can still hear the wails from my mother on the other end of the phone when my father called to tell me a drunk driver hit Bryce’s car while he was driving home. Noah was home with a sitter, thank goodness, but Bryce was killed on impact.
The numbness I felt in that moment will stay with me forever.
Despite the issues I’ve had with my parents, I pushed them aside in that period of my life to come together for the sake of this child that needed a family.
Noah was only eight months old at the time, however, he had to adjust to so many changes that went on within the family structure that had acclimated between us.
Looking back, he adapted so well while all of us were crumbling.
I was living in Chicago at the time of my brother’s passing.
I was just starting to adapt to life as an adult, thinking independence was going to be this fresh start in the real world, with a career I was truly falling in love with.
I was acclimating to a life without someone I was painfully aching for who left me behind.
Gaining custody of Noah wasn’t something I expected, but I welcomed it because I never wanted him to feel unloved.
Unlike the secrecy my parents chose with my own adoption, I'm constantly telling Noah about his father; openly discussing what a hero I saw Bryce as throughout my life. But, Noah’s biological mother leaving him behind shortly after he was born is something I shield him from as much as I can.
Although we started off living in Chicago, we’re now solidified with a life in Boston.
We moved here a little over two years ago, after my grandfather branched off a section of his publishing house, opening Medstone Publishing.
I’m the editor-in-chief and I’ve never felt more alive in a role as I do with this one.
I always thought once I started working with my grandfather, I would one day see myself publishing my own work.
At one point, I envisioned myself as an author, writing a New York Times Bestseller.
But after I interned one summer behind the scenes with an editor, I realized this is where my heart was destined to be.
I’ve come alive in this role, and this move only brought out more of my creativity.
Before Noah, though, I was lost. My relationship with my parents has gone up and down throughout the years for various reasons, currently on the downshift due to how they handled my gaining custody of their grandson.
At this point, I’ve prioritized Noah having a relationship with them, putting my own needs aside.
Since Bryce passed away, our only connection has been focused on Noah and him alone. They continue living in Las Vegas, but they primarily come out to Boston to visit. When possible, I try to fly out to see them, but it’s becoming harder to accommodate that trip.
As the years have passed, I only seem to be more disappointed in the people I’m supposed to care about.
The move to Boston was bittersweet. My grandfather confessed he was sick, and when his health took a turn, he put the wheels in motion to get the expansion for Medstone Publishing open here in Boston.
Losing someone as supportive and inspirational as my grandfather was hard on me, but I feel his strength carry on in me with each step forward that I take.
Once I moved to Boston, I realized how much I was struggling to find peace in Chicago.
Although my brother never lived in Chicago, it was hard to shake off the heaviness of his loss and becoming a single parent. Every inch of the city was painted with memories of a struggle instead of remembering those times as ones I cherished.
Sure, we had growing pains trying to figure things out on our own, but Noah and I did it together.
Something about the experience of coming to a new city was freeing.
Much like when I moved to California more than a decade ago for a year of college, it gave us the opportunity to start a clean slate.
My heart needed it more than I realized and I think Noah did too.
“You think Roger might be the one?” Kalli deadpans.
“Yeah,” I tell my best friend, although I don’t think I’m as convincing as I hope from the look on her face. Kalli is too observant and knows I’m not in love with Roger. She can tell I haven’t been in love with any of the guys I’ve dated since I met her.
“We’re talking about your Roger, right? The same guy I met on our double-date?” Kalli eyes me as she takes a sip from her coffee mug.
She’s sitting in my office as we have our ritual morning meet up. We have to schedule this in every day because our schedules are absolutely packed. Kalli is our chief legal officer at Medstone and the minute we met back in Chicago, we clicked. We’ve been inseparable ever since.
She transferred here from our Chicago office eighteen months ago, and having my best friend with me to tackle this city has been one of the reasons I’ve loved this transition as much as I have.
She’s sharp as a tack and I love how great she is at her job.
The issue is, when it comes to knowing when I’m pretending, she can read me like a book.
“Why is that so hard to believe? Roger could be it for me,” I say, avoiding her pointed stare.
She nearly spits out her coffee. “Because it’s Roger, Indy.” She rolls her eyes. “The guy is as exciting as a fucking encyclopedia. Plus, you haven’t committed to anyone since Noah came into the picture and now you’re into this guy? Explain yourself.”
“First, that’s rude. Second, maybe he’s different. Maybe he’s made me reevaluate things.” I give her a pointed glare.
“Come on, Indy. You’re the least romantic person I know. Also, I’ve met the guy. There’s no way that guy can even find your clit, let alone your G-spot, babe. He can’t be your forever guy,” she chastises.
“Tell me what you really think,” I tell her as I take a bite of my breakfast burrito.
“Listen, he’s cute. I’ll give him that much.
I thought he’d be fun. But at dinner, he spent ten minutes talking our ears off about an Excel spreadsheet.
I mean, it’s fucking Excel, Indy. Does he scream ‘MICROSOFT!’ when he climaxes?
How did you come to this conclusion?” She lifts a perfectly manicured eyebrow at me.
I try not to make a face at her comment because she’s not wrong.
Roger did spend most of the time talking our ears off about Excel.
He’s a data analyst at a large firm in Boston and he’s got a hard-on for the damn software on his computer.
I thought Julian would at least find it interesting, but even I caught his eyes glazing over.
“I just think he’s stable for Noah and I,” I confess.
“I see. And you think that’s how you should gauge this?” She sits back in her chair and crosses her legs.
“Well, don’t you think that’s the responsible thing to do?” I laugh nervously. The way she’s looking at me is unsettling.
“Don’t you think you should find someone that rocks your world and brings stability? I think that would at least be more fun. That’s what Julian does for me.” The way she’s looking at me, I know she’s going into overshare mode.
An image of Tyler pops into my head, but I’m quick to erase it from my mind. Damn Tyler Hunter and the way he ruined me for other men.
The minute she opens her mouth again, I groan, knowing this story will be awkward.
“The other night, I put the baby to bed and Julian couldn’t wait until we got into our bed…
” The gleam in her eyes is downright sinful and she’s having way too much fun making me uncomfortable with this story.
“… so when I was in the kitchen washing some dishes, he lifted me on the counter, spread my legs, ripped my panties off, got down on his knees, and feasted on me like I was his last meal.”
I swear I nearly choke. “Jesus, Kalli.”
“I know, right? I nearly saw the light, girl.” She smiles at me, fanning herself with her free hand.
“Why do you tell me shit like this? Maybe, now that I think about it, can we scale back on the storytelling?” I admit.
“Oh stop. You watched me give birth to Vivienne. It’s too late now.” She waves her hand in the air.
“What was the point of your story, exactly?” I ask my bestie.
“That there’s no way ‘Routine Roger’”—she emphasizes with air quotes—“is going to be your forever guy. You need someone that will rock your world, Indy.” She shakes her head as she takes another sip of coffee.
She holds her gaze on me and I narrow mine because she just wanted to share her story. She’s so damn dirty, which I know quite a bit of because she’s always telling how we should publish more authors that have steamier books with dirtier scenes in them.
Roger and I met about seven months ago in a coffee shop down the street from my place.
He lives in the building not far from my townhome.
When we first met, he seemed really charismatic, but I don’t know if he simply had an extra boost of caffeine that day or what.
He’s nothing but kind, although, he is a bit dry.
“Why are you even with this guy?” She looks at me like I have three heads.
“We have a lot in common!” I throw my hands in the air.
“Oh, really?” she throws back.
“Yes.”
“Great. Lay it out for me then.” She’s not going to budge until I give her something.
“We both love Boston,” I immediately explain.
She stares back, looking bored. After a few beats, she scoffs.
“Are you fucking serious? That’s it? Your list is one thing.
You both love Boston? You know what? Julian and I both brush our teeth.
Then we knew we had to get married because we had the same brand of toothpaste.
When we fight, we always come back to that basic principle and all is right in the world. ”
I swear, I really hate that she’s a lawyer. “Fine, we love the Boston Gaels, which is unique because I’m not from here, and we also love lobster rolls,” I explain.
“You’re killing me right now.” She brings her thumb and index finger to pinch the space between her eyes.
“So, you like the same baseball team here in Boston—wow, what a concept—and you like the same food. Shocker! You’ve been dating for a little over half a year and you don’t even have him hang out with Noah.
Why is that?” She looks at me and narrows her eyes.
“It’s safer this way, Kalli,” I say.
“You always say that, yet you never expand. You’ve dated guys, yet you never really let them in. Now, all of a sudden, on this one who is as complex as a potato, you’re thinking he’s the one? I don’t get it.” She’s still eyeing me, thinking I’ll break under pressure.
Dating someone like Roger feels safe because I can compartmentalize how I feel about him. The connection feels harmless, which is easier for me. I can’t feel deeply for anyone like I’ve done in the past, but I also need stability.
“Earth to Indy,” Kalli singsongs.
“Hmm?” I say.
“You can’t pick someone because of security. You have to take a leap, butterflies and all,” Kalli says, her expression full of remorse.
I’ve never told Kalli anything about my past with Tyler.
She has no clue how much of my heart I’ve given to the boy back in Vegas.
I leave that part of my life behind me. She thinks I’m closed-off because I’ve just been through too much with my adoption and losing my brother.
Plus, she knows how terrible my parents have been, especially my mother.
It’s easier that way and I’ve never let her believe otherwise.
“I know, but I also have to make sure Noah and I have a stable future ahead. He needs that. And I want him to have a male figure in his life. He’s been through enough,” I tell her, taking a sip of my coffee.
“It’s not only about what Noah has been through, Indy.
You’ve been through it too. And I’m not just talking about losing your brother.
Everything you went through with your parents, finding out about your adoption, that’s traumatic.
Not to mention your health. That alone is a lot.
Stop shoving everything under the rug.” She grabs my hand and squeezes.
Kalli has never let me forget it’s okay for me to have feelings about the trauma I’ve suffered.
She encourages me to talk through my emotions, emphasizing how important it is that even if something happened years ago, it impacts us for years.
Unfortunately, she has no idea how much of my past is still seeping itself into my present and it has nothing to do with my adoption, my health, or my brother’s passing.
It has everything to do with a boy I gave my heart to eleven years ago.