Chapter 35 Tyler
Tyler
Dearest Indiana,
I know receiving a letter from me is the last thing you want at this point. I understand how upsetting my last correspondence must have been. I’m sorry for the anger and sadness I’ve caused in your life.
You deserve an explanation and I’m hoping my words can give you a little bit of that. It won’t replace the time in which I’ve caused so much pain in your life, but I hope it opens the door to be able to start to mend this hurt I’ve brought.
I was in a bad place when I wrote you that letter—plain and simple. Do you remember Georgie? I lost him not two weeks before writing you that letter. It caused me to do some pretty destructive things in my life. I pushed away a lot of people and things I loved—most importantly you.
I walked away from the best person I could have asked for. You were a gift in my life and I simply destroyed any future we could have built together. For that I will always be ashamed of my actions.
Georgie’s death left me in a tailspin; the destruction causing me to deal with the trauma in a terrible way.
In the end, I wrote that letter with the intention of hurting you.
It was filled with lies. I took the cowardly way out, mostly because I wanted you to hate me enough not to look back.
I wanted you to walk away from me, from us, and not feel the urge to come running back.
I felt like it was best you not have someone like me surrounding you, so you wouldn’t have the possibility of suffering the same kind of fate as me, possibly getting news of my loss in the line of duty.
After watching the devastation Georgie’s parents endured, I couldn’t think of putting you through that, so I panicked. That letter seemed like the only way.
Since then, I’ve seen a therapist and he helped me realize the errors of my ways.
I was wrong and I understand that now. Writing you feels like our safe place and I’m opting for that still.
It seems that has always been our safest form of communication.
Even back when we were intertwined the deepest. I should have been brave and told you how I felt that weekend we spent together in Chicago.
I was so in love with you that I didn’t even want to voice it out loud, for fear that it would blow away.
I have no idea what your life looks like now.
I hope you’re happy. I hope your heart has recovered from the devastation I likely put you through.
But I feel like you deserve to know where I was when I wrote that note.
I never meant to put you through any heartache, but I was suffering.
I didn’t know how to deal with such sorrow.
I’m sorry for doing what I did. My heart was breaking, and instead of running toward you, I pushed you away.
Forever yours,
Ty