12. Tucker
Tucker
The longer book club goes on, the more I see pieces of the Baylee I used to know shine through. I’d feel relieved if it weren’t for the fact that when she looks over at me, I get a mix of irritation and attraction coming off of her. I’m feeling more uneasy as time drags on.
I’m usually all for these nights because I fucking love book club and teasing Abby to the point of seeing her squirm.
She’s always super uncomfortable talking about the sex scenes in these books in front of me.
I don’t know why; it’s not like we don’t talk about everything anyway, but this is her limit, I guess.
“Okay, Baylee, as our newest member, you pick out of the jar,” Kennedy says.
Kennedy pulls out the phallic-shaped accessory and it gives Baylee pause.
“Is that a pickle-shaped jar or a dick? I can’t tell.” She’s holding back a laugh.
Kennedy smirks. “Oh, it’s a pickle. And it’s skin-colored because River thought I would be too disgusted to use it when he gave it to me, but I had to double down and use it for book club, obviously.
He’s just bitter we won’t let him in the club now that he has discovered we don’t, in fact, read self-help books. ”
“I assume there’s a story behind that?” Baylee asks.
“There is,” I answer as I get up from the couch and hand Ella off to her mother. I start clearing the plates and taking them to the kitchen.
Baylee pulls out a piece of paper and I hear a squeal from the couch and I groan. It’s going to be some sappy romance because it’s an Abby-pick. I just know it.
“Don’t be a party-pooper, Malloy,” Abby says.
“I know the books you pick, Abs. Kennedy picks the darker romances and her book boyfriends are dirty. I like those ones. Anton was hot as fuck in bed. I could get down with what he was getting up to with Robin,” I say as I toss stuff in the trash.
“Oh really, so you’ve done a few of those dirty things before?” Kennedy asks.
“A man never kisses and tells,” I say quickly.
“Oh, fuck off. I bet you’re the dirtiest of the guys in the group,” Kennedy says as she starts to grab her things.
I keep my back to them as I load things in the dishwasher. I don’t need to give them any ammunition. They hound me enough.
Soon, I hear them move on to another topic and it’s safe to turn around. I continue getting things in order around the living room and kitchen.
“Alright, my place next time,” Kennedy says.
“Great, I can’t wait,” Abby squeals.
I roll my eyes.
“Don’t give me that, Malloy. I know you’re going to love this one.
It’s an age-gap and it will be so hot, I promise.
” She has the audacity to wink at me, then she waggles her eyebrows as she looks over at Baylee.
Fuck my life. Could she be any more obvious?
She’s going to make this even harder the next time we hang out .
I hug both of them goodbye then they wrap their arms around Baylee, saying how glad they are to have finally met her. I can see they’re both in love with my new roommate.
Once the apartment is quiet, it feels like the tension returns between me and Baylee. I look over at her and right as I’m about to say something, she speaks.
“Abby’s really pretty.”
“She is,” I respond, there’s no point in lying.
She moves past me to the kitchen and opens the fridge to grab a water bottle. “And you’re telling me you have no feelings for her?”
She twists the cap and takes a sip, watching me closely.
I cross my arms in front of me, confused where this is going.
“No, Baylee. Why are you not understanding that I have no romantic feelings for her?”
“Because you took her on a date and I really don’t understand why you did that and didn’t pursue her after that, Tucker,” she insists, her tone cold.
“Because she loves Clay, that’s why,” I reply.
She rolls her eyes and caps her water bottle. She’s about to walk away, irritation rolling off her.
“Bay, what’s up with you? You’ve been giving me the cold shoulder for days and I don’t get it.
You’re the one that wanted to live here, and I have no problem with that.
Then you ask about my date with Abby, only to discover it was completely platonic.
You proceed to get pissed after finding that out and close me off.
Did I leave anything out? What gives?” I throw my arms up in the air.
“You know, this isn’t you. I know you’ve been through something incredibly difficult and I’m trying to give you space.
I also understand you and I are worlds apart in age, but you’ve never acted so immature before.
I never saw you like this before, acting like a child.
But if you think this is how you’d like to behave, go right ahead. ”
I begin to walk off, until she yells, “ I’m acting like a child?! Are you fucking serious, Tucker?! After what I’ve been through, you’re going to walk off after saying that to me?”
“You know what, Baylee? If there’s one person who’s going to treat you like a human being, it’s me, and you fucking know it,” I throw back.
“I’m not going to treat you with kiddie gloves, Baylee.
You know I’d walk through fire for you, but I also won’t let you treat me like I’ve done something wrong.
I’m here for you, but you’re acting like I’ve hurt you, when all I’ve done is be right here. ”
“Fuck you, Tucker. You weren’t there when I needed you,” she throws back at me.
“What are you talking about? That night when you called, I was there in a heartbeat!”
She leaves her water on the counter and starts moving toward me.
“No, all those months I texted, you never answered. The silence led me straight into his arms.” She begins pointing at me.
“You were a coward, and now I know that despite all the years I put you on a pedestal, all I’ve been to you is Danny’s little sister.
So yes, maybe to you I’m acting like a child, but I’m hurt.
I’m confused. I’m processing. While you were building a friendship with Abby, I was getting lost with a monster by my side.
I was losing myself in a way I never imagined. ”
I’m stunned by her words. I wasn’t expecting this type of rawness, especially after the lightness that came from seeing her laughing with my friends tonight.
“Baylee... I... shit.” I rub the back of my neck.
“You know what? Forget it. I’m alone in my feelings anyway,” she says, moving past me.
I grab her hand and she snatches it out of my grasp. “No, Tucker. Don’t you see?”
I just stand there looking at her. I can’t form words. Do I tell her how I felt all these months? I see her holding back the tears and I’m lost in my own thoughts when she opens her mouth and pours her heart out for me instead.
“Tucker Malloy, you’ve been the person I see each time I close my eyes.
All these years, I’ve grown into this person people see as strong, self-confident, with the ability to walk into the room and feel like she can take on the world.
But all I’ve ever wanted was to have you look at me as more than Daniel Rios’s little sister.
All I’ve wanted was to be your world. Because for most of my life, you’ve been mine.
Who’s the fucking idiot now?” She lets out a sad laugh and I think my heart just shattered on my floor.
“The weird thing is, though, I shouldn’t even care about this”—she motions between us—“because I’m in a fucking mess with Myles right now. But living with you has really fucked with my head. Because I think I still love you. Fuck.” She looks up at the ceiling. “I just said that out loud, didn’t I?”
She bites her lip and looks back at me. “Well, I might as well admit it all, right? I’m fucking young and stupid, anyway.
Yeah, I fucking love you. There. Fuck it.
I’ll stay here until I get this whole thing with Myles figured out if that’s okay with you.
Because I honestly don’t have the mental capacity to deal with anything else right now.
Then I’ll move out. I hope you’re okay with that. ”
She stares at me an extra beat and I can’t help the fact I just stare back. I’m frozen in place.
I open and close my mouth, the words caught in my throat. I don’t know where to start. I open my mouth again, about to say something when she cuts me off.
“I’m not sure what I expected, but seeing you stand there and not respond wasn’t it. This feels eerily similar to your silence via text, but it hurts even more.”
She looks down, takes a breath then whispers something to herself that I can’t make out and walks off. The door slams and I flinch .
I stand there for some time in the empty space, processing everything she just said, still unsure what I should do.
This whole time she hasn’t just had feelings for me, but she has fully loved me.
I’ve fucked this up and it didn’t even start.
I should’ve pulled her into my arms and kissed the hell out of her, but instead I left her with nothing. I’m such an asshole.
I turn off all the lights and make my way down the hall.
I stand outside her door, I can hear her walking around her room, and I consider knocking.
I hold my hand up but decide to let us have some distance tonight.
A lot was said, and I want to give us some time to cool off.
I need to figure out how to respond. Hopefully in the morning everything will look a little clearer.
Unfortunately, I barely sleep. I toss and turn most of the night and when I finally start to drift off, all I hear are Baylee’s confessions. The moment I wake up, silence is the only thing that greets me. Her bedroom door is open, with an empty room to show for it.
I sigh and decide to make my way to the gym. I text River, Clay, and even include Hunter in the thread. Hunter is the only one that’s available to meet up.
I meet him down at the park as it’s still a cool enough morning. I get down there and he’s filming a segment to post later to his social media page. He’s got his jump rope out and the view of Boston Harbor behind him.