20. Baylee
Baylee
I got back to the apartment seething earlier.
I tried to hang out with my mom a bit longer after I stormed away from my brother and Tucker, but I couldn’t enjoy her company knowing he was next-door.
I needed some distance, so I left and decided to walk around campus.
The weather wasn’t too bad with the sun shining this afternoon.
Once it started to set, I had to head back though.
I had a session with my therapist that I asked to do virtually, because I didn’t feel like sitting through it in her office.
But she asked to see me anyway, so I begrudgingly went to her office and I sat there, arms crossed, until she pulled the information out of me.
I know it was probably the best thing for me to be there, and I eventually caved and told her why I was so upset.
After letting out my frustrations, Dr. Nuys helps me make sense of the feelings going through my head.
“Tell me what’s plaguing you about what he did, then we’ll talk about what your brother did to you."
“I feel like Tucker made a decision for me and it led to me walking into Myles’s arms,” I say, anger laced in my tone.
“That’s understandable. So you feel if he hadn’t agreed to that date with Abby, you would’ve gone out with him and avoided everything with Myles?” she asks.
“Yes,” I say confidently.
“I see,” she says, putting her notebook down. “So those are the only two options here?”
“I believe so,” I answer.
“Have you ever considered a third option?”
I shake my head, confused by her question.
“Listen, Baylee, I can appreciate you seeing life with this scenario of two possibilities here. I see that your mind jumped to this conclusion that had your brother not intervened, your outcome would’ve been more positive.
And yes, maybe it would’ve been, but there’s a possibility it would’ve been completely different.
“I’d like for you to consider this ripple effect you’re talking about.
Because as much as I appreciate this two-scenario life you’re talking about, I think we’re not giving much weight to the fact that life is not two-dimensional and it’s not simply about one thing or another; it’s multifaceted.
So, let’s take another route. Let’s take a route we haven’t thought about and say he had stood up to your brother and not gone out with Abby, but hadn’t gone out with you either.
And you hadn’t met Myles. What if you hadn’t gotten to cross paths in this way like you are now.
Maybe your road wouldn’t begin together until ten, twenty or even thirty years from now.
You went on to marry different people even. ” She leans forward.
“What I’m trying to say is, there aren’t simply two possibilities here.
It’s not just that he could’ve stood up to your brother, then you and Malloy would’ve walked off together into the sunset, avoiding this whole thing with Myles.
I think it’s romantic to believe that would’ve happened.
But honestly, Myles may have been part of your future no matter what.
There’s no way to know that for sure. But I think what’s important is to understand Tucker wasn’t ill-intentioned here.
He did this trying to protect his friendship with someone he loves—your brother.
Unfortunately, he hurt you in the process. ”
A tear escapes down my cheek and I quickly move to wipe it. Why am I always crying now?
“I’m scared,” I confess.
“Why are you scared, Baylee?” she asks me, concern etched on her face.
“Because with Tucker, I see everything clearly. I see my future. I’ve never felt more grounded with anyone before; I feel like he will help me be me again. But what if at some point he realizes what a mistake he made choosing me?” I look down at my lap and bite my lip.
“Why would he see you as a mistake?” she asks.
“Because for months, that’s all I’ve heard from Myles and those ugly layers are sort of hard to shed,” I admit.
“But when I was with Myles, shedding the layers that made me strong was so easy when he said those vile things to me. I’m doing my best to let go of the ugliness that he plastered to me.
But man is it hard sometimes, Dr. Nuys. I feel his words crawling on me sometimes when I look in the mirror.
And they’re so ugly. And when I heard my brother talking outside today, something about it felt like I was walking back in time, for some reason. ”
“First off, you’re still who you were before Myles, Baylee.
You’re still fundamentally you. He didn’t take that away from you.
It’s just harder to feel that person inside because his words hold a harshness to them that are easier to latch on to,” she says.
“This might be a hard question to hear me ask, but do you feel like your brother and Myles are similar?” I can see the concern on her face.
“No, I wouldn’t say that,” I admit. I’ve never seen similarities between Myles and Danny.
“Alright, that’s good. But it seems the way your brother spoke about you today brought up some unwanted feelings.
That’s understandable. Then let’s talk a little bit about your brother now, that's something I think needs some attention. He isn’t someone we’ve talked much about in our sessions before; tell me more about your dynamic with him. ”
“My brother never did well with sharing.” I laugh, but it lacks humor.
“Danny was always more selfish between all of us siblings. I think because he was the only boy, he sort of got away with things. I know I’m the youngest, but him being the only boy, he got doted on.
He’s spoiled, I hate to say. The older I’ve gotten, I’ve seen it more and more.
” I roll my eyes, embarrassed to admit this about my brother, because for so long I really looked up to him.
“Danny can’t come to terms with the fact that I’m an adult.” I shrug.
“Many big brothers have a hard time with that fact,” Dr. Nuys says.
“Yes, I assume that can be hard for many. But Danny has to also realize that Tucker isn’t a bad person.
And that we can make decisions on our own.
I guess what I don’t understand is why he’d make his friend take someone else’s ex-wife on a date to keep me from them.
It’s such a huge extreme, in my opinion.
Tucker has never been inappropriate or rude to me or our family, so to push us apart in this way seems completely uncalled for. ”
“Your feelings are justified, it’s a complete invasion of trust,” she says in response.
“That’s the thing. He’s my brother, and someone I’ve leaned on in so many ways in the past. It feels intrusive and rude.” It’s hard not to be upset at this behavior from a grown man.
“How do you want to deal with him regarding this?” she asks me.
“Right now? I need space,” I admit. “As you know, the pre-trial conference is coming up. I need to stay focused on that. Plus, I would rather smooth things out with Tucker. I’m supposed to be going to Ohio with him for his brother’s wedding.
I’d like to have something fun on the horizon right now.
I feel like my plate is full at the moment.
My brother can wait and hopefully think about his actions.
” Danny needs to simmer on what he’s done. He’s old enough to know better.
“That’s justified. Just remember that he deserves a conversation too, Baylee. You can’t just leave him waiting forever.” She gives me a look and I smile.
“I won’t leave him waiting too long, but he can sweat a bit.” I smirk.
“There she is.” She smiles as she grabs her glasses and phone.
“Let’s schedule our next session now before you head out.
I want to make sure we have a few sessions before the pre-trial.
It’s important to meet up before you go back to Connecticut.
I think you’ll need it more than you expect.
I want you to be prepared to face Myles. ”
Just the thought of seeing his face again brings a sinking feeling to my stomach.
“You’re going to do great. I know it feels overwhelming, but hopefully you can have resolution in that pre-trial conference,” she says.
“I just hope it doesn’t go to trial.” I sigh.
“I know. I hope the same for you.” She reaches out and grabs my hand.
I got back to the apartment and showered. Now I’m listening to music as I go over a few of my notes on my laptop. The distraction isn’t as helpful as I hoped, but it’s better than the tub of ice cream I considered.
I’m about to close my computer and toss it to the side when I see Tucker walk into view at my doorway, nearly causing my heart to leap out of my chest.
“Fuck, Tucker! You trying to scare me to death?!” I rip the headphones from my head. “Why must you do that all the time?” For such a large man he’s a very quiet walker.
“Sorry, baby.” He keeps his distance, his hands in his pockets, apprehension apparent in his expression.
I keep staring at him, waiting to hear what he has to say.
“Can I come in?” he asks.
“Yes.” I push my computer to the side, along with my textbook and notes.
Tucker sits at the foot of my bed, keeping a distance between us. I can tell he doesn’t know how to approach this situation.
“I, uh, fuck, I’m”—he runs his hands through his beard—“I’m so fucking sorry, Bay. I honestly can’t tell you how mad I am at myself for fucking this up.” The remorse he holds in his expression is evident, but I’m not going to let him off that easily.
“What exactly are you sorry for?” I ask him.
“I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for what I wanted with you when it came to your brother right at the beginning. I should’ve told him I was developing feelings for you. I was a coward—I know that. I knew it then and I just let him take advantage of our friendship,” he explains.
“Why did you do that?” I can’t understand why Tucker just let Danny have that power over him.