26. Baylee
Baylee
“Right now, we wait, Mr. Malloy,” the doctor says as I stand in the hall holding Tucker’s hand. “The next twenty-four hours are critical. I need you to understand that.”
We just got here and Tucker can’t sit still. We’re getting our first update from the doctor as the nurses tend to his mother in the emergency room. We came outside to give Carolyn some privacy as they change her into a gown.
She looks so frail, and it’s hard to see her like that. She’ll be admitted to the intensive care unit soon; we’re just waiting on a room to become available. How did she spiral like this?
As if reading my thoughts, Tucker speaks up, “I don’t understand what happened. She seemed fine the other day.”
“Her last round of chemotherapy was too much on her. This can happen. I understand it seems like it’s out of left field, but her treatment is strong due to how aggressive this type of cancer is,” the oncologist, Dr. Arroyo, explains.
“Mr. Malloy, I want you to understand, it’s important we focus on making sure we stabilize her and keep her comfortable. ”
Carolyn wasn’t feeling well earlier and had called the neighbor.
She didn’t want to inconvenience Tucker, so she opted to stay home rather than go to the hospital.
Luckily, the neighbor stayed with her late into the night.
When Carolyn got up for some water she collapsed and the neighbor called an ambulance.
We are grateful someone was there to call for help.
“She’ll be okay, right? I mean, she’ll come out of this?” he asks and his voice cracks. I swear my heart breaks right along with it.
The doctor looks at him and I see the turmoil in his gaze.
“Mr. Malloy, right now, it’s a waiting game.
Unfortunately, her body suffered a great deal.
She’s in the right place and now we wait for her body to stabilize and get stronger.
The longer she can get that rest and recovery, the better, alright?
” He puts his hand on Tucker’s shoulder and Tuck nods at him.
With that, the doctor leaves us and enters Carolyn’s room. I hear the doctor speaking to the nurses, asking for an update on the room upstairs.
“Tucker”—I move myself in front of him so he looks at me—“tell me what I can do.”
He puts his arms around my waist, nuzzles his face into the crook of my neck and tightens his grip around me. He breathes me in and whispers, “It’s too soon. I can’t lose her, I’m not ready. It’s not her time yet, Bay.”
I run my hands through his hair. “I know, baby. She’s strong and she’s surrounded by the best to care for her,” I say, hoping I sound reassuring. I’m saying it for him just as much as I’m saying it for myself.
Carolyn has been such a force of nature in all our lives and she hasn’t had enough chance to fight this.
For so long she hasn’t even looked sick.
Only recently she started to lose her hair from the chemotherapy, and her body began to show the changes.
The cancer is starting to eat away at her in ways that remind us of the evil it really is.
Tucker pulls his face away as if a reality hits him. “Fuck, I told Eric and haven’t really checked in about his flight.”
“I did. I hope that’s okay,” I confess. “He knew you were busy getting information on her so I texted him. His flight took off about twenty minutes ago; he should be here in about ninety minutes. He’ll grab a ride from the airport and meet us here. Brittany is with him.”
“Thank you.” He blows out a breath and runs his fingers through his hair. “I’m glad he’ll be here. I can’t imagine this is easy for him being far away.”
“Yeah, I know it must eat at him being a plane ride way instead of a car ride,” I say.
“It’s not easy. Either way, one of them has to give something up with someone leaving family behind,” he says, looking down.
Right then, there’s commotion in the room and soon they’re pushing Carolyn’s bed through. One of the nurses spots us, along with the oncologist.
Dr. Arroyo motions for us to follow them as they make their way out of the emergency room.
“Your mother’s room is ready in the I.C.U. All her belongings are in the bag. Did you have anything in the room you have to grab?” he asks.
“No, we didn’t drop anything off,” I tell him. “Did your mom have anything else other than the stuff they placed in the bag?”
“No, I have her wallet on me,” Tucker says.
“Okay, great. She’s still groggy from the medication we gave her.
She’s breathing on her own, which is a good sign.
We’ll continue to monitor her once she’s settled in her new room.
Her labs came back and they were as I suspected; the chemo is what caused this reaction,” he explains.
“They’re a little strict upstairs, so I’m not too sure they’ll let you spend the night tonight, but due to the hours, they might let you stay now that we’re getting close to morning. ”
“No problem. Just let us know. My brother is headed into town as well. We can take shifts if needed,” Tucker explains.
Once we arrive at the elevators, Carolyn and her team take one and we wait for the other. The minute our doors close, Tucker looks at me.
“She is so quiet and frail, Baylee. I can’t look at her without thinking that I might not hear her voice again. What if the last time I talked to her was it?” He looks completely shaken.
“She needs you to look at her and think of her walking and talking again, Tucker. Right now, she needs you to have a positive outlook. She’s fighting for her life. It’s our job to fight right along with her, got it?”
I get where he’s coming from. I’m having the same concerns as him.
But I’m having to fight the urge to fall off that cliff of fear and thinking of the last time I spoke to her.
So I’m focusing on the fact that she would want me to think about her walking out of this place with us and forming new memories. That’s what we all need right now.
“But if you’re going to break, you grab my hand, pull me out of the room, and have that moment with me. Then when you walk back in that room, you pull yourself back together. Got it?” I tell him. “She needs us whole, because she deserves all of us standing with her. Not pieces of us.”
He nods with tears in his eyes. I know his heart is breaking. My sweet teddy bear of a man is so soft inside and all I want is to take away his pain.
I walk up to him and to bring my palm to his cheek. “I love you, Tucker. You aren’t alone in this.”
“I know. I love you,” he says just above a whisper, his voice hoarse.
“No matter what, you will get through this.”
He nods and leans into my hand. Eventually he moves his face and kisses the inside of my palm. The elevator doors open and he grabs my hand and pulls me out. I follow behind him, forcing myself to compose my emotions.
Carolyn needs our strength right now. That is the new mantra I keep repeating in my mind until I believe it myself.
It’s been over twelve hours and no change in Carolyn’s condition.
My parents have been texting all day, asking how she’s doing.
They’ve offered to bring food to the hospital, but we’ve told them we’d let them know if something changes.
There’s so many rules in the I.C.U. regarding visitors that we’ve told them to stay home until we know more.
Right now we’re in the cafeteria as they’re going through shift-change and they don’t allow family members in the room during that time.
“Okay, explain that again,” Tucker’s laughing for the first time since he got that call in the middle of the night. “You ingested something thinking it was clams and it was snails? How do you confuse the two?”
“Dude, I had no idea.” Eric’s holding back a laugh himself and Brittany is wiping tears from her eyes. “I ordered, the food came and I just started eating.”
“I left you alone at the table for two minutes and you couldn’t even handle a simple meal on your own,” she teases.
“What can I say? I’m lost without you.” He blinks in her direction, and she pushes his shoulder in a playful manner.
I really do love them together. Eric was the biggest player in high school. He was the star lacrosse player, and had a new girlfriend practically every week. I never thought he’d settle down and he took his time, but Brittany seems like a great fit for him. They compliment each other pretty well.
“The best part was seeing he consumed the entire appetizer plate of them by the time I returned.” She laughs.
“I was starving.” He throws his arms up.
“Eric, I was gone for half a second. Really, stop being dramatic.”
“We’d been busy that day.” He emphasizes with his eyes doubling in size. With the way her cheeks redden, I can fill in the blanks .
“Okay you two, we can stop there with the story time from the honeymoon, thank you. Younger brother ears here.” Tucker covers his ears.
“Yes, your innocent ears are so delicate and all.” Eric rolls his eyes.
“Exactly. He is oh so innocent and all,” I say as I scoff.
“I really am. Baylee is such a bad influence,” Tucker says, popping a tater tot into his mouth.
“I’m sure.” Eric narrows his eyes.
“So, Baylee, how’s the new school?” Brittany changes the subject before the conversation gets awkward and I’m the one with the reddened cheeks.
“It’s good. I really love the program. I’m hoping to get a job soon though,” I add. Now that Myles is no longer a threat, I feel comfortable getting a job again.
“Oh yeah? That sounds great. Somewhere specific?” Eric asks me.
“I mean, ideally a paid internship would be nice at a physical therapist’s office or something.
That would be a dream.” I smile. “But I think starting with a coffee shop or something along those lines would be a good for now, then this summer going back to interning in my line of work would be ideal.”
“How exciting,” Brittany says.
I look over at Tucker and he simply smiles at me. Brittany and Eric start chatting about something together and he leans over to whisper to me.