24. Kennedy
CHAPTER 24
Kennedy
It’s been a week since River stood in my office and pretty much confirmed what I was thinking: he can’t make this more than what it already is. Pretty much, pursuing anything further with me wasn’t in the cards in his eyes. The sting that comes with that realization isn’t an easy pill to swallow.
Too bad life doesn’t give me the reprieve to wallow in this pit of sadness that I want to throw myself in. Instead of sitting at home, wearing comfy sweats and letting the crumbs fall on my clothes while I eat my feelings, I have to sit in this box seat at the stadium and plaster a smile on my face.
Don’t get me wrong, on a normal day, I live and breathe baseball. I love the Gaels and soak the love from the fans screaming them on. And I absolutely love seeing them bask in the glory of their winning streak.
Since that fateful day that I had to see River’s stunned face as I walked out of my office, on the other side of the building, Brett Henry was turning a new leaf. And that leaf has led to fewer articles of his sexual exploits and more headlines focused on what he was hired to do—win baseball games.
The stadium is full of green-and-white-donned fans cheering for their favorite Boston team. They’re screaming, following the lyrics across the teleprompter, where they sing the fight song to root their beloved Gaels to victory yet again.
The smell of baseball games—peanuts, hot dogs, cheap beer—seems to excite everyone who’s out here tonight, using their hard-earned money to celebrate with the city they love.
As much of a slump as my personal life is in, I’m trying to put it behind me as I let my gaze sweep the stadium to take in the fans who are showing such pride in this sport.
I’m sitting next to my uncle, who looks tan after his trip to the Caribbean with my aunt. I’m glad I’ve been able to take on more responsibility, hopefully granting him some much-needed time off to enjoy quality time with Aunt Gennie.
“I love the way the team is playing, Kenny. They’re doing great.” My uncle pulls me into a half embrace. He is the spitting image of my dad. They were only a year apart, Irish twins, which is fitting due to the fact that my great-grandparents immigrated from Ireland when they first got married. Top that with his now white hair, which was once blond like mine, somehow adds to his handsome features.
He looks over at me and beams that smile my way, and I feel like I’m accomplishing something quite extraordinary.
We look on as the minutes turn to seconds, and soon, we are celebrating yet another W for our beloved baseball team. My aunt and uncle join me as we jump and cheer for the players while they make their way through the tunnel to their locker rooms.
I’m gathering my things when I look down at my phone to see a text from Ashton. I hate to admit it, but I’ve kept my distance this past week, too caught up in all the things that happened between River and me. I just needed a moment to recalibrate after that whole thing blew up in my face.
It was naive to think we could fool around and leave it at that. I’m disappointed in myself that I pretty much thought with my vagina instead of my head on this one. I learned something—a dick is never just a dick.
I pull myself from my thoughts and open the text, only to feel my heart fall when I read the message:
Ashton
Hey, Kennedy. I’m so sorry to text this, Sam said you’d be at the game tonight. We are at the hospital. Had a bit of a scare with some cramping. She thought she was going into early labor, but everything is ok. The twins are fine and Sam is now on modified bedrest. I thought I’d let you know. We have to stay the night and then we’ll be back home tomorrow.
I put my hand over my heart, trying to calm it down as I read his text a few times over. The guilt is clawing at me because I let what happened between River and me seep into my relationship with my closest friends.
I’m so sorry she had to go through that. I will swing by tomorrow with some food once you’re home. Does that work for you?
Ashton
That would be great. Thanks, Kennedy. I’ll keep you updated on how she and the babies are doing and on what time we’ll be home. See you tomorrow.
Of course. Let Sam know to text me if she wants me to bring anything particular she may be craving. Also, give those babies a pep talk from Aunt Kenny to be good for their mama. ??
Ashton
Will do. ??
I click the phone off and grab my purse. I start to make my way through the suite, saying my goodbyes to all the people who hang out in the box seats to schmooze my uncle and me.
Once I get into the hall, I take a deep breath, composing myself for the whirlwind that the media circus outside will be like. Sure enough, the moment I step off the elevator, the vultures are waiting.
“Ms. Sparen, what do you think is going on that the Gaels are now on this seven-game winning streak?” Maybe Brett not getting his dick wet every night makes a difference.
“Do you think it will last?” I obviously hope so.
Of course I keep my answers cordial as I make my way through the crowd. I give a quick thank you to everyone for watching the game and for their constant support. I drop some kind words to our fans, and I’m off, moving quickly to get to the car that’s waiting for me outside the stadium.
The moment I’m safely in the backseat, I let my head fall back and close my eyes. I’m exhausted, and all I want to do is take a hot shower and let today, no this week, wash off down the drain.
I walk into my house, and I’m already assaulted by the loneliness that stares back at me. It’s strange that in such a short time, I got used to River’s and Lola’s presence. Something about having them here made my life feel more significant, mostly due to the fact I could share my day with someone.
Now, this is what my life has been turned into: something solitary and quiet. I think for so long, I imagined this was what I wanted for myself. Coming home to a quiet, clean house with no responsibilities outside of the office. Even if I was dating someone casually, they didn’t bring such a presence with them like River did. He brought a lightness to my day when I’d felt consumed by stress and work, but the moment I saw him, it felt like so much of the day was left at the door. By getting a opening myself up and getting a glimpse of what the possibility would be like to share my life with someone would be like, I’m now seeing how lonely I really am.
I think, despite the mess that unfolded afterward, my time with River gave me clarity. I now see the closed-off life I thought I was thriving in was, in reality, me existing. I think I see now, with a clear sense of what I want, that life is more than work. It’s more than control.
Maybe that’s what I failed to see once my parents passed away. I know they wanted to see me live my life; they wanted to see my sibling born and add to their family. But even until that moment when life truly crashed into us, they would say they were happy. They didn’t hold back due to fear. They simply grabbed life, the good and the bad, and lived. And here I am, letting life pass by as if tomorrow is guaranteed.
Maybe River didn’t want a life with me, but I got to see that my life was lacking in some way. I might not find exactly what I want immediately, but I can put myself out there more. I can start to push the envelope a bit to see what’s inside.
I feel a new determination take over my movements as I walk into the restroom. I take my shower, already thinking about how I can make some changes to try and meet new people. I deserve a chance at happiness, even if it took me this long to figure it out.
I get out of the shower, wrap myself in my fluffy robe, and pull my phone out of my purse. I sit on my bed and decide to pull up the latest dating app and make a profile. Might as well try this out—even though, from what Jessa has told me, these apps are simply made for hookups. That being said, I will probably gain some fun stories from them.
Finding a photo and getting my profile set up, I see I’m all set to submit and start this.
The moment I click save, it generates my profile, and I feel the uptick in my heart rate. I laugh at my reaction to a dating app. Imagine the actual dating part—with complete strangers.
After I take some time to familiarize myself with the app and its features, I toss my phone aside and make my way back to my bathroom to dry my hair. Once I finish with that, I grab my heatless curlers and wrap my hair to prepare for my long day of meetings tomorrow. The moment I finish putting the last scrunchie in place, I can’t help but feel a pang of sadness that River isn’t here to make jokes about my ridiculous hairstyle.
I decide some trashy television might do the trick. As emotionally draining this past week has been, I’m not feeling the sleep come over me the way I imagined.
Grabbing a water from the fridge and plopping myself in front of the TV, I put on the latest of this ridiculous dating show I seem drawn to and relax on the couch with a big blanket.
I doze off, only to be awakened by a knock on my door. It takes me a minute to figure out if that’s a true knock or if I’m dreaming.
The sound carries again, this time louder, and I look down at the phone. It’s after midnight, and I jump up, fear lacing my movements as I imagine nothing good comes from a knock at this hour.
I look through the peephole only to find the one man I’ve tried to avoid all week. His silence all week was deafening, and the hurt that carried each day that passed seems to dissipate the moment I realize he’s on the other side of this door.
I shake my hands at my side like I’m gearing up to join a fight in the ring. I take a few deep breaths and then open the door, hoping I hold my ground and not cave to something physical again with this man.
The moment I open the door, I see him look up at me, and it takes everything in me not to jump into his arms.