25. River
CHAPTER 25
River
I miss Kennedy. Plain and fucking simple. What have I done about it? Bitch and whine to my brother and Lola. Can dogs roll their eyes? I think so because I swear I’ve caught her doing it about three times this week.
“Just fucking call her! You’re bumming me out, and that’s my job. Remember, I actually had my wife leave me.” My brother pushes me when he passes me as we walk out of the firehouse.
“I can’t just call her! I mean, I could, but it doesn’t feel big enough of a gesture,” I say, again I realize the whining persists, even now.
“I don’t like heartbroken River. He’s sort of a drag.” That’s from Rios, who hasn’t been on the same shift as me for some time.
Heartbroken is exactly how I’m feeling these days. At first, even though I was hesitant, I quickly learned Kennedy left morsels of herself scattered on my heart. And the moment she walked away, it felt like everything in me dried up. She took all the good with her and left me scrambling to pick up what was left, which lacked the warmth her touch and her gaze surrounded me with.
“I haven’t talked to her all week. Maybe my window of time is closed,” I say back, mentally calculating how I can talk to her and say my piece.
“It’s been a week, dude. She’ll talk to you. She has to. If not, I’ll grab a couple of the guys and go chat with her. I mean, I cannot go another shift with you wallowing all over the station. That was brutal,” Dario complains, and I can’t even argue with him or any of the others nodding in agreement. I’m an absolute mess.
“Try living in the same building as him,” my brother pipes in, and again, I can’t even push back because he’s not wrong.
“Listen, let’s go grab a few beers, talk this out, and get a game plan going. That way, we know you’re all set, and we can all sleep better tonight knowing you’re not broken inside.” Rios smacks me on the shoulder and pulls me into his side.
* * *
A few hours later, the guys are doing a good job keeping my mind occupied and my phone out of my hand. Let’s just say, that after my second beer, my confidence level in winning Kennedy back was growing. The guys kept telling me it was the beer talking, and at one point, Clay took it upon himself to hold onto my phone.
We stopped at our local bar called Jenson’s . We’ve spent many hours on our nights off at this place in the past, and it’s our go-to when we feel like hanging out together after our shift. The bartender, Tommy, is a retired firefighter who left our station after he injured his knee. He thought this was the closest he could feel to the firehouse after leaving his brothers behind.
He tends bar and lets us stay as long as we want. It feels like an extension of the station, and that’s exactly what he was hoping to do with a place like this. I look around and take in the exposed brick, along with old photos from his time in uniform, along with other paraphernalia that pertains to his time as a fireman.
“Feeling any better?” Clay whispers in my direction while the guys are in the middle of another conversation about Love is Blind . It’s funny to watch these big guys who run toward danger one minute, while the next, they argue about who ended up with who after the season ends.
“Not sure if I feel better, but I’m not feeling as anxious. I just want to see her and tell her I was an idiot.”
“You’re not wrong there. I remember when—” Right then, his eyes move toward the door, and his face goes pale. At first, I think by some cosmic fate, Kennedy walked through the door, but the moment I turn my head, the reason for my brother’s stunned expression makes more sense.
Even the guys at the table stop their chatter as they take in the person, or shall I say people, who just walked into the bar.
I take in what’s unfolding in front of me. Abby is standing there, my ex-sister-in-law, much to my bewilderment, with what looks to be a date. I’ve seen him before, yet I can’t place where.
What the hell is she doing back in town? I thought she had moved back to California. I’m about to ask my brother, but Rios pipes up with questions of his own.
“Is that Malloy with your girl, Clay?” Rios asks, and right then, I see my brother stand up, and a rigidity takes over his body that I’ve never seen in him. He’s about to move toward them, but I stop him, my hand on his shoulder, hoping to keep this from escalating.
I see the tick of his jaw as his eyes lock in on Abby. I see she’s uncomfortable as she moves through the bar. You’ve got to be dumb and blind not to know who she is and who her ex-husband is. Malloy is asking for trouble.
Tucker Malloy is a firefighter from Dover, about twenty miles away. We’ve run into him in random trainings and some of the memorials throughout the years. He’s standing there, smug and smiling as if his girl at his side is just that—his.
The moment Abby and her date make it close enough, I see her stunned expression, as if our presence in the bar is a surprise to her. She should have known this would blow up in her face.
I’ve always liked Abby, so seeing her do such a hurtful thing, especially to my brother, is below the belt. I know they’ve gone through some difficult times, but this feels like a huge betrayal. It’s hard to keep an open mind when all I see is her pushing the knife a little deeper.
Through gritted teeth, my brother jumps straight to the point. “What are you doing here with my wife, Malloy?”
The moment he refers to Abby as his wife, I can hear her gasp in surprise.
“Last I checked, she no longer wears your ring on her finger.” Malloy pushes back, and that does it.
My brother begins to move closer, but Tommy makes his way over from behind the bar, ready to intervene where needed.
“Hey, Abby, why don’t you and your date head somewhere else. Let’s not cause any trouble right now, yeah?” Abby looks over at Tommy who won’t take his eyes off Malloy, concerned a fight might break out in his bar.
She gives a slight nod, then moves her attention to Malloy, her hand rubbing his forearm, and I swear I see my brother grinding his molars from the tightness in his jaw. His eyes won’t leave their connection, and I know for a fact his heart is breaking even more than either of us thought possible.
Her voice is just above a whisper. “I told you this wasn’t a good spot. Let’s grab some ice cream at that place we just passed.” I can tell she’s pleading with Malloy to accept her offer, pain etched in her expression.
My brother’s breaths are short and labored as I see his nostrils flare and his skin redden from his anger nearly bubbling over.
“That’s a great idea. Why don’t you listen to her,” I say, hoping to diffuse the ticking time bomb that is this entire fucked up situation.
Malloy stares at my brother a few more beats, then turns away, agreeing to leave. He grabs Abby’s hand, and my brother’s eyes dart to where they’re joined once again.
Abby looks at me, then my brother, and mouths, I’m sorry. I want to believe her, but a part of me can’t help but feel the same betrayal my twin is feeling right now. She was once my family, someone I laughed with and loved like an actual sister. Seeing her cause this kind of pain to the one person who is an extension of me is gutting me, so I can’t imagine my brother doesn’t feel it tenfold.
Clay watches them stride out of the bar, and I know she’s walking out with yet another piece of his heart. Any calm we were feeling prior has vanished, and the tension in the entire place feels suffocating. My brother sits back in his seat, but his demeanor is completely different. I see his spine straighten and his face harden. His mood is somber and the opposite of the free-loving guy he once was, living the dream with the woman he once loved. I guess, from his reaction, that love remains strong.
We grab one more round of beers, letting another hour pass, when Rios picks up his phone, a whispered fuck falling off his lips. I think nothing of it until his eyes fall on me, and my skin stands at attention.
“Dude, it’s not your night either. I’m so sorry,” he says, then turns his phone to face me. My brain takes a moment to connect the dots, but then I realize it’s a picture of Kennedy staring back at me. At first, I’m confused, unsure how he got a photo of her. It’s only when I pull my gaze off her beautiful face that I see he’s on a dating app.
“What the fuck is that?” I stand, livid for the second time in a short span of time.
“It’s a dating app. I just started using it. I swear, I wasn’t seeking her. It matched us. It’s her, right?” He seems hopeful that I’ll tell him it’s just a doppelg?nger, but that’s Kennedy. I know for certain because I took that photo at the gender reveal party not long ago.
Damnit. She’s moving on. She’s moving on from what we had, and it’s only been a week. I see the pain etched across all the guys’ faces. The Nichols brothers are real fun tonight. One is sulking because his wife is actually seeing someone else, and here I am, knowing the girl I want is moving on using a dating app.
As if someone slaps me to finally wake the fuck up, I realize I might still be able to rectify this situation. I need to talk to her. I need to make sure she knows everything I’m feeling. She told me how she was feeling, how her feelings were changing, and I just let her walk away. I pretty much gave her the green light, and now I have a choice to let this be and accept seeing her with another man on her arm, or I can fight for her before it’s too late.
I stand abruptly and throw some cash on the table.
“Where the fuck are you going?” my brother asks, concern evident in his features.
“I can’t just sit around and let her move on. I can’t just watch something, someone, who makes me happy, find happiness with someone else. I was a fucking fool. I’m going to win her back,” I tell the table, and then I’m off.
The moment I step outside, I get myself a ride and make my way to Kennedy’s building.
In record time, I’m standing in front of Kennedy’s door. I was hoping my name was still on her permanent list, and luckily, she hasn’t removed it. The minute I am in the elevator making my way up, I feel the nerves kick in. My heart is pounding against my ribcage. It’s only now that I realize she can easily kick me out of here and ask me to never return. But I have decided that losing her forever is not an option. She has to hear me out. Right? I take a few moments to compose myself.
The moment I knock, I look down at my phone and realize the time. Fuck, it’s late. But I’m here, so it’s now or never.
I knock, but no one comes to the door. I fear she might be sleeping, which means I might be sleeping outside her door because there is no way I’m letting her leave her place without talking to me. I can’t just let this go anymore. I was dumb enough to let her walk away once. But I’m not stupid enough to let it happen again.
I knock again, this time hearing movement on the other side. I can hear her footsteps approach the door, and it’s almost like my body reacts to her proximity, even with a wall between us. Her steps falter before she answers, and I know she looked through the peephole to see who was visiting at such an hour.
I hear the clicking of the locks, and soon enough, the door starts to open. Kennedy stands there in her heatless curlers and that thin-ass robe. I can see every curve of her body, and it’s taking all my control to keep myself from reaching out and pulling her body to mine.
I just keep looking at her, stunned and speechless. I took her for granted all that time we were together. I took each look, each touch, each kiss for granted. Had I known the last time I touched her would be exactly that, my last, I would have memorized it better. I would have savored her feel under my fingertips. I would have kissed her a little longer. I would have given her all the words that made her smile brighter instead of causing this pain within her that is evident in her features now.
From what I see in her expression now, she looks just as beautiful, but I see the exhaustion marring her features with the bags under her red-rimmed eyes. My heart hurts knowing I did this to her. I also know I can try and take this pain away.
I must stand for too long, taking her in, when she finally speaks, “Yes, River? Did you forget we aren’t seeing each other anymore?”
The old Kennedy is back, the one who held anger and annoyance at the center of our interactions. I’m the cause of that because I made her believe I didn’t care about what we had. I made her think I didn’t value what we had started.
“I’m sorry.” My voice comes out hoarse as I start with a simple apology, hoping that’s enough to get her icy demeanor to thaw.
She crosses her arms and stands, irritation lacing her mannerisms. Well, I guess that didn’t quite work.
“Okay, well, thanks for the apology,” she says and starts to close her door. I jut my foot out and hold it open, causing her to throw me a look that would make most men cower.
“Please don’t date anyone else. I want to date you. I want to be the one you swipe right for,” I say, and her look goes from annoyance to confusion.
“What the fuck have you been drinking, Riv? You make no sense,” she throws my way and I continue.
“I saw you joined that dating app. The guys and I were grabbing drinks, and your profile matched with one of them. He showed me the notification when I was sitting at the table with him. Please, Kennedy, please give me another chance. I was an idiot. I miss you. I miss us.” I can hear the desperation in my voice, and I’m not embarrassed for pleading my case. I know this is what I want, and I can’t walk away without trying.
“So let me get this straight. You went from indifference when it came to us, letting me walk away after I told you things had changed for me, to now you’re wanting me back because I have found a way to possibly move on? You want me because you don’t want anyone else to have me? Like I’m someone to hold onto now that your ego is being compromised?” Her anger is seeping off of every word she’s throwing my way.
“No, that’s not how it is. I was already wanting to talk to you. I was going to talk to you tomorrow after I slept off the beers and my exhaustion from my shift,” I say, noting how much I’m begging more than talking.
“River, you’ve had all week. You’ve had more than enough time to figure out what you want out of this thing we had going on. You made me feel like I was nothing but a good lay. And you know what, that’s understandable because that’s what we were supposed to be to one another. But I realized something tonight. I realized that I deserve what Ash and Sam have. I deserve more than feeling a physical connection with someone.
“I’ve lived too long on my own. I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop since my parents died. I took a chance last week and told you how I felt. I told you what was going through my mind, and you disregarded it. I don’t want to be a choice for you because you feel threatened. I want to be your choice because you can’t see life the same when I’m not by your side.”
She takes a breath while she looks up toward the ceiling. “I want you to choose me because you don’t see your world the same without me by your side. I want you to reach for me at night because, without my warmth by you, you’re lost without me. I don’t want you to come crawling back, professing this need for me because I’m someone you simply feel a physical release with. I want more. I deserve more.” Her words have a resolution to them, and it’s hard not to react to them.
I let her talk, and I listen because I know she’s right. I was given a chance to speak up sooner, and I just let time pass. I was confused, and I didn’t know how to look at this properly. I wanted more with her, yet I hadn’t let my head catch up to my heart. But I’m here now, and I want to try this… together.
“I messed up. I’m sorry.” Defeat carries through in my voice, and I can’t help the hurt it holds. I feel absolutely broken for letting this slip between my fingers. She deserved more, and I failed to realize what I had when I had it in my grasp. “I should have known things were shifting.”
She shakes her head. “That’s the thing, River. I didn’t really put much weight on my feelings until you said we were simply scratching an itch. That’s when it dawned on me that things are different for me now.”
She walks toward me, her warmth right in my grasp. She brings her hand to my cheek, and it feels like everything I’ve been missing these last few days is all coming back to me. Her touch sparks life in it, and I don’t even know how I went these last seven days without it.
My eyes connect with her, and it isn’t until she utters her next confession that I feel my heart completely break for my stupidity.
“River, it was then I realized I was not scratching an itch the entire time we were together. I was giving you pieces of my heart because I am starting to fall in love with you.”