26. Kennedy
CHAPTER 26
Kennedy
I can feel the tears threatening to break free, but somehow, I hold them back. I do not need to stand here, confess what I can undoubtedly admit is love to this man, then break down as an added bonus.
I relish my hand touching his warm skin and wish I could stay here forever. Seeing him standing at my door right now, wishing we could rewind to a few weeks back when everything felt much easier and less complex. But I’m the first to admit to myself that it wasn’t easier. I was just not really putting much weight on the fact that I feel love for this man who stands at my door. It was the first emotion I felt at the sight of him.
Maybe I’m being unfair to him to go from a booty call to falling in love, but the heart wants what it wants. And I think I’ve ignored enough of my emotional needs throughout my life to not be honest in this moment. I think it’s time to own up to the fact that I’ve tried to avoid feeling things for people, keeping me from opening up in a way I deserve with the people around me and leaving me scared that it will only hurt more.
If there’s one thing I learned late in life, it’s that life hurts. Love can hurt too, much like it does for me in this moment, as I stare at the only man I’ve ever felt this type of connection to. But at the same time, I’m starting to realize that with my words, love is also freeing. Love is simultaneously beautiful and ugly. And I sort of welcome it now. I sort of long for it.
I take an extra beat to savor the feel of the stubble along his jaw, the warmth of his face in my hand. It takes a lot of effort, but I finally move away from him. I turn, knowing I’ll have to mend my broken heart, but I know I’ll be okay. We’ll both be okay.
I’m about to push my door all the way open for me to cross the threshold when I feel him tug on my hand, forcing me to turn back around and face him.
“Maybe I don’t want to be okay,” he says, and that’s when I realize that last part wasn’t said in my head. I said that out loud.
I don’t register what’s happening until I feel his lips crash into mine. All the hurt is instantly evaporated, all the heartbreak I was going to continue to soothe in the days to come feels like a distant thought. Everything in this moment brings stillness to my heart and mind. It brings me a peace I didn’t know I needed, yet I welcome all the same.
He pulls away too fast for my liking.
“Kennedy, I could walk away from you and do exactly that, be okay. I could wake up tomorrow and continue on. But I don’t want that. I got a taste of that this last week, and I was miserable. I was hurting. I was lost. Things changed, and I finally saw what I needed to do. I was too stubborn and stuck in my old ways to pay attention to it until you walked away from me.
“But with each touch, each movement we made together, we inched closer to something unknown for me, and I ignored it. And that’s on me. I was scared, but I didn’t know it. I pride myself on living in the moment, though I think I took it too far. I lived so deeply in each moment that I took you for granted as a result.”
I move my hands through his hair, unsure how we move past this speed bump without losing that connection we had.
“Please don’t give up on me. Let me catch up. Let me find the pieces of crumbs you’ve left for me along the way. Don’t leave me behind. I could move on, but I just don’t want to. You’re the missing piece, and I think I never had to think about it because, for the last ten years, you’ve been there, pushing me, berating me, caring for me in your own prickly way. I don’t want you, Kennedy. I need you. I need you like I need warmth on a cold Boston night.”
On a shaky breath, I speak. “You promise this isn’t a reaction to seeing me on that app?” A morsel of doubt lingers regarding his intentions.
“Seeing you on that app stung, I won’t sugarcoat it. I didn’t hesitate when I saw you had put yourself out there. I ran here with no plan in mind except to plead with you that you don’t need to look elsewhere. You’ve found your forever in me, Kennedy. I promise. No more stupidity from me.” He moves his hands to my cheeks, and I relish the feel on my skin.
“First of all, I can promise you this won’t be the last time you do something stupid, River.” She rolls her eyes as I laugh. “Are you sure you want to try this? It could blow up in our faces even bigger next time.”
“No, I don’t want to try. I want to see us move past trying and live. I want to take my steps with you, no end date in sight. That’s what I want.” His big hazel eyes, more green than brown tonight, hold so much in them, and it’s hard to say no to that.
I nod and smile at him, my words lodged in my throat behind the frog that’s taken up space in there. I plant little kisses along his lips and on his cheeks. He brings me close and nuzzles me, and I feel him take a deep inhale, like he needs to take my scent in to believe this is happening and not a dream he’s engulfed in.
He mumbles something into my neck, and his stubble tickles me in return.
“What are you mumbling?” I can’t help but ask.
He pulls his face away and looks at me, seriousness taking over his features. “Can we at least acknowledge I just said I wanted everything with you while you have that weird thing on your head?”
This man is ridiculous, and yet the laugh that escapes me holds so much relief that it’s hard not to let a few happy tears slip out while I nod and pull him close to me.
“Yes, you’re the real hero in all of this, Riv. You really are.” I hold him close to me, feeling his warmth against my body after thinking I wouldn’t get this again.
* * *
River and I have been making out on the couch like two teenagers. He moves his hands along my body, touching me over my clothes, making me want more. But each time I try to push him a little further, he stops and shakes his head. Finally, my frustration gets the best of me.
“River, what the fuck? Why aren’t you going past second base?”
He’s got his nose nuzzled in the crook of my neck, dropping feather-light kisses along my skin.
“You’re so impatient, Skipper.” His breath tickles me, and the goosebumps are near impossible to avoid.
“Yeah, but I’ve also been deprived for a week. I have needs, Riv.” I say with a whine. I mean, he’s just scratching the surface at this point.
He nips at my skin, making me crave that rougher side of him a little more.
“You want me to take control, is that it, baby?” he asks, and I can’t help the heat that stirs deep down in my belly.
“Do you need me to spell it out for you?” I decide to throw back.
He chuckles, fucking chuckles like this is all too much fun. “Yeah, why don’t you do that?”
“Fuck me now, River, or let me out so I can go get the job done myself.” I let some of that sass I usually held for him in our past come back to the surface. I see his eyes darken in need, and I know I’ve hit the jackpot.
He pulls my hands into his own and pushes my wrists above my head, keeping me pinned on the couch.
“Oh, so you think that purple dildo can do the trick better than me?” he says, playfulness etching his words.
“Well, if the shoe fits,” I taunt, hoping to get a rise out of him.
My plan works as he keeps my hands pinned above my head, then pulls the tie to my robe undone, pushing it open and leaving me completely exposed under him. The moment he sees me completely bare to him, he lets out a moan.
“Fuck, I’ve missed you, Skip. I’m an idiot for wasting any time sitting at home being a jackass.” He moves his head down and captures my nipple. I can’t stop my body’s reaction of arching my back and pushing my breasts further into his face.
“Well, at least you came to your senses,” I say with a moan.
He nips and sucks, letting that current rush down my body. I moan and writhe as he moves his tongue across my lips to only capture the other nipple in his mouth.
He pulls his head to look up at me. “Keep those hands up there, or I’ll tie you up. Got it?” I take his command, nodding while I keep my eyes on him as his head begins its descent.
I feel each movement of his tongue like a match trying to light a flame. My body needs a release, and he is moving at a snail’s pace. From the small smile I see across his face, I know he’s doing it on purpose.
He peels my panties off my body, and all I want is for that tongue of his to reach that juncture between my legs. It’s taking all my strength not to bring my hands down and pull his face toward me.
“A bit impatient, Kennedy. Look how wet you are for me, though, baby.” His sneaky smile grows as I whine in frustration.
“River, please.” I pant.
“Please, what, sweetness?” he throws back, and I know he’s just trying to get me more riled up.
“Touch me,” I say, hoping he’ll stop this little game.
He brings his lips to the inner portion of my thigh. “But I am touching you, baby.” He then proceeds to bite me on my sensitive skin, so close yet so far from that one place I need him to be.
I don’t even have it in me anymore to say anything else, so I growl, literally growl my frustrations, and he finally relents and gives me what I want.
The moment his tongue swipes my sensitive core, I swear my hips lift off the couch. Fuck, I’ve missed him.
“You know how perfect you are, Kennedy? The best part? This pussy is mine and only mine.” His possessive words regarding my body light me on fire even more. I am his, just as much as he is mine.
I can’t form words and just relish his touch as he strokes me with his tongue, then adds a finger so I can feel just a fraction of relief. I’m climbing further up that mountain, ready to fall off. The moment I’m about to take that leap, he pulls away, and the strangled sound that escapes me is of utter frustration and anger.
“Nooo, no, no, no, River. I’m almost there,” I beg yet again.
“There’s no way you’re coming without me inside you. I want to feel you strangle my cock while I fall off that ledge with you,” he says as he quickly makes a move to remove his pants.
We’re so desperate for one another, he doesn’t even pull his shirt off all the way before he’s sheathing himself and thrusting into me. The moment we are connected in that way, I feel myself chasing that euphoria with him.
He begins to move, and I’m meeting him, thrust per thrust, loving the sounds that this connection is bringing out of him just as much. Seeing him lost in our movements turns me on even more, and I look down to see him moving in and out of me.
Fuck, he is so hot, and this link between us feels like my heart is soaring now. Before, I believed we could separate and live our lives independently. Now that I see us, this spark we ignite when we’re together, I realize I was in complete denial. He doesn’t complete me, but he certainly makes me see pieces of myself coming to life more than they ever would on my own.
His movements only push me closer to the edge, and soon, I can’t control the fall I take into that blissful state that makes me see stars clouding my vision. I feel like my skin is on fire, and it’s a heat I never want to see extinguished when it comes to us.
River is pumping in and out of me, his movements becoming erratic and his moans getting louder. He’s holding my hips as he moves, and I swear I can already see the marks etching themselves into my skin. Tomorrow, I’ll look down and know that this man has claimed me, body and soul, and I will never be able to turn away from it.
“Fuck, Kennedy, fuck, I’m coming. Fucking take it, shit,” he keeps yelling, and he throws his head back, eyes closed as he comes. A sense of ease takes over his features as his thrusts slow until they stop.
He drops his body next to mine, bringing me closer to nuzzle his neck. I kiss him slowly under his ear and down his neck.
I feel his hand caressing my hair, his nose breathing me in.
“I didn’t know it could be this way. I didn’t know I could feel this type of completion with someone. Not until you,” he tells me, and it feels like, for the first time, my life has exactly what it lacked: River Nichols holding my heart.