Chapter 9
Lilla
Over a year has passed since the night I gave it away to a boy who left without looking back.
I don’t remember what happened; all I remember was our conversation, the way he told me I deserved more, I was too pretty to jump, and not only saving me once that night, but twice.
I remember asking him to make me forget, and the way his hard body felt pressed against mine…
the rest is a blur. All I know is I woke up shirtless and in my underwear, alone.
He left me looking like the girl who stole Ava’s boyfriend; he promised he’d be here to protect me, and he lied.
He left me with his mess, with the fire he created when he chose me over her.
He should have chosen her. Maybe then I’d be a different person.
Instead, I’m jaded; I carry a hatred for him, resentment that he got to leave while I had to stay.
I hate him for leaving me, for hurting me, and ultimately, I hate him for saving me.
After that night, you could say I spiraled, hard. Alcohol and drugs became my escape; it fogged my mind, making me feel free from the thoughts that tortured me. The ones that were on a constant loop; I am unlovable, a mistake, a waste of good air, all the things I heard as my parents fought.
For six months, drugs were my sanctuary.
They numbed me from the reality of my life, the hurt Ava placed on me, the hurt everyone made me feel; it was gone and lost in the white powder that promised me peace.
The nightmares stopped, my once loud bedroom became still, and there were no longer dancing shadows that taunted me with truths.
It was silent, and when the pills and powder hit, my eyes rolled back, and slept as I’ve never had taken over.
Haley and I had a falling out when her mom said, ‘I was no longer a good influence.’ I remember it like it was yesterday.
Haley drops me off at home, running to the front door, I hear her car door open, “Lilla, did you take my money out of my car? You’re the only one who’s been in it.” My eyes dart back and forth, fighting with myself to be honest, or to walk my usual path and lie.
“No.” I turn, needing nothing more than the promise and escape of the white powder tucked in my pocket that now replaces the money I stole.
Running through my house, I don’t even make it fully through the door before I’m pulling the baggie filled with my escape.
Pouring it on the kitchen island, I get out the platinum credit card and form the perfect line.
I laugh to myself, because this card was supposed to buy love, and these days, love looks a lot like white lines and empty bottles ending in bittersweet nothingness.
Just as I go to fulfill my need, the front door flies open, and in comes Haley, fuming.
She pushes me away from my stash, ripping the card from my hand.
“You stole my money for drugs!?” She looks at the credit card with white residue on the bottom. “Seriously?” She holds up the card.
I can’t help but laugh, “Yup, they said, use it, and I am, to make the perfect line. As for your money… I needed to pay my dealer, and I thought you wouldn’t mind helping me out.” Haley shakes her head as her face turns red, and her breath becomes hot and heavy with anger.
“This has got to stop.” Dropping my head back, I look at the ceiling.
“Yeah, not gonna happen, if you're done trying to be my mother, you can leave, just like the real one.” I sit in the chair, waiting for her to leave so I can get my fix.
She slams the card down on the island–hard–“fuck you, Lilla. All I have done is try to help you, to guide you, to be here for yo—”
I cut her off, “Stop! I. Don’t. Want. Your. Help.” I stand up, “What I want is for you to leave. I didn’t ask for your help or a stand-in mother.” To be honest, I just want her to go; she’s in my way, forcing me to stay trapped in a reality I don’t want to be a part of.
Tears fill her eyes, and as she walks out, I yell, “If anyone asks, I won’t tell them you took me to my drug dealer.” Haley turns, tears streaming down her face, and I smile, bending down, snorting my line, just as she turns and leaves, slamming the door behind her.
So, Haley’s mom was right, I wasn’t a good influence, I wasn’t even a good friend.
I wanted to float, and the only way to do that without jumping off that damn metal bridge was to use the very thing that numbed every part of my broken and abandoned heart.
So I did. For six months, I lived life alone, high or drunk; there was no in between, and Haley was gone.
She was the only light, and once she was gone, it got dark, darker than I could have imagined.
I was going off the rails, spiraling into the very place I promised I’d never fall–
I look in the mirror with smudged mascara and a new scent that isn’t mine. I panic, sex hurts, it isn't enjoyable; I was drunk and needed a distraction, anything to take me out of this unruly reality. I realize the person looking back at me was my mother.
Who am I? Addicted to anything that gives my mind freedom.
I let it tease me with desire, with promises of more, until I destroyed everything good in my life.
There was nothing the drink and the drugs could give me; they didn’t bring happiness; they guaranteed a crash.
They didn’t provide me with sanctuary; they destroyed it.
I need help, and I’m ready. I head to Haley's house, not for Haley but for her parents. I need guidance, I need someone to hold me accountable, and I have no one. Knocking on the door, my heart races. I know I don’t deserve their help, but I’m desperate.
Haley’s mom answers the door. Before she says anything, she opens her arms and hugs me. Relief is all I feel; her hug wraps me in a blanket of hope, and I cling on, grabbing for dear life. She holds me up as my knees give out, and I fall into her safety.
“I’m so sorry. I am so very sorry. I’m sorry for being a shitty friend, a bad person, and for putting Haley in bad situations. I’m sorry for all of it.” I choke on my tears, on the sobs that come out after each apology.
“If you’re ready, we are here, honey, but it isn’t going to be easy, and I will only offer my home and my family once.
Because I have to think about them too, and while I want to help you, I can’t do that at the expense of Haley,” her voice is soft, but her notions are firm.
She pauses, letting her words sink in. I understand this is how a parent should be.
“So, yes. I will help you, I will guide you, but only if you give this all you've got, and then some. There will be rules, a lot of rules, and it won’t be easy.” She looks me deep in the eyes, and I agree, I have never been more willing to save myself, my friendship, and my reputation.
I give her a head nod, “I’m ready, and I promise.”
Waiting for Haley to come home, I lie on Haley’s bed, and I think about everything I want to tell her; all the words I know I need to say are right there.
As I talk myself through each apology, the door slowly opens.
She stands there, with sadness wringing her dull eyes as they trace over me, as if I’m a ghost, in nothing but the shell of her once best friend.
The quiet broke my heart. Never have we been in the same room, the same space, and been quiet.
“Haley.” She shakes her head as my words fall.
“No, Lills. Just—let’s not do the apology thing. You’re here now, and I forgive you.” That was it. She stood there, after everything I had done, and she forgave me, without a second thought. To be honest, that made me feel even more like shit.
Reaching for her hands, I hold her, finding her eyes, as mine dart between hers, begging to find the light that once lit in them when she saw me, “Haley. I promise to earn back the right to be your best friend again. I promise to fight like hell, because my love is stronger, my want and my need for this is more than my addiction. Please don’t give up on me. ”
Her love was stronger than her anger, and my addiction was no longer stronger than my love.
From then on, Haley never left my side. After withdrawals that consisted of mood swings, appetite changes, and a lot of hard days, I made it, now clean and sober, and alive.
I wouldn’t be here without her family. I owe them my life, and I will be the best person I can be in this life, because they risked a hell of a lot to save me.
I regained control. Now I strive for a better tomorrow and never to be like my mother again.
Today is graduation day, the day we say goodbye to our classmates, to who we were in high school, and hello to who we want to become.
As we each walked off the stage, we step into a new beginning, a new world, with a blank canvas.
As the principal declared us graduates, we watched the crowd roar with happiness, clapping, crying, and cheering that we had made it.
When the truth was, some of us didn’t think we would.
Everyone runs to their families, but a year later, I still didn’t have one.
My parents never came back, and the credit card limit kept rising with each month they were gone.
No calls or texts, making sure I was alive, as long as charges were on the card, they must have thought I was fine. I wasn’t until now.
I walk over with Haley and her family, who warmly embrace me and congratulate me on graduating with honors. I did it. I didn’t make valedictorian because my slip was a slope that I slid too far down, but I made honors.
Now it’s time to grow into a better person with a bright future, because that is exactly what my parents never expected of me.
Now it’s time to find out who Lilla Lane will be.